Good thing I didn’t tell him about the dirty knife
Nix draws our attention to this huge wave of stupid:
A private investigator in Hawaii has uncovered the divorce decree for Barack Obama’s father and mother, which indicates they had “one child under the age of eighteen, born in Kenya.”
While the (first) punchline isn’t quite at the level of the one referenced above, it’s damn close:
Hale does admit to incomplete certainty of his investigator’s work until he receives it, partially due to the PI’s accent, the telephone connection, and his slight hearing impediment.
Awesome. And in time for the new year, the post was updated today:
In his 7:45pm Plains Radio broadcast, this last night, Ed Hale backed down from his prior assertion of having gained even uncertain information about the Barack Sr. / Stanley Ann divorce decree containing language referring to Barack Jr. as being born in Kenya. Instead, Hale referred to an apparently tricky recollection… of an indeterminate person… referring to such a document’s generally referring to the place of birth of the children of the divorced parents. That is not what I heard from Mr. Hale on the 31st.
Seems like there are a lot of accents and hearing impediments going around these days.
Eh! What’s that ye say? Barack Obama was born in Kenya??
No! I said, the slack pajamas were torn on a fender!
Whoo-ee! Do you have proof that Barack Obama was born in Kenya, any documents?
I’M NOT TALKING ABOUT OBAMA!
What’s that about his mamma?
etc.
Final answer: Colonel Mustard in the parlor with a candlestick?
Just to save time, how about we pretend that all the witty and cogent responses to this post have already been made, so I can start ranting about ‘herring impediments’?
In this architectural detail from the US Capitol, note the boy catching the fish at the extreme left.
It is in fact a herring in pediment.
Speaking of accents when is API going to get us those tapes? Speaking of assholes when is Larry Johnson going to get us those whitey tapes?
Man, I wish our side would give it a rest already.
He’s the President, get over it.
Meanwhile, proggies everywhere have a new hero: James Chester Blanning!!
http://www.rockymountainnews.com/news/2009/jan/01/suspect-dead-aspen-bomb-threats-last-will-sent-tim/
Seems like there are a lot of accents and hearing impediments going around these days.
Nah, just the normal wingnut cognitive impediment which prohibits them from comprehending anything which contradicts their Bizzaro Worldview.
Damn, it’s like the old wallet-on-a-string trick.
The same rubes fall for it every time.
‘Cause, y’know, sure, the last thirty one times it’s been false, but that doesn’t mean that THIS time won’t be different!
Hee hee…
mikey
so I can start ranting about ‘herring impediments’?
There is something fishy about that statement.
From the U.S. Code, TITLE 8 > CHAPTER 12 > SUBCHAPTER III > Part I > § 1401
The following shall be nationals and citizens of the United States at birth:
(g) a person born outside the geographical limits of the United States and its outlying possessions of parents one of whom is an alien, and the other a citizen of the United States…
I’m not very good with legal jargon, but doesn’t this seem to settle the matter?
And now it’s time for another exciting episode of Emily Litella, Hawaiian Private Investigator.
accents and hearing impediments
For instance, “Minne Khlaetsch, an astrologer of the Hamburg School, who was, congenitally it seems, unable to pronounce, even perceive, umlauts over vowels.”
Um, did the accent sound at all Nigerian, and was there mention of a large sum of money that could be yours if you just gave him a little help using your bank account?
In 2010, we really have try to force every Republican candidate in the nation from dogcatcher to Senator to produce a ‘vault copy’ of their birth certificates.
Should make it a tradition…
Maybe that’s why he’s always talking about change! He comes from an imporverished country and they just don’t have folding money!
Thick accent? Could that be Mr. Korir?
owlbear1, I think I love you.
would ed hale happen to look or sound anything like this?
You savvy tok, boi?
Herring impedimentia can lead people into mishearing “fish and chips”. I’m just sayin’
Sadly, no.
“an apparently tricky recollection… of an indeterminate person… referring to such a document’s generally referring to the place of birth of the children of the divorced parents.”
Good to see the investigation is on solid ground.
When you go to the Hawaii 5- Oh fcuk! site, why is there a bloke on a bicycle? Is this so people can say that thing about “…and the bike you rode on” ?
I’m not very good with legal jargon, but doesn’t this seem to settle the matter?
This was the subject of many many posts at Salon a couple of weeks ago. Two or three non-believers (or rather true believers that Obama is NOT ELIGIBLE) went on for days, wearing out several posters who tried to make exactly that point.
It. Did. Not. Work.
‘herring impediments’?
Cod help us.
It would be so easy to plant more ludicrous stories with these idiots. Personally, I think Batboy is underutilized as an urban myth.
