Porn Generation, Pt. 2: Everything Bites
In the first two chapters of Porn Generation, our intrepid virgin hero expounds that everyone under the age of 30 is an STD-ridden ho-bag. The next five chapters explore this theme further, as we learn that professors and celebrities are all ho-bags too.
In Chapter 3, called “Campus Carnality,” some of Ben’s fellow law students invite him to play a game of poker after class. (I admit I find this implausible, since the only time most people talk to Ben is to ask if they can copy his homework.) During the game, Ben is shocked, SHOCKED to learn that when men get together to drink beer and play cards, they frequently talk about sex:
The conversation continues like this for hours. Sex, class, rock music. Sex, rock music, sex. Sex, sex, sex.
Ben doesn’t attribute his peers’ bawdy behavior to the fact that they’re, well, men. No, he blames their boorishness on (you guessed it) leftist universities. See, if colleges didn’t make condoms readily available, offer courses on sexuality, or allow men and women to live in the same dorms, then all men would remain cherubic baby-faced virgins, just like Ben. Here’s a particularly funny passage, where Ben details the grisly horrors of coed dorms:
Consider a world made up entirely of eighteen-year-old men and women, hormones raging, walk around in towels and pajamas like sisters and brothers, often sharing bathrooms and sometimes bedrooms- and, much of the time, beds.
Uhm, Ben, are you sure you want to say that horny college students are behaving just “like sisters and brothers?” Sounds kinda incest-y to me.
Welcome to dorm life for the porn generation. The social situation makes for its own unique and bizarre rules and practices. Roommates are ‘sexiled’ when their roommates are getting busy in the dorm room.
Ah, now we see why Ben’s so bitter- I imagine he spent many a night sleeping on the floor of his dorm’s study lounge while his roommate had hot, steamy sex. Heck, if I had to live with Ben, I’d sexile him regardless of whether I had someone coming over, just to get him out of the room.
Later in the chapter, Ben further shows how completely clueless he is about college life (emphasis added):
Sex is considered a substitute for developing an actual relationship. For guys especially, if you’re able to have sex with a good-looking girl on a regular basis, that’s an excellent incentive to keep a bad, pointless, or even self-destructive relationship going. And if you’re able to get several random good-looking girls to give you sex, why bother attempting relationships at all?
Uhm, guys? Raise your hand if in college you had “several random good-looking girls” willing “to give you sex” at a moment’s notice? (Yeah, we know Yosef will raise his hand, but when you’re the hottest young conservative writer on the Internets, you get your fair share of action. The rest of us, I suspect, weren’t quite so lucky.)
OK, so we’re three chapters into the book and all we’ve learned so far is that today’s youth are immoral (and horny) and that they have no standards (except being horny), and that Ben Shapiro is to virginity what Uncas was to the Mohicans. And though it’s been entertaining, it feels somewhat unsatisfying so far, since no book on modern depravity is complete without trashing the entertainment industry. Happily for us, Ben spends the next 60+ pages doing just that.
The thesis of Chapter Four, titled “Pop Tarts,” is that Madonna’s a slut. While this isn’t really an original idea, Ben points out that she’s not just any old run-of-the-mill slut: we’re talking about a superhuman uber-skank who has convinced an entire generation of girls to sell their vaginas to Satan. Or as Ben colorfully puts it:
Madonna spawned a new generation of low-rent child prostitute poseurs a la Jodie Foster.
Yes, Madonna, in tandem with liberal academics, is truly the root of what ails our depraved society. In the good old days, she would have been burnt at the stake or crushed by heavy rocks, but because of moral relativism, she’s free to hop from bed to bed without repercussion. Indeed, Madonna is so slutty that she once published an entire book detailing her innumerable sexual experiences. Writes Ben (emphasis added):
[Madonna] also published the photo album Sex, a porn book including shots of rape, homosexuality, and naked hitchhiking, as well as shots of her and other celebrities. The book currently adorns the coffee tables of hundreds of gay men and sperm banks.
I’m not sure how Ben knows so much about the literary tastes of sperm banks, but I will say he’s starting to frighten me.
