Get This Woman a Syndicated Column!

A wise man once wrote, “There’s dumb (D.) There’s fucktard dumb (FD.) And then there’s clueless fucktard dumb (CFD.)”

Well, my friend Kristin found a letter printed in her local paper that defies all such categories. Only a Frankenlinguist sewn together with the corpses of Shakespeare, Noah Webster and James Joyce could come up with a word to adequately describe the stupidity of this letter. Seriously, if you suffered permanent brain damage after taking 35 anvils to the face while playing Wile E. Coyote’s stunt double in a live-action Roadrunner movie, not even then could you hope to write a letter this idiotic. The only way you could approximate something so gloriously retarded would be to hire a gang of mercenary leprechauns to saw open your skull, douse your brain with Liquid Drano, and scramble it with a KitchenAid 300-Watt Ultra-Power Electric Mixer.

What I’m trying to say is, this letter isn’t very good:

To the Editor:

Opening my front door, I encountered a few complimentary American flags, from Del. Tim Hugo, laying on the ground, in the pouring rain on July 7, 2005. Visually what I saw ignited a time bomb inside of me. Instinctively, I was off to the rescue, to revive the American flags for which it represents.

So after visually seeing (as opposed to sonically seeing or visually smelling) a pile of American flags out in the rain, she instinctively ran out to rescue them because they represented a time bomb ignited inside her.

Are you guys following this so far? Good, ’cause you won’t be able to for much longer:

I picked up the plastic American flags and put them on my front porch to dry off. I said to myself, how could someone defame the American flag, hand-stitched in the 1800s by Betsy Ross.

Yes, how could someone defame the hand-stitched plastic flag that Betsy made in the 1800s? (Wait a minute, did Betsy Ross sew the flag in the 1800s? Sadly, No!)

I also said to myself, a good patriotic act done by Del. Tim Hugo had turned into a nightmare, not on Elm Street, but on Hovingham Court. I was broken, and very saddened by what I had encountered visually on that rainy early evening.

I suppose it never occurred to her that the wind and rain might have knocked some of the flags over. Or maybe it was the work of the same mischievous leprechauns who poured Drano in her head. Either way, I don’t think she put a lotta thought into this.

OK, here’s where things get really weird:

All of which prompted me to write this one-page commentary, in hopes that someone would hear my subtle cry of outrage, and help me revive the American flag and what it represents. Betsy Ross during the 1900s hand-stitched the original American flag…

Sadly, no, goddammit! What part of “Sadly, No!” do you not understand!

…and she put her heart and spirit into each and every stitch. Today in the 21st century, regardless of the texture of the American flag, the representation of the flag has not changed; however, the value system on which we place the American flag has been demoralized.

Yes, when Betsy Ross sewed the flag back in the 18/1900s, she never left it out in the rain. Of course, rain didn’t exist until Thomas Edison invented it in the 1970s, but that’s another story.

In conclusion, I believe it is my civil duty to make an attempt to revive the American flag and remind people that one lady in the 1800s put her spirit into every stitch when designing the American flag. We should have more respect for our flag and country.

Angelina Tull
Hovingham Court

Part of respecting your country means learning its history. Not knowing the century when Betsy Ross created the American flag just won’t cut it.

Well, thanks to Kristin for bringing us this fine new wingnut. Someone should really forward her work to PeoplePolitical or Renew America– I think she’s got star potential.


Comments: 47


Sadly, No! Betsy Ross must be the one that left the cake out in the rain.


I know, it’s Mrs. Reverend Pastor Swank, battling against flag-demoralizers radical and historical flags plastic!


I know, it’s Mrs. Reverend Pastor Swank, battling against flag-demoralizers radical and historical flags plastic!

Flag desecrators global!!!


Wait, that doesn’t make sense, does it, for her to be battling against the flags. . . . I guess that’s because I am only a bog against God and country. I suppose what I should have said was, “battling against . . . plastic historical flag time bomb inciters!”


If you are entertained by this style of creative writing you might google Kaye Grogan. IMHO she is a treasure trove of malapropisms.


Yeah, the representation of the flag now is IDENTICAL to the flag back in the 1800/1900s. We gots 13 (uh 30? 45?) states and that many stars and that’s hows I likes its.


I love his syntax tortured!


subtle cry of outrage

I don’t think that word means what you think it means. /mandy pitinkin


Wait, wasn’t “Nightmare on Hovingham Court” an Agatha Christie novel with Miss Marple? I think it was written some time in the 1900s, back when Betsy Ross was stitching the plastic flags whose value representation we have now demoralized.


My favorite word in this whole mess: subtle.


