Renew America Crapstravaganza!
Alan Keyes has again upped the PCP content in Renew America’s water coolers. Let’s survey the damage.
First, here’s Judie Brown, who’s penned a real beaut about abortion statistics:
Numb numbers
Judie Brown
As a society, we love to count things.
Quite an insight. Counting is truly a key component of our success as a nation. Indeed, what’s held Eastern societies back all these years has been their failure to develop a number system.
In fact, we count almost anything that can be counted.
Number of sentences in this column so far? Two. Relevance these sentences have to the rest of the column? Zero. Number of brain cells I’ve needlessly slain by reading Renew America? Countless.
Whenever there are a lot of things to count, official counters seem to pop up, and shout out to the media whenever they’ve completed a new count ? and it’s always headline news, whether it’s housing starts, unemployment claims, car sales, import/export tonnage … or abortions.
“ONE aborted fetus, uh, uh, uh… TWO aborted fetuses, uh, uh uh…”
Every year, the official abortion counters file their own specialized set of statistics. This year’s numbers were just released, and we are told that the abortion rate is at its lowest point since 1976.
That’s got to be good news, right? Abortion is going down!
Sadly, not quite. According to this graphic from the Washington Post, the abortion rate has been lower than the 1976 rate since the early ’90s:
The total number of abortions is at its lowest since 1976, which is markedly different from the abortion rate.
This is ironic, because Judie’s biography says she’s “president and co-founder of American Life League, the nation’s largest grassroots pro-life educational organization.”
I might be wrong, but I don’t think people should claim to be “educators” if they don’t actually know anything. Judie further shows her ignorance later in the column:
When we get to chemical abortions, which can be caused by any of the most popular forms of birth control including the pill, the morning-after pill or the IUD, a certain finesse comes into play. The abortion advocates long ago decided to simply define the beginning of pregnancy as eight days later than it actually occurs (when the newly-formed human embryo implants in the wall of the mother’s uterus).
These purported experts flatly deny the fact that pregnancy begins when the human being begins at conception/fertilization.
Well, yeah. That’s because pregnancy begins when the zygote is implanted in the uterus. There are plenty of zygotes that naturally don’t make it from the fallopian tubes to the womb. And unless you plan on having funerals for all of them, I don’t think you should be lecturing women on the evils of the morning-after pill. (Though I gotta admit, “Funeral for a Zygote” sounds like a pretty nifty title for a fundie after-school special.)
Our next pundit is one of our all-time favorites. She’s best known for writing long, nonsensical columns after hooking her nose up to one of these thingees:
Write in James Dobson for President . . . in 2008
Kaye Grogan
Of course Hillary Clinton is the favorite Democratic presidential candidate, if you poll groups like NOW, People for the American Way, pro-abortion groups, etc. But if a legitimate poll is taken on the other end of the political arena ? the favorable numbers would plummet like a skydiver with a faulty parachute.
We’re one paragraph into the column, and the only thing Kaye’s established so far is that Republicans are less likely to vote for Hillary Clinton than Democrats are. Like I’ve said before: quite an insight.
Since most of us know that Senator Hillary Clinton is adamantly against allowing herself to appear in a bad light, naturally the polls have to be manipulated or discarded altogether.
A couple of points:
1.) Most people aren’t fond of appearing in a negative light. For instance, I’m sure Kaye’s none too pleased that we portray her as a glue-huffing maniac.
2.) I’m pretty sure Hillary doesn’t care that most Republicans aren’t planning to vote for her, just like George W. Bush doesn’t give a shit that Democrats hate his guts.
So now we’re two paragraphs into the column, and Kaye has yet to make an intelligent point (not that we expect any better). Let’s see if the next paragraph makes more sense, or is at least grammatically competent:
The “tricks of the trade” by pollsters is older than Methuselah.
Not a good start.
One way to address how unreliable polls can be, is to look at the “bogus” polls in the last 2004 presidential election. Exit polls unanimously gave the appearance that Senator John Kerry was comfortably ahead of President Bush, but the polling proved to be considerably flawed when Kerry lost the election.
Well yeah, exit polls are never perfect, because they aren’t representative of the electorate as a wh… oh Christ, why am I bothering to explain this?