Of course, Madonna isn’t the only target in Ben’s sites, as he spends a great deal of time attacking this so-called “rock music” that kids seem to like nowadays, especially the “heavy metal”:
Ozzy Osbourne, one of the more heralded members of this genre, once headlined the founding band of the heavy metal genre, Black Sabbath, spewing songs with pagan lyrics that ridiculed morality.
Ben also heaps scorn upon the late Kurt Cobain, whom he blames for encouraging youngsters to be cynical, jaded and apathetic:
Whereas oversexed pedophelia chic dominates pop music, boredom, and jadedness are the hallmarks of teenage thought. Everything “sucks,” “bites,” or “blows.”
Or in the case of Ben’s book, it sucks, bites and blows.
Chapter 5 continues Ben’s tirade against pop music, this time focusing on the evils of hip-hop. He begins the chapter with an admittedly lame quote from Senator John Kerry, who said, “I’m fascinated by rap and by hip-hop. I think there’s a lot of poetry in it. There’s a lot of anger, a lot of social energy in it. And I think you’d better listen to it pretty carefully, ’cause it’s important.”
Yeah, so Kerry’s admittedly full of shit about liking hip-hop, but like always, Ben takes it too far:
To portray rap as vital to black culture, as Kerry did, is a subtle form of racism. It assumes that violence and misogyny are integral black lifestyle.
Which would be true if every single rapper was violent and/or misogynist. Sure, there’s a lot of crap out there, but hip-hop isn’t just 50 Cent, it’s also A Tribe Called Quest, Common, Outkast and Talib Kweli. That Ben assumes all rap music is sexist and violent shows subtle racism on his part, which isn’t all that surprising considering he’s Ann Coulter’s #1 fan/stalker.
Skipping around to Chapter 8 (“TV v.s. Virginity”), Ben goes after prime time sitcoms. Yes, it’s not only Madonna and Jay-Z who conspire to make your kids slutty, it’s Ross and Rachel from Friends as well:
[Friends] promoted adolescent attitudes into adulthood for teenagers. Friends took the place of family, and lasting super-platonic relationships were unnecessary.
Even worse than Friends, of course, is Will & Grace, which has the audacity to portray homosexuals as actual human beings, rather than predatory sex vampires. Ben disapprovingly quotes Will & Grace star Debra Messing talking about the importance of the show’s realistic depiction of homosexuals:
“[T]he most gratifying part of doing Will & Grace is that for the first time on television there’s a portrayal of a leading male gay character who is three-dimensional, complicated, humane, compassionate, loving and sensual. That’s very important for the gay community, and I was insistent from the very beginning, before I would get involved, that it be reflective of real life.”
Propaganda in your living room, brought to you by NBC.
Yes, because gay people can never be humane, compassionate or loving. In fact, shows with gay characters should go out of their way to show how depraved and hedonistic homosexuals are. And of course, no show should feature gay men at all unless they look like this guy:
Ben goes on to say that networks should actually warn viewers beforehand of any and all gayness that may occur during prime time:
Hollywood won’t be policing itself anytime soon. When the Christian Action Network suggested that viewers be warned that Will & Grace contained homosexual content, they were given the cold shoulder.
Yes, that’s a terrific idea, Ben. Similarly, FOX News should issue warnings right before Hannity & Colmes that say, “The following program contains extreme acts of graphic assholism and violent douchebaggery.”
Throughout the entire chapter on TV sitcoms, Ben seems intent on proving that he’s completely humorless, at one point attacking Jonah Goldberg’s favorite show, The Simpsons:
The Simpsons helped define my generation, and it frequently engages in casual disdain for Christian values- gay marriage is legalized in Springfield in order to ‘strike a blow for civil rights,’ Reverend Lovejoy has no idea about the source for the scriptural proscription on homosexuality, and Marge (the good parent) has no problem introducing a “lesbian” couple to the children.
As any fan of the show will tell you, The Simpsons engages in casual disdain for everything, not just religion. Now here’s where Ben gets really wingnutty:
Making fun of those with traditional values is easy enough; it’s always easier to satirize someone with standards than someone without them.
Yeah, that’s true. And besides, calling someone “The Virgin Ben” is a lot catchier than calling someone “The Drag Queen Man Whore Ben.”
[I]f certain people hold themselves and others to higher standards, it’s more common for them to fall short and become the butt of jokes.
