Shorter John Bolton
Posted on January 5th, 2009 by Brad
- OK, so, like, get this, man. Y’know how the Israelis have been having, like, these problems with these alleged “people” called the Palestinians for all these years because they’ve been occupying their land? Well check it, daddy-o, I’ve got the perfect solution: let’s hand the West Bank and Gaza over to Jordan and Egypt and make *them* deal with the mess! This shit is so brilliant, I can’t believe it took me 12 hits of chronic to come up with it!
‘Shorter’ concept created by Daniel Davies and perfected by Elton Beard. We are aware of all Internet traditions.™
Yeah, I should be back blogging again soon, btw. Wingnuttery reached a critical mass during the 2008 presidential election and I haven’t been able to bring myself to read much more of it ever since.
UPDATE: Oh joyous day! I just discovered that Bolton now has another op-ed published today, this one in the New York Times! Let’s do it justice and shorten it:
- Hey, remember when me and my buddies used to argue for giving the president unlimited power to do anything he wanted? Welp, we’re starting to rethink that now that Surrendercrat Barack HUSSEIN Osama is in charge.
‘Shorter’ concept created by Daniel Davies and perfected by Elton Beard. We are aware of all Internet traditions.™
Wingnuttery reached a critical mass during the 2008 presidential election and I haven’t been able to bring myself to read much more of it ever since.
Believe it or not, Brad, they’ve gotten all calm and rational and shit when you weren’t looking.
Believe it or not, Brad, they’ve gotten all calm and rational and shit when you weren’t looking.
Oh plz. I just read Erick Erickson below, homeboy. I ain’t fallin’ for that.
OK you got me, lolzers.
If you need a dose of schadenfreude, you can head over to the Strib and read some wingnuts crying about how the dirty hippies and ACORN and Saturday Night Live stole the election from good ol’ Senator Norm.
Who is John Bolton, and why should anyone be listening to him?
Who is John Bolton…
Ask the shrieking harpy, moustache rider.
This is perfect because everyone hates it.
The Palestinians have been treated as badly by Egypt and Jordan as by Israel, so they’ll hate it.
The last thing the unpopular governments of Egypt and Jordan want is an injection of militants who hate them, so they’ll hate it.
And the whole reason Israel’s held onto the territories is they’re a buffer zone of control against Arab nations. So giving away the territories entirely pretty much defeats the whole purpose – i.e. they’ll hate it.
Bolton is a f’ing genius.
Damn. I had “Despondent over the inevitable but still completely depressing liberal circular firing squad long before Obama even gets sworn in on the Koran” as the reason Brad was missing.
So Bolton’s latest plan destabilizes two more Middle Eastern countries? Is it just me or will Bolton embrace A Jacksonian’s solution next?
Oh yeah, I even remember a VLOG in which Pamela admitted to having a “crush” on Bolton, and it wasn’t Michael Bolton (which would’ve been almost as bad). Of course she said the same of Ibn Warraq…..divorce does strange things I guess.
Brad, what did you think? There is a new critical mass of wingnuts rejoicing at the deaths of Palestinians while wishing for the assassination of Obama. It’s nuttier than ever out there, you’ll be able to catch up just fine;)
He is the walrus. Goo goo ga choo!
Hang on…Bolton seriously suggested handing Jerusalem over to the Jordanians?
Pam Atlass must have a soaking wet pillow from all the crying she did at THAT betrayal! I bet she even returned his pin!
Why has Captain Kangaroo turned to the Dark Side?
“Who is John Bolton, and why should anyone be listening to him?”
He is a white man with a mustache. Who advocates killing lots of brown people.
Now now, Cid, everyone knows Captain Kangaroo is already in Hell because of that incidence with the moose and the ping-pong balls.
Let’s just give Garfield County Montana to Israel.
About the same size.
Leon, NOTHING happened. NOTHING!
Besides, there’s a perfectly innocent explanation.
Now now, Cid, everyone knows Captain Kangaroo is already in Hell because of that incidence with the moose and the ping-pong balls.
It was the moose’s own fault for hanging around John Bolton.
Not so! Peak wingnut is always happening. This moment, for wingnuts, is more insane than the last. So is this one. And this one. And…this one. Recall Peter Gibbons saying that each day is worse than the last one, so each day is the worst day of his life. Same sort of thing here.
Anyway, I love how Bolton thinks people give a crap what he thinks.