Bat Boy is Obama’s illegitimate brother! Bat Boy testifies his brother was born in Kenya! Bat Boy’s illicit yearning for Michelle!
It could work.
Watch for this fiction about the divorce papers to be repeated as gospel. I’m sure someone is already preparing the court case.
Can’t salmon stop them?
Heh.
What’s all this about herring in Piedmont?
More like herring in whine sauce.
No… I’m still not getting anything… Er, could you try it in a higher register?
There is something heart-wringingly poignant about the sight of one person still clinging to this lost cause, when more pragmatic bloggers have long since abandoned it. ‘Tis the last roes of summer.
hey, I have a herring impediment! It gives me haddocks.
What batshit crazy idea will these guys trout out next?
Heh, heh
I knew all along this story smelt.
I’ll just sit here on my lofty perch and watch the punsters filet themselves.
Happy New Year, everyone.
It’s all quite understandable. The mustache sometimes makes it little hard to understand him. Plus the rocking music. Sometimes it’s hard to hear what he’s saying because it is so rocking and you just feel the need to crank it up.
Were George Washington’s parents US citizens?
What fuckwits.
this whole birth certificate thing makes the Truthers, in comparison, look like rational people with a credible theory. Jebus but this whole Kenyan birth thing is the stoopidest conspiracy/cover-up theory of all time.
A private investigator in Hawaii
Is that Thomas Magnum PI?
They’ll get over it. Time eels all wounds.
Nope, ‘cos if you tilt your head to the left, squint and hold your breath for 45 seconds while you wank like a lonely bonobo, it becomes obvious that this isn’t the vault copy of the U.SC.
Candy, has the conspiracy gotten to you too? Don’t you realize that THEY have watched Obama from his “birth” from two Marxist Witches in Kenya, transported his illegal immigrant self to America, instructed him in the art of ineligibleness with the help of Bill Ayers and Louis Farrakhan, watched over him for 47 years knowing that one day he would steal the primaries from Hillary and then the general election from Sarah Palin to become president. They even suppressed the idea of Natural Born Citizen from the days of Chester A. Arthur onward, knowing that one day there would exist a child that would allow their plans to come to fruition. What are these plans you might ask? Why would someone go to so much trouble for so many years to put someone
we clearly don’t likewho is clearly ineligible on the throne of the Whited House?I don’t have any clue whatsoever.
Ono! Too many fish puns. It’s a mackerel I haven’t snappered.
I have a question for SadlyNauts that is unrelated to the above blogpost. I pose it to you because you are more frequently exposed to the feeble mind of Marie Jon than I am, and it may very well be that I have read a recent column by her incorrectly:
http://www.renewamerica.us/column/jon/081231
Am I imagining things, or…did she just say that anyone who teaches children that homosexuals exist shoulbe killed?
Sorry. Linky thing wrong. Will try to find correct one.
His Grace,
Well, because Obama is the Antichrist and he needs to become president to… ummmm…. errr…. use FEMA to tag everyone with the mark of the beast?
Damn, even that doesn’t help it make sense.
trying again (and apologizing again for posting in this thread. but as kooky as she is, this is kinda disturbing.)
http://www.renewamerica.us/columns/jon/081231
Am I imagining things, or…did she just say that anyone who teaches children that homosexuals exist should be killed?
Pretty much. I also enjoyed this passage:
Attempting to alter a child’s sexual identity is beyond despicable and reprehensible.
That must be why they wait until gay people are into adulthood before they try to “cure them”.
Damn, even that doesn’t help it make sense.
RyRy Cooter, did you know that many of my fellow employees are from Endor?
Am I imagining things, or…did she just say that anyone who teaches children that homosexuals exist shoulbe killed?
Yeah, that’s pretty much how I read it, Bill. The lack of self-awareness on display in that screed is really stunning. I mean, she writes shit like this:
After plugging an “ex-gay” ministry and a ‘program’ devoted to abusing teh gay out of kids.
It’s almost like she thinks homosexuality is a cult or something like, I dunno, Christianity. Don’t tell her about IVF or her head might explode.
I think the real kicker is her collection of links. Just mouse over a few for some laughs. I think my favorite might be “In Canada, teaching the Word about homosexuality is a crime and considered hate speech,” which links to a Google search of “In Canada, just teaching the Word about homosexuality is a crime and considered hate speech.”
did you know that many of my fellow employees are from Endor?
Then obviously they aren’t Wookies.
Wingnuts are sure he’d be scrod if he had to produce the vault certificate.
