Because I Hate You All, Here’s a Renew America Double-Shot

Because I’m still bitter about the Red Sox falling out of first place, I’ve decided to torture you all with a double shot of Renew America columns, starting with the latest piece by Michael Gaynor.

The last time we saw Michael, he was writing a long-winded rant about how Newsday was intentionally trying to undermine the Iraq war by publishing tributes to fallen soldiers. (I shit you not. That was really his argument.) Also, we learned that he’s slowly being driven insane by visions of demonic leprechauns:


“Don’t think ye’ve escaped, laddie! We’re still comin’ after ye!”

In other words, Michael’s a pretty crazy guy. Let’s see what he has to say this week:

Save the date: Jeb in 2008
Michael Gaynor

The horrible hurricanes may have a salutary effect: putting Jeb Bush in the White House, whether or not he yearns for it.

Hey Michael? If Jeb didn’t yearn to be president, then why would he bother running at all?

So we’re only one sentence in, and already Michael’s making no sense. Not surprising. Perhaps it’s time for a visit from his little green friends:

singleps.gif
“Aye, laddie, ’tis time to brew a batch o’ stout… WITH YER BLOOD!!!”

Democrats blame President Bush for hurricanes, and try mightily to shift the responsibility for dealing with them to President Bush, even when the local and state authorities are unprepared, uncooperative and incompetent Democrats, even though local and state authorities are the first responders under America’s federal system, and even though there was no insurrection and therefore no constitutional basis for President Bush to take control without cooperation.

That’s interesting. It makes you wonder why we have a Federal Emergency Management Agency in the first place, especially when you consider that their mission statement is (emphasis mine) “to lead the effort to prepare the nation for all hazards and effectively manage federal response and recovery efforts following any national incident.”

Seems pretty clear-cut to me. What do you think, boys?

leprechauns.jpg
“FEMA, schmema! We’ll eat your skin!”

OK, so maybe the evil leprechauns aren’t the best people to ask about public policy. Let’s just move on:

When people reflect on hurricanes, and compare the responses of red states like Florida, Texas and Mississippi with that of Democrat-controlled Louisiana, they wisely will turn to the governor of Florida, Jeb Bush, to succeed his brother as President.

Michael, are you honestly saying that the people of Mississippi were in good shape after Katrina??? Perhaps you didn’t see stories like this one. If you’re too lazy to click the link (and I’m willing to bet your are), here’s the headline: “In parts of Biloxi, residents live in squalor as they wait for FEMA.”

A competent governor of a major state would be great.

I agree. So why are you endorsing Jeb Bush?

During Jeb’s years as governor, Florida dealt efficiently with hurricanes, whether the President was named Clinton or Bush. Perhaps Governor Bush will have a “bullhorn moment” soon.

Yes, perhaps Jeb will soon have the opportunity to mount a national tragedy and hump it all the way to the White House! Go Jeb, go! Exploit that grief!

OK, now let’s move along to Nathan Tabor’s latest column, “Adultery is killing the American family.”

We hear a lot of talk these days about the need to protect and strengthen the traditional American family. Certainly, it is true that the institution of marriage is under attack from every side. But the real threat comes from the multitudes of couples that fail to honor their marriage vows.

You can guess where this is going. I love how the same people who think government has no business helping poor people evacuate during a hurricane also believe that we should pass laws to mandate the installation of tracking devices in everyone’s genitals.

Adultery is one of the most terrible “facts of life” in contemporary America. If you watch the daily soap operas on TV ? many of which are just soft-core pornography ? you might get the impression that there are more people cheating on their spouses than remaining faithful.

And if you think daytime television is an accurate reflection of reality, you might have serious, serious fucking problems.

How many people have affairs? That’s hard to say because not everybody will answer honestly. But sex therapist Peggy Vaughan, author of “The Monogamy Myth,” conservatively estimates that about 60 percent of married men and 40 percent of married women will have an affair at some time during their marriage. Maggie Scarf, author of “Intimate Partners,” basically agrees.

Since these books were written more than a decade ago, and since more women are leaving the home and entering the workforce, the number of wives having affairs may also have reached the 60 percent range.