According to the group “Hillary Now” she’s the most popular woman in America. Well, shucks . . . what else would you expect her supporters to say? I believe a more appropriate description of Ms. Clinton might be: she’s the most controversial person in America, and not qualified to lead the country.
Let’s think about this for a second: Kaye says that Hillary’s unqualified to be president because she’s too controversial, so she recommends that we vote for James “Sponge Bob is Out to Bugger Your Kids” Dobson instead.
Moving on:
The President of the United States is supposed to have a lot of tact and diplomacy.
Yes, and that’s why presidents always appoint tactful diplomats like John “There is no United Nations” Bolton.
In Hillary Clinton’s case, everything that went wrong during her presidency the blame would be unfairly attached to the right-wing folks or as she refers to them as right-wing fanatics. What kind of loyalty would Ms. Clinton feel she owes to all Americans? A president can’t pick and choose who they will be president to.
It’s amazing. Kaye is literally describing the presidency of George W. Bush to a tee. Gavin, what was it you said about wingnuttery and projection?
The new ad set to air depicting an animated type characterization of Hillary Clinton (looking like a bag lady or maid) picking up garbage cans with issues dealing with the war on Iraq, health issues, etc. written on them and tossing them into a garbage truck (in other words, supposedly cleaning up President Bush’s messes) sounds childish at best.
Right, because the Bush campaign never resorted to childish tactics:
A recent poll (which is questionable) conducted by the Gallop Organization shows that Senator John McCain, and former Mayor of New York Rudy Giuliani are favored above Hillary Clinton or Senator John Kerry to win the presidency. Well, since all three of these possible presidential candidates have major flaws on issues that I hold dear ? I guess I’ll write in James Dobson. At least he focuses on the family.
Buh-dum-bum, *crash!* Thank you, Kaye will be here all week.
While Giuliani appears to be the most popular of the three ? his pro-choice stance is going to alienate the Christian voters causing a “madder” than an ole’ wet hen uprising.
That is one of the most miraculous sentences I’ve ever read. Not only does she mangle the syntax and punctuation, not only does she use “madder” as a noun, but she manages to confuse the slang contraction of the word “old” with a Spanish bull-fighting chant.
Since Kaye can’t possibly write anything funnier than that until next week, let’s move on to our last pundit, Steve Kellmeyer, whose column is a perfect illustration of what happens when you’re uneducated and don’t know anything:
Opposites attract
Steve Kellmeyer
“History doesn’t repeat itself, but it does rhyme,” said Mark Twain, and that certainly seems true today. It has been noted in this column and elsewhere that the Enlightenment’s insistence on setting Reason up as a god was due in no small part to Luther’s insistence that Reason was the whore of the devil. Luther’s “faith alone” theology brought about the “reason alone” backlash that was the Enlightenment.
But, the two did agree on some things. For instance, while Luther and Voltaire fought each other bitterly, they did unite against their common enemy: the Catholic Church.
Gee, I wonder why Luther hated the Catholic Church so much? Maybe because it had become a corrupt, hypocritical dictatorship? Has Steve never heard of the Holy Roman Empire or the Inquisition?
Today, we see a remarkably similar thing taking place. Where Luther insisted on faith alone, Islam insists on rote memorization and constant emulation of the Prophet Mohammed. Where Voltaire insisted on the pre-eminence of Reason, the secular humanists today insist on the pre-eminence of the self. The Marquis de Sade and his modern counterparts have been transformed from lunatics (which is how de Sade was viewed by his contemporaries) to heros.
Uhm, sadly, no. De Sade is still considered a lunatic by modern liberals because, well, he’s a lunatic. In the last section of Philosophy in the Bedroom, de Sade writes approvingly of a daughter who beats, tortures and rapes her own mother. I personally can’t think of any modern liberals, leftists or socialists who find such behavior heroic.
So, where the first titanic struggle was between faith and reason, this second titanic struggle is between slavery and license. And, as in the first struggle, the common enemy is Christianity, especially Catholic Christianity.
Catholic Christianity has uniquely challenged all competing philosophies and theologies to an extent that few commentators seem willing to consider. Take, for example, the simple system of numbering the Ten Commandments. There are three ways to do it: the Hebrew method, the Protestant method and the Catholic method.
“A Catholic method and a Protestant method walk into a bar. They see a Hebrew method sitting in the corner. So the Protestant method says…”
Of the three, only the Catholics separate the coveting of a neighbor’s livestock from the coveting of his wife. That is, only the Catholic ordering recognizes that sins against objects differ fundamentally from sins against persons.