Well, I didn’t want to beat bolivore over the head with it, Brad. πŸ˜‰ But yes, your Kaye Grogan entries have been brilliant and numerous, and each one gives me a reason to carry on in this crazy, mixed-up, Betsy-Ross-defaming world. Hey, isn’t it time for another Renew America roundup?


All your plastic flag are sewn in the 1900’s by us. What you say?
Someone demoralize us a respect.


I am moved to speak in writing to express the subtle outrage for which this post which you have posted has inspired me to be represented inside by a time bomb. The keyboard in front of which I sit was lovingingly designed by hands filled with heart and spirit. Why then do you in writing threaten an explosion which threatens to douse this spirit upon which rests on my desk? It was on a lovely afternoon, on August 9, 2005, that I sipped with my mouth some water from a plastic cup while visually reading with my eyes the post which you had posted. The letters which you had arranged first into words and then into sentences inspired in my eyes an instinctive explosion in my body so that the water which had been lovingly sitting in the inside of my mouth, left my mouth and found its way instead upon my keyboard upon which it was never meant to sit. I write this post with words in order to hope that we the forefathers of Betsy Ross may join my outrage against the pain to my keyboard of the post you have posted.


If this was indeed a letter PRINTED in a newspaper, I don’t know for whom I’m sadder; the hysterically historical challenged absolute moron that wrote it or the brain dead super patriotic editor that allowed it to be printed. I guess it’s possible the editor was allowing the historical flunkie to be publically embarrassed by the printing. Good God, Betsy, I hope that’s it because if it’s not, please send the editor to journalism school, make him or her write a billion times, “I am an ignorant ass”, then shoot him!


Angelina Tull = Reverend Sun Myung Moon pseudonym?

“Instinctively, I was off to the rescue, to revive the American flags for which it represents.” (One nation, inscrutible, under Me, with Libertarians and marriage to all.)


I guess it’s possible the editor was allowing the historical flunkie to be publically embarrassed by the printing.

This is probably the case. We publish letters on a semi regular basis by a woman who basically blames all the world’s problems, from racism to, mysteriously, overpopulation- on those 40,000 babies that she believes are aborted each year.

She also railed against Harry Potter as a sign of Satanism encroaching on our children, citing an article she thought was real but was actually published in The Onion.


What a nutter. What is Angelina smoking, I wonder? First she can’t decide when Betsy Ross sewed the first flag. Then she thinks one can sew plastic. The only thing she got right is that “the flag has been demoralized”; but I betcha she’s wrong about who’s been doing the demoralizing. *nod*


Dear Sir, I wish to protest in the strongest possible terms.
Have you ever tried hand-stitching plastic flags (even if you aren’t putting your heart and spirit into it)? A few complimentary flags from Del. Victor Hugo could easily take a century or so. That Betsy Ross didn’t really stitch the flag makes her achievement that much more remarkable.So the next time you instinctively go off to rescue that which you had encountered visually on that rainy early evening, think of Betsy Ross and the time bomb of RSI she must be suffering after hand-stitching (or not) the symbol which is now demoralized. See if you don’t.Yours sincerely, Brigadier General Wombat Marwood-Git (retired)PS I am not crazy.


Beth, what you wrote would have taken me 2 days to write. Color me thoroughly impressed. I laughed! Oh, how I laughed.

Keep it coming, Beth. That was fn awesome!


A nice conspiracy theory: once I was with my wife in a coffee shop in a Polish resort town in mountains (they had quite stiff foam in the capucino). An ancient highlander woman ordered a cup of tea, and while she was sipping she kept muttering about Pampers and “those plastics” (disposable diapers were a relative novelty) as a Jewish plot to cause mass sterility among the Poles.

Now, if you think that such nonsense can be expected only from senile semi-literate village women, you are guilty of rank class prejudice.


Say what you will about newly minted mail order brides out of Eastern Europe, but they sure do love their adopted country.


I’m impressed as well, Beth. I’d go on about the Tab on my monitor after reading that, but it wouldn’t be nearly as funny.

Of course, I’m also impressed by the loon who, forget all that other stuff, managed to guess *two* centuries on the creation of the flag, and *still* missed it. So, okay, I may be easily impressed.


Dude, you are such an idiot. Yeah, Betsy Ross stitched the original flag back in the 17th century or whatever…but who do you think stitched all those extra stars on when we added states? She didn’t finish the job until 1959 when we bought Alaska from the Russians for $24–which is totally 19th century!


I bet Marie would know when Betsy Ross sewed the 50th star on the constitution.


Here’s a few anagrams of her name.



First of all, there’s no way that this is a serious letter. This absolutely HAS to be a joke.

