Ponzi Schemes: A Look At The Bright Side
There’s been way too much unseemly schadenfreude in Greater Wingnuttia that Bernard Madoff stole lots of money from rich Hollywood liberal Jews. Another strain of this comes from face-mulleted ass-beanie* Michael Laprarie over at CheezWhizBang with a post titled “America’s unborn say “thank you” to Bernie Madoff.” Apparently while Mikey was surfing the net for some fresh wanking material he came across this (emphasis by Mikey):
“As with many other nonprofit organizations, Planned Parenthood has had to make staff reductions at our headquarters due to the challenging economic times facing our country,” said Maryana Iskander, chief operating officer at the agency. “While taking this action is never easy, we want to ensure the millions of women and men who rely on Planned Parenthood as a health care provider that the reductions will not impact our ability to deliver care to those in need.”
Part of Planned Parenthood’s funding declines stem from the closing of the Florida-based Picower Foundation, which shut down in December because its assets were managed by Bernard Madoff. The $1 billion foundation was one of the few major funders of reproductive rights issues. (emphasis added)
Of course, Mikey is under the impression, common among wingnuts, that Planned Parenthood is nothing but a gigantic abortion clinic that kidnaps women from the sidewalks, sedates them, and aborts their third trimester fetuses which they then send to China to be turned into hair product. So he sniffs:
“Women and men who rely on Planned Parenthood as a ‘health care provider'”? Whatever.
Perhaps we can wipe both the smirk and the face-mullet from Mikey’s face with a strong dose of facts. Abortions account for only three percent of the services provided by Planned Parenthood. Other services include screening for breast cancer and cervical cancer, STD detection and treatment, and contraception. (I suppose if condoms and birth-control pills kill unborn babies, Mikey might want to think of the millions of unborn babies that he’s thrown out on soiled tissues after each episode of 24).
But Mikey isn’t finished:
On the other hand, if the current recession is to have at least one redeeming episode, perhaps this is it.
The connection between Madoff and the recession is unclear to everyone but, perhaps, Mikey. But I think Mikey’s ultimate point is that each time someone loses a job, a fetus is born. But doesn’t that now mean that it is his religious duty to advocate full unemployment? You know, to save all the innocent blastocysts from being murdered by employed people?
*Actually Mikey likes to refer to himself as a “post-Republican libertarian/conservative & post-fundamentalist emergent Christian.” But any way you slice it, that pretty much works out to the same thing as ass-beanie.
“post-Republican libertarian/conservative & post-fundamentalist emergent Christian.”
Or how normal people would say that “a prick that doesn’t want to be attached to the failed pricks of his ideology”
“Health of the mother”
– John McCain’s opinion
Celia said it before I could. These schmucks couldn’t care less about women. Everything involving the fairer sex has to start and end with the fetus.
Or how normal people would say that “a prick that doesn’t want to be attached to the failed pricks of his ideology”
Or a deserter who’s stripped to his skivvies and is looking for a sufficiently unbloodied uniform from a corpse from the winning side of the battle?
Mark Noonan was all over this as well. The subscription to the idea that PP is nothing but an abortion mill (in his estimation, it’s a big ol’ c-o-n…spiracy in which abortion money goes to Planned Parenthood, which donates to the Democratic Party, which forces women to get abortions, which provides money for PP, which donates to the Democratic Party, and so on), the idea that this is a redeeming aspect of the Madoff clusterfuck, the whole magilla.
I’ve never watched an episode of 24, and I appreciate that the reference to soiled tissues is about the “rough men and torture” fetish of the garden variety wingnut but Kiefer Sutherland is pretty fucking hot.
I’m kind of expecting that the rightie 24-wankers are getting a softie this season every time Janeane Garofalo shows up. It must be driving them crazy. Er.
30 people lost their jobs but the CEO promises services, including abortion services, will not be affected. On the other hand, the Picower charitable foundation has closed up shop completely, costing more jobs and ceasing funding for numerous health and education related groups, like MIT’s Picower Institute for Learning and Memory, the NY public library, the Palm Beach, FL public school system, and numerous other medical, educational, and Jewish charities. Some of these non-profits will also fire employees, and some will not be able to promise their services won’t be affected, but Planned Parenthood was hurt in a way that will not bring about Mike Laprarie’s wishes so YAY? The mind, she is boggled.
a “post-Republican libertarian/conservative & post-fundamentalist emergent Christian. turd”.