Similarly, Catholicism uniquely moderated other philosophies. Precisely because Judaism spent a millennium under Catholic influence, Jews no longer stone members of their community to death for fornication.
Yeah, we all know how well the Jews did under Medieval Catholicism.
Unfortunately, as non-Catholic Christian theology loses its grip on these Catholic concepts, it has degenerated into secular licentiousness. Our culture has again begun to endorse wife-killing and ritual murder.
In this respect, Terri Schiavo is merely a prominent example of a larger trend in murder-suicides. It has already been noted that most such actions are literally triggered by men who murder their often unwilling wives before turning the gun on themselves. Similarly, embryonic stem cell research and abortion have become ritually endorsed by almost all who seek higher office, despite glaring medical evidence that both involve the murder of children.
OK, I’m not gonna be able to read any more of this without doing myself irreparable psychological harm. But the good news is, I went almost an entire post without mentioning Marie Jon’.
Oh, my god, this statement from Steve Kellmeyer: “The Marquis de Sade and his modern counterparts have been transformed from lunatics (which is how de Sade was viewed by his contemporaries) to heros.” This just killed any vestige of belief I might have that right-wing crazies actually know who we are and what we believe. All they do is make up sh*t to be against and then say we’re for it. I think I’m going to put my fist through my computer screen after hitting “Post.” I can’t stand it.
And he can’t spell “heroes” either.
Given the nature of your comment I think that it would be more appropriate if you forced Steve’s hand through your monitor. We could all enjoy his pain like goood liberal do.
er…like good liberal do.
…liberals do. …..oh, crap just forget it.
?The UN Charter is fundamentally a political, not a legal document. On finances it amounts to little more than an ?agreement to agree.??
? Op-ed in the Los Angeles Times, April 13, 1997
?The UN Charter is fundamentally a political, not a legal document. On finances it amounts to little more than an ?agreement to agree.??
Thus proving the UN doesn’t exist. That’s great reasoning, Kira.
Brad/Gavin/Seb/Jeff, it appears that Kira is starved for your attention and tender ministrations.
Appearance wise she may be hotter than even our Absolutely Sweet Marie but does she have that certain je ne se quois that set Marie apart from all others?
BTW, “je ne se quois” is Finnish for “psychosis.”
GregH, excellent point. And if we could make him wear a British schoolboy outfit (with short-shorts) and make him say, “thank you, sir, may I have another?” while we do it, that would make all our liberal hearts glad. Er, wouldn’t it? Have I creeped anyone out yet?
Brad, this entire post is stolen from Hannity.
…Where did you get the pic of the mixing truck full of rubber cement?!?!
Gavin, yo’ mama’s NUTS are stolen from Hannity.
Oh, and I just image-googled “rubber cement” and found that nifty photo.
Luther and Voltaire fought each other bitterly? What? Did Luther (died 1546) rise from the grave to battle Voltaire (born 1694)???
Creeped out? Au contraire Lucy, I’m slightly aroused by the thought!
Luther and Voltaire fought each other bitterly? What? Did Luther (died 1546) rise from the grave to battle Voltaire (born 1694)???
Yeah, I thought of that too, but I had too much of a headache to mention it. Like I told Lucy, Steve’s a fountain of anti-knowledge.
Oh. Well, in that case, me, too. Only instead of Steve Kellmeyer, try, say, Jude Law?
Gavin, yo’ mama’s NUTS are stolen from Hannity.
Ooo!
See, thass what I’m SAYIN’. You come down the street and everyone be all like, “Look out, here come ol’ Ideal Socialist Utopia.”
An’ of course you know why they call you that, so I need not clarify….
That’s what we’re here for, Brad, to sweep up the stray hairs that your Barbershop Broom of Righteousness missed. 😉
You kids notice that Alan Carnuba left you a present in the comments? Claims that he does wear pants. Yeah right.
Lucy, to each his or her own – as long as I get to watch!
See this is a collaborative art form here, and someone has to say, “Huh? Why you call ol’ Brad ‘Ideal Socialist Utopia?'”
This is in the genre of Fat Albert Jokes, btw.
“Look out, here come ol’ Ideal Socialist Utopia.”