Frankly, I’m just happy to have a chance to bring up moose and ping-pong balls without Sarah Palin or Michelle Malkin anywhere near the story. It’s so rare, and yet Captain Kangaroo offers both at the same time.
The “Three State Solution” was what we essentially had from 1948-1967. The Egyptians for a while set up an “All-Palestine” government in Gaza and gave lip service to Palestinian independence, but Jordan essentially annexed the West Bank. The Egyptians eventually wound up the Gaza government and ran the Strip (though they limited the ability of Gaza residents to move to Egypt).
So the Three State solution will not work either.
For some reason, wingnuts like to subordinate everything about their lives to their politics. In the case of Ibn Warraq, either he’s anonymous or some kind of disgusting suit (I forget which; either he’s legitimate enough about his ‘fears’ to actually hide, which is hilarious and pathetic but at least consistent, or he’s just riding the Rushdie living-martyr express to boost his otherwise eminently worthless career); in the case of Bolton, he’s a disgusting old man who likes to make people angry and then pretend he didn’t do anything. He’s like a grown-up version of the original cartoon Dennis the Menace, only he spent a while representing the world’s largest military and economic power at the largest supranational organization on Earth in order to gain easy glibertarian/Bircher brownie points for his good liege Bush II the the Codpieced.
In other words, Dennis the Menace (the mean, evil version) with the capacity to start a nuclear war.
He’s not just unattractive as a person, although even speaking as someone who has near-zero appreciation of male beauty I can see that it takes a fairly warped sensibility to find him attractive. (At least with Thomas Friedman one has the option of attempting to ejaculate on his stupid moustache; with Bolton it appears we have been beaten to the punch.) But even for a wingnut, he’s so completely without value as a thinker, a worker, and a man that the idea of finding him attractive is literally insane.
Ms. Atlas finds him comely for the same reason a particularly washed-up huffer-slut might desperately search for something passingly desirable in the latest person to trade him or her enough to buy a can of spraypaint for a half-hearted rim-job. She is so desperate to stoke her addictions that – within whatever limits poor enforcement of the social law allows – she would have (and has!) lubed up and act wet for the Pope in a pinch.
The main difference is that being able to trust the toluene addict with your children isn’t contingent on the color of their skin.
Clearly we could clean up this whole bed of Palestinian terrorism if we just call in the RedState STRIKE FORCE!!! RSSF is GO!!!
Yup. Bolton’s suggestion is basically what Lileks would come up with if he had any more grasp of history than the basic mental osmosis necessary to learn that he wouldn’t have needed to cook to weedle sex out of his wife fifty years ago.
In other words, it was basically a small miracle he didn’t use “Mahometan” compulsively.
The Grand Old Party: building a bridge to the 19th century — one demographic crisis at a time.
(Due apologies if I’m no longer particularly regular. Carpal tunnel in remission = one of my freaking hands in a gauntlet and the finger that does half of my typing largely numb anyway.)
El Cid–OMG, now THAT is one hell of a find….you think they’re allied with the LaHaye fans’ “Tribulation Force”?
By the way, Israel & Hamas are once again working for a few common purposes: Hamas is pushing to get Egypt to open the southern crossing into the Gaza strip, since Israel keeps blockading all other access. Egypt’s bought off leadership has to ask permission from the U.S. to open the southern crossing, due to the Hamas presence.
What’s funny is that Israel would love nothing more than to effectively make Gaza and its 1.5 million residents the problems of Egypt.
Also, the link to the hysterical (in more sense than one) ‘A Jacksonian”s plan is a pretty good case study in why listening to anyone who thinks in hardware terms is suicide, and it’s kind of funny to hear someone pulling the same culturally and historically ignorant shit who was, for a time, the fucking US ambassador to the UN.
I think if he had been senior attache to the Maldives he would have found a way to kill thousands of Americans. Thinking you can get Jordan and Egypt to help split Syria between Israel and Kurdistan just takes reading one Clancy novel too many; being so stupid as to think ‘this time for sure!’ works anywhere near the Middle East takes a certain devotion to ignorance.
It’s not my find; Brandon Friedman and VoteVets.org are tearing RedState a new one for being a bunch of loudmouth chicken hawks who never served in the actual military but like playing dressup and talking tough.
I’m choosing to reimagine the RedState Strike Force as a tone-deaf, uncoordinated version of the Elite Beat Agents.