Ah, see? Much better.
What happened to my strikeout? It was there in the preview.
That’s it! I am swearing off this HTML thing for the New Year.
Heh.
That is all.
Well, one does have to do something with one’s day.
And speaking of Torture-Four, good God, I watched the whole wacky season opening jizz-fest in sheer amazement. 75% “What I done wuz right, and I’d do it agin” and 25% “Just in time for the new administration, Jack is no longer fighting Teh Swarthy for the government, but rather, fighting Teh Eeeebil Goobermint Corruptocrats what are trying to put him in da slammer for bein all patriotic”.
Holy Shit.
I wasn’t sure whether to cackle until my spleen left my throat or weep myself knee-deep. Just wow.
In fairness, they don’t really care about anyone.
Tommmcatt,
You actually have to spell out “strike” in your tag, or else the Dread Pirate WordPress won’t comply. Just an “s” will show up in preview, but not post.
My major donations go to Planned Parenthood. I pay monthly and all my donations are earmarked for local services. Women need this help very badly.
After all, what if Mike Laparie’s mother had had contraceptive services in time?
I think the technical term for “face-mullet” is prison pussy.
F— that dude. What the F ever. Ignorance is bliss, I suppose.
“Women and men who rely on Planned Parenthood as a ‘health care provider’”? Whatever.
Yep, I’m betting it’s been a LONG time since he’s needed to think about ‘birth control’ on a personal level.
What the fuck is “emergent christianity?” Christianity has no emergent properties, it’s revelation all the way down.
WordPress can go jump in a bag of dicks.Obviously, Planned Parenthood has declared a JIHAD on helpless unborn American tumors as part of its nefarious plot to exterminate the real-life analog of Teh Glorious Free-Market, a necessary prologue to bringing their Maoist dictatorship to the USA – probably in league with Hamas: perpetrating a Tumor Holocaust … I bet if we could get a squint at the vault-copy of PP’s charter it’d be in Arabic, & their salutation would be “Allahu Akbar” … thus, Bernie Madoff is a True Amurrikin Heero!
what kind of hat is that dood wearing?
looks almost like hair or something.
Is that a prickly pear cactus stuck to the back of his head?
And the proper designation is “wingnut face mullet,” but I like “prison pussy,” too. Also, “living fleshlight.”
“emergent Christianity” ? we’ll see….
Actually, there is a connection between the recession and Madoff–it helped to uncover him. As with all Ponzi schemes, it collapsed when he could no longer pay off the suckers.
You actually have to spell out “strike” in your tag, or else the Dread Pirate WordPress won’t comply. Just an “s” will show up in preview, but not post.
That seems unfair, and makes me want to complain. Thanks for the help, tho.
All these complaints about “emergent Christianity”, well that’s just the term he uses for what’s happening in his pants while he’s watching twenty-four. Sheesh talk about post-fundamentalism.
But back to more important issues – Kiefer Sutherland? Still fucking hot.
“What the fuck is ’emergent christianity?'”
Something equally as backward as regular christianity.
A quick google on this wanker (who I never heard of or forgot about if I did) turns up a Mike Laprairie in…Vancouver BC!
Yet another Canuck Yuck Yuck ? What is it with those people?
Okay – he spells his name funny. Naver mind.
That dude’s hair is the worst Photoshop I’ve ever seen.
Back on point, that dude is a stupid tosser. With a small penis.
Is this the Canadian who turns his AC up all the way in the summer and leaves his windows open when he takes a jaunt down to Seattle to see Pearl Jam cover bands?
I’m pretty sure I made all of that up.
I’m pretty sure I made all of that up.
er, sort of.
Also, back on topic. Ass-beanie? Is that a comment about all the complaints over ass-helmet? Well, I think you may have opened an ass-can of ass-worms…
Ass-Fedora
Ass-Sombrero
Ass-Mitre
Yarmulk-Ass
Wide Brimmed Buttocks
No Legalize, that would our good friend Yoshida.
