Shorter Brent Bozell

planet_of_the_bozell.jpg

Sweet on Caroline

  • A family name is no qualification for elective office unless that name is Bush.

‘Shorter’ concept created by Daniel Davies and perfected by Elton Beard. We are aware of all Internet traditions.™


 

Comments: 37

 
 
 

Bozell n An aggregation of the essential particles of stupidity (the bozons) creating a massive singularity of dense proportions. The Bozell has only been created once, in a lab, and it destroyed an entire country for eight years.

 
 

Actually, investigative reporter Bozell uncovers the real story, which is how the M$M hated the heroic Sarah Palin because of her retarded baby:

McCain aide Mike DuHaime attempted to tout Palin’s “incredible life story” when she was first picked, but ABC anchor Bill Weir told him that in the “brutality of a national campaign,” Palin was neglecting her duties as a mother: “She has an infant with special needs. Will that affect her campaigning?” This is the same Bill Weir who found the first whispers of Caroline Kennedy for Senate “exciting to talk about.”

Clearly if only she had aborted the Down syndrome kid, the librul medja would have remained in love with the brilliant and analytical Commander in Chief of Alaska’s National Ultra Defense Anti-Russian Space Guards.

 
 

>unless that name is Bush.

Or Zaius!

 
 

Oh, Jeez. What the fuck. Fucking mean spirited motherfucker. I don’t particularly give a shit about Caroline Kennedy one way or another, but what a nasty, personal piece of shit this column is. It’s tit-for-tat crap.

Kennedy’s a lawyer and has served on several major policy boards. that’s pretty much the background of almost every damn senator in Washington. I wouldn’t say Palin was unqualified to be senator (altho I sure as hell would oppose her) – senator is a lot different than potential president.

Caroline may say “you know” alot, but at least she can string subject verb and object together to make a coherent sentence. Unlike Palin.

 
 

I love how he decides to attack Kennedy’s fitness for the Senate because of her name… while simultaneously having based his entire career on being Brent Bozell III.

What a wankbag.

 
 

You must admit though, it takes a certain special something to be able to make a career out of impersonating Walter Peck from Ghostbusters.

Yes its true, that man has no dick.

 
Xecklothxayyquou Gilchrist
 

A family name is no qualification for elective office unless that name is Bush.

It must be frustrating trying to promote lizard-brain tribalism using Enlightenment media (i.e. those which assume literacy and stuff). And annoying as hell to us when it actually works – although I’m not convinced the wingnut welfare providers are getting their money’s worth.

Good for us in that it provides some entertaining dumbness to make fun of. Seriously, for the last seven years the Republican strategy has been nothing more than asserting WE WIN 4EVAR! Everything else in their behavior has followed from this or the cognitive dissonance rooted in the fact that it’s not true.

I can’t wait to see the fresh wave of meltdowns that will happen on Inauguration day, as long as it remains nonviolent.

 
 

I’m surprised Sadly, No! doesn’t take a bucket to the Bozell well more often than it does. I look forward to picking apart Bozo’s news and entertainment columns every week. Each one is a cornucopia of warped logic, bat-shit paranoia, cynical hypocrisy, rampant self-contradiction, and obtuse assertions that make less sense each time you read them, all glazed with a frothing rage and peppered heavily with scare quotes. Art is never art in the Bozo-verse; it is only “art.” If nothing else, his glorified blog rants are a fascinating window into a joyless, deeply unhinged and exceedingly narrow mind.

Admittedly, Bozo’s shallow bag of tricks make his news columns rather repetitive reads (though the sound of him grinding his teeth over the Obama victory these past few months has been sweet music indeed). But the entertainment column, where Bozo’s true obsessions lie, treats you to flavors of nonsense you won’t find anywhere else on the Internet.

But then again, how do you parody someone who opened a recent column with this line?

[quote]Sean Hannity marks 2008 as the year journalism died.[/quote]

 
 

I actually loved the piece because it was real, old school hatred and bile, relying on the right’s shared loathing for anyone slightly to the left of Goebbels instead of a cogent argument to make its murky point.

Vintage wingnut, baby.

Also, you have to love that Coulter is hawking her books through the use of pop-over Ads. If she was any more irritating I’d be pulling pearls out of my butt.

 
 

Ahh, Bozo. What a nice pencil-dicked jackoff to end the year with.

Never mind if the Republican half of the country feels sickened by the obsession.

O RLY? Seems to me that Republicans are always hemmin’ and hawin’ about how they wish Democrats were the old school interventionists of the JFK-LBJ years.

The very same media which spent months dismissing former mayor and Gov. Sarah Palin as too inexperienced for national office is now championing a woman whose primary qualification — her only qualification — is her last name.

Oh mercy. Is this what we’re going to deal with for the next four? B-b-b-b-but you guys hated Palin?

I question Caroline Kennedy’s resume, I guess, but it still takes a big steaming load all over Palin’s…which consisted of being a community college nomad, a beauty queen, a local news babe, an incompetent mayor, a corrupt governor, and a shitty mother.

