The term, ‘insomnia,’ legitimizes the tyranny of so-called ‘sleeping’

It’s a beautiful New Jersey night, with temps in the high 60s and cicadas thrumming their August tattoo. And of course you open the windows, and you leave the screen door open a crack so that the cats can circulate in and out. And that’s when they get you.

There are these here:

  • The Skunk Family, who live in the little hole by the tree.
  • Mr. Groundhog, who was kicked out of the hole by the skunks about a month ago, and who knows where he lives now? except he still hangs out by the hole all the time.
  • Deer.
  • Two mallard ducks who come waddling up the street quacking for biscuits.
  • Possums: barely worth mentioning because they forget who you are from one day to the next.
  • Big-ass, giant raccoon the size of a small bear, who’s named Popeye the Sailor Man, because he’s always in the garbage can.
  • That weird gray cat who peers through the window.

    Now, I hear this whuffling noise, and I turn around like, “Okay, who’s whuffling?” And it’s a totally different pair of raccoons, standing in the middle of the kitchen floor.

    Just standing there like this:

    raccoons.jpg

    And I’m like, “Look, could you just…?” And they turn around ruefully and pad out the door. As I go to close the door behind them, I see the two adult skunks lined up directly outside, looking up with pointy noses. One of my cats is sitting watching all of this like it’s nothing unusual.

    So I’m wondering now, not unseriously: On the nights when one goes to bed leaving the screen door open, does the entire local wildlife population come inside? Take naps on the couch? have midnight tea parties? play poker with the cats? Maybe it was totally Poker Night tonight, and I accidentally ruined it for everyone.

    [?!]

    Note: A solution to the ‘light posting’ problem we seem to have, with Brad’s classes starting soon, is that I simply post worse and dumber stuff for awhile. If Instapundit, et al., are any examples, that might even result in increased traffic and standing. (Heh. An interesting question.)

     
  • Comments: 20

     
     
     

    It is time to set up motion senser camera in your living room.

    Post stills here!

     
     

    A solution to the ‘light posting’ problem we seem to have, with Brad’s classes starting soon,

    Or Seb could actually do his share of the work for once.

     
     

    Man, that’s cool stuff. All I’ve got is a bunch of rabbits who like to take midnight swims in the pool.

     
     

    No, they don’t come in and roll around on the couch or whatever. Beyond the fact that you’d know if the skunks were doing that, you’ll just have to take my word for it.
    I don’t actually sleep much, but I rarely bother with lights, so half the wild things in the neighborhood would be more than justified in sauntering in and raiding the fridge or viewing the vast collection of nature documentary DVDs or whathaveyou. (“Look! It’s Uncle Charlie! He really *did* make it to the Everglades! Good for Charlie!”)
    Beyond the occasional frog, dragonfly, spider, and literal hordes of mosquitoes, nobody ever invites themselves in.
    Which is a bummer, because I’d love to see a raccoon eat the potato chips the housemates can’t be bothered to put away.

    However, this seems like an excellent excuse to retell my goose story. I work, when I do, at a motel which is set on a golf course. Many of the rooms have patios that open onto said course.
    One day I wandered into a room to discover that the denizens of the room had left the patio door wide open when they cleared out for the day, and left Cheetos on one of the beds.
    I was confronted with a scene eerily like something out of Jurassic Park, as three juvenile Canada geese, hunched on the bedspreads eating junkfood, gave me the hairy eyeball and hissed like utahraptors.
    Details about the condition of the bedspreads and carpets, once the geese were chased out, are best left to your own imaginations.

    Kids, close your doors, tie your food up in a tree or towelrack, and always tip your maid graciously.
    Believe me, you don’t want her job.

    And Gavin, be grateful there’s raccoons, skunks, and other assorted wildlife, feral though they may be, in your area. The way we’re going, it’s gonna be us and the cockroaches pretty soon, and then just the roaches and the occasional republican roaming the desolate planet saying stuff like “If the spotted owl can’t adapt to the superiority of man, screw it,” and “The Lord said the earth is yours, take it, rape it”.
    Obviously, we humans have more than called the cosmic screwing onto ourselves, but it’s a damned shame the tarsiers are going to go extinct with us. What the hell did *they* do to deserve it?

     
     

    If Instapundit, et al., are any examples, that might even result in increased traffic and standing. (Heh. An interesting question.)

    Gavin of Sadly, No! has been dealing with raccoon infestation. He says this proves John Kerry shot himself to get out of Vietnam early:

    On the nights when one goes to bed leaving the screen door open, does the entire local wildlife population come inside? Take naps on the couch? have midnight tea parties? play poker with the cats? Maybe it was totally Poker Night tonight, and I accidentally ruined it for everyone.

    Heh. Read the whole thing.

     
     

    named Popeye the Sailor Man, because he’s always in the garbage can.

