A few days ago I asked the question, “Who out there is wingnutty enough to defend Pat Robertson’s call for the assassination of Hugo Chavez?” At the time, only the predictably crazy Pastor Swank seemed up to the challenge. But over the last two days, WorldNetDaily has published not one, but TWO columns praising the deranged minister’s bloodthirsty rants! Let’s review them both, starting with this fine contribution from the Sultan of ‘Stache himself, Joseph Farah!

The case against Chavez

I guess there are certain things you just can’t say ? no matter how much sense they make.

And then there are certain things that you can say that don’t make any sense- things that will force sane people to laugh at you. Guess which category Robertson’s statements fall into.

Everyone who is anyone is repudiating remarks made by Pat Robertson in which he suggested it might not be a bad idea to knock off Venezuelan tyrant Hugo Chavez.

The State Department was quick to distance itself from the statement. The Defense Department explained that it doesn’t do these things. And lots of commentators had a good yuck over the whole controversy.

Us included!

Yet, I doubt many Americans would contend it is always, unequivocally wrong to kill foreign leaders. Can someone tell me it would have been wrong to assassinate Hitler? Is someone going to make the case that killing Stalin would have been a bad thing?

Because just like Hitler and Stalin, Chavez has slaughtered millions of people and has led wars of aggression against neighboring countries. If we don’t stop him, he’ll soon be occupying all of Eastern Europe! (And that means you, Seb, so don’t laugh… unless you live in Western Germany, in which case the USA Freedom Shlong will protect you…)

Given the cost of the war in Iraq, would someone explain why it would not have been better to knock off Saddam Hussein if we had the chance?

Would someone other than Sandy Berger, Bill Clinton or Jaime Gorelick make the case that if we had Osama bin Laden in our crosshairs we shouldn’t pull the trigger?

Yes, it was Chavez who mastermined 9/11 and used chemical weapons on his own citizens.

Let’s face facts.

This column has facts?

One could, if one is off one’s medication.

Kim is a madman with nuclear weapons and intercontinental ballistic missiles to fire them. Bin Laden has already killed more Americans than any other man on the planet and his thirst for more blood is hardly quenched. And, if you don’t know who Chavez is, imagine Fidel Castro sitting on the world’s fourth-largest oil supply, able to buy any weapons system imaginable and networking with the Chinese, al-Qaida and Iran, and attempting to build an anti-U.S., Soviet-style bloc in Latin America.

It’s amazing how, in Farah’s mind, all eeeeeeeeeeeevil people in the world are all sitting around and conspiring to destroy the United States. It doesn’t matter that the ideology of Chavez’s authoritarian leftist government is directly at odds with the idelogy of Iran’s fundamentalist theocracy, or that both are at odds with China’s now-capitalist oligarchy. Nope, if they’re all evil, they must be working together- it’s as simple as that. I sometimes think Joe looks at the U.S. and its fellow English-speaking nations as the Super Friends (Canada excluded, of course- they house too many Frenchmen), while Chavez, Kim Jong Il, bin Laden and Castro are Lex Luthor, Scarecrow, Brainiac and Sinestro (“Axis of Evil,” “Legion of Doom”… it’s basically the same concept).

Is it crazy to talk about it? Is it a bad idea to let the American people know we have, right here in our own Western Hemisphere, a potential threat to our national security?

I don’t think Pat Robertson suggested assassinating Hugo Chavez because the TV evangelist is bloodthirsty. I think he suggested it because he is not.

‘Cause when you think about it, calling for someone’s assassination is one of the least bloodthirsty things a person can do.

We live in a very dangerous world ? a world more dangerous because of people like Hugo Chavez.

There would be nothing immoral about killing him.

Yeah, let’s just toss that Sixth Commandment right out the window. The only Biblical laws that really matter are the ones condemning anal sex.

In fact, if indeed he aided al-Qaida as charged, we have a moral obligation as a nation to do him in.

But we won’t.

Why?

You tell me, Joe.

Because our national leaders lack the courage to take out monsters like Kim, bin Laden, Saddam and Ahmadinejad. They fear a war like that could come home to haunt them. Instead, lots of innocent men have to lose their lives in wars where surrogates are asked to take the risks and do the fighting.

Strange world.

I got nothing to add to that, so let’s move on to our second pundit, Mary Jo Anderson. Mary’s column is pretty much the same as Joe’s, but it contains a some even more outlandish conspiracy theories:

Now we have reports that Robertson, founder of the Christian Broadcast Network, is backing away from his call for Chavez’ assassination. Say it ain’t so, Pat. Don’t back down now ? turn into the pack, face them dead-on.

Yes, Pat, show them that you’re as loony and unhinged as they say you are! And if you can, spray some whipped cream on your face so it looks like you’re frothing at the mouth!