The very same media which still mock Palin’s folksy “you betcha” or her interview with Katie Couric don’t seem to notice when John Fund reports that in one 30-minute interview on the cable news channel New York One, Caroline Kennedy used the slang “you know” a total of 168 times.

If you can’t tell the difference between a verbal tic and the retardation that went into Palin’s bailout answer in the Couric interview, you really need to fuck right off.

There’s a long line of New York politicians who are more qualified and more deserving of a Senate seat than this dippy heiress — even liberal ones. Yet they have to watch this wannabe sound like one of her limo drivers just handed her the dismaying news of her own voting history? You know?

Fuck off, you bitter crybaby. Also, dippy heiress? That’s a nice slur, Bozo III.

 
 

Well God™ knows I haven’t paid that much attention to Caroline’s bid for the Senate but what I have seen on the news has not been kind to Ms. Kennedy.

Maybe he’s watching the super-seekrit Ultra-Liberal MSM news that I can’t ever find on the Teevee.

 
 

Wait till 2012 when Jeb Bush is a front runner for the President’s chair. That recent shoe throwing episode in Eye-rack must be avenged! Of course, he’s got the resume of getting things done, like, the 2000 election. He and Katherine Harris would make a nice redux one-two slate, doncha think?

 
 

I assume the Bozell particle came out of this lab, along with its partner particle, the Bozo?

 
 

Never mind if the Republican half of the country feels sickened by the obsession.

There IS NO Republican half of the country, Bozo III. There is a Republican third (I’m being charitable here, I believe GOP registration is about 30% nationally, and rapidly heading toward Teh Crazification Factor of 27%, IMO) of the country, mostly located in the South, so WTF do they care about NY’s Senate seat? I live right next door in Connecticut, and I don’t care about it.

I am not impressed by Kennedy’s resume, and there are much better candidates including her own Congressperson, but Kennedy can’t possibly be a worse Senator than Joe fucking Lieberman.

 
 

The remaining neocon jerkoffs are petrified that, on top of an all-new Dem (and BLACK!!1!!) president and Congressional majority, the Kennedy name shall also rise again. And this time a FEMALE!!!!!!!!!! OMG!!! We’re melting, melting…

Not to mention, name-worship? Like, oh I dunno, Ronnie Ray-gun, for example? Stupid fucktards.

As a geezer-American, I find these anti-Kennedy jackoffs especially odious. Little Caroline and John-John with their mother at their daddy’s funeral for the whole world to see for crying out loud. Beautiful gracious Jackie. JFK himself, who stared down the Rooskies in the missle crisis. Bobby gone five years later. Yeah, this Bozo guy can tongue-jack it.

And there’s a REASON JFK had a “short list of accomplishments,” you insipid useless jackass. Being assassinated before your administration is even three years old tends to do that. Fucking creepazoid.

 
 

Bago,

Absolutety! It’s faith-based science at it’s best!

 
 

Here’s my favorite Bozellian quote ever.

“…his list of presidential accomplishments was short.”

Gee, Brent. I wonder why JFK’s list of accomplishments was short? Mmm…

Fucking stupid asshole.

 
 

Gee, Brent. I wonder why JFK’s list of accomplishments was short? Mmm…

And even after spotting five years, JFK accomplished more than the Commanderguy-in-Chef we have now.

 
 

I love how he decides to attack Kennedy’s fitness for the Senate because of her name… while simultaneously having based his entire career on being Brent Bozell III.

Not true!! He’s based his entire “career” (& financial well-being, heh-heh) on being married to one of W. F. Buckley’s sisters.

 
The Goddamn Batman Went Back In Time To Save JFK, But He Didn't See The Joker On The Grassy Knoll
 

It’s so sad, these homely little wingnuts who are trying to score a tug-job off of Bible Spice by yammering on about how the Columbia Law School grad and published author is so much less qualified than she is for public office. Someone should warn them about the complications of untreated priaprism… nah, it’s probably way too late for some of them.

 
The Goddamn Batman Is Relentlessly Hard On Himself (Hurr Hurr)
 

Priapism.

 
Xecklothxayyquou Gilchrist
 

Priapism.

Priaprism is when it’s as hard as quartz (between 7 and 8 on the Mohs scale).

 
 

Kennedy’s a lawyer and has served on several major policy boards.

Seems to me that makes her more qualified than Arnold Schwarzenegger to hold office.

Seriously, what is the big friggin’ deal?

 
 

I’m a Democrat, I have no ire against Caroline Kennedy, but it sickens me to see the fawning over her and the presumption that all she has to do is ask and *poof* she’s a senator.

 
 

I’m surprised Sadly, No! doesn’t take a bucket to the Bozell well more often than it does. I look forward to picking apart Bozo’s news and entertainment columns every week. Each one is a cornucopia of warped logic, bat-shit paranoia, cynical hypocrisy, rampant self-contradiction, and obtuse assertions that make less sense each time you read them, all glazed with a frothing rage and peppered heavily with scare quotes.

Bozo captured his essence perfectly in a recent appearance on Hannity’s shitty radio show, where he decried the oh-so-imminent Fairness Doctrine by bitching about how hard it would be for government to keep tabs on every TV network. This coming from a guy who wants Uncle Sam to be up at 4 every morning, making sure no nipples are showing on anyone.