Huh-huh. You said “butt.”
If Jenna Jameson has adultery, there’s nothing to laugh about. If Jerry Falwell does, he’ll never hear the end of it.
Especially if it’s with a transvestite Muslim hooker!
Hypocrisy as humor pushes destruction of standards.
Making fun of hypocritical prudes has been a staple of comedy for thousands of years. From Euripdes’ Bacchae, to Shakespeare’s Twelfth Night, to Moliere’s The Misanthrope, the preachy and self-righteous have been skewered and ridiculed more than almost any group in the history of satire, perhaps only second to fat people. If you’re gonna argue that the pious should be exempt from ridicule, you might as well advocate banning humor all together (which, come to think about it, sounds like something Ben would wholeheartedly endorse).
OK, that’s all the V.B. I can take for one week. Tune in next Monday, when I summarize Porn Generation’s thrilling conclusion!
Anybody else notice that Ben’s shoe is untied?
For guys especially, if you’re able to have sex with a good-looking girl on a regular basis, that’s an excellent incentive to keep a bad, pointless, or even self-destructive relationship going.
That’s right, man. Everybody knows that to have sex with a good-looking girl on a regular basis you should be keeping a bad, pointless, and self-destructive marriage going. If only hip-hop music hadn’t corrupted so many hotties into giving me sex, I’d be unhappily married right now and loving it.
casual disdain? Who gets 4 fingers when everyone else only has 3? God, that’s who! The Big G! If that’s not reverence, I don’t know what is.
>Ozzy Osbourne, one of the more heralded members of this genre, once headlined the founding band of the heavy metal genre, Black Sabbath, spewing songs with pagan lyrics that ridiculed morality.>Ozzy Osbourne, one of the more heralded members of this genre, once headlined the founding band of the heavy metal genre, Black Sabbath, spewing songs with pagan lyrics that ridiculed morality.
I would love to see how this guys head would exsplode when exsposed to current metal bands like Arch Enemy or Dimmu Borgir.
Yeah, I’d like to make Ben listen to “Fucked With a Knife” and “Necropedophile” by Cannibal Corpse…
I wanna take Ben to a GWAR concert.
I wanna take Ben to a GWAR concert.
YES!!! FEED HIM TO THE WORLD MAGGOT! LET HIM GET SPANKED BY SYLMENSTRA HYMEN!!!
Maybe we should also put this warning before some programs: “Warning: This program contains graphic content that may be offensive to some viewers, specifically depictions of negroes as human beings who are of equal value to whites.”
And it’s not hypocritical for a family values guy to cheat on his wife, but it is hypocritical to make fun of him for it?
Finally, I have to ask: Ozzy? Kurt? Madonna?!
Ozzy hasn’t been relevant since the Ozbournes was on, Kurt killed himself in the mid-90s, and Madonna was out before either of them.
Ben’s apparenly about my age, which means in the glory days of Madonna and Black Sabbath he would’ve been about six years old. And maybe he just had advanced taste for his age, but when Nirvanna was big I was spending most of my time watching Power Rangers, not listening to angsty teen music (All times aproximate, because I’m as clueless about pop as Ben).
Maybe he should try to find out what’s actually popular for his generation, instead of railing against the immorality of two decades ago. Yeesh.
Ben, he thinks we’re moral wrecks
(talkin’ ’bout porn generation)
’cause we’re havin’ c-c-c-constant sex
(talkin’ ’bout porn generation)
dorm life’s seedy and depraved
(talkin’ ’bout porn generation)
read the book – you can be s-s-saved
(talkin’ ’bout porn generation)
porn generation, porn generation baby
Maybe he should try to find out what’s actually popular for his generation, instead of railing against the immorality of two decades ago. Yeesh.
Ah, but the classics never go out of style. And it’s less work to just cop the criticisms from 10 -15 years ago rather than actually subject onself to the actual popular culture of the group you’re discussing.
read the book – you can be s-s-saved
(talkin’ ’bout porn generation)
…I hope I die before I get laid
(talkin’ ’bout porn generation)
I wanna take Ben to a GWAR concert.
I wanna take Ben to Amsterdam.
Why do I get a vision of Nixon playing poker in college?
Or in the case of Ben’s book, it sucks, bites and blows.