Yep, the average office is just a non-stop orgy of temptation and titilation. Hey, since we’re already using television as an indicator of reality, let’s do a quick compare and contrast:

The%20Office%20S2%20-%20Ricky%20dance%20(300w).jpg
This is David Brent, the main character of hit BBC sitcom The Office. Here’s clearly a man of irresistable virility and sexual prowess. If you let your wife go out into the world and get a job, he’ll be boinking her within a couple of weeks.

desperate-housewives-12 (2).jpg
This is the cast of Desperate Housewives. You can tell from their seductive glances and sexy dresses that they’re being extra-faithful to their husbands.

OK, let’s get back to Nathan’s column:

Americans have a schizophrenic attitude toward adultery. While 90 percent admit that adultery is morally wrong, according to a Time-CNN poll, 50 percent say that President Bill Clinton’s morals are “about the same as the average married man.” While 35 percent think that adultery should be a crime, 61 percent think it shouldn’t.

Man, Americans think adultery is wrong but they don’t think it should be illegal? Wow, what a bunch of morons! No wonder I can’t even get Boston to pass a city ordinance against oxen-coveting!

Having an affair simply doesn’t carry the social stigma that it once did. According to “Playboy” magazine, 2 out of 3 women and 3 out of 4 men have sexual thoughts about their coworkers, and about the same number follow through on those libidinous impulses.

Say Nathan, what’s a good Christian like you doing reading Playboy? Just wondering.

Why do husbands and wives cheat on their spouses?

They’re horny?

Psychologists cite subjective issues like loss of love and feelings of alienation.

Blogger Brad R. cites objective issues like horniness.

Certainly the media pressure of our sex-saturated society is a significant influence. But a major factor is the easy availability of cheap and plentiful Internet pornography.

Statistics show that 25 percent of all Internet search engine requests are related to pornography. According to the National Coalition for the Protection of Children and Families, “approximately 40 million people in the United States are sexually involved with the Internet.”

I remember when I used to be sexually involved with the Internet. I eventually stoped after I got tired of trying to jam my willy into the CD-ROM drive.

Dr. Alvin Cooper and MSNBC.com conducted an online poll of 38,000 people, and 10 percent admitted that they were addicted to Internet pornography.

Aaaah, the ever-scientific Internet poll! Such stringent research methods these wingnuts use!

Some legal professionals estimate that as many as one-third of all divorces may have their roots in Internet porn or online affairs. “If there’s dissatisfaction in the existing relationship, the Internet is an easy way for people to scratch the itch,” explains J. Lindsey Short, Jr., president of the American Academy of Matrimonial Lawyers.

Say, Nate? Could it be that cruising the web for porn is a symptom of marital dissatisfaction rather than a cause?

Anyway, I’d love to stay and finish reviewing this column, but right now I gonna go download some porn. See ya tomorrow.

 

Comments: 36

 
 
 

I wonder if Alvin Cooper, author of the definative internet poll on porno addiction, is related to Floyd Alvis Cooper, noted troll.

 
 

Must you ‘constantly degrade’* me with the Leprechauns?Stole from Pinko Punko and res publica.

 
 

Democrats blame President Bush for hurricanes, and try mightily to shift the responsibility for dealing with them to President Bush

From kos:

The one inarguable fact of the Katrina responsibility debate is that GWB is the sole cause of the existence of the hurricane, and not just the response … (emphasis in the original)

Howard Dean:
Bush, with the assistance of Rove, clearly planned for, and produced, this hurricane with their insistance that global warming is a myth. It is now evident that their arguments were not ignorance, but a willful manipulation of weather patterns meant to kill poor black people.

The Rude Pundit:

As Bush shat sloppy diarrhea into the mouth of Cheney, who was being fingered in the ass by Rove, they all cackled gleefully at the ease at which they had erected the giant fan at Gitmo and summoned the demonic storm from the depths.

Atrios:

Open Thread.

 
 

Soap Operas also tell us that everyone has a twins, and there is always a good twin and a bad twin. Oh, and chimpanzees make great nurses.

