Looks like the penguins have gotten to Lee Ellis
From probably a dozen places all at once (Chron Watch, American Daily, the Rant, People Pa-whatsis, and other low-rent wingsheets all tend to publish the same twenty columnists), Lee Ellis lays it down.
Lee Ellis, cranky old guy, used to work for CBS
The March of the Left VS the March of the Penguins,
By Lee Ellis
Fed to us constantly are the views of the Cultural Left that instant gratification is an accepted and normal way of behavior. Expected, as a result, are sex as a right on the first date, profanity in mixed company, rude behavior, lack of manners or etiquette, and, of course, grossness and violence. The music on CDs and videos teach these and worse such as the killing of police and demeaning of women. Nothing is left to the imagination anymore!
Honestly now, if one expects sex on the first date as a ‘right,’ one probably wears those deely-bopper metal-ball necklaces and thinks music lost its cool when Dimebag Darrell died. As for profanity in mixed company, my sainted grandmother would have had a word for Ellis, and the word might’ve been vitunlihakeitto — a Finnish expression so transcendentally obscene that I cannot bring myself to type the English equivalent. (There are two art forms in the world in which the Finns have proven indomitable: profanity and Formula-1 racing.)
And that’s ‘leaving things to the imagination.’
But what sort of stuff does Ellis approve of?
My wife and I have not been willing to see many new movies or even able to enjoy most TV shows anymore. So it was a joy to see a great moving picture come into the mainstream of the entertainment industry this past month — “The March of the Penguins.”
Remember our challenge a couple of days ago? Big yikes, Ellis…
Gay penguins Roy and Silo being totally gay with each other
Actors – None! It is a reality show of the life of the Emperor Penguins who live in the cold water and icy land of the Antarctic. This NOT animated, but actual beautiful photography! It was created by the photographers of the National Geographic, who had to brave the icy blasts of one of the cruelest winters I have ever seen. How they did this without losing both lives and cameras is amazing. To learn about nature, history, geography and also witness extraordinary photography, see and enjoy the life of a family of penguins and how they practice monogamy, true family life and the nurturing of their children.
And this, on the other hand, is from the Family Research Institute’s expose on lazy, filthy, defecating, small-penised penguins, some of whom famously choose the homosexual lifestyle:
Penguins are fed twice a day, and defecate into or toward the pond with considerable regularity. Otherwise, they stand about looking at not much of anything. Sometimes they spat with each other, clashing beaks. Every few minutes a few of them jump into the pond and swim back and forth for five minutes or so. Then it’s back to the shelf to stand around and defecate.
Though the penguins provide amusement for a few minutes, their repertoire is severely limited. And aside from the activity of swimming in their fecally-laced pond, these birds spend most of their time just standing around.
Presumably they also have sex. Unfortunately, penguin sex is a pretty drab affair. Penguins, as it turns out, only have one orifice. Out of it usually comes bodily waste. When they hook together for sex (orifice to orifice), the male has a small penis which extends sufficiently to enable the seminal fluid to get beyond the waste remnants in the male’s opening and then to reach the female’s orifice. There, at least some of the sperm make tracks toward the female’s reproductive organ (which is one of two internal branches beyond the orifice).
Supposedly, the ?gay penguins’ put their orifices together…
Well, we can imagine the rest. We have one question, Ellis: How long have you been in the pay of the penguins? Damn it man, how long?
“Though the penguins provide amusement for a few minutes, their repertoire is severely limited. And aside from the activity of swimming in their fecally-laced pond, these birds spend most of their time just standing around.”
They’ve certainly got Ellis’ number.
Doh! I see this has already been snarked up here. Perhaps I should start actually reading those post thingies at the beginning of each thread.
Whattaya mean? It’s still funny.
Sorry Mr. Ellis! I hear tell that those migrating penguins in the movie were all headed to a Bruce Springsteen concert.
He’s right, the last first date I went on was great but where’s the mystery and excitement that makes me want to go back for more? I picked her up and we got right down to making sweet love in the car. Once we checked that off the list, if you know what I mean, we went to the local seniors center and cussed up a storm in front of the old fogeys. Then we stole some of their food, ate it with our elbows on the table, burped and left the geezers with nothing more than a “sayanora suckers” and a couple of noogies/rope burns. After that we wacked a couple of pigs and went to a strip club and made rude comments about the girl’s asses. Now that was a fun packed evening but nothing is left to the imagination anymore! One day I hope to meet a nice girl and maybe we’ll wait until we’re married before we kill cops and demean women.
