It’s Monday. You’ve had a nice, relaxing weekend, but now you’re stuck at work. Your office’s A.C. just broke down and you’ve lost two pounds in the last hour just from sweating in your cubicle. Someone left a wheel of cheese in their desk over the weekend, and the whole place reeks of rancid gorgonzola. Worst of all, your boss just got back from vacation and has decided to start deducting the cost of coffee filters from your weekly earnings.

You come home with a throbbing headache, and you try to relax by reading your favorite blogs. Because you’re stupid, you click on Sadly, No! and discover yet another post on Renew America.

“Oh no, not again!” you say. “Pleasepleaseplease don’t write about another stupid Justin Darr column!”

You notice that Brad R. has decided to kick off his review with a column called “If Iraq is so bad, why aren’t we pulling out of Detroit?” You know you shouldn’t click below the fold, but your curiosity gets the better of you. Your worst nightmares are realized, as you discover that the column in question was written by none other than…

…JUSTIN DARR!

If Iraq is so bad, why aren’t we pulling out of Detroit?

Justin Darr
August 21, 2005

Antiwar protestors and car alarms have a lot in common. They are obnoxiously loud, get set off too easily, and alert you to situations far less serious than they sound. There is also one more; they are usually ignored by everyone around them because their noise never seems to end.

Right, no one listens to the anti-war crowd, and that’s why 54% of the country thinks the war was a mistake.

Many Democrats have been eager to jump on the antiwar band wagon for political gain. While these Democrats are more than happy to call Iraq an American bloodbath, they are decidedly less fervent in their desire to look at their own casualty figures.

According FBI crime statistics, Baltimore, Chicago, Detroit, Los Angeles, and Philadelphia, all of which are controlled by the Democratic Party, had a combined total of over 1,900 homicide deaths in their cities in 2003 alone.

Fascinating. Say Justin, did you know that the number of Iraqi civilians that have died from acts of war since May of 2003 is somewhere between 8,000 and 14,400? Or that this year alone, over 1,600 Iraqi military and police have been killed, while a grand total of 153 police were killed in the entire United States in all of 2004? And that the murder rate in Baghdad is more than twice the murder rate of Washington, DC?

At the very least, these numbers show that comparing combat-related deaths in Iraq with domestic murder rates is an apples-and-oranges exercise. They also empirically prove that you’re a goddamn idiot.

Moving right along, here’s the latest column from “Kaye,”… Grogan:

If you don’t want your children to grow up to be heroes . . .

Kaye Grogan
August 20, 2005

If a liberal drove through a “pothole” it would be President Bush’s fault!

Kaye, I know that you like to employ quotation marks creatively, but it’s really driving me nuts. People drive through potholes, not “potholes,” OK? No need for the scare quotes.

With so many people in America aiding and abetting the enemy, how can the mission in Iraq be a success?

Sad but true: a full 54% of Americans are officially traitors. It makes me wanna say to them, “Hey! You millions of Americans against the war! You better count your lucky stars you were born in a free country like the USA, and not a third-world basket case like, uhm, Iraq!”

There are so many misguided people who are championing the cause, and are involved in a political conspiracy to try and make President Bush and his efforts to lead the way in fighting terrorism a complete failure ? they could care less about the consequences of this type of behavior.

Uhm, Kaye? President Bush doesn’t need our help being a complete failure. He does quite a fine job of it on his own.

What does this say about their loyalty to their country? Certainly, nothing positive. And how many of the war protestors have served their country in a positive way?

Oh, I don’t know… maybe the Veterans Against the Iraq War? The Goldstar Families for Peace, perhaps?

If the latest reports are accurate about the ball being dropped under former President Bill Clinton’s administration, and the 9/11 attack could have been prevented, we wouldn’t be in Iraq now. But when a country is attacked resulting in 3,000 fatalities in one day, especially on our own territory ? it is totally “unrealistic” to give these terrorists’ a pass.

B-b-but Kaye! Iraq! It had nothing to do with 9-11! Are you trying to make my hair fall out?

Even if you’re not a detective, doesn’t it seem the least bit odd most of the terrorists have been captured in Iraq? Seems really strange for this to be happening, considering most don’t want to tie the two together.

Yeah, it’s especially strange when you consider that foreign jihadis started flooding into Iraq from Saudi Arabia, Syria and Iran right after the United States invaded.

There has never been a popular war and there never will be.

Oh. My. God. Kaye, have you ever heard of World War II? The war that over 90% of the country supported? The war that is so popular that it’s widely known as “The Good War?” Or do you remember after 9/11, when opinion polls showed that 94% of Americans supported taking military action against al Qaeda and the Taliban?

And everyone has a right to protest a war, but to expect the leaders in our country to halt a war, because antiwar advocates don’t agree with the war is preposterous!

Of course, they’ll start caring once they get booted out of office, but that’s another story. (See: Johnson, Lyndon B.)