 
 

If a hurricane carries Jeb to the White House, does that mean he gets George’s magic presidentin’ shoes, and George’s stripey-socked feet curl up like fiddleheads?

 
 

If Jeb didn’t yearn to be president, then why would he bother running at all?

silly man, Jeb won’t have to run. The Magic Hurricane Jefferson is going to sweep him up in Florida, fly north to DC, and deposit him IN THE WHITE HOUSE! all hail the mighty hurricane.

 
 

I remember when I used to be sexually involved with the Internet. I eventually stoped after I got tired of trying to jam my willy into the CD-ROM drive.

Aaaaaaand with a single sentence, Brad R wins the “I really wish Brad R hadn’t put that mental image in my head” award yet again! Of course, considering the name of the award, it’s not terribly surprising that he’s won, but still….

 
 

oh god tg, that was the best set up of an Atrios blog joke I have EVER heard. that is so funny*. next time do Eschaton too!

* I know my typing looks facetious, but i have a hard time sounding sincere. I’m totally serious**

**really, I am. that is the best comment I have read all week

 
 

‘According to the National Coalition for the Protection of Children and Families, “approximately 40 million people in the United States are sexually involved with the Internet.”‘

What a slut.

 
 

“…conservatively estimates that about 60 percent of married men and 40 percent of married women will have an affair at some time during their marriage”

What she doesn’t mention, and what is also never mentioned in the Magical Divorce Statistic, is that over half these instances are by repeat offenders. In other words, it’s not 60% of all married men, it’s men in 60% of all marriages.

Republican men. Republican business men away at conventions. Republican political representatives away in Washington DC. Karl Rovian men.

 
 

Just cook inedible meals, pump out enough spawn for a kennel and drink uncontrollably, and he’ll never leave you. It worked for my mommy!

 
 

Jeb must have given Gaynor a golden sword too, to defend himself from the leprechauns.
And that’s what I call pie blogging!

 
 

“the threads the thing…..”

wow, weather control AND Chang

someone is either reading my mind, or my posts.

 
 

Clearly Mr Tabor has not understood that when all is said and done the internet is for porn. So grab your dick and double click! For porn, porn, porn!

 
 

since more women are leaving the home and entering the workforce, the number of wives having affairs may also have reached the 60 percent range. …

So, women join the workforce to have access to that sweet, sweet porn, and the porn causes them to have affairs. But if they stayed home, they would spend their days watching those sleazy soap operas, which would also cause them to commit adultery, right, Nathan? So, I guess the way to cure the plague of adultery is to force women to become Amish, so they won’t be corrupted by the electronic tools of Satan, such as TV and the Internet. That way, men (who are horny all the time anyway, as Brad pointed out) would have to have affairs with each other, which would save our country.

Hey, it’s Nathan’s idea, not mine!

 
 

P.S.

Brad, I hate you too. So, I’m going to feature Renew America, Pastor Swank, AND Mop Lady Crouse. And it’s not like you don’t deserve it!

 
 

According to “Playboy” magazine, 2 out of 3 women and 3 out of 4 men have sexual thoughts about their coworkers, and about the same number follow through on those libidinous impulses.

So he’s saying that EVERYONE who thinks to themselves that Suzie in HR is a hottie actually GETTING SOME from Suzie in HR??? Isn’t that what “about the same number follow through” means???

Goddamnit, now I’m pissed. I must not be getting invited to these after-work orgies. I’ll have to look into this.

 
 

What I want to know is what those other 25% of the men do? (Clearly, the 1/3 of the women aren’t thinking, they’re just ACTING.)

 
 

I can’t blame you for your anger, since it seems that that bastard Atrios has used the signiture line for Conservative Humor yet again in his always faboo work (and no courtesy linkage in using it this time!).
I shake my head in shame…

 
 

Isn’t that what “about the same number follow through” means???

Karl – I think they must be using “follow through” in a broader sense to include thinking about Suzie while … umm .. alone. I did a survey at work (sampling everyone sitting at my desk; N=1), and indeed, using that definition, 100% of respondents “followed through.”

 
 

How can you LIEBRULS blame Bush for the hurricanes, when any rational person can see that tropical storms are caused by the homo butt sex.