Thank you folks, Brad will be here all night!
Picture of Ben from the inside book flap.
Aww… no images in comments?
Ok, here is the image of Ben
he blames their boorishness on (you guessed it) leftist universitiesvBen should spend a little time working on a construction crew if he thinks talking about sex is caused by higher education.
Aww… no images in comments?
Ok, here is the image of Ben
Not one of Jake Gyllenhall’s finer moments.
vBen should spend a little time working on a construction crew if he thinks talking about sex is caused by higher education.
Yeah, WTF? Why then is the unwed birthrate so high among high school dropouts?
I must agree with SisterGeoff. Can you really call Black Sabbath offensive to Christians with lyrics like this?
http://www.lyricsfreak.com/b/black-sabbath/19384.html
Ben needs to check out Scandanavian black metal if he wants to know the true face of blasphemy. In the early 90s, some of those guys even burned down churches!
I must agree with SisterGeoff. Can you really call Black Sabbath offensive to Christians with lyrics like this?
Let’s not forget the brilliant lyrical innovations in “War Pigs,” where they rhyme “masses” with “masses.”
“Uhm, guys? Raise your hand if in college you had “several random good-looking girls” willing “to give you sex” at a moment’s notice?”
No, of course not… no girls.
“Hollywood won’t be policing itself anytime soon. When the Christian Action Network suggested that viewers be warned that Will & Grace contained homosexual content, they were given the cold shoulder.”
Well, this would be helpful for those audience members that come back week after week and are still startled that the show is acrawlin’ with kweahs!
“[Madonna] also published the photo album Sex, a porn book including shots of rape, homosexuality, and naked hitchhiking, as well as shots of her and other celebrities.
Naked hitchhiking?!? Noooooooo–!!! Dear Jeebus, somebody make it stop!
“Maybe he should try to find out what’s actually popular for his generation, instead of railing against the immorality of two decades ago. Yeesh.”
The audience for this book isn’t people of his genaeration, it’s for old people who want to find out the inside dope on all the immorality that the young un’s are getting up to.
He has to use references that his bubbie can sorta understand.
Gumby and Pokey find a copy of Vigin Ben’s ‘Porn Generation’ and enter the book to explore the strange world inside — They come upon Virgin Ben who ‘accidentally’ got his penis stuck in small hole in the wall. Gumby tells Virgin Ben to think about something besides sex so he can become unstuck. Ben, sobbing, says “But that’s all I ever think about!” Gumby and Pokey get bored and leave. The End
Madonna spawned a new generation of low-rent child prostitute poseurs a la Jodie Foster.
Funny how it wouldn’t’ve been, you know, JODIE FOSTER who did that.
I think Ben Shapiro is what happens when parents tell their children that the other kids pick on them because they’re just jealous.
Did that idiot even see “Taxi Driver”? It was hardly an endorsement of child prostitution. Why do I get the feeling little Ben would think Travis Bickle was heroic, instead of psychotic?
Who was it last week who said “Porn Generation” is the “Reefer Madness” of Ben Shapiro’s generation? After reading Pt. 2 of Brad’s coverage, I’m convinced this book is even more cluelessly naive about its subject than “Madness” was about the subject it covered.
“Not one of Jake Gyllenhaal’s finer moments.” Maybe not, VV, but here’s the difference between Jake and Ben: even after seeing him in “Bubble Boy”, I’d still like to sleep with Jake. After being subjected to Ben’s bobbleheaded insights, it’s doubtful anybody would even give him a pity fuck, which was the only kind he was ever likely to have, even within marriage.
Well, Ben has convinced me — none of MY non-existent children are going to watch TV, listen to music, go to college, live in the 21st century, or have genitals. I was especially impressed by the part about how Madonna caused Jodie Foster to be a child prostitute, and the part about how we shouldn’t let brothers and sisters live in the same house once they become teens and have hormones.
Sounds kinda incest-y to me.Actually, it sounds like the clearest evidence that our virgin is talking out his other mouth. I was at university in Cambridge in the early eighties. The dorms were coed, as were the bathrooms, and the place was as sexualised as the registrar’s office. In fact, there was a tremendous give and take amongst the people on the floor: they clawed off the vixens from Leslie and we booted out the vampires from the law school. Contrary to Ben’s vaporings, we all lived happily ever after.