The proper method for that seems to be a hearty “FYWP”.
Now you know.
Gahh!! too slow.
Ass-Fedora…
How about Ass-Tricorne, Asscap, and (although I think it’s already a name for a donkey race) Ass Derby?
DKW,
As in “Tongue-jack my ass-akubra.”
Or maybe “ass-snood” is better.
How about Ass-Tricorne
I was going to say Bicorne, as it is also known as a “cocked hat”.
BTW, I don’t believe these wingnuts even care about the unborn. All they know is that when they push that button they get results. So they keep pushing it until it stops working. The desired result being “I get a job writing shit instead of the entry level construction or anything involving actual work.”
Ass Derby? Wouldn’t we have to save that one for The Derb?
I was particularly proud of Wide Brimmed Buttocks, but apparently you guys need more prodding.
Ass ‘do-Rag
although I think it’s already a name for a donkey race
Googling this (or any of these terms) is probably a bad idea.
Oh yes I remember Yoshida. Funny; he and Mikey both look kinda frumpy.
“Ass-Fedora” Is that a new Linux distro? Strikes me as a bit downstream.
You all read this hilarious account of one of Not-Jenna’s college friends hanging out with Bush in 2001?
http://www.vanityfair.com/politics/features/2009/01/dubya-and-me200901?currentPage=1
Is that a new Linux distro?
Debiass.
“Ass-Fedora” Is that a new Linux distro? Strikes me as a bit downstream.
No, it’s a new flavor of Ass-buntu.
Ass-Casquette has a certain ring to it, as does Tuchus-Toque.
Debiass – I like “ass-get” though one should stay away from the unofficial asspositories.
ass, make me a sandwich.
So these douchebags with their intense, seething hatred of Planned Parenthood refuse to see any other aspect of its work (STD testing, cervical cancer screeening, etc etc). Yet, at the same time, they’re so blinded by this “PP = EVIL” mindset that they don’t pay attention to any other reproductive service facilities in their community. I was so sick of being swarmed by protesters every time I went to Planned Parenthood for my pap smears and annual exams that when I actually did have an abortion, I went to a women’s medical clinic that literally ONLY performs abortions, and there was not a single protester anywhere near the building. And this place wasn’t that difficult to find–a ten second google of “abortion” and my city search located it for me–and there wasn’t a lot of security around it.
So these assholes are wasting all their resources attacking women who AREN’T having abortions and pissing off people and making themselves look like assholes, and not the ones who are (not that a protester outside the clinic would have made me change me mind, or find Jesus or whatever, but there’d be more a chance of talking women out of abortions if the women were actually going to get abortions, you know?).
Googling this (or any of these terms) is probably a bad idea.
Particularly googling it with an Image Search, oh no……
root@shitbox:~$ tonguejack
What the fuck is ‘emergent christianity?’
Not sure, but the word “turtlehead” springs to mind.
That is the prompt from the latest release of Debiass.
We would like all wankers, Canadian or not, to please not come to Seattle. We have enough home-grown wankers as it is (see Eyman, Tim).
We are SOOO over Pearl Jam. I think the latest big craze is Roller Derby.
I think the countries with lots of empty space—I’m looking at you, Canada and Russia—should get together and create a homeland for wankers.
Wankistan.
For these Fools, Colon-Cockscomb?
Ass-Casquette has a certain ring to it
Or just Cassquette. Buttsby? Fassz? Pananamass? One thing is for sure, this guy can forget the beaver hat- not going to happen.
I see you are using the Feisty Felcher release.
OT, but Debbie Schlussel has a Limp Bizkit video posted on her site. (She also wants us to believe she “works out” to it.) I thought this was interesting in view of last night’s drunkversation re: Durst.
I’m surprised she didn’t post a creed vid. She did, however, post a Tommy Lee.
Limp Deb
Back on topic, I’ve long held that these asscaps don’t care about any fetus. They’re all about punishing women for having sex with other guys, but refusing to have sex with them. The anti-choice women I don’t understand at all, at all.
…they’re so blinded by this “PP = EVIL” mindset that they don’t pay attention to any other reproductive service facilities in their community.