As much as I hate pun contests, this one remains a favorite of mine:
http://www.flickr.com/photos/ulrichp/1362599/
Since
homosexualspriests are unable to procreate, they will increase their population by tampering with children’s minds.Fixated.
The fact is, conservatives like Marie Jon’ run rings around you liberals with her fact based logic not biased by emotion or hate for USA or bias toward the left wing. She sites her sources, unlike liberals who make things up and call it reality, which is all they do with their stranglehold on public education and the media.
The fact is, Obama will soon be exposed as not really American, with irrefuteble proof that he is faking his citizenship and is a marxist plant to make USA into socialism.
Obama is a foreigner. I rewatched some of the Terri Schiavo videos and that is the message she was blinking in morse code.
Case closed.
-GSD
All this secret information in locked in a vault…
and the password is…
Swordfish.
Hey Gary! I got your Marxist plants right here!
Also, FYWP, but in Cyrillic.
Is this the Elucidated Brethren of the Ebon Night?
Gary, come on, make an effort to tie in EVERY talking point. Didn’t Larry Sinclair prove beyond a shadow of a doubt that Obama himself was gay? Didn’t Obama seduce his own child molesters? Please if you are going to keep at this troll thing you’re gonna have to mess up on these obvious tie-ins. At least mention that he could be Malcolm X’s love child. That has nothing to do with anything but really neither do any of the allegations.
“Send reinforcements, we’re going to advance.”
“Send three and sixpence, we’re going to a dance?”
I love how Sadly Naughts hammerhead the wingnuts with a unique brand of sharky humor.
He’s Malcolm X’s love child, born of Ann Dunham, and since they’re both American citizens, it’s quite obvious that he is not a citizen.
Um, right?
They keep on whiting out all of the logical proof, floundering around for these little crumbs of crap. They better watch it, or their credibility will go straight up the pike.
I see that S,N! continues to scale new heights. It’s no wunder I’m hooked.
Right, g!
In other news, Born to Lose.
Furthermore, Louie Louie.
G you forgot that Obama moved to Indonesia and was adopted by Lolo Soetoro , which makes him (even though he was Malcolm X’s secret secret-Muslim love child) also ineligible because natural born citizenship can be cancelled in this way despite a complete lack of court cases or common law basis.
See it’s the circle of ineligibility. He was born in Kenya. Even if he’s not, he’s ineligible because his father had British and Kenyan citizenship. Even if he’s not, he’s ineligible because he was adopted by an Indonesian. Even if that’s not the case he was born in Kenya. And so forth.
No, actually. Per Wikipedia, that’s only been true since 1986. Before that, both parents had to be US citizens.
It’s irrelevant though, since the “vault copy” in Hawaii has been independently examined anyway. To any non-crazy person, that should settle it.
There’s not a shadow of a trout in my mind that the wingnuts are looking for Jesus at the bottom of a whiskey bottle.
For fuck’s sake, leave us the god-damned hell alone, you fucking lunatics!! What the Dick Cheney-fucking Hell did we ever do to you?!?
Seriously – fuck off!!!
I’m talking to you, Daragh, Polarik and “Dr” whateverthefuckyournameis Taitz.
(Kenya is a beautiful country, with many wonderful and friendly people. Now, go away!)
To any non-crazy person, that should settle it.
Shorter Gary Ruppert:
The turtle holding up the earth says shut up, that’s why.
…I’m distressed that there’s been no mention of Mongo
Mongo only prawn in game of life?
Take me to the river.
What?
(no, not THAT Mongo!!)
Drop me in the water.
Five minutes in the penalty box for Mr. Bass.
There’s a reason it’s called a MANDATORY youtube
This is a scheme so transparent that is must’ve been dreamed up by someone with the mental capacity of Jerry’s Squids.
(knight appears, beats commenter with rubber chicken)
I don’t know why I love you like I do.
But maybe it’s just for the halibut.
C’mon. Fess up. Who here has the account in the Caymans that all the wingnut desperate hope/delusional fear dollars are getting funneled into by the phoney Chief Editor?
Is it a coincidence that the Giant Gay Hamsters are looking suspiciously well-fed these days?
good night and have a very happy new year, all you wonderful gills and buoys!!
Eat us up, yum!
The porpoiseful life tells us: don’t get crabby about life’s setbacks. It’s a rod for your own back. If the net result of a day’s endeavour is shrimply to little to be of use, it’s a new day tomorrow. Coral your fears and anxieties, don’t let them mussel in on your life. You have to keep fighting, use a 1′ x 6′ board of wood. Phytoplankt on.
*collapses due to pun levels exceeding UN guideline*
All this time I was looking for whisky in the bottom of a Jesus bottle.
Fearing AIDS would help you, gays!