I think you mean “here come the ole’ Ideal Socialist Utopia.”
See this is a collaborative art form here, and someone has to say, “Huh? Why you call ol’ Brad ‘Ideal Socialist Utopia?'”
OK, I’ll bite: why am ole’ I called the Ideal Socialist Utopia?
OK, I’ll bite: why am ole’ I called the Ideal Socialist Utopia?
NO CLASS!
[cue Fat Albert Kids wah-wah theme & looped animation]
See, that wasn’t hard. I actually have several of them stored up from thinking of practically nothing else over the years.
Does she know about the ball? and the danger?
See here GregH:
1) Kira is not hotter. Look at her picture. It’s cut from a photo of her and a date at a dressy event (probably her prom or a sorority function or her sister’s wedding, probably more than a few years ago). If you look closely at her, then examine the airbrushed-80’s masterpiece that is the Marie Jon’ portrait, I think you’ll agree that sweet Marie takes the cake (not that MJ needs airbrushing, but PLEASE MJ, do something about the pictures on your site – some of them look kinda fake).
2) A freelance journalist from DC with a yen for U.N. destruction, and a mild vanity problem simply doesn’t match up with a full-blown, liberal-hating, reality-denying, rapture-seeking, sermon-plagarizing, thong-shilling, self-described “Pretty & Proud” conservative christian internet huckster. Especially not one with MJ’s bloodlines.
Don’t get me wrong, MJ, I don’t hold any of that against you. I find it all to be a MAJOR turn-on.
cc: Marie Jon’
Whoa Nellie! Wha?, I wasn’t dissin your woman. She’s everything you say she is and oh so much more!
Actually, MJ reminds me (appearance-wise down to the pearl earrings) of my first college girlfriend. She was crazy too but in a manically inhibited/uninhibited way that was pretty exciting for the little punk kid I was.
GregH –
I know, I just wanted to write her praises. I went down to the Alan Carnuba-wax thread and asked him where he stood on the issue; I hope he gets back to us soon. He might not be as swayed by thier respective wingnutty-ness factors as we are.
But you have to admit Kira is hot too.
I mean I knew about your intentions with the MJ comments – not your college girlfried.
While I think that Alan Ay Carumba would be a great arbitrator of their relative hotness may I suggest that we excercise our democratic rights and vote? Let’s use the latest PP poll as our proxy voting booth. A “Yes” vote is for Marie and a “No” vote is for Kira. Or vice versa – you choose – no peeking.
Yes, Kira’s hot for a winger, but she also looks to be standard relocated-to-Washington DC-and-am-very-impressed-with-myself fare. Very “country mouse gone to town” or whatever the expression is. Those types are a dime a dozen up there.
A year in DC and even 19-yr old goofball sorority-girl congressional interns start thinking that they’re part of some kind of illuminati. Go to a cocktail party (vapid, in and of themselves) and everyone will tell you about how they’re the most important person in the world. It’s pretty twisted.
You’re right, though. When she gets blitzed (and you know she does) and the panties come flying off (and you know they do), I wouldn’t mind being the guy in the room with her.
Hmm…I don’t know about that poll. Sometimes it seems they studied at the Diebold school of polisci, but what the hey. It’s her site, so yes= Marie Jon’ is hottest.
Ummm….what’s the question they have up. I hope she’s lurking – it would be a shame if she unintentionally threw the poll the wrong way.
Nice!
You peeked! But fair is fair. A “yes” vote at the PP site means that Marie is hottest while a “no” vote means that Kira is the hottest. May the best wingnutette win!
HA! No way she’s going to throw this the wrong way. Check out the question.
New column up, too. Remeber, no double-checking to see if it’s plagarized (I’ve only finished three paragraphs, and I’m pretty sure it’s not).
I didn’t peek before choosing yes – but I did go to vote after choosing yes. So we may have to adopt racial profiling; a small price to pay for this.
No price is too high for love.
Wha?, I see that Alan Caribou has voiced his opinion:
“Kira is definitely hotter. She makes me Ayn Randy, if you know what I mean, and I think that you do!
Posted by Alan Canada at August 5, 2005 02:02 AM”
No Way!
Alan’s cool.
Wrong…but cool.
A FAKE!! Truly, evil, GregH is thy name.