    Then shouldn’t his name be Oscar the Grouch?

     
     

    Maybe I’m stupid or too urban (despite living in the suburbs), but I don’t understand the whole “leaving the screen door open” thing. I was under the impression that the purpose of a screen door is to allow free movement of pleasant air molecules into the house while prohibiting unpleasant wildlife molecules from entering. And frankly, if your cats can’t keep it together enough to stay inside or outside for the night, then they should be replaced with turtles or bonsai trees or some other more tractable pet.

     
     

    Then shouldn’t his name be Oscar the Grouch?

    He’s Popeye the Sailor Man,
    He lives in the garbage can,
    [something about] pants,
    [and something else about] a dance,
    For he’s Popeye the Sailor Man.

    Toot toot!

     
     

    Note: A solution to the ‘light posting’ problem we seem to have, with Brad’s classes starting soon, is that I simply post worse and dumber stuff for awhile. If Instapundit, et al., are any examples, that might even result in increased traffic and standing.

    Disturbing if true.

     
     

    The words Gavin can’t remember may be found here. I stress the ‘may’, as there appear to be several different versions. I can’t confirm that any of them are accurate. Especially the first one.

     
     

    The one where he turns on the heater and blows off his wiener comes closest to it in spirit.

    See, what happened to the old songs? That was music!

    I think he ‘takes off his pants’ and ‘his balls do a dance.’

    Disturbing if true!

     
     

    I’m Popeye the Sailor Man
    I live in a garbage can
    I always go swimmin
    With bare-naked (or bow-legged)women
    I’m Popeye the Sailor Man

    This (your post, not the Popeye anthem) reminds me of when I lived in Napa, near the river, many years ago. A family of raccoons lived in the oak tree next door and one of them would saunter over and peer in my living room window every night while I was watching TV. I would shout out, “look, the raccoon,” and my wife would turn and see…nothing. He was gone. Every night. She never saw him and came to believe this was some kind of perverted low-brow prank I was playing on her (not an unfair assumption, there were many such pranks I DID play on her, but this wasn’t one of them). I think that raccoon was one of the prime contributors to the break up of that marriage.

     
     

    I don’t believe you.

     
     

    Gavin,
    The indiginous wildlife you think you saw are actually trained agents of the MIB. They even have their own little soundless black helicopters. What better way to gather intel for the company than to wait for you to fall asleep on a warm summer night (with your screen door open, tsk tsk!)then creep in and get all your secrets for Uncle Dick and Donny.
    And if you’ll notice, when one of those little critters becomes roadkill, not all of the bodies are removed by police or “animal control people”. They only get the ones that have collected info on their targets! They leave the other inconsequential ones on the road. Or so I’ve been told.

     
     

    A few years ago, some show on Animal Planet showed a video like this. A 10-year-old boy kept waking up at night feeling like something had just been in his room. The family set up cameras around the house that would start filming when a motion sensor tripped. The found that a fox was coming in the house through the cat door every night, looking around the kitchen, then going to the boy’s room to stand on his chest and stare into his face. Every night.

    They say they don’t need money
    They’re lvinign on nuts and berries
    They say animals don’t worry
    You know animals are hairy?
    They think they know what’s best
    They’re making a fool of us
    They ought to be more careful
    They’re setting a bad example
    They have untroubled lives
    They think everything’s nice
    They like to laugh at people
    They’re setting a bad example

    (Talking Heads, Animals)

     
     

    And frankly, if your cats can’t keep it together enough to stay inside or outside for the night, then they should be replaced with turtles or bonsai trees or some other more tractable pet.

    Or better yet, Bonsai Kittens.

     
     

    Ppffhht! Raccoons and skunks. Feh! Got lots of those-‘possums, too. But I’ve also got coyotes. Yes, in Illinois-they seem to be spreading to most any area that used to have wolves. The interesting thing is that since they showed up a couple of years ago, the rabbit population has, um, disappeared. I see bunnies very infrequently now. My dog is very interested in them. If he were a little dog, a yip-dog, I’d worry about them making a snack out of him, but he’s a lot bigger than they are, and they want easier meals than that. Still, I don’t like to leave him outside at night for too long.

     
     

    Um, when I said, “My dog is very interested in them,” I meant the coyotes, not the bunnies. Though he’s interested in them, too. But bunnies aren’t wont to snack on pooches of any size, Holy Grail ones excepted.

     
     

    Lemme get this straight….
    The kid would wake up at night “feeling like something had just been in his room”? Ya know, that would be all, like, oooo-eeee-oooo! if it weren’t for the fact that a fox had been standing on his chest! That makes it just, like, DOH!

     
     

    how many times did the fox come in and stand on his chest before the boy’s parents stopped making movies and put a latch on the cat door? Not that it wouldn’t be kind of cool and everything…

     
     

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