The whole time I was a Madonna fan, I was also a virgin.
Also, “has adultery”?
I was at university in Cambridge in the early eighties. The dorms were coed, as were the bathrooms, and the place was as sexualised as the registrar’s office.
Yeah, but that’s England. The entire country has about as much sexual energy as a castrated walrus š
“I wanna take Ben to a GWAR concert.”
“I wanna take Ben to Amsterdam.”
I wanna take Ben’s rear virginity.
.
.
.
.
Kidding! Ha, ha.
.
.
Ha
I’m old so I don’t know what the kids are listening to. So I was hoping Ben would hip me to that scene. Then it turns out he rants about Kurt Cobain and Friends and Madonna? While’ve I’ve actually heard of these people, that was 10+ years ago, when I was Ben’s age. (Madonna is more like 20 years ago).
Dude sounds like my grandpa ranting about hippies well into the 1980s.
I have a feeling this guy is going to be really really pissed he didn’t have a tiny bit of fun when he was young.
I honestly think that if Ben Shapiro ever gets laid, he will simply explode.
And he has no clue what goes on in a co-ed dorm. I was on a co-ed dorm floor and ‘dormcest’ was severely frowned upon by the inmates because of the drama potential.
Man oh man… the last time I saw someone as ostentatiously virginal as this plump little cherry blossom, I was ripped out of my gourd and watching that Urkel show in Spanish with a bunch of Europeans who thought it was the funniest thing they’d ever seen. Good times, man, good times… where was I? Oh yeah, Ben Shapiro: the white, real-life Steve Urkel, with ten times the lunacy!
Wow. Just fucking wow.
I love the slam on Sabbath, as if he is trying to preempt the fact that War Pigs, a million year old song, literally shits all over W. and the rest.
CT hereby offers 1 billion dollars for proof that Ben’s genitals are not mangled, or that he is not asexual.
Seriously, from Madonna to Jodie Foster with nary a Julia Roberts in the middle? Is Ben still bitter about the whole Hinckley thing?
Consider a world made up entirely of eighteen-year-old men and women, hormones raging, walk around in towels and pajamas like sisters and brothers
That shoud be “walking,” not “walk.” And here I thought getting into Harvard Law School was hard. I should have paid more attention to that idiotic “Legally Blond” movie.
Honestly, I teach second-graders that have a better grasp of pop culture and grammer than this nutjob.
If I recall correctly(it was, after all, about 12years ago or so), Madonna’s “Sex” coffeetable book, for all its hype, was a monumental flop. Nobody bought the damn thing; the price alone drove most people away from it. Whatever diehard Madonna fans DID buy it, were probably adults, not corruptable teens and preteens. (No parent of kids that age would through away money on something like that.) So not only is Ben completely out of touch with popular culture (Madonna’s most recent “literary” efforts have been children’s books.), he’s also lacking any bit of common sense.
I’m beginning to think that the Conservative Movement has been infiltrated by Discordians, and that Shapiro in particular is a highly skilled Erisian pope. Nothing other than a plan to destroy it from the inside with absurdity explains Ben’s repeated, spectacular missing-the-point, absurdly outdated references and hilarious combination of naivety and judgementalism.
Other potential Discordian agents:
Dennis Prager – real mission to highlight the cracks in organised religion by spouting bollocks about Judeo-Christianity
Rick Santorum – real mission to highlight the cracks in the Republican Party by spouting the craziest shit he can think of and seeing if anybody calls him on it
Bill Frist – real mission to highlight the cracks in noted Illuminati front the American Medical Association by performing bogus telediagnoses, thus discrediting the entire medical profession
I’m pretty sure that Ben wrote this book as a means of getting laid.
You see, I’m pretty sure that his pretty boy looks combined with his whole “Wah, I’ma conservative virgin” schtick is sure to appeal to some young liberal woman who will want to save him.
Or to lecherous older women who want to, um. Hrm.
Anyways, geez, most folks don’t need to write a conservative book to get laid. Talk about trying too hard.
This guy has to be the biggest square in America. I know Hasids who have more fun. He must jerk-off to the photos of Coulter on her books muttering, “Spank me harder Mistress Ann, I have been bad, I have had Leftist thoughts.” What a scary guy in so many ways.