What, drugs and death metal are out of style with you kids today?
Back in my day, we never fucked on the first date without blasting our wigs off, listening to Cannibal Corpse.
Back in my day, we never fucked on the first date without blasting our wigs off, listening to Cannibal Corpse.
“HAMMER… SMASHED… FACE!!!”
Expected, as a result, are sex as a right on the first date, profanity in mixed company, rude behavior, lack of manners or etiquette, and, of course, grossness and violence.
Okay, I’ll put my hand up to profanity in pretty much any company, elbows-on-the-table and forgetting-which-fork-is-which. But I wait politely in line, rather than shoving to be first through the door of someone else’s presidential library, for example; I don’t actually flip people off on camera; and I’ve never blown up a frog (or anything else) with a firecracker.
And while I have had sex on the first date, I’ve also been with that person for fifteen years now, and we were friends for three even *before* we had the first date. I’m guessing Mr President is one of those who knows the difference between the chick you fuck on the first date and the chick you marry.
*That’s* demeaning to women (or men), not regarding all dates as potential keepers.
see and enjoy the life of a family of penguins and how they practice monogamy, true family life and the nurturing of their children.
March of the Penguins was admittedly a great little film, but who is this guy kidding? Was he awake when he allegedly watched it? The penguins are “monogamous” for one year–because that’s how they reproduce. The next year, it’s off to find a new mate. How fucking bizarre is it to try to apply right-wing “family values” to animals acting purely by millions of years of instinct? Sheesh.
Ugh. This is the kind of moralistic jingoism that really drives me nuts. Who cares what you think, old man? I don’t invade your space with my opinions. Whenever I meet someone like this at a party, I deliberately cut the loudest fart I can, smile and then walk away.
Have you ever noticed that the Bible doesn’t actually mention anything about LESBIAN penguins?
Actually, couldn’t this movie be seen as an anti-global-warming movie (as in let’s stop global warming, not denying it exists) and therefor be seen as a liberal enviromental film? (I’ve not seen it BTW).
Damn, d. sidhe beat me to it. The fucking penguins aren’t monogamous, except for one year, then they move on. They’re bigger whores than alot of us are!
What frightens me most is that this guy either ignored that fact or isn’t able to process it. How sad.
No george, he’s just remembering the line from (forgive me) “Never Been Kissed” where Drew Barrymore talks abotu penguins being monogamous for their whole lives.
Fix the italics rampage, you monkeys!
So it was a joy to see a great moving picture …
And it was a talkie, Smithers! Eeeeeexcellent!
Damn, d. sidhe beat me to it. The fucking penguins aren’t monogamous, except for one year, then they move on. They’re bigger whores than alot of us are!
hehehe not MOST, mind you, but ALOT of us.
Why use a generic word like orifice when one can experience the joy of using a word like “cloaca”?
You forgot to mention that the column is also hosted on S,N!’s sister site, PeoplePolitical.org. It’s right in the middle, between “Politics is breaking up that old gang of whine” and “Mohammed was a Thug”.
Let’s start a collection to buy this book and mail it to ol’ Grandpa Simpson. He’ll be too depressed to ever write again.
If we raise enough money, maybe we could also get him a couple CD’s (gangsta rap and death metal, naturally), and, of course, we could include a profanity-laden gift card with it.
I demand a translation from the Finnish!
Shorter Lee Ellis:
“You kids get off my lawn! Damn smoochers.”
I wonder if this is Warren Ellis’ dad.
You know, one thing that pisses me off totally about the constant name-calling of liberals, that we’re vile and filthy and think that sex on a first date is our innate right: I lead such a circumspect and, let’s face it, pure life that they would never believe it. Example: I don’t have sex on a first date (I reserve the right to change my mind, but I’m not really that sort of person), but I fail to see what the question of whether I do or do not has to do with my POLITICAL outlook. That’s just one example. I’m kind to animals and people, go to work every day, obey my conscience, don’t litter, and, most to the point, don’t live a life that is filled with hate toward my fellow man.People like Lee Ellis and Marie Jon’ have minds that are small, filled with visions of evil, and dedicated to hating others. Where in the bloody hell do they get the idea they’re better than I am?I’m sorry this isn’t funny. I’m just really fed up with being maligned by people who lead lives that are far more sinful than I am capable of doing. It gets wearying being constantly attacked while being told that I’m the one who’s the problem. I realize that this probably could have been written by many of us here. Next time I’ll go back to humorous Swank and Jon’-baiting, I promise. For what it’s worth, I’ll bet that if I opined that Marie Jon’ is just an all-around bitch, that would be the one part of this rant that she would take seriously.