 
 

hey, atrios is mocking the shit out of you guys.

http://atrios.blogspot.com/2005_09_18_atrios_archive.html#112748455332028378

and he gives no props.

🙁

 
 

AND he copped Marie’s line!!!

Could anything else have been done? Sadly, yes!

 
 

That whore… If we had the strength… but no. A kitten strike would be pointless and a frank waste of good kittens. We must take a subtler tact, I fear… and subtlety has never been a strong point of this site.

 
 

We must take a subtler tact, I fear… and subtlety has never been a strong point of this site.

I left a threat from the Acme Law Firm in the comments section…

 
 

I left a threat from the Acme Law Firm in the comments section…

Utterly fantastic- you’ve outdone yourself yet again, Brad. I daresay it’s the Steel Reseve. You’ve been killing all of the “stupid” brain cells to expose the rest of the witty ones, so now you’re almost 100% witty.
Keep drinking, we demand it!

 
 

I got tired of trying to jam my willy into the CD-ROM drive.

Ouch! No, that’s not your willy. That’s my brain reacting to the bleach I’m using to clean out that particular mental image. Next I’m going after the leprechaun sex images. (Brad R, next time don’t put leprechauns and sex in the same post. Please.)

 
 

The internet just followed the course of all technology.

Njorl’s rule: (I forgot the originator, so it’s mine now!)
All technology is developed for military purposes and made commercially viable through pornography.

Just wait for the new line of commercially available drones!

 
 

nope,

if it were butt sex Massachusetts would be soaked too.

It must be the lack of pirates in the carribean. (and the noodly appendages)

(Btw, did y’all hear who plays JDepps dad in the sequel? it’s perfect, assuming he has no lines)

 
 

Let’s play a quick game of “connections”.

First we have the environment. Making our energy and the rest of our economy more environmentally friendly would destroy the economy. (Apparently this is true because energy companies, car companies, et al. would have to spend billions of dollars to hire new people, design new machines and engines, and new tooling, and new training. And as we all know, buying stuff, hiring new employees, and paying engineers is a 100% drain on the economy)

Second, we have the entire porn industry. It is arguably the largest single industry in our economy. Simply eliminating it will be a boon for our economy since all those Americans working in Adult stores, porn stars, magazine editors, webmasters, models, movie production houses, and film/print/DVD manufacturers will become immediately unemployed. All their products, the dildos, vibrators, blowup dolls, magazines, movies, DVDs, and servers for the pron sites will all be burned, and thus lost to the economy. All this will vastly improve our country’s economy, all those unemployed will be a boon to retailers nationwide. (To say nothing — see the first point above — that all the toxic fumes given off from burning all porn materials will add to the pollution of this country, thus improving the economy because more pollution is beneficial whereas less pollution is disasterous to the economy.

Yes, the geniuses, on the right are bloody brilliant when it comes to our economy. If it wasn’t for porn, Bush’s “economic boom” over the last four years would be a total bust. They should be thanking Mary Carey, not trying to put her out of business…….

[/end of rant]

 
 

I want to hurt someone, now that I’ve gotten around to reading this. And I’ve only read the first part, for Chrissakes.
Look, Florida handled the aftermath of hurricanes well under Clinton because Clinton installed a guy named James Lee Witt as head of FEMA. James Lee Witt was a goddamned fucking *genius* at handling crises like hurricanes. He went through and turfed out the incompetents and the patronage appointees and he set the whole agency up as a model bureacracy, and yes, there are such things.
FEMA was always a joke. I’m no big Clinton fan, mostly because of shit like DOMA and welfare reform, but the complete overhaul of FEMA is one of his triumphs.

Bush came along, and now it’s back to what it was, a dumping ground for incompetents, unqualified buddies, and all around cronyism.
Florida does pretty good under that system, too, because Jeb is another crony, and Florida is an important electoral state.
It’s got fuck-all to do with efficiency.

I don’t think I can stand to read the porn stuff right now, just based on the comments. Man, Brad, you really *do* hate us.