The Bizarro Beat Agents, I guess. They go out, never actually assisting the people that cry out for help, but instead motivate them to do something for themselves by sitting around, bitching, and blaming the person who asked for help for their problems and the problems of the RedState Agents.
Oh my jesus, please tell me you’re just talking about the one in the books.
Shorter John Bolton: I am the walrus.
alec — Egypt and Jordan both have pretty much said they do not want the problem.
What the Palestinians need right now is a Michael Collins.
Also, here is VetVoice, the aforementioned shit-tear-outers. Dunno about Friedman, but they do a majestic job.
It’s worth remembering that it’s pretty rare for wingnuts to actually join the military. The closest they come is usually private contracting, which is kind of like being in the military except you’re above the law, have far looser physical and behavior standards, and they tend to openly encourage masturbating over expensive military-industrial horseshit. Your quiet, service-to-their-country types like Eisenhower get jack shit in the wingnut memory; meanwhile, the racist, imperialist goon that invented the Scout is Assault Weapon Jesus.
The best part about Bolton’s Times op-ed is that he co-authors with John Yoo…and the the subhead said something about how Obama must understand that the Constitution doesn’t end at the water’s edge. Yes, you heard that right, John Yoo says this. I had to check paper again to make sure it wasn’t the Onion.
And Andy Rosenthal publishes this shit, apparently without a trace of irony. Your nepotistic Times in action!
Gee, you mean now that the President is a Democrat, he doesn’t need the far-reaching and executive powers your guy needed for eight years?
Guess that War on Terror wasn’t as world-threatening as imagined, huh.
So I guess the RSSF is like a bunch of LARPers, desperately wishing they could do this shit in real life, but ultimately knowing that a) they live in a fantasy world, and b) even if it were all real, they wouldn’t have the balls to actually do anything about it.
Sorry, Arky, typed that before I read the comments.
If you need a dose of schadenfreude, you can head over to the Strib and read some wingnuts crying…
Heh.
Yoo spent the eight or so years before he became America’s foremost advocate of the President’s intrinsic power to manually crush the testicles of strategic children whining about how horribly Clinton was abusing the Constitution with his overreaching efforts to fight the completely fictional terrorist menace.
What it says about the Republicans is basically that they’ve been so heavily impregnated by Partei Uber Alles shit-vendors that they no longer have the internal capacity to distinguish a legal or philosophical expert from a scholarly prostitute, even at the highest levels of government.
Unless I’m completely mistaken about all kinds of shit, the future of the right is inside of the Democratic Party; either we’re going to stay an effective one-party state for some time or there’s going to be some kind of long-overdue new party system developing. A party made of Yoos has nothing but inertia keeping it from sinking to the level of the Natural Law Party.
I think that all that RedState STRIKE FORCE needs to make a real impact is a better logo patch / crest / shield / doo-hicky. Surely we can help our nation by doing so.
Just like how the Ole Perfessor now wants a weakened VP.
No one could have predicted that once the wingnuts were out of power they’d start arguing that all those juicy powers they created/abused/lied about during the past 8 years don’t actually exist when Dems are in charge.
Note that Bolton is suggesting that unplugging down the Unitard Executrix Powers is necessary to protect us from Hillary Clinton’s plans to ensnare us in a buncha damn treaties and whatnot.
I don’t mind this guy writing op-eds. I just wish he would stop showing up in those old Warner Bros. cartoons and yelling “Ya long-eared galoot!” at Bugs Bunny.
Hm…. Nobody over at Red State seems to have considered that putting all their names on the Red State Strike Force list might just give the authorities a little head start when they come to round up all the conservatards for the re-education camps and whatnot.
In fact, I find it very surprising that some anonymous commenter has not yet pointed that out to them. Not that I would advocate anybody going over and doing that, because that sort of ratfucking is Just Not Done.
Oh, please. ‘Obama’s gonna put all of the conservatives in reeducation camps” is so last Monday, Saturday, Tuesday, and the Sunday after next.
Everyone knows these day[s] that Obama is flouting his unhinged supporters by being an un-Clintonlike moderate.
I mean, if you’re on Hawaii time, I guess instead he intends to replace the government with a blue-ribbon panel of Arab penises, but that’s only for the next ten minutes or so.
Red State Strike Force?
What is with these people that they need to have a military/war analogy for everything?