Second, dibs on Subtle Cry of Outrage as the name for a band.



sometimes the ducks, they just land in the barrel, all by themselves


Clinton aide took home classified 9-11 papers
FBI investigates Kerry adviser Berger for theft of secret terror documents

Posted: July 20, 2004
1:00 a.m. Eastern

? 2004
WASHINGTON ? In a blockbuster revelation that may prove to be the most shocking scandal of the Clinton administration, former National Security Adviser Sandy Berger is under criminal investigation for pocketing highly classified terrorism documents prior to the Sept. 11 Commission hearings.

Sandy Berger

Berger is the focus of a Justice Department investigation for removing the documents and handwritten notes from a secure reading room, the Associated Press is reporting. He has been serving as a national security adviser to John Kerry’s campaign.

FBI agents searched Berger’s home and office after he voluntarily returned some documents to the National Archives. However, AP reports, still missing are some drafts of a sensitive after-action report on the Clinton administration’s handling of al-Qaida terror threats during the December 1999 millennium celebration.

Berger and his lawyer told the news agency yesterday he knowingly removed handwritten notes he made while reading classified anti-terror documents at the archives by sticking them in his jacket, pants and socks. They said he also inadvertently took copies of actual classified documents in a leather portfolio.

“I deeply regret the sloppiness involved, but I had no intention of withholding documents from the commission, and to the contrary, to my knowledge, every document requested by the commission from the Clinton administration was produced,” Berger said in a statement to the AP.

According to the AP, Lanny Breuer, one of Berger’s attorneys, said his client has offered to cooperate fully with the investigation but had not yet been interviewed by the FBI or prosecutors. Berger has been told he is the subject of the criminal investigation, Breuer said.

Berger served as Clinton’s national security adviser for all of the president’s second term and most recently has been informally advising Democratic presidential candidate Kerry.

Berger was in the National Archives rifling through the files at the request of former President Clinton, who asked him to review and select the administration documents that would be turned over to the commission.

The FBI searches of Berger’s home and office occurred after National Archives employees told agents they believed they saw Berger place documents in his clothing while reading sensitive Clinton administration papers and that some documents were missing, officials said.

When asked, Berger said he returned some classified documents that he found in his office and all of the handwritten notes he had taken, but could not locate two or three copies of the highly classified millennium terror report.

The officials said the missing documents included critical assessments about the Clinton administration’s handling of the millennium terror threats as well as identification of America’s terror vulnerabilities at airports to seaports.

In the FBI search of his office, Berger also was found in possession of a small number of classified note cards containing his handwritten notes from the Middle East peace talks during the 1990s, officials and lawyers told the AP.

“In the course of reviewing over several days thousands of pages of documents on behalf of the Clinton administration in connection with requests by the Sept. 11 commission, I inadvertently took a few documents from the Archives,” Berger told the AP. “When I was informed by the Archives that there were documents missing, I immediately returned everything I had except for a few documents that I apparently had accidentally discarded,” he said.

Breuer said Berger believed he was looking at copies of the classified documents, not originals.

Berger took handwritten notes on the classified papers, which his lawyer claims was “technical violation of Archive procedures, but it is not all clear to us this represents a violation of the law.”

Berger testified at one of the commission’s public hearings about the Clinton administration’s approach to fighting terrorism. The former president answered questions at a private meeting.

The former national security adviser had ordered his anti-terror czar, Richard Clarke, in early 2000 to write the after-action report and has spoken publicly about how the review brought to the forefront the realization that al-Qaida had reached America’s shores and required more attention.

Berger testified that during the millennium period, “we thwarted threats and I do believe it was important to bring the principals together on a frequent basis” to consider terror threats more regularly, according to the AP report.

The missing documents involve two or three draft versions of the report as it was evolving and being refined by the Clinton administration, officials and lawyers say. The Archives is believed to have copies of some of the missing documents.

Breuer said the Archives staff first raised concerns with Berger during an Oct. 2 review of documents that at least one copy of the post-millennium report he had reviewed earlier was missing. Berger was given a second copy that day, Breuer said.

Officials familiar with the investigation said Archives staff specially marked the documents and when the new copy and others disappeared, Archives officials called Clinton attorney Bruce Lindsey to report the disappearance.

Berger immediately returned all the notes he had taken, and conducted a search and located two copies of the classified documents on a messy desk in his office, Breuer said. An Archives official came to Berger’s home to collect those documents but Berger couldn’t locate the other missing copies, the lawyer said.

He retained counsel, and in January the FBI executed search warrants of a safe at Berger’s home as well as his business office where he found some of the documents. Agents also failed to locate the missing documents, according to the AP account.

Justice Department officials have told the Sept. 11 commission of the Berger incident and the nature of the documents in case commissioners wanted more information, officials said. The commission is expected to release its final report Thursday.