Why do you have a picture of Joe Biden doing yoga?
hear hear!!!!!
I love Ellis’ comment about the lack of manners and civility. The rudest people I know are the right-wingers who believe that their “virtue” excuses them from even common kindness. Plus, there’s that whole “every man’s got to make it for himself, so if you help somebody else you’re just a sucker” free-market, social-Darwinist streak at work.
Agreed, Lucy.
And the person who noted that penguins are sluts wasn’t me, it was GeoX. I was aware of the fact, but, uh, didn’t care, in that I’m secretly an agent of the leopard seals, at least until Bob Novak outs me.
I demand a translation from the Finnish!
Vitunlihakeitto: Soup made from chopped cunt meat.
See, profanitywise, the Finns have it locked up — you just don’t find that level of casual appallingness elsewhere.
Finland: Pony-treking, camping AND the world’s cussingest grandmas
BTW, There’s also ‘kyrp?nlihakeitto’ (sp?), which is soup made from chopped penis meat. I’m not sure how they differ; it’s probably all pretty contextual.
The Spanish ain’t bad at the cussing either – Me cago en la leche de tu puta madre!
BTW, There’s also ‘kyrp?nlihakeitto’ (sp?), which is soup made from chopped penis meat. I’m not sure how they differ;
Umm, Gavin, you don’t know the difference between a cunt and a penis? Ben would be VERY proud of you for living a lifestyle that would result in this.
What’s ‘cago?’
Oy. First they say to ignore the penguins because they have homosexual tendencies, then they say they are the epitome of red state family values?
I think the Republican Party needs to clarify its stance on penguins. That would make a world of difference.
Umm, Gavin, you don’t know the difference between a cunt and a penis?
Um, the penis kind has little chambered hot-dog sections floating in it, like rings from okra pods? Grandma wasn’t much of a cook…
Here is a lengthy listing of Finnish swear words. I think I speak for all English speakers (except for MJ’ who speaks english) when I say “We surrender”.
I love that page!
Believe it or not, they kind of soft-pedal them in translation & steer toward the milder forms. They have ‘ved? vittu’ (something like, ‘give yourself a wedgie over your head with a cunt), but not ‘ved? vittu p??h?n’ (adding the crucial, ‘…and whistle’).
Because if you’re going to give yourself a wedgie, etc., you might as well whistle…
I thought Calamari was chopped penis meat…
“lack of manners or etiquette,”
Yes, once I realized I was a Democrat, I started eating all of my food with my bare hands, drinking straight from the 2-litre bottle, and chewing with my mouth open. But before I realized I was a Democrat, I was fine.
Oh, and don’t expect sex after the first date….just a blowjob.
Mr. Crankypants has apparently never heard of the three-date rule.
“What’s ‘cago?'”
I shit. As in “I shit in the milk of your whorish mother.”
okininam
from my wife’s Ilocano language. It basically means your mothers’ c-nt, and it isn’t a word that you are suppose to use around family members, but my researches find that , it’s become the equivalent of goddamn back in the PI.
okininyo
Which you can use to tell folks that you’re mad, but not at them, just the circumstances you find yourself in
Gagu
male fool. Very specific.
Gaga
Slutty woman. As Illocano Avenger told me:
“It’s like prosty(prostitute), only worse!”
I shit. As in “I shit in the milk of your whorish mother.”
That’s pretty good. Why can’t this be an Olympic event?
When Seb drops by, maybe he can drop some serious, industrial-strength Quebecois…
okininam
from my wife’s Ilocano language. It basically means your mothers’ c-nt, and it isn’t a word that you are suppose to use around family members, but my researches find that , it’s become the equivalent of goddamn back in the PI.
This is a great thread!
‘Sukksi mulkkuun’ — (go) ski into an erect penis.
