Friday ‘what’s on your ear-pod?’ thread



Ugly American
?2005 Brian and Michelle Jacobsen

Go ahead and call me ugly, I promise that I won’t be mad,
If bein’ a patriot’s ugly, then I know I look pretty damn bad,
So go ahead and call me an Ugly American.


MP3 samples here.

Just as conservative humor (q.v.) takes the form of jokes and wit without actually being funny or witty, conservative music somehow manages to put together all the elements of songwriting and performance without being musical.

Listen and see; it’s amazing and educational.

Having a snare drum be slightly off-time can be a good thing. Charlie Watts has a naturally relaxed snare hit, for instance, while Topper Headon’s is early. It can make a song’s whole tempo sound different than it is, and there are even techniques for getting those effects artificially: You can back a snare off with a delay unit, or speed it up by delaying the rest of the drum kit before tracking the other instruments. With digital recording, there are probably ways to do it with a mouse click.

But that’s all in the range of a few milliseconds, and one thing you never do is take a heavy, thick, propulsive-type snare sound and make it drag. People hear it and think, “Agh! This grates on my nerves in a way I can’t identify. It sounds tired and lame, like the band can’t get out of its own way.”

‘I Love America’ is like the ‘Smells Like Teen Spirit’ tribute song with Journey/Survivor keyboard sprinkles on it, or something — and damn me if that snare doesn’t start off by sliding a full sixteenth note down the hill with the whole band chasing it backwards on roller skates. And then the bass goes into funny curlicues with notes out of the scale, while the singer crams syllables into places they don’t want to go — wrapping up a verse with the immortal injunction, “Justshut yourbigba zoo.”

It’s like a… Well, I don’t know what it’s like. It resembles rock ‘n’ roll in nearly every particular, while somehow not actually being rock ‘n’ roll. It’s ‘conservative music’ — a thing of its own.

Most of the drums here sound programmed despite the main guy being a drummer (it can be hard to distinguish between 100% canned tracks and mixed machine/triggered tracks). But then…but then…what maniac would program nerve-wracking mistakes into his beats? Check out “Soldier’s Ballad.” How?! Why?!

We just learn and learn. The conservatives are far ahead of us in many ways.


Comments: 76


I couldn’t bring myself to click. Your earlier mention of the La’s led me to review their oeuvre, and I am listening to Looking Glass right now, and I will be damned to hell with Trollypants, Jockstrap Johnson, Shortssniffer and Asshat before I will click those links..

trying not….

strangely compelled….

can’t…stop…reaching…..going to click….

YOU’RE KILLING ME!!!!!!!!!!!!!*

*Friday the 13th IV


er…….You’re Ugly!

or in the fashion of the troll…..

er……..Your Ugly!


I see the lil pinko girlo dared to show up here again.


BTW, Marie just left a big pile of crap in her thread below. You guys should ask for a cleaning deposit.


Okay, I was brave and listened to their mp3s. That is about the most boring music I’ve ever heard.zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz……zzzzzzz


Maybe the twin 12-year-old white power girls set too high a standard?

I think there’s a lot to love with these guys. They have sort of a Kaye Grogan vibe.


I am listening to Looking Glass right now

A Jersey band! Do you have the whole album, or just ‘Brandy?’ The album rocks surprisingly hard…


Kaye Grogan Vibe? As Captain Trollypants would say….SPICY!


I see the lil pinko girlo dared to show up here again.

The statement is illogical. What does he(?) mean by “dared to show up”? Dared implies that there is some reason pinko punko shouldn’t be posting here. Pinko punko seems to be the one who posts more relevant comments on this site. Of course, Asshat doesn’t have to take this as a personal attack. I’m actually kind of curious what his(?) motivation is to spam juvenille taunts on this site, or any site in general. That’s just me talking, though.


Hey Liberalace, you want to know why I’m so angry? Well maybe its’ because my Dad didn’t tell me he loved me when I was a kid. Nah, that ain’t it. It’s because you libs are fools and are hurting America!


Dumb Gavin- Looking Glass by the La’s.

FM, get Private and Major over to Three Bulls! we’ve been outted!


Um, why do the trolls always appear at the same time as…

Not that I’m insinuating anything, mind you. We have a helluva time keeping trolls around here, so this is like a gift…


(pssssst, y_run_i_do don’t worry about the “trolls” there’s an explanation in the long thread maybe 50 or so comments up from the bottom. Also check out Pinko Punko’s site )


Are you responding to me with Liberalace, or did you even read my post?