 
 

Experience is a huge issue — unless a Kennedy is running. Motherhood isn’t a qualification for office — unless a Kennedy is running. Smarts are important — unless a Kennedy is running.

Yeah, I’m imagining Palinator trying to get a law-degree – & not from some jack-shit mail-order “college” either – let alone writing a book that doesn’t come with a set of pencil-crayons. But just look at what a great job she did as mayor of Methsilla – or how adept she was at getting Alaska more DC pork! Mmm, & with a little help from her BFFs in the oil lobby, that “Palin Pipeline” looks like it’ll easily dwarf Teh Bridge To Nowhere in terms of both cost & uselessness, which means even more under-the-table tax-free baksheesh for “Alaska’s First Family” – maybe even ANOTHER house “on the house” also, you betcha!

Boy, those neocons really love to get their hate on for those Kennedys, huh? Pretty odd considering that JFK was such a staunch anti-communist & foreign-policy hawk … gosh, it’s almost as if they were basing their wrath on nothing more than which party he ran under.

If a microcephalic Payola Princess like Palin can toy with running for the Senate, then Ms. Kennedy has every right to give it a shot.

(in before Herr Trout’s inevitable “neener neener neener, Chappaquiddick” one-handed-typing exercise)

 
 

(in before Herr Trout’s inevitable “neener neener neener, Chappaquiddick” one-handed-typing exercise)

I was thinking about that this morning; it would be a pity for dudes like Bozell if Caroline Kennedy wasn’t chosen; they wouldn’t be able to whip out Chappaquiddick for cheap laffs-a-plenty while hobnobbing at the National Review Cruise.

 
 

I don’t know much about Caroline Kennedy, but if you look at some of the idiots already in the Senate (Inhofe et al.) she would probably raise the collective IQ.

 
Leon Trotsky, Exile-in-Mexico
 

Everyone knows the real reason they’re afraid of a Kennedy is because the Pope will send his Vatican-lazor beams to perform a coup on the nation’s proud, nativist Protestant heritage and turn us into North Mexico!

Seriously, these are still the motherfuckers that freaked out over JFK being Catholic, expecting them to have any genuine reasons to dislike a Kennedy is flagrant stupidity.

 
 

Oh, this is just priceless:

Never mind that she admitted doing drugs in the 1970s “like a typical member of that generation.”

Nepotism and drug abuse nope, no sir, doesn’t remind me of nobody NO-how, doop dee doop dee doo….

 
 

I’m a Democrat, I have no ire against Caroline Kennedy, but it sickens me to see the fawning over her and the presumption that all she has to do is ask and *poof* she’s a senator.

I was opposed to her being appointed until I read this article by Al Giordano and now I’m just about convinced that Paterson should choose her. Whether people fawn over her is not as relevant as what she might be able to accomplish as a senator. And not just for NYS. Even if she doesn’t prove as capable of using her inherited political capital to push a progressive agenda as Giordano thinks she’ll be, I still think she’ll vote the right way almost all the time and won’t have any problem defeating whatever stooge the NY Republicans nominate in 2010. That’s as much as I think as we can hope for from any other contender so I don’t think there’s that much to lose by having her in the job and there may be lots to gain.

 
Xecklothxayyquou Gilchrist
 

Nepotism and drug abuse nope, no sir, doesn’t remind me of nobody NO-how…

Did Dumbya ever admit to his drug abuse? Maybe that’s the difference.

 
 

I can’t really take a stance here about Caroline, mostly because I’m so deep in her pocket, I can sell lint.

She’d make a great Senator, is all I’m going to say.

 
 

a community college nomad

Hey, as a community college nomad, I am offended at the implication that I have anything in common with Caribou Barbie. I suppose I am forced to grudgingly admit, on the basis of evidence, that I share some large fraction of DNA with her, but that’s as far as I’ll go. And, in my defense, I would never let anyone put me in charge of the country.

As for the whole qualifications thing, well, Kennedy can apparently pass a Turing test, demonstrating that she is actually sentient, which is a lot more than Bible Spice (h/t TGBWBITTJFKBHDSTJOTGK) could ever claim.

 
 

Once upon a time I read the first chapter of “BoBos in Paradise”, before the alarums and klaxons from my useful pocket bullshit detector became too distracting to read any further. One thing I learned is that the concept of ‘political nepotism’ does not apply to Republicans (especially old-money Republicans) — instead they have a “long-standing family tradition of public service”.

 
Big Bad Bald Bastard
 

Priaprism is when it’s as hard as quartz (between 7 and 8 on the Mohs scale).

Priaprism is the filter through which a dickhead like Bozell sees the world!

Did Dumbya ever admit to his drug abuse? Maybe that’s the difference.

Being born again is like pressing a “reset” button… it was some other George W. Bush who did all those lines.

 
 

I love how he decides to attack Kennedy’s fitness for the Senate because of her name… while simultaneously having based his entire career on being Brent Bozell III.

Heh…indeed.

What depresses me is the very thought that there were two other stupidly macho-named ones before him.

 
 

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