Once you have the media’s full attention, say it again ? and give them more besides. They will report your “loose canon” comments with journalistic ecstasy before they realize their mistake.

That they didn’t call the loony bin on you years ago?

By then the public will have heard some gems of logic that the politically correct-mad world of the press has suppressed.

And if there’s one person who’s a reliable source for gems of logic, it’s Pat Robertson.

As has just about every other country in the world. I suppose we should “take out” their leaders too.

You know Chavez has imported militant Lebanese Muslims by the thousands. Did you mention that the Venezuelan Air Force flew aid to the Taliban and Chavez starved his people in order to send money to al-Qaida?

I tried to verify this, but the only sources I could find were from other wingnut sites. Imagine my surprise.

So please, don’t tell us you were misunderstood, Pat. Chavez need not be assassinated, however. That would merely make him a martyr to Marxists and jihadists. What Chavez needs is an education about where old dictators go when they retire.

It’s only necessary for special ops forces to extract Chavez and take him on midnight ride to Iraq. Deposit Chavez in Saddam’s fragrant hidey-hole for a week or two. Then yank him up, snap a few photos of a matted-hair, blubbering Chavez for all the world to see, and take the newly educated Chavez home to his palace and his oil empire and see if he doesn’t settle down a bit.

Or see if he doesn’t get every country in the world to pass sanctions against the United States for fucking kidnapping him!

Some “cheese-eating appeasement monkey” (I stole that line from someone who has had a belly full of Jacques Chirac) is sure to ask why you are so intolerant of other religions. That’s easy. Tell them that all religions are not equal.

Well, that’s one way to deflect accusations of religious bigotry- just admit they’re true.

Then clarify, “All people have a right to religious freedom, we do not believe in religion by the sword.” Then repeat, “But that does not make all religions equal in truth or validity. Some are heresies.”

While they gape at you in speechless shock add, “Islam is Muhammad’s synthesis of Judaism and the Christian heresy of Arianism. Arianism denies the divinity of Jesus. It holds that Jesus is a prophet, but not God. That is what Islam teaches today.

Yeah, and those wacky Jews don’t see Jesus as the son of God either, so they must be categorically inferior as well. Pat, I really think you should consider taking Mary Jo’s advice- it’d do wonders for your image.

And while you are practicing clear-speak, try this one on the press who will by now be camped outside your door in hopes you will make another startling statement that they can ridicule: “The world hates a vacuum and if the United States is not the superpower, guess who will be?”

Uh, I don’t know… Vacuumstan?

Once you have their full attention, remind them that a map of the world is a handy tool.

And if anyone’s an expert on being a tool, it’s Pat Robertson.

You can get a map of populations, a map of natural resources, a map of geo-political alliances, a map of known oil deposits, even a map of the ancient silk route from Europe to Kashgar, China, where, it’s rumored, bin Laden hides among the Muslim population.

Yep, bin Laden’s in China… time to invade them too!

Tease them with hints like, “Guess who had a 22-year lease with Saddam to explore the Al Ahdab oil fields in southern Iraq? And were in negotiation for the coveted Halfayah field with a projected output of 300,000 barrels per day?” And remind them, too, that this same nation had supplied Saddam with offensive weaponry since 1981, including missile technology. Worse, this nation trained both the Taliban and al-Qaida.

Let’s see: this mystery nation supplied Saddam with weapons in the ’80s, trained jihadi “freedom fighters” in Afghanistan… why, I think she’s talking about the United States!

If the press did its job rather than coast for a month on Cindy Sheehan, they might know that this is the nation that ignored U.N. sanctions in order to secure a $70 billion oil and gas deal with Iran ? an Iran now loaded with money to pursue its nuclear ambitions. Ignore their quizzical looks and continue to say what needs to be said. Pat, go ahead, tell them that this is a nation that feigns friendship and commerce with terrorists so that it can harness Islamic hatred of the West to use for its own purpose.

Yes, Pat, spell it out for them- use shadow puppets if you have to!

“Now, see, this squid represents the long tentacles of Communism and Islamofacism.”

Quietly, this nation has built new warships carrying long-range cruise missiles, and new submarines. It whirls its satellites in space in partnership with Brazil, a country capable of nuclear weapons. When the press can’t stand the suspense a moment longer, whisper your final hint, make them lean forward to hear you say, “This nation controls the Panama Canal.”

Uuuuuh… Panama?

And for those in the back who did not hear, add, “And Hugo Chavez wants to divert oil from the United States to this nation.”

When a bright young reporter sneers, “So what if China becomes a superpower?” you tell her Pat. Speak plainly and slowly: “If you don’t think it matters, Miss, I’d be delighted to buy you a ticket to Beijing. One way.”

And if Bush ever gets around to sending people to Mars, I suggest we buy the entire staff of WorldNetDaily a ticket. One way.