 
 

This dip wants to *outlaw* adultery??
How the hell do you define that? Is it still illegal if neither of you are married to anyone? Is it still illegal if your spouse or spouses approve? Should you still be in jail for it after your spouse forgives you? How the fuck does one go about prosecuting that, anyway?
The operative definition seems to be “having sex with someone you are not married to, under any circumstances”.
Which is bizarre, at best, and makes a hell of a lot of crime out of a hell of a lot of private behavior with no victims. (It might also make rape victims into adulterers. Taliban, here we come!)
It’s also ignoring shit like porn and the whole e-affair concept, which this dork apparently would also like to outlaw.

Idiots like this scare me. I definitely shouldn’t have read that.

 
 

Warning: Incredibly tasteless post ahead!

How can you LIEBRULS blame Bush for the hurricanes, when any rational person can see that tropical storms are caused by the homo butt sex.

Whoops! To all of you who are.were in the path of Rita, my most sincere apologies for going out last Tuesday. I really wasn’t thinking about these sort of inadvertent consequences, so again, sorry!

 
 

That way, men (who are horny all the time anyway, as Brad pointed out) would have to have affairs with each other, which would save our country.

Hey, s.z.–good idea! In fact, as comments in your “Because I Hate Brad R” thread prove, that’s already happening!

 
 

Hey Yosef… Are You Ready for Senator Nathan Tabor???

Nathan Tabor is one of my all-time favorite wingnuts. In the past, he has advocated for outlawing divorce; he has blamed abortion for illegal immigration; he has attacked Abe Lincoln and Lyndon Johnson while standing up for segregation; and he…

 
 

GOODDAY PASTOR,

I GREAT YOU IN THE NAME OF GOD I KNOW THIS MAIL MIGHT COME TO YOU AS A SUPRISE BUT TAKE IT SIRIURSE AND TREAT WITH LOVE AS CHRIST LOVE THE CHURCH.

I AM PASTOR CHRIS OYAKHILOMEN OF BELIVERS LOVE WORD ALSO KNOWN AS CHRIST EMBASSY, I’M REQUESTING FOR YOUR ASSISTANCE IN AN ONGONG PROJECT IN CHRIST EMBASSY NIGERIA, WE ARE CURRENTLY BUILDING AN ORPHANAGE HOME FOR THE LESS PREVILEG IN AFRICA WHICH HEAD QUETERS WILL BE IN NIGERIA.

I WANT TO RAIS FUNDS FROM ALL PASTORS AND CLEGY THAT GOD MIGHT INSTRUCT TO HELP EATHER IN CASH OR KIND . I’M A PASTOR AND SAVANT OF GOD BUT I CAN’T DO IT ALL ALLON , BECAUSE A TREE CAN NOT MAKE A FOREST, AND AS THE HOLY BIBLE SAYS IN 1ST CORITHIANS CHAPTER 13:I-6 THOUGH I SPESK WITH THE TINGUES OF MEN AND OF ANGELS AND HAVE NOT CHARITY, I AM BECOME AS SOUNDING BRASS OR A TINKING CYMBAL,v-2 AND THOUGH I HAVE THE GIFT OF PROPHECY AND UNDERSTAND ALL MYSTIES AND ALL KNOWLEDGE; AND THOUGH I HAVE ALL FAITH SO THAT I COULD REMOVE MOUNTAIN AND HAVE NOT CHARITY, I’M NOTHING.v-3 AND THOUGH I BESTOW ALL MY GOODS TO FEED THE POOR AND THOUGH I GIVE MY BODY TO BE BURNED AND HAVE NOT CHARITY IT PROFITETH ME NOTHING.v-4 CHARITY SUFFERETH LONG AND IS KIND; CHARITY VOUTETH NOT ITSELF, IS NOT PUFFED UP.

GOD WILL BLESS YOU FOR ANY FUND RAIS FOR THIS GODLY PROJECT THAT WILL GO A LONG WAY IN HELPING US TO GROW ORPHANS IN THE NAME AND TO THE GLORY OF GOD, YOUR QUIK RESPONSE TO THIS MAIL WILL HELP US IN JESUS NAME. AMEN

PASTOR CHRIS OYAKHILOMEN.

 
 

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