I’ze Back Bitchez
Posted on January 6th, 2009 by D. Aristophanes
Can’t promise anything. It’s been tough for all of us paycheck collectors (I had to focus on not getting sacked over the last few months.*
What I can promise from this space is this:
– Relentless procrastination
– Failed marriages
– Hours and hours of Boston hate and Barry love
– Less Retardo, more HTML
– A disgust with God in all his Earthly and non-existent manifestations
– Clif in all his prodigulous, talented glory
– No mention of the word ‘settlements’ until Minute 47 of any and all hour-long Sunday gabfests whose subject is Gaza … if you’re lucky
– Shit moats
*UPDATERAPE: Closed parentheticals will cost youse extra
and don’t even ask me about New Year’s … but I’m sorry if I puked on/hit you in advance
I don’t recall anyone puking or hitting on me in advance of New Year’s.
Boy, was I surprised the next morning.
Welcome back D. A.!
Sorry, however, to find out you’re a mere middle-class pig like the rest of ’em. (Whoever “’em” are.)
Take a page from my book. Threaten people w/ a gun, go to the nut house for a 5150, lose everything you’ve accumulated, become homeless. Eventually you can get disability; & after thirty yrs. of wage slaving, you can retire on it!
Wise up, squares!! Jobs are like life, & some ex-spouses: nasty, short & brutish. Having a life & a job that are both N, S, & B is too much for sensitive people like us.
Are the Gnats still looking at (our) Manny? And isn’t Barry way old news, at least until he’s convicted?
justathought may be confused: Didja mean “hit” or “hit on?”
DA, I think we need to eat some pork.
Moar shit moats plz, thx.
Close braces, bitches!
It makes more sense with this.
The bitchez is grateful.
Everyone should bust out their Stooges records today. Ron Asheton was found dead in his home in Michigan this morning. 🙁
*u/l quarter to D.A.*
I can haz clothes parenfesees?
What’d you call me?
Legalize–holy crap….and I was just jogging to The Stooges yesterday at the gym. Weird.
Now I’m off to MacWorld … gag.
Prediction: Steve Jobs will make a surprise appearance that nobody notices because he’s standing sideways.
D.A.,
Please let us know if they, you know, announce anything worthwhile. Like a flat screen shaving razor, or something like that.
Why don’t you bring Steve Jobs the sammich? That would be a nice thing to do.
I understand “hormone imbalances” can be cured with milk solids.
Organic, hormone-free milk solids.
From Dogcows.
Clarus…I’ve not heard that name since…
You didn’t hit on me, but I forgive you for that. Ships in the night &c.
Moooof!
Oh great.The boring one’s back.
(humming “Welcome Back Kotter” theme)
“Relentless procrastination” sounds awesome … I’ve been meaning to try that some day. Maybe next week, or by sometime this spring.
I’m holding out for “piss moats” – easier to fill, as long as you remember to line the base & walls … & much more colorful once the microflora starts blooming.
Rock Action? Dead!!! Yikes!!
If you had puked on someone while hitting on them at the same time…that I’d pay to see.
jim said
.
what I wanted to say and mentioned microflora. Dude!
Did saving your job cost you your marriage? I hear this happens in this “new economy.”
I realize MacWorld’s a bust but can you bring back some presents?
Wait…Less Retardo, more HTML?
How do you have anything to do with…wait a second!
“Ron Asheton was found dead”
Okay, stop there. Fuck.
Sorry, that was totally insufficient. I meant
FUUUCKFUCKFUCKFUCKFUCKITYFUCKFUCKFUUUCKFUCKFUCKFUCKFUCKITYFUCKFUCKFUUUCKFUCKFUCKFUCKFUCKITYFUCKFUCKFUUUCKFUCKFUCKFUCKFUCKITYFUCKFUCKVVFUUUCKFUCKFUCKFUCKFUCKITYFUCKFUCKFUUUCKFUCKFUCKFUCKFUCKITYFUCKFUCKFUUUCKFUCKFUCKFUCKFUCKITYFUCKFUCK