Taking a break from our seemingly insatiable appetite for the wisdom of Ayn Randian princess Amber Pawlik, Sadly, No! brings news of a most shocking evil plot. We used to think (thanks to our precious princess and World O’Crap’s cogent analysis,) that feminists.org wanted to take over the world. Well, as we now know, those crazy feminists aren’t the only ones with their eyes on the big prize. The people at Sovereignty International, Inc. tell us that:

Critics have long believed environmentalists were planning global domination.

Finally we yelled, someone has figured out what those no good environmentalists are scheming in between purchases of Birkenstock sandals and visits to the local tofu collective. But why has such a devious plan failed to attract the attention of either the big liberal media or that of the almost as large fair and balanced media?

The problem with making a credible case against such an ambitious plan was simple: no environmental leader had published one.

Ah, the truth slowly (and finally) comes out — those would-be environmentalists overlords hadn’t said they wanted to rule the world. So how did Sovereignty International crack the green code?

All that changed March 14, 2002.

On that date, Randall Hayes, president of the radical Rainforest Action Network, presented a paper at the Johns Hopkins 2002 Symposium on Foreign Affairs in Baltimore, Maryland. Its title was Restructuring the Global Economy: Eradicating Bretton Woods and Creating New Institutions.

And on that day the Borg collective of the tree huggers made its first strategic mistake: it announced its secret intentions to the entire world! We were immediately reminded of the industrious underpants gnomes in South Park episode 217, who had devised an all too clever plan to make themselves rich:

Gnome 1: Collecting underpants is just phase one. Phase one collect underpants.
Kyle: So what’s phase two?
[Silence]
Gnome 1: Hey, what’s phase two?!
Gnome 2: Phase one we collect underpants.
Gnome 1: Ya, ya, ya. But what about phase two?
[Silence]
Gnome 2: Well phase three is profit. Get it?
Stan: I don’t get it.
Gnome 2: (Goes over to a chart on the wall) You see, Phase one collect underpants, phase two-
[Silence]
Gnome 2: Phase three profit.

Based on our own cursory analysis, it would appear that Ralph Nader’s foot soldiers’ plan looks a little like this:

Phase 1: Create elaborate outline of institutions.
Phase 2:
Phase 3: Rule the world.

Is there more we should know? Sadly, Yes! You can read about some of the more outrageous and anti-capitalist successes of the environmental, as quoted by Sovereignty International:

With the Burger King boycott and 18 months of demonstrating in the streets, we stopped the funding flow from a thirty-five million dollar contract that was turning ancient tropical rainforests into cattle pastures to provide the U.S. market with cheap, greasy hamburgers.

If you ask us, the rainforest is just like the damn pandas World O’Crap had warned us about:

…stupid pandas who are too lazy to grow their own bamboo is the second greatest threat to humanity

If the rainforest just isn’t up to a good fight with a group of itinerant loggers, then maybe it shouldn’t have been born in the first place. Survival of the sharpest, that is our motto.

The time to act is now. Tell all your friends and maybe together we can defeat the forces of renewable energies, clean air and pesticide free rivers. Do it for your children’s’ rights to be born with disabilities because of exposure to unregulated chemical products.