Men and women don’t have to go to war to end up a fatality. More people are killed(especially children) in America every day, than on foreign soil in wars. In 1992 there were 20,818 homicides in the United States. None of these homicides were war related. In 2001 more than 41,000 people were killed in automobile accidents. At least troops are dying for a noble cause.

And let’s face it, if we don’t send people to Iraq to get blown up by IEDs, they’ll just end up getting killed in car accidents anyway. And as long as they’re dying, we might as well put their deaths to good use.

My condolences go out to Cindy Sheehan and the loss of her son, and all the families of those who have stood helplessly by and watched loved ones pay the ultimate price to protect our country. They are the real heroes.

So Cindy Sheehan’s a hero, then? I’m confused.

I am also reminded of a mother named Mary, who watched her son crucified on an ole’ “rugged cross” to save a dying world. And right now there are many people who are rejecting this great sacrifice.

And if Jesus was willing to die for our sins, we should be willing to die for George W. Bush’s.

If parents don’t want their sons and daughters to grow up to be heroes . . . all they have to do is to plant destructive seeds into their hearts and minds ? to be self-centered, self-serving, and egotistical.

Or they could just tell them not to join the military as long as it’s run by an incompetent Commander-in-Chief. Of course, in post-9/11 Wingnuttia, questioning the Commander-in-Chief is itself a destructive and self-serving act, so I guess there’s not a lot of difference.

OK, our last columnist for today is the estimable Rudy Takala. Rudy does his best Ben Shapiro impersonation for us today and says that today’s kids are going to hand in a hellbasket:

The downside of perpetual youth

Rudy Takala
August 22, 2005

Conservatives will often bemoan the degradation of American culture, perceiving that it is being destroyed by perverts and miscreants with low morals.

Well, either that or morally perverted low-level miscreants. Or as Garth Brooks might say:

Well, I know miscreants with low morals,
They have sex on the beach, they hump on the coral,
Well I know perverts… with loh-oh-ow morals!

Anyway, I think you get the idea.

Recently, I attended a summer program on the campus of Yale University. Most people would probably believe that only intelligent, mature people can gain access to such a prestigious institution.

Uhm, sadly, no?

Unfortunately, there can be as many irresponsible delinquents in voluntary summer programs as there are in public schools.

Males still didn’t care if they could be differentiated from animals, and they certainly didn’t care about academics. I asked a few people why they were interested in the program; their response was that it was a good way to meet girls.

Yeah, what is it with adolescent boys and their fascination with these so-called “girls?”

At one point, some individuals determined that it would be amusing to post pornography in one of the dormitories. After they spent an hour printing out depictions of lesbian acts, they finally decided it would be better just to call one of their mothers and ask her to send her son’s pornography collection.

“And one of them asked their mom to come over with her gay partner so they could perform lesbian acts… on my bed!!!”

These people represented the liberal side of American culture.

They did? Does Rudy think that frat boys are all raving tree-huggers or something?

They derived humor from perversion, and they believed their own narcissism justified doing anything they felt would be fun.

Including dunking Rudy’s head in the toilet and flying his underwear from the flagpole.

Behaviorally, they were average students of the public schools. Academically, they were far superior. Nonetheless, the cultural infection that liberalism bestowed upon us has touched everyone, and many have succumbed to it.

Because we all know that every teenage boy would be a well-behaved cherub if Clinton had never gotten that blowjob.

However, liberals alone cannot be faulted for placing us in our present state of affairs.

Hey, if my liberalism inspired some kid to give Rudy a mega-wedgie, I’m not gonna complain.

This observation dawned on me rather recently, when, ironically, I was attending the National Right to Life Convention as a reporter. In one session, I listened to three speakers talk about the need for more young conservatives in the media. Unfortunately, I was the only young conservative (I’m defining “young” as “under fifty”) in the room. I imagine the rest of the young conservatives in the building were in a session more suited to them, such as the one about learning to speak of abortion without “losing your lunch.”

On the last evening of the convention, Senator Sam Brownback gave a speech. At least, he spoke to the adults. The kids, meanwhile, went to a dance that had pizza and some sort of strobe lights.

Dancing, as we all know, is the first sign that your culture is overly permissive and likely ruled by Satan.

In short, liberals aren’t the only ones contributing to the downfall of our culture. The inaction of conservatism’s younger generations and their failure to make an effort at transcending their peers in society can make them no less accountable.

In other words, if you have a life, you’re part of the problem. If you try to have fun of any kind, you’re directly responsible for the deaths of unborn babies. And if you think Rudy’s a loser and you give him a wet willie, you’re probably a direct descendant of Adolf Stalin.

In the past, liberals have sent me mail fretting over whether or not I’ve talked to enough poor people and learned enough foreign languages (in the spirit of diversity, I guess) to be truly compassionate. Well, by their standards, probably not. But until my peers recall the meaning of “vigilance” and cease allowing the obliteration of liberty in this nation, I will not keep silent.

We’ve officially reached the point where the column has become funnier than any joke I could possibly make. If anyone can come up with a snarky comment here, be my guest.