Maybe we need to set up a decoy organization called e.g. “BORSHUNS R US”, where no actual medical procedures of any kind take place as sort of flypaper for the anti-abortion protestors. Non-pregnant women, trained in self-defense and wearing pillows up the fronts of their shirts, could fight their way through the throng of dumbshits, go inside for awhile (have a cup of coffee and play a tape of horrible screaming and evil laughter and weird Satanic chanting), then go back out again sans pillow and saying “Yeah! Sign me up for more of that! I’m proud to be a liberal!”
Then PP could go about its business in peace, maybe.
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PeeJ: If you click on the last embedded link it goes to his website, where he gives his location as the U.S.
Please don’t try to pin this one on Canada; Yoshida’s enough. More than enough. Too much, really.
I’m certainly spotting a trend.
And wankers stay out of the general Southern Cal. area as well! Don’t let the sunny, pleasant, breezy, January weather tempt you. Do let it stand as proof of “global warming.”
Based on the last eight years, I think you are being unreasonably optimistic.
I will always give Bill Clinton a lot of credit for ordering out the federal marshals to protect the Planned Parenthoods. We had a nasty little bunch of inbred fundy freaks called Operation Rescue here in Des Moines at that time. They were constantly harassing people at PP and also at a local doctor’s residence. They were headed up by a truly awful, ugly little man named David Shedlock. After the marshals came, Shedlock made some sort of threatening move and got his ass thrown in the slammer. A few years later, he was arrested for molesting an old woman in a nursing home while working as a nurse’s aid. Somehow that didn’t surpirse me at all.
Typical of members of the moral majority, while head of Operation Rescue he and another member had swapped wives. I always love the sordid hypocrisy that seems to surround these creeps like a miasma.
I formally apologize for typing a similar but different name into the google then jumping to the conclusion that Canada would host someone like that. I mean, given Mark Stain, Adam Y, that ten feet of shit in a five foot person woman whose name I can never remember et al., it’s really quite unthinkable that Canada would, you know, have more of them.
O Canada, I have wronged you.
Also, Portland is NOT the coolest place on the earth just now; whoever told you that is a liar. There’s no good local food, no good local music, no good local beer, no good local whiskey, no good local wine, and people are really uptight asshats. Stay the fuck away.
I’m certainly spotting a trend. And wankers stay out of the general Southern Cal. area as well!
And out of Salt Lake City, too. Sure there’s good skiing, but the numerous wankers who already live here are wanky in a manner incompatible with garden-variety wingnutitude.
If you’re looking for someplace to store the wankers, I’d suggest that there’s a lot of space in that Pacific Ocean. Also, if I read The Moon is a Harsh Mistress correctly, the fact that it is easier to die at sea will help make people there more polite and further a libertarian utopia.
I’d suggest that there’s a lot of space in that Pacific Ocean.
Captain John Galt Nemo and the Not-Atlas!!!!
It’s all meaningless anyway; once this thing takes off, nobody will ever have babies anymore:
“The company is coming out with a virtual sex device for men, RealTouch, that matches, frame by frame, what’s happening in a video through built-in vibration, motion, lubrication and heat.
“A lot of movies are just getting stolen, and this is an experience that cannot be stolen,” explained Jim McAnally, a consultant to the Charlotte, N.C., company. “It’s a better user experience.”
The device, set for release as early as February, was developed by a NASA engineer, the company says. It’s expected to sell for $149.95.
It takes eight hours to program every 15 minutes of video for the device.”
from: http://www.techflash.com/Tech_trends_at_the_porn_show37386899.html
…Jim McAnally, a consultant to the Charlotte, N.C., company.
I know that’s probably supposed to be pronounced like “macka-nalley”, but … come on.
…built-in vibration, motion, lubrication and heat.
I’m trying to imagine this as a feature of some of the Gay porn I’ve seen, and the phrase “mindboggling” does not even begin to cover it.
Ur doin it, er, different.
Jim McAnally, a consultant to the Charlotte, N.C., company.
Irony fail. C’mon, a third grader could do better.
I’m surprised no one’s suggested ass-bowler yet.