(Goshdarnit! My evil psychops efforts have been uncovered………What would Karl Rove do?…..)
NO IT IS YOU WHA? THAT IS THE FAKER! A fakey McFakerson from Fakesville, Fakesylvania!
People are saying that Wha? is a faker.
Un-named sources from the Kira campaign indicate that Marie’s campaign manager, Wha?, is about to impicated in a faking scandal.
Word on the street is that there has been a serious shake up at Marie’s campaign headquarter due to some scandal related to faking.
Wha? as I am sure to banned soon from the board for excessive commenting, I’ve got say that this line was a classic:
“So we may have to adopt racial profiling; a small price to pay for this.”
Hillary Clinton is ‘avowedly against having herself appear in a bad light’! Imagine that! Most people love that.
You’re right. I’m a 527 soft-money front-organization for Yosef. Damn the GregH liberal media!
Hey yo, according to Site Meter, Marie is totally lurking at this moment….
She’s here? I was wondering if Seb/Jeff could rig a siren/flashing beacon that went off every time she entered the site?
Maybe we she tidy the place up a little, you know, so she feels more comfortable.
Greg- you want me to try to fix you up with her? You’ve obviously got quite the crush.
Precisely because Judaism spent a millennium under Catholic influence, Jews no longer stone members of their community to death for fornication.
Ah, yes, the humane and rational medieval Catholic Church…instead of stoning for fornication, they just burned people alive for saying that the priest really can’t turn wine into the blood of Christ.
Brad, thanks for the offer but I don’t much go in for the intellectual types. Plus I think that Wha? and Yosef called dibs, which is pretty much sacrosanct.
Um, how’s my hair?
As a practicing Jew — I still haven’t got it right — I do have to admit that the only reason I don’t stone fornicators is because of the millennium I spent under Catholic influence. Otherwise, it would be “rocks away” and “Katie bar the door!”
I’ve got it! Kaye Gorgon is the Edith Massey of the Right…And James Dobson is — her “John” Waters!!!
BTW, it appears that Marie Jon’ (blessed be her mane) did indeed plagiarize her “new” column on PurplePotatohead.org — from herself. Apparently, she first wrote it for TheRant.us or some other wingnuttiary. Also, I found it had been fisked here by a guy who clearly needs to add Sadly, No! to his blogroll.
I’ve got it! Kaye Gorgon is the Edith Massey of the Right…And James Dobson is — her “John” Waters!!!
Holy crap, that’s… well, bloody genius. Now, fpr the big question- who’s Divine? (and worse yet, who’s Crackers?)
Dan, as a fornicator I will not tolerate this threat to my personal safety!
W. is Crackers — you can be sure that when he’s not milking stallions he’s fucking chickens.
Divine? There are so many outrageous, filthy, offensive, and morbidly obese white male Republicans. Hmmm. I’ll arbitrarily choose Dennis Hastert (while keeping in mind Rove does do a good “shit-eating” grin).
“Luther and Voltaire fought each other bitterly? What? Did Luther (died 1546) rise from the grave to battle Voltaire (born 1694)???”
What a great idea for Enlightenment Horror Porn: Zombie Luther vs. Voltaire! Sequel: Zombie Luther vs. Voltaire II: Electric Boogaloo! Third film: Zombie Luther & Voltaire vs. the Catholic Church! Trilogies are all the rage these days…
Holy ass. I presume these people write their nuggets on a computer. But I can’t believe they’d have the brain power to figure out how to plug it in, turn it on, and “log on” to the “interweb” as the kids call it.
It’s getting exciting as it appears that Kira is catching up with Marie in the Ms. Blogosphere competition voting Miss Blogosphere 2005
I’m holding out for Zombie Luther vs the Battlin’ Baptizer himself, Zombie John the Baptist!
Holy Smokes! MJ took down her article that she just had up yesterday, and has a new one up now!
Pushing hard to win the talent competition, I guess.
Maybe Zombie Luther & Zombie Voltaire can join cyber-Hannity, cyber-Gord, & cyber-Ollie…
I noticed that pansauce website the other day when I was looking for info about Marie. I wonder who it could be…
I also want to say that I personally spoke with wha? about his involvement in the alleged faking scandal, and he assured me he was in no way involved.
And Marie is hotter in a much classier sort of way.
while Luther and Voltaire fought each other bitterly, they did unite against their common enemy: the Catholic Church.