What is with these people that they need to have a military/war analogy for everything?
Extreme debilitating cowardice.
Unless I’m terribly mistaken, ‘force’ is generally restricted to military marginalia (operation names, discussion in the plural, etc). More accurately, they need to have a special operations analogy for everything. It can never be a normal operation; the Secretary of Defense wiping his ass is Gallant Hero Spear IX.
When more intelligent people manipulated the peasants instead of leaving them to manipulate themselves as they packed up their bug-out vehicles and surreptitiously bought up UAE real estate, it was a way to generalize the state of exception and offer a bit of manly pride to people who were constitutionally incapable of it, a way of steering them towards segments of society (the Marines within the army, the CIA within the intelligence community, and so on) that more openly encouraged fascist behavior and blind obedience, which were readily used by the little Straussians in charge of the power machine.
These days, it’s just something they do without knowing why. Reagan’s chief of staff would have been able to state explicitly why he had a press conference set up to frame the President’s balls like a halo. Rove, by contrast, is about as clued-in as J-Go – and, these days, proud of it.
The best part about Bolton’s Times op-ed is that he co-authors with John Yoo
Yoo who?
Unless I’m terribly mistaken, ‘force’ is generally restricted to military marginalia (operation names, discussion in the plural, etc). More accurately, they need to have a special operations analogy for everything.
That would make them a Special Operations Group or SOGgy.
The Odobenus Brigade.
You’ll be able to identify them by by their snot-covered ‘staches.
“Extreme debilitating cowardice.”
I’m actually a bit of a coward myself. With one difference, however:
I………went……..anyway.
Who is John Bolton, and why should anyone be listening to him?
I still can’t get over the fact that this guy, whose last big news mention was when he told Fox that bombing Iran would be “prudent” and if other countries wouldn’t go along with it we’d have to do it ourselves,was our ambassador to the U. freaking N., our top diplomatic representative to the world.
yes but major kong you aren’t a PUSSY in addition to being a coward, which is one difference between you and an average red-stater.
The best part about Bolton’s Times op-ed is that he co-authors with John Yoo
Yoo who?
– Hu’s the Premier of China, but who’s the former legal counsel to George Bush?
– Yoo. And I don’t know – who’s the Premier of China?
– I’m not the former legal counsel to George Bush. And I already told you Hu’s the Premier of China.
– I never said you were. And I’m still waiting for you to tell me who’s the Premier of China.
– I already did…
etc etc
Shocking the NYT would publish an Op-Ed from an Anti-Arab crazy.
Tomorrow at the NYT: “Daniel Pipes on why the Israelis should nuke Gaza in the name of peace.”
I’m actually a bit of a coward myself. With one difference, however: I………went……..anyway.
So, it wasn’t debilitating. I am actually a fairly major coward and don’t know how I’d respond to a summons to battle. Part of my acknowledging this is that I support peaceful solutions to problems, though I have other reasons for that.
I applaud your courage and self-awareness.
I couldn’t help myself.
http://img181.imageshack.us/img181/6686/rswfshielddz6.jpg
THE HAIR AND MUSTASHE OF JOHN BOLTING ARE DESIGNED TO CONCEAL AT LEAST THREE OF TEH FUCHING FERRETS AT ANY GIVEN TIME. TEH FUCHING FERRETS ACTUALLY CONTROLL HIS SPEACH AND MAKE HIM ADVANCE TEH FERRETIST POSITIEN. HIS STATEMENTS ABOUT IRAN WERE PART OF JOHN MCCANES PLAN TO SEIZE THEIR EYELINER DEPOSITS SINCE CINDY MCCANE TIPICALLY USES SIX TO EIGHT TONS PER WEEK. IN RETURN TEH FUCHING FERRETS WOULD DISPENSE FACE GANAWING AND SHISHKEBAB CONVERSION THROUHGOUT THE MIDDLE EAST. SINCE JOHN MCCANE LOST THE ELECTION TEH FERRETIST CABAL IS IN HIDING AND DESPERTLY COMMUNICATING THROUGH OPED PIECES IN THE VEIN ATTEMPT TO GET PRESIDENT O’BAMBA TO CURB TEH FERRETIST POWAR. TEH FUCHING FERRETS ALWAYS THINK STRATIEGECELLY AND LONG TERM. THEY PLAN ON KEEPING THE GUANTANMERA CAMP IN RANTOUL ILLINOS RUNNING FOR AS LONG AS NEEDED TO AVENGE THEMSELVES FOR BEING STIFFED OUT OF THE 700 BILLION BALEOUT CHECK AND FOR AS LONG AS NEEDED TO MAKE SARA AND TOD PALING INTO HOOD ORNAMENTS. THE RANTOUL ILLINOS PRESS HAS AN EXTENSIVE SIERES OF STORIES BUT FEW READ THEM BECAUSE OF THEIR SMALL DISTRIBUTIEN.