I didn’t make any mention of angry in my post. If you were angry, I’m sure your posts would be angry, too. Maybe this is just your way of expressing anger, but these posts just seem like you’re posting nonsense just for the sake of trying to provoke liberals. And although this post seems to be the clearest you’ve been so far, it still doesn’t have the coherency to be angry.

I will say again that I’m not trying to provoke your contemptuous rebuttals, I would simply like you to give some coherent reason for these “attacks.”


Thanks, y_run. Sometimes I try to be serious, although its about 1% of the time. The rest of the time I pretend to be jumping around in the clouds with my animal friends singing tra-la-la. Then I wake up and realize how shitty the world is, and go back to sleep.


Yh Gvn, w’r th gft tht kps n gvng…..nd ls y’re wrsd nghtmr!!!!!! Bwhhhh

[Hm. Never noticed this before. “For troll infestations, MoveableType provides a super embarrass-o vowel-deletion function. Click the…”]


Sorry, Greg, didn’t see your post until too late. Even though I’m not sure I want to take the time to scroll through 50 trolls at almost 3 in the morning, I’ll take your word for it and get back to you later.


Fine, I admit it, I couldn’t resist. Admittedly, it didn’t even help explain it to me. It looked like our trolls were just fake trolls who were just posting things to make fun of the way trolls type. Even when they insist they are real, it could be just a trick being played by one of the regulars.


Gavin, you’re going to hell for this. Sure you didn’t actually record the music, but dammit, you did put it out there for me to listen to. And that’s a sufficiently vile act to warrant eternal damnation.


Also, I didn’t believe you when you said they intentionally programmed the drums off-beat, but I listened to their Ray Charles tribute “Love Song” and… Jesus Christ, they DID.

Major Shortssniffer

y_run is a torll of the worst kind! He doesn’t even know why we’re trying to get these dumbocrats to listen to our points! Wat a losser!!

very very devilish

Funny how when they claim certain tracks “rock”, there is a definite and quantifiable lack of rocking.

Rock and plastic patriotism = wrong on every level.


it’s about 9-11…it rocks…hard…enough said

Sure, you’ve all been sad and somber when reflecting on 9-11… but have you ever moshed to it?


Yh Gvn, w’r th gft tht kps n gvng…..nd ls y’re wrsd nghtmr

Even without the vowels, I can still see the typos and poor grammar. What are you, Our Worsed Naughtmore? Our Wrased Nightmare?


OK, I’ll bite. Which one’s Brian, and which one’s Michelle?


I prefer the term democrotards, Major, I think it is more fitting.



Word out to Major S and Capt. T! *Hi5*


“It’s because you libs are fools and are hurting America!”

no, we’re fooling the hurt, and liberalizing america.

welcome aboard.


and oh yeah, you’re being a unitard fcuk-wad.


plastic flags

wrong on every level

any ‘you trolls got a chain and a pipe I can tie to my bumper? I gotta go dishonor me some veterans.


Hey, wiseacre, you got a problem with unitards?



but in my 13 years online, I have learned that trolls are invatiable insecure in their own positions, fighting that inadequacy by shouting others down.

good for you and all that, but a good walk is more cathartic.

jsut some advice.


oooh, 13 years and my typing still sucks

‘invariably insecure’


How dare you say that the AMERICAN flag is wrong on every level. AMERICA LOVE IT OR LEAVE IT! Chump!!!!


Are those trolls back again?

Hey trolls, stop annoying mdhatter and guys like that, or else Greg and Pinko will come kick your ass again.



*peeks at tush*


the joke is:

“when i want your opinion, i’ll give it to you”

it’s not poop, it’s shit.

it’s not tush, it’s ass, and don’t peek too hard, the sun shining out will blind you.

how droll. Can i stay any further ahead of you?

of course I can.

got any new hillary jokes?


Asshat, You’re the asshatiest asshat in asshatdom. You can’t spell, you can’t think and you drink Coors Lite. You represent everything that’s wrong with America. Stupid sicko freak!

MDHatter, check out PinkoPunko’s site. He’s got pictures of these chumps. Let me tell you it ain’t pretty!


hhaha very funny. You people think you are alwyas so effing hilarous, but you got nothing on Frank J. And nobodys looking at your skinny butt, so dream on. Wisacre.


then who was peeking at my tush when I was just giving 50?

it’s the blind one.


was ‘hilarous’ a hillary joke?

not bad if it was.