…I mean…
Hearing aids would help you, guys!
Particularly nasty weather!
They do say that north ‘o the Bombays been getting some rain. ARRRH batten down the ‘atches!
batten down the ‘atches!
Maliciously or otherwise, AK has managed to miss the point of the
arse-with-a-feathernasty-weather joke, so I shall tell it again, this time in a more roguish voice.73!
This is so bathetic!
In this architectural detail from the US Capitol, note the boy catching the fish at the extreme left.
It is in fact a herring in pediment.
Forget the puns, that’s some da Vinci Code level shit going on…
Alan Dershowitz, celebrity whore and war crimes cheerleader.
73!
You never could tell that joke right
… and it’s 37, by the way.
I’m not sure I understand the porpoise of all this punning. It seems to star fish and other sea life but the urchin sea has dwindled some. And… oh look, now you’ve done it. My hovercraft is full of eels. Bastards.
In all seriousness (so to speak): Arlen Williams and his commenters make Pammy Atlas Jugs look coherent and hyper-rational. And that ain’t easy.
“I could wile away the hours
Conferrin’ with the flowers
Consultin’ with the rain
And my head I’d be scratchin’
While my thoughts were busy hatchin’
If I only had a bream”
If I said you had a beautiful body, would you hold it against me? I…I am no longer infected.
The
straw manscarecrow song needs some kind of ‘bream’ / ‘dream’ rhyme.It also works surprisingly well when sung to the tune of ‘The Ballad of Lucy Jordan’.
Ah ha it was a joke on T’other level. Not for the loikes ‘o me arrrh.
Is this bass really strong enough?
“What did he say?”
“The sheriff is near!”
Btw, this is a pretty crappy thread.
A blog that descends to fish puns has lost its sole.
Typical country weather.
No way I’m wading into this one.
FINIS
A blog that descends to fish puns has lost its sole.
Don’t worry, Zarquon, I’m sure it’s a one-time thing, never happen again.
Obviously just a fluke.
P.S. WordPress please die in a fire kthnx
Chose ‘im out of thousands… Didn’t like the others; they were all too flat.
Why do I always post within 2 or 3 posts of someone saying this thread has gone to hell? It’s affecting my self-assurance.
The straw man scarecrow song needs some kind of ‘bream’ / ‘dream’ rhyme.
No, it doesn’t.
As Tom Lehrer said “And it don’t even gotta rhyme”
When you guys get like this I just tuna you out.
Sorry, I meant to say that it was bethnitic.
Y’know, I think I’m developing a little hearing impediment myself. Even though I knew the mainstream media had to be talking about something important on the election, all I kept hearing was Joe the Plumber this and Bill Ayers that. The fuck’s that about, huh?
Neon Ovenlight –
You say that as if Joe the Plumber and Bill Ayers and Jeremiah Wright are not THE SINGLE (sic) GREATEST THREAT TO AMERICA SINCE THE DAWN OF TIME!!!2!
Next you’ll be saying that Clinton getting a hummer was not The Closest The Republic Has Ever Come To Total Collapse.
I mean, really – did you just get out of the asylum?? You’re scaring me.
RE:
Susan of Texas said,
January 2, 2009 at 1:03
It would be so easy to plant more ludicrous stories with these idiots. Personally, I think Batboy is underutilized as an urban myth.
Bat Boy is Obama’s illegitimate brother! Bat Boy testifies his brother was born in Kenya! Bat Boy’s illicit yearning for Michelle!
It could work.
Now, Susan, you really need to catch up on your Weekly World News.
http://www.weeklyworldnews.com/politics/election-08/obatma/
This story is old !
Hey mang, I’m just getting used to my new disability. ‘Cause when I read closed captions of Ken Starr saying ‘Clinton should be impeached for blowjobs,’ all I hear is him bitching about Whitewater and Vince Foster. Also, when I play the tape backwards, Ken Starr crawls back in the hole that spawned him. I like that part. I dunno about that asylum part; the lady in the white dress and the funny jellybeans tells me I’m staying at grandma’s house, but all these old people can’t all be grandma. I could be wrong.
‘herring impediments’?
Ranch fencing? Ranch dressing? Cross-dressing?
OHMYGOD, crossdressing herring! This proves Barack Obama was born in Kenya!
This has been another episode of “Wingnut Logic”, bought to you by Looseners Castor Oil Flakes.
Also, when I play the tape backwards, Ken Starr crawls back in the hole that spawned him.
See, there’s your problem: when I play my tape backwards, the audio portion is, quite clearly, “Paul is dead”.
Either that, or it’s Michelle Obama talking about Whitey.