Alec–not kidding. The youth series of the Left Behind books comes with a toolkit of some sort, and this guy’s blogging about it. You apparently can also gamer it up. Damn, I wish I were kidding now that I checked it online……
It almost seems like the Red State Strike Force took the idea from LaHaye’s Tribulation Force, wonder if they’re linked there…but not enough to check….LOL.
“Who is John Bolton, and why should anyone be listening to him?”
He’s slightly worse to listen to than Michael Bolton (probably no relation).
Lonny: try the decaf.
Watched him defending the Iraq Clusterfuck on some BBC show recently, & this is spot-on … like his Great Leader, he’s incapable of making mistakes, the lucky ducky … yet another passive-aggressive AEI pinhead.
Nominating a UN Embassador who despises the UN? Par for the course with BushCo.
Bolton will probably wind up being best known for acting like a toddler with diaper rash at the UN – regularly. The best thing he ever did for his country was resigning in 2006 … & the best thing he could do for it now is STFU.
As always when I see Bolton, I wonder if he’s eating one of those cute little Scrubbing Bubbles or if he has an endorsement deal with SC Johnson.
Biggest understatement of the decade or stupidest fucking “thinking” ever?
It’s so hard to choose.
I suppose it never occurred to Mr. “Let’s take off the top ten stories of the U.N.” Bolton to check with the Egyptians and Jordanians before he published his brilliant plan.
Lonny Martello said,
January 5, 2009 at 19:37
========================
Happy Festivus, Lonny!
I would just like to make it abundantly clear: I am not John Bolton. When I said some time ago that I thought a multi-state solution to the problem was worth investigating, that was not what I meant. (I was referring to the problem of Gaza and the West Bank not being geographically contiguous, and postulating a hypothetical East and West Palestine, for instance. Also, when I brought up Jordan, I was proposing that the Jordanians should by rights cede land to the Palestinians, in accordance with the agreement of 1948, rather than the Jordanians simply taking over Palestine again. This is an is/ought scenario, obviously.)
Unlike John Bolton, I a) actually know some real history, not just the right-wing spin on it, b) am not a batshit-crazy neocon, c) don’t stand to profit in any way from any of this, d) can distinguish hypotheticals from political reality, and e) don’t have a banana made of hair growing on my upper lip.
Also, despite being distinctly postcolonial in outlook, I can actually think outside the empire/colonialism box when warranted, unlike most neocons, who really seem like they’d be happier being English government functionaries in about 1850.
Wow. Just…wow. This from the guys who were only too happy to bypass the Senate’s constitutional authority just a few short years ago. Nope, no hypocrisy here.
These two deserve to stand trial in the Hague right next to Chimpy and Dick, his puppeteer.
Also, two of the most hilariously wrong people this side of Bill Kristol get a guest commentary in the NYT? Oh, wait.
a mustache. Who advocates killing lots of brown people.
Hey, don’t blame me. All I advocate is good-faith negotiations with no preconceptions, mediated by a genuinely honest broker, but the boss pays no attention.
That’s not a man, that’s a Muppet, and I think that we all know whose hand is up his ass.
Until I saw John Bolton, I had not been aware that Professor Cuthbert Calculus had an evil twin.
It appears that the NYT doesn’t allow comments on that Bolton/Yoo op-ed. A pity: I wanted to congratulate the Gray Lady on its allowing valuable space to two fucking war criminals.
And I think, given that WaPo piece, that Pamelot Oshrieking Hellion now owes Bolton all manner of sexual depravity for the next 20 years.
Calling Michelle Malkin a moose … that’s just over the line.
I’ll say this for Bolton and Yoo, they’ve got a fucking nerve.
That’s called a neuron Dr Zen and they really aren’t for sharing.
I thought shorter John Bolton was Yosemite Sam.