Congressional intelligence committees, however, have not been formally notified.

“The House Intelligence Committee has not been informed on the loss or theft of any classified intelligence information from the Archives, but we will follow up and get the information that is appropriate for the committee to have,” the committee said Monday in a statement. “And if it has occurred, we should be informed. If there has been delay in getting the information to the committee we need to know why.”

Berger is the second high-level Clinton-era official to face charges over taking classified information home.

Former CIA Director John Deutch was pardoned by Clinton just hours before Clinton left office in 2001 for taking home classified information and keeping it on unsecured computers at his home during his time at the CIA and Pentagon. Deutch was about to enter into a plea agreement for a misdemeanor charge of mishandling government secrets when the pardon was granted.

Related offer:

Clinton’s devastating ‘Intelligence Failure’

.Sandy took papers that now tells us that Clinton knew terrorists were here in the USA . Then we had Moore, Dean blaming President G. W. Bush. I’m going to write about this Gavin. This is what happens where a war on terror ways politicized by the far left democrats. This is un American .Ali Mohammed There here legally? Oh , my God!



Double game misconduct and 10 minutes in the penalty box for gratuitous “blame Clinton” reference.

And one massive buttfuck to the troll (unless the troll likes buttfucking and lord knows I enjoy it now and then).

Carry on.


Marie, you are a tiresome idiot. Furthermore, really slow on the draw, with your year-old World Nut Daily story. Not that this will matter to you, but the papers that Berger took were copies of the original documents. You know, xeroxes. Nothing original was removed or destroyed. No real harm was done. While technically the law was broken, it was hardly a major security breach, and it has been satisfactorily resolved. Grasping at straws much?


Marie post made me nostalgic for those sweet times when taking a wrong laptop home (or firing staff in the White House travel office) was sufficient for a scandal. Now 9 bilions dollars and 500 tons of the most lethal substances known to mankind are missing in Iraq and one cannot even have a decent investigation.

Ah, we regressed from failures of intelligence to triumphs of stupidity.


Yes, and Marie is right…
Darn those Liberals for politicizing the whole mess!
Honest Conservatives (ouch!) tried to keep this all above-the-board until those nasty liberals made it “political” hehehehehehehe hooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo!


You know, I could’ve sworn Marie was done with Sadly, No! Doesn’t she have her own site to keep track of without worrying about the nasty, un-American liberals? And how was her “story” in any way relevant to this comment page?


The ironic thing is that those plastic flags were probably made in China.


Marie is just upset because her Mom wrote the letter we’re all laughing at. I mean come on, the syntax, the “thought” process. It just screams (in a subtle way) MARIE!


Y and Woodrow, Marie has gone from the hilarious “Sadly, Yes!” to get back at Jeff George, and Frank and has started spamming their comments in hope of running up their bandwidth. She used to be cute, but now she’s getting annoying.

I’m sorry, Marie! I didn’t mean it! Please come home.


can’t we just send her a cute kitten photo so she’ll go away? Look marie, Kittens!!


Kaye Grogan’s latest opus is titled “We No Speak English”:

Timely, no?


my favorite joke, nice


oh, look, our soldiers are still dying, better cheer harder


nope, still supporting oppressive (energy rich) governments

C_L_I_N_T_O_N_S P_E_N_I_S_!_!_!_!_!

let’s see, nope, skull and bones is still in da’ house…. one more



damn, and after all that, we’re still denying due process to prisoners who are being tortured and killed in the meantime.

yep, it is clearly clinton’s penis’ fault. all of it.

Amazing, the stain on the dress even SPELLED 9/11, AND took the shape of the man on the box with the electrodes at AG,

and how is it possible that no-one mentioned that Monica Lewinsky and Lyddie England were in sex-ed class together?


damn comments, always losing my name


> The ironic thing is that those plastic flags were probably made in China.

Holy sh-wow! Betsy Ross is/was Chinese??!! Whoda thunkit?


So after visually seeing (as opposed to sonically seeing or visually smelling) a pile of American flags out in the rain, she instinctively ran out to rescue them because they represented a time bomb ignited inside her.

But what about Del. Tim Hugo, whoever that is, “laying on the ground” on her front lawn? Are there always men laying on this woman’s front lawn? And if so, can Hillary be blamed for it? That’s what I want to know.


Regardless of responsibility, didn’t 9/11 HAPPEN on W’s watch? Pretty sloppy Georgie! Take another medal out of petty cash.


Does this woman write Nigerian Scam letters on the side? The syntax and spelling are eerily similar to the three or four I find in my inbox every morning


This made me verbally laugh out loud.


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