Gah! Messed up italics, and my comment-editing thing is broken… [repost]
okininam
from my wife’s Ilocano language. It basically means your mothers’ c-nt, and it isn’t a word that you are suppose to use around family members, but my researches find that , it’s become the equivalent of goddamn back in the PI.
This is a great thread!
‘Sukksi mulkkuun’ — (go) ski into an erect penis.
Gavin, the great thing about the ‘Me cago’ line is you can use all kinds of different modifiers to show the strength of the expletive. Simply start with ‘Me cago en’ and then add whatever it is you shit in! Of course, Mother’s milk is the most common form and it’s pretty damn strong.
Now, if you want the harshest American cussing, we’ll need to get Anntichrist C. Coulter over here.
Me cago en tu sombrero?
It can’t be that simple!
Funny note about “cago.” Back when Chicago was celebrating some big anniversary, probably its 150th, there were posters and banners around town celebrating that fact by showing the name of the city with its letter I represented by 150 candles. So what you saw on the banner was, “Chi[candles candles candles]cago!” Shortly after they went up, someone pointed out the meaning of those four letters when separated from the first three, and the banners came down.
There are two art forms in the world in which the Finns have proven indomitable: profanity and Formula-1 racing.
That’s just the sort of blinkered, philistine pig-ignorance I’ve come to expect from you non-creative garbage. You excrement! [/Monty Python reference]
But seriously: classical music. Finns totally kick ass: the conductor of the fine Los Angeles Philharmonic (my hometown orchestra)? A Finn, Esa-Pekka Salonen. One of his specialties? The music of Sibelius, a Finn (see: Finlandia, Karelia Suite and other nationalist pieces). There’s a gaggle of superb modern composers that are Finnish (Sallinen, Lindberg, Saariaho) and fine instrumentalists (Adnes, Mustonenen, Matilla). Nah, the Finns are major players in the classical/opera worlds.
Olen S?pmilainer, kusip??!
(‘S?pmi,’ not ‘Suomi.’)
Also architecture with the Saarinens, and the astoundingly crazed Finnish hardcore bands of the ’80s (Rattus, Riistetyt, etc).
It’s true that birds have only the one orifice, used for both excretory and reproductive functions. It’s called, as someone noted here earlier, a cloaca – which is a truly bitchin’ word. However, if you think about it, this can only mean one thing….
Every time two birds of any gender have sex, it’s automatically sodomy. Birds only ever have nasty butt sex.
Nobody better let the wingnuts find out about this, or we won’t have any more songbirds. They’ll send them all to sexual reeducation camps, and all the male birds will spend the rest of their brief lives in an endless search for bird vittu – which, of course, there isn’t any of.
I read “sex as a right on the first date, preferably in mixed company. . .”
The thing that really seems to offend the FRC about gay penguins is that they’re pretty much just like heterosexual penguins. Perhaps they should redecorate their habitat or go out a little more often. Then maybe they’d be fabulous enough for the author.
I like my beer cold, my TV loud, and my homosexuals FLAMING! -Homer Simpson
Now you know why penguins make good bloggers. Mostly just sit around staring at nothing? Check. Never leave home if they don’t have to? Check. Have no balls (especially the warblogger variety)? Check. Unexciting sexually? Uhm, hmm. Conclusion: The difference between a blogger and a penguin is that one is a lazy, fat sexually boring creature that moves as little as possible and defecates in its nest, while the other is a bird.
– Badtux the Snarky Penguin
Wait a second, I am totally not fat!
Ehhh … Quebecois goes on a religious detour when it comes to swearing but in spite of that, it is a truly glorious language to swear in because it sounds so good when you do it (of course, you’re just saying stuff like “tabernacle” or “sanctified” but it sounds deep and guttural and nasty like all good swearin’ should)
“The difference between a blogger and a penguin is that one is a lazy, fat sexually boring creature that moves as little as possible and defecates in its nest, while the other is a bird.”
Someone send that line to Tom Tomorrow!
Great thread!
Ed
hi one and all, i was shocked to the core to descover that this web page is deicated to slagging a certain ‘Mr.Lee Ellis’ off.i for one have never clapped eyes on these so called ‘penguin’s’ so i for one would like to bring these matters to an end now. thank you for your time. Mr.Lee Ellis.