Joseph Grant Swank: Pastor, Scholar… Poet
Pastor Swank must be popping some kind of pills, because his latest column is… well, you can survey the damage on your own:
RUMSFELD: AFGHAN HOPE DEFIES NEGATIVE CRITICS
By J. Grant Swank, Jr.It?s fact. Nay-sayers feed the public daily with some of the most nasty, negative so-called news that they can conjure.
It’s fact. Pastor Swank has the writing ability of a lobotomized hamster.
When it comes to war, it feeds the enemy. It does nothing to aid the persons defending positive currents worldwide.
You mean the liberal media aren’t coming to the aid of TV psychics like John Edward? Those bastards!
“The liberal press used to laugh at my powers to communicate with the dead… and now I’m a best-selling author! Suck it, Tom Brokaw!”
Sure it’s worked out well for you, Mr. Edward, but poor Miss. Cleo wasn’t quite so fortunate:
“Da MSM ruined my career by telling people I wasn’t really Jamaican! I put a hex on ’em, but it turned out I wasn’t really psychic either. Call me now!”
OK, let’s get back to Pastor Swank:
Time and again, grassroots has pleaded with news anchors to provide viewers with some positive news instead of continually harping on the negative.
Because we all know that grassroots Republican activists should be able to dictate everything the media reports.
Once in awhile newspersons listen to that but much of the time they delight in wagging their desperate heads as if the world is imploding in the moment.
So says the man who happily blames homosexuals for natural disasters.
Peter Jennings was one of those who saw through that anti-agenda with sad countenance and tilted head, particularly if it had anything to do with the Bush administration.
OK, that makes absolutely no sense. Seriously, it’s like Pastor Swank composed that sentence by swallowing a magnetic poetry kit and vomiting it all over his monitor.
Last November when US President George W. Bush was re-elected, it was an exceptionally sad time for Jennings as he had to report that his enemy, the Chief Executive, was returning to the Oval Office.
Next to Dan Rather having an unusually anguishing night of reporting, Jennings was in the same craft, rowing his boat ashore midst frightening high winds.
Say, I think Pastor Swank’s trying to get in on “Talk Like a Pirate Day!” “Aye, matey, set course for Provincetown, the cursed land o’ th’ homo nups! Yar!”
So it is with the New Iraq democracy planting. So it is with the Afghanistan democracy planting. The positives are ignored daily by the liberal media. The negatives ? which actually do occur in a spiritually damaged world such as ours ? are lifted high and enthroned.
Lifted high and enthroned- midst frightening high winds! Those scurvy media dogs deserve t’ walk th’ plank!
hee hee. vomited magnetic poetry kit. apt. so apt.
kudos, bradster!
sox just went up, but the O’s are rolling over as usual.
Yeah, basically, we can’t lose a game for the rest of the season. Oh, and RANDY JOHNSON IS PITCHING A NO-HITTER. Just thought I’d mention it, ’cause I’d hate TO JINX HIS NO-HITTER…
Ah jeez, Wake, c’mon… we need a good performance from you tonight…
Oh even better IT’S A PERFECT GAME. Yes, don’t say anything ’cause you might jinx it, but HE IS PITCHING A PERFECT GAME THROUGH THREE.
Thanks WEEI. damn it, just put the game on, they try to go to an “update” and they come back in half an inning- here’s Joe:
“the lead off man homered and the next guy singled and here’s the tying run to the plate, and a HBP.”
My inability to hear those things directly led to those bad things happening. Come on, get your shit together!!!!!!!!!!!!
and Cora effs the DP
and here is the tying run at third. GET YOUR SHIT TOGETHER BOYS!!!!!!!
HOLY SHIT!!! RENTERIA COMPLETED A DOUBLE PLAY!!!
thanks gathwright, for hitting the ball RIGHT TO HIM!
oh jeez, it’s gonna be crazy tonight. let’s do it HYZDU!!!!!!!!!!
The mighty effect merely stating “it’s fact” has. Why, you’d almost think you could write any unsubstantiated non-sequitur laced bullcrap you wanted and get it published!
Oh, and good luck to Randy Johnson with the perfect game we’re not talking about to not jinx. Or break a leg. Whatever.
Ahem…back to the bidness at hand, eh?
“It will win, in spite of the lagers who preen their selfish lives for another gala at the whatevers.”
mmmmm…..preening lagers…..
I believe that voter registration was running at something like 130% of voting age population. My god, how can you argue with stats like that. Democracy is truly at work in Afghanistan. Even Chechnya never achieved participation like that.
Jesus H. Christ. I can’t take this…I CAN’T TAKE THIS ANYMORE!!!!
Whew. Ok. I’m better. Pass me some homo nups and the freedom spread, I’m feeling peckish.
Maybe Swank makes more sense with… Gizoogle!
“It?s fact and cant no hood fuck with death rizzow. Nay-saya feed tha public daily wit some of tha mizzost nasty, negative so-called news tizzy tizzle can conjure cuz I’m fresh out the pen. When it comes ta wizzle it feeds tha enemy and cant no hood fuck with death rizzow. It does nuttin’ ta aid tha persons defend’n positive currents worldwide.