Seems like a terrible thing to do to the Pacific Ocean, dump a bunch of wankers in there. I mean, that could decimate several species of fish, including the blue fin tuna. And then what would all the Japanese people eat? What is the half life of a wanker anyway? Do you know how long those things stay toxic? Expose of just several milliwanks has been known to turn sane people into assclowns, which is not a pretty sight, no indeedy.
Isn’t that part of the Obama sex-ed curriculum? Teaching third-graders about anal?
Jim McAnally, consultant to the Adult Entertainment Broadcast Network – talking about a NASA engineer designed cyber-wank device? I think Todd Bishop is getting his leg yanked – and I don’t mean that as a euphemism for a hand (or foot) job.
Candy’s name done turned blue!
The word of the day is apparently “teledildonics”. See also wikipedia entry.
“Mr. McAnally died tragically when The Story Of O was placed in the video machine by mistake”
How about the ass-kangol, known as an ass-lid.
I don’t want to think about a ‘ten gallon ass’.
And then what would all the Japanese people eat?
The National Diet of Japan belongs in the previous thread.
Ass-trucker-hat would be an oxymoron, wouldn’t it?
Hey, it’s not like he has to worry about birth control.
Four lanes, no waiting?
Around here we call that beard style the “poo poo dish”
“Or a deserter who’s stripped to his skivvies and is looking for a sufficiently unbloodied uniform from a corpse from the winning side of the battle?”
And can’t understand why the uniforms of the corpses around him won’t change color, even though he’s wishing really hard.
“Actually, there is a connection between the recession and Madoff–it helped to uncover him. As with all Ponzi schemes, it collapsed when he could no longer pay off the suckers.”
Quite right.
But I very much doubt the original article writer made that connection. Seems more like the thought process was: ‘Ungh. Bad money thing hurts. Me make ha-ha!”
Face mullet, prison pussy… I have always considered those things to be a manifestation of heretofore-undocumented, male vagina-envy.
I’ll say just say, “Hubba-hubba!” and leave it there!
Mike Laprarie and Tony Cox — separated at birth?
Can we not call this cheesehead “Mikey”?
In rural areas where Planned Parenthood operates they are the primary source for ladies health services. Planned Parenthood saves the lives of thousands of backwoods wingnuts every year. I guess the wingers cant grasp that many of their supporters are without health care and female.
Fuck these people.
i hope no one interpreted my comment as a complaint about “ass-helmet.” i totally approve of all permutations of “ass +[headwear].”
thank you for this opportunity to clarify my stance.
and +1 on not calling lame dudes mikey. because there is already a mikey who is not lame, and, like highlander, there can be only one.
i hope no one interpreted my comment as a complaint about “ass-helmet.” i totally approve of all permutations of “ass +[headwear].”
By all means head over to Dies irae, Pt. II and enjoy more.
@justme:
Gives a whole new meaning to the phrase ‘gutter ball’…
Looking at his picture, I can see why he’s got such a raging hate-on for PP…
HE AIN’T GETTIN’ ANY.
Boy, guys like him are suuuuure afraid that women everywhere will stop having guys like his’ babies.
For my part, I’d say not having babies with guys like him is a really fucking excellent idea and more people should do it. On the other hand, I also think not having babies
with guys like himis a really fucking excellent idea and more people should do it, so I may be just a titch biased.One of these days I intend to get a t-shirt that says COMMITTED NULLIPARA in big sparkly letters, especially since half of the natalist contingent thinks I ought to be committed (as in, involuntarily), and the other half thinks I’ll change my mind. (I’m thirty-frickin’ four. In another decade or so, I could be going through menopause. And damn glad to see it I’ll be, too.)
Oh. My. God. If these assberets take the term “emergent Christianity” and corrupt it too, this Christian is going to be goddamned good and pissed off.
Here’s a link that does it some sort of justice: http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Emerging_church
Oh, and for what it’s worth (which is seriously not much), Canadian wingnut hater SUZANNE is on about this topic too. Go mock her.
Canadian wingnut hater SUZANNE is on about this topic too. Go mock her.
done.
Word. I had my tubes tied without waiting to “change my mind” first. That was five years ago. Still haven’t changed a thing. And I doubt very much I’ll ever meet the guy who can do it, either. Much less one who looks like this Cheeto-eater.
NIce to see a search of my name brings up adults tittering like kiddies.