Ok, someone needs to tell Mr. Kellmeyer that Martin Luther and Voltaire didn’t even live in the same Century, so (at least in this universe) it is not possible for them to “fight each other bitterly” or “unite against the Catholic Church”. In fact, the times and places these two men lived in were very different.
Analyst: Arms Control?
why do i get the feeling that kira’s gone and punched up her resume’? ohhhh, perhaps she meant “specialist: Arms Control”. after all, there’s no better arm control than in one of those little white coats that buckle in the back. a true fashion maven.
BTW, wha?, you’re close. it’s “country come to town”.
For the record, the photo of Kira is quite recent but she is even hotter in real life.
Show me this Marie (fellow wingnut, you say?) you are all hot and horny about..
One thread up, Friend of Kira, one thread up, and all will be revealed
the threads are hilarious – equally so for all the false assumptions made about kira – she has about as much “country” in her as ….. the number of W votes in DC….nothin’…
politicalpeople.org – “we pray and get political things done” – you serious???
Yes, Kira seems to be a fine example of refined modern womanhood. I wrote that as an enraged foil against her encroachment against Marie Jon”s (nobody can figure out how to possesive-ize her name, since she spells it with the accent mark) exhaulted status.
Kira is wonderful; unfortunately, despite GregH’s best efforts, MJ woke up and threw her own poll in her favor (that’s one of the things we love about her). Kira may be koolist, but Marie Jon’ is, without a doubt, the kool-aidiest.
And yes, I think she is serious.
Never did get the answer to the PeePo thong question, though.
How about Kira – does she encourage thong-use?Does she wear a thong herself? If so, would she consider marketing thongs from her site? Enquiring minds want to know.
Friend of Kira – word to the wise – flee while you still can.
Silence GregH/infidel! Kira, Marie Jon’…somebody besides Brad R. is going to let me in on thier thong-wearing habit, dammit!
(Dude there’s pictures of Seb/Jeff in his thong a few posts down)
BTW, I find your desire to see a thong-wearing hobbit rather perverse. You know that hobbits are fictional don’t you?
Oh, no, no, no! Denny’s way too quiet to play the part of Devine in this off-Broadway production. It is a tough call, though. Rush or Jonah? Rush or Jonah? Hmm….
The Chimp does make a fine Crackers, gotta admit.
John Kerry Outed Undercover CIA Agent
NewsMax – Sen. John Kerry, who called for Karl Rove to be fired over allegations that he revealed the identity of CIA employee Valerie Plame, outed a genuine undercover CIA agent just this past April – even after the agency asked that his identity be kept secret. Kerry blew the cover of CIA secret operative Fulton Armstrong during confirmation hearings for U.N. ambassador nominee John Bolton. Questioning Bolton, Kerry asked: “Did Otto Reich share his belief that Fulton Armstrong should be removed for his position?” – according to a transcript excerpted by the New York Times. “The answer is yes,” the top Democrat continued. In his response to Kerry, Mr. Bolton did his best to maintain the agent’s confidentiality, reverting to Armstrong’s pseudonym. “As I said,” he told Kerry, “I had lost confidence in Mr. Smith, and I conveyed that.”
Bob-
What is this? Are you the new friend of Kira? If so what does this have to do with her thong, the Bible, or the Finnish language?
Hobbits are fictional? You’re telling me that guy that gives me my sponge-baths is just your average midget?
Wha, that’s just classless!
As a Catholic, nothing pisses my off more than a know-nothing asshat spouting off about Church teaching.
Regarding the “numbering” of the Ten Commandments, The Catechism of the Catholic Church says:
“The division and numbering of the Commandments have varied in the course of history. The present catechism follows the division of the Commandments established by St. Augustine, which has become traditional in the Catholic Church. It is also that of the Lutheran confessions. The Greek Fathers worked out a slightly different division, which is found in the Orthodox Churches and Reformed communities.” CCC Para. 2066 (http://www.usccb.org/catechism/text/pt3sect2.htm)
Shithead.
Reading Steve Kellmeyer Makes My Brain Suicidal
This Steve Kellmeyer essay is so mindnumbingly idiotic that reading it temporarily impaired my ability to speak English. Seriously, I tried to tell my roommate about how awful it was, but the only words that came out of my mouth…