Time n again, grassroots has pleaded wit news anchors ta provide drug deala wit some positive news instead of continually harp’n on tha negative. Once in awhile newspersons listen ta that but mizzle of tha time they delight in wagg’n they desperate heezees as if tha world is implod’n in tha moment.”
Yeh that makes much more sense 🙂
Steve-
No, I don’t think that DOES make any more sense. It’s about the same.
Pinko- you still around? Did you see MANNY ACTUALLY HUSTLED AND MADE IT TO THIRD???
Maybe it’s just me then…
I understand the Gizoogle better than the regular Swank…
…and now he’s dead!
Oh, Pastor! Pastor! There’s lots o’ weeds in our democracy plantings! Whatever shall we do? Plow ’em under and start over sez I! (I keed, I keed!)
Well, the Red Sox are about the fall out of first place. Un-beee-lievable.
At least they won last year. I’ll always have 2004…
Pinko’s thought process an hour ago “I’ll just run the store to buy food because in the future, I’ll need to eat”
Pinko’s though process now “I’m going to throw up and then destroy my computer, the bearer of ill tidings as it were, another 1 run win for the cobags, another bullpen meltdown for the douchewads! Goodbye appetite, helloooooooo Steel Reserve”
THE VEIN IS POPPING I CAN FEEL IT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
look at the bright side. At least they are not the Mets.
Plus, Randy will choke it for the Janks. I have 100% confidence in that
Typical liberals — such disdain for a man of the cloth! As he’s not a papist, I’d be delighted to have him watch my kids…
Maybe the idea of that column is that if no-one can understand what he’s saying then no-one can say anything negative about it.
Well, apart from the fact that he’s a dickhead and an idiot, of course
wow, the Pasor confuses conjurered ‘news’ with conjugal ‘facts’.
one is unavoidable, the other, irresistable.
Holy Hounds of Palo Alto!
And you guys (and gals) give me a hard time for demolishing Ignorant Fundie Kids at “The Narrow”?
Certainly reading Pastor Swank cannot be any healthier than reading wold-ignorant child writer Bryan M….
We all do a public service. My hope is that I will influence these kids to actually, you know, THINK, and the best we can hope for from Pastor Swank is that his readers will fade into oblivion…..
Suck it, Red Sox! What a friggin’ fluke last year was.
Suck it, Red Sox! What a friggin’ fluke last year was.
Hey, that’s fine. The Red Sox will forever be remembered as the team that made the Yankees suffer the worst choke in sports history.
I’ll give you that. And I’ll say that was a glorious, glorious moment.
Next to Dan Rather having an unusually anguishing night of reporting, Jennings was in the same craft, rowing his boat ashore midst frightening high winds.
OK, that was just to reference the column.
Are you people watching Cleveland at ALL? The Sox, Sox, and Stankees are fighting for the right to eventually lose to them. My only curiosity is who will be the Nat’l League team to lose to the Tribe this post-season.
Guys, it’s half a game. Chill.
tg, you is my bestest friend, now. They are smoking! I mentioned Elarton in the comments here before, 5th starter, journeyman, retread…4 hits over seven plus innings of shut out ball. I wish I could say I saw this coming…
“the New Iraq democracy planting”
“the Afghanistan democracy planting”
Inch by inch, row by row
I’m gonna help facism grow,
all it takes is a storm and a ho (mo)
and a peance of freance, yo.
tg-
Honestly, I would love to see the Tribe and the Cardinals make it this year- I love both those teams. Personally, after the Sox won it all last year, I don’t care about winning the World Series as long as the Yankees don’t either (I wanna be able to hold 2004 over the heads of my Yankee fan friends).
Hey, at least the Red Sox aren’t the Phillies, right?
Angels magic number is 9, folks. It would be a real shame if the Sox missed the playoffs. Either color.
Swank closes this latest exercise in aphasia with what surely has to take the lead in the Swanky Hit Parade:
I’ve seen lagers do many strange things (usually involving forcing me to drink too many of them) but I can’t say I’ve seen them “preen their selfish lives for another gala at the whatevers.” Actually it all sounds like a good hangover breakfast: “freedom spread” on toast washed down by a preening lager.
I like my morning toast with a little freedom spread and a lager. Breakfast of champions.
I like my morning toast with a little freedom spread and a lager. Breakfast of champions.
I like to start my morning by rowing my boat ashore midst frightening high winds.
I can’t even muster a derisive chuckle over Swank anymore. Isn’t there anyone in his whole publishing stream (webmasters, site owners, whoever the hell Mich of Michnews is) to look at that last sentence and say “um, he’s abusing some substance or is suffering the onset of some kind of dementia, but in any case, maybe we should not publish this and perhaps ask the good pastor if everything’s ok…you know, drop by the house, check for empty vodka bottles or infestations of silverfish, or signs of declining concern for personal hygiene…or something?” Don’t any of those people understand the term “intervention?”