So not only is Ben completely out of touch with popular culture (Madonna’s most recent “literary” efforts have been children’s books.), he’s also lacking any bit of common sense.
Like most conservatives his age, he’s just parroting what he’s heard other, older conservatives saying. The boy hasn’t had an original thought in his head in his whole life, it’s just too scary. It’s much easier to smugly live in one’s little bubble, with reassurances from Coultergeist and O’Lielly that he’s the finest of his generation for perpetuating the idiotic lies they’ve been spewing forever.
Oh, ferfucksakes. As a long-time atheist, I was rolling my eyes at Black Sabbath’s heavy-handed preaching in songs like “After Forever”:
Have you ever thought about your soul – can it be saved?
Or perhaps you think that when you’re dead you just stay in your grave
Is God just a thought within your head or is he a part of you?
Is Christ just a name that you read in a book when you were in school?
When you think about death do you lose your breath or do you keep your cool?
Would you like to see the Pope on the end of a rope – do you think he’s a fool?
Well I have seen the truth, yes I’ve seen the light and I’ve changed my ways
And I’ll be prepared when you’re lonely and scared at the end of our days
Could it be you’re afraid of what your friends might say
If they knew you believe in God above?
They should realize before they criticize
that God is the only way to love
Is your mind so small that you have to fall
In with the pack wherever they run
Will you still sneer when death is near
And say they may as well worship the sun?
I think it was true it was people like you that crucified Christ
I think it is sad the opinion you had was the only one voiced
Will you be so sure when your day is near, say you don’t believe?
You had the chance but you turned it down, now you can’t retrieve
Perhaps you’ll think before you say that God is dead and gone
Open your eyes, just realize that he’s the one
The only one who can save you now from all this sin and hate
Or will you still jeer at all you hear? Yes! I think it’s too late.
Sure, they were singing stuff like this while indulging in enough groupies and coke to make the ancient Romans look like Puritans, but if hypocrisy were important to idiots like Ben, people like Limbaugh, O’Reilly and Bennett wouldn’t have careers anymore.
And, of course, bassist Geezer Butler was the band’s lyricist, not Ozzy, although he’s more trendy to bash.
Mr. Mordant, thanks for posting those lyrics. Whenever I get the stupid “Black Sabbath are devil worshippers!” nonsense, I quote that song.
Um, I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again:
Ben is good looking. Seriously. He looks very handsome in that picture.
And since, according to the kids these days, getting a blow job isn’t really sex, I can give him the best hummer he’ll ever experience and the Sadly! No crew can *still* call him the Virgin Ben.
Win/win in my book.
Jim, as a card-carrying faggot, let me be the first to say, “Eeewww!”
But better you than me, I s’pose….
That lil’ virgin boy looks like Jeff Gordon in that pitcher! And Gordon is a quer! Yee-haw!!!
Marq, I’m pretty picky about what young wingnuts I’d be willing to blow. VBen, sure. Justin Darr, not if I was tied to the stakes and the matches were ready.
Jim, I’ll concede that Ben is cuter than Justin Darr, but, hell, I’M cuter than Justin Darr. But there are still standards, cute or not. Ben Shapiro is so stupid he couldn’t find his own ass without a map, and that’s a HUGE point against him.
Bill S: “Jim, I’ll concede that Ben is cuter than Justin Darr, but, hell, I’M cuter than Justin Darr.”
Shit–who isn’t? Hell, by comparison to Justin Darr, effing Carrot Top is practically a major hottie. Not that I’d sleep with either of them either. Cripes, at this rate, I’m gonna have to turn in my Slut? lifetime membership card.
Damn, I wish I had saved the now-vanished UCLA Bruin Republican party snaps from Ben’s undergrad days, where it’s clear the other ladies and gentlemen are getting their drink on just prior to getting their swerve on–and there’s Ben, sitting in a Barcalounger wearing a suit, completely outside the action. Oh what a world, where not even the campus conservatives bother to pay more than lip service to the ideal of chastity.
If anybody has those pictures saved, please post them. They are a priceless relic from a vanished time of Ben’s willed ignorance and thus bliss.