Holy crap, that was horrible. Enough said.


coors light?

the silver bullet?


That stuff gives me THE worst beer-sclhitz.

Budweiser too.

PBR, Miller high-life, not so bad, but I mostly brew my own.

As for pictures, don’t need them. I caught a whiff earlier.


There’s something very strange about these trolls. As PinkoPunko put it earlier something very meta. They’re everywhere (in the long thread and at Pinko Punko’s site) and seem to have some inside knowledge. I can’t quite place my finger on it but they seem familiar especially that FM Asshat nimrod.


Hey Greg H, EAT IT! You Phil Donahue loving freak!


Oh and another thing, Asshat always seems to be around when I’m here. It’s like he’s following me.








Hmmmm, very strange, indeed.


Let’s see there’s Gavin, Brad, Seb and Jeff. There’s also Trollypants, Asshat, Jockstrap Johnson and Shortsniffer. Hmmm……?


It would irresponsible not to speculate.


Ah, but what if we’re writing all the comments? In fact, what if there’s only Seb, and the others are merely sock puppets?


Hey, Asshat…. real troll or not, a warning would be nice when you’re including a link that pops up with a giant picture of a dildo. Believe it or not, some of us “libs” have children around the house, bosses to look out for, etc. Surprises like that can cause problems.

Just askin’ for a little visual respect.



Sorry, won’t happen again. It was just too incredible that such a thing existed.


So Gavin, are you hinting that Seb is Marie Jon’?


How do you know you’re not Seb?


Just listened to ‘I Love America.’ It sounds like it was recorded in a sewer.


Dude, you just so blew my mind! Wow…


So if Seb is me and Marie Jon’ is Seb that means that I’m Marie Jon’.

I feel so dirty


Is that a Peepo thong on Brian’s head?


Is Topper still playing?


I don’t know; he had a bad heroin problem for years. But he also wrote ‘Rock the Casbah,’ so he should’ve had steady income at least.


Topper is Marie Jon’? I didn’t know that weird chick could sing like that! And a troll to boot. Wow. Amazing.


Needs more cowbell!


OK, so you’ve done several posts on “conservative humor.”and there basically wasn’t any. Now a couple of posts on “conservative rock,” and once again, it doesn’t seem to exist. So please, please, please do a report on “conservative porn!”


I have about had it with Asshat. He is everywhere and nowhere all at once. I think they should just ban him from all threads save one, where his lonely shrieks of protestation can be seen by all.


Maybe the PP thong has the incredible powers to do this.


Sorry this is late and actually related to the topic of Gavin’s original post.It can make a song’s whole tempo sound different than it is, and there are even techniques for getting those effects artificially: You can back a snare off with a delay unit, or speed it up by delaying the rest of the drum kit before tracking the other instruments. With digital recording, there are probably ways to do it with a mouse click.Well, pre-digital, they wouldn’t use a delay unit, they’d have messed with the tape speed. All a delay unit is is a glorified Echoplex. But your last point, about the mouse clickability of it all, is probably one of the reasons that I find so much studio-created rock and pop music so dead and lifeless these days (techno/trance/house and hip-hop? Whole other kettle o’ fish).I read stuff like these all the time on music boards: “On the 3rd verse of Custard Pie, Bonham slows down a little! He can’t keep time! He sux!” That’s what makes those records crackle with energy: it was actually people standing in a room recording together, not stuff recorded months apart on a hard drive. The music *breathes*, it has push and pull. I’m baffled at this “drummers should be human metronomes” idea; it’s the human element that makes those records so great, not something to be corrected with AutoTune and Cubase.


Oh, crap. Now I see your point about the use of delay units. Damn heat.


Yeah, see, if you want to speed up the snare relative to the rest of the drum tracks, you’d have to do it with a delay unit, slowing everything else down and leaving the snare dry.

It’s a bit of a tradeoff because any bleedthrough on the snare mic will sound terrible — and the easiest way to get rid of it is to put a heavy gate on the snare, which kills a lot of the ‘air’ in the sound.

But it’s done. A lot of Tom Petty songs have the snare pushed ahead. The beauty of the trick is that it’s REALLY hard to tell that what you’re hearing is an early snare. It just sounds like the song is brighter and more propulsive…


The La’s freakin’ RULE. My band Hope Chest just recorded a version of “Feelin'” for a b-side.

If anyone wants rare La’s tracks, like the session they did with Pete DeFreitas from Echo & the Bunnymen, drop me a line.


for the record



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