Or is Swank’s first language not English? I remember that he’s originally from Alberta, so unless he grew up in some isolated eastern European community, I doubt that’s the case.
This is just so bizarre.
Eff the RedSox and the Yankees. Supermodel preens of MLB, trying to trip each other up in their stilletto heels as they slink down the runway with their prada bags.
Give me a real Midwest rivalry over that tripe anyday. Cards/Cubs!
The Cardinals are about to have their second consecutive 100-win season, return to the Big Game and erase the horror of horrors that was the World Series of 2004.
They have some of the hardest working (and most successful) players in baseball, a winning tradition second only to the Yankees (and if you look only at the modern era, their winning tradition is at least equal to the Yanks), the best fans in baseball, they are fundamentally sound year after year and they have one of the best minds in baseball for their manager.
I’ll take that over the baseball-equivalent of Brittany vs. Christina any day of the week.
Sounds like the good Rev has been sucking down too much sacrimental wine lately (among other things – Lucy in the Sky with Diamonds).
God I hate Cardinal fans. They have all those talking points down. It’s like they get taught that in elementary school.
KIDDING-
I do hear that same stuff all the time. Guess what, Wrigley is great, but I like Fenway better, shitty seats and all, and for the Cub/Cardinal rivalry- what rivalry? I know they hate each other, but the Cubs have got to bring it sometime. I also have had to put up with a Card/Rams fan shit on all Boston sports. Well he got his comeupance, didn’t he?
And why is John in Chicago rooting for the Cards??? ARREST THAT MAN!
PP, the Cubs did bring it in 2003. They trounced the Cards to clinch the division to set them up for the tragic fall of the NLCS. That was something else.
Now the Cubs suffer from Dusty breaking everyones arms for that one year.
Also, just because he’s in Chicago doesn’t mean he’s FROM Chicago.
The lament of the suffering Midwestern sports fan (or non-California or Northeast fan, really) does hold somewhat true. Few people pay any attention.
and if you look only at the modern era, their winning tradition is at least equal to the Yanks
Umm, except for all of those World Series championships.
Look, I hate the Yankees as much as the next guy, but you sound foolish making statements like this. No one has a winning tradition equal to the Yankees, except for maybe the Montreal Canadiens, and they’ve been sucking it for a while.
As far as Chicago is concerned, I never realized how much I could hate the Cubs until I moved to Chicago. The Bartman game was almost as satisfying as the Angels winning the series in 2002. Well, not really, because nothing will ever be that satisfying (outside of a Stanley Cup for the Kings), but it was darn close.
“and if you look only at the modern era, their winning tradition is at least equal to the Yanks
Umm, except for all of those World Series championships. ”
Okay, poor choice of words, I admit. But the only team with more World Series wins than the Cardinals is the Yankees. Granted, there’s a pretty large chasm between the two teams totals, but they are tops in the Senior Circuit.
“And why is John in Chicago rooting for the Cards??? ARREST THAT MAN!”
Because I have functioning gray matter between my ears. Seriously though, when I was a kid I actually hated the Cubs before I loved the Cardinals. It’s a south side thing. I’m a White Sox fan too, but follow the Cards much closer.
“Also, just because he’s in Chicago doesn’t mean he’s FROM Chicago.
The lament of the suffering Midwestern sports fan (or non-California or Northeast fan, really) does hold somewhat true. Few people pay any attention.”
Born and raised in Chicago. Live in a south suburb now, but still work in the city.
And ESPN could just as easily be an acronym for “Eastern Seaboard Propaganda Network” 😉
It would almost be worth seeing the Yanks get to the Series this year if the Cards could go and actually whup ’em.
Of course, I would prefer a grudge match of Right Sox-Cards (with a repeat of the outcome, of course), though my wife is a Wrong Sox fan and would prefer to see them in the Series. If they continue to perform as well as they did against Cleveland this week… well, it is to laugh.
“If they continue to perform as well as they did against Cleveland this week…”
They did do bad losing 2/3, but your Red Sox just gave up the AL East lead to a team that was at one point several games .500. The Pale Hose, even if they do lose their Division lead (which I doubt will happen) are still in a better position to make the postseason than the Red Sox.
“…Red Sox just gave up the AL East lead to a team that was at one point several games .500”
I meant to say several games UNDER .500.
Wow, here’s another Swank article title:
REPLACE REHNQUIST WITH WOMB BABY DEFENDER
Let’s call fetuses “womb babies” from now on.
Ah, though this has turned into a sports thread, I’m gonna keep it political, ‘cos I don’t give two shits about sports. I’m perverse that way, among others. Brad said:
Oh, dude! I can’t let you have that one. Sure, you got your thrilling little baseball championship. Whoop. Look what the rest of us got outta that year. Yeccchh. ’04 sucked corpse wad.
Lessee, Mal de mer said, regarding ol’ Swanky:
Infestations of silverfish? Only in his skull, man, only in his skull.
Swanky’s gotta mind like a Frank Zappa totrure ditty.
*torture* ~ don’tcha hate hitting submit just as you see the typo