Wingnut Masterpiece Theatre

Inspired by SZ’s Ultimate Wingnut Contest and RETARDO’s Wingnut All-Star Team, I’ve been thinking about creating a Hall of Fame for the wingnuttiest individual columns of all-time. Three immediately come to mind:

1.) Peggy Noonan claims Elian Gonzalez was rescued by God-sent dolphins

2.) Thomas Sowell campaigns to legalize for-profit kidney sales

3.) Ann Coulter advocates invading Muslim countries to “kill their leaders and convert them to Christianity.”

I welcome further suggestions. They should be from (fairly) mainstream pundits- Townhall or higher (’cause let’s face it, if we just allowed any old wingnut column into the Hall, Pastor Swank would take up half the space).


Comments: 40


I’ve got to show some love for a pair of columns by Townhall’s Mike Adams. In the first, he accused a lesbian candidate for state office of getting pregnant with her brother’s sperm without checking it out. In the second, he admitted his error in the most arrogant manner conceivable, blaming her for his failure to check it out. It still bugs me.


There’s Yoshida’s comfort women. (No, not that Yoshida).


Yoshida’s not really a mainstream pundit (see rule above), but I guess I can accept some marginal wingnuts if we impose a two-column limit. So if you nominate a Kaye Grogan column or Justin Darr column, make sure it’s their absolute masterpiece.


[sotto voce]
[Anyone want to help crop a pic? I’m on a machine without any graphics tools.]


There was that one where Doug Giles talked about how Christians need to be manly… you remember, it had lots of strained similes and dated pop-culture references…


I saw Peggy Noonan on Jeopardy yesterday. I can’t watch that show anymore now.


There was that one where Doug Giles talked about how Christians need to be manly… you remember, it had lots of strained similes and dated pop-culture references…

That’s, like, HALF of Doug’s columns. Pick out a really good one 😉


I have to nominate St. Peggy of the Dolphins’ famed “retards with spades” column


Clif- that’s a good one… a very, VERY good one…


Cliff May’s recent claim that David Corn outed Plame is among the wingnuttiest things I have read.



Oh yeah, that Cliff May column was a beaut- normally it takes a while for a wingnut column to attain HOF status, but that one was an instant classic.


James Taranto’s column “The Roe Effect: The right to abortion has diminished the number of Democratic voters.”

Andrew Sullivan writing to Iraqis: “you’re welcome” and “we all played our part. By facing down the evil, the cowardly and the simply misguided, we have done a great good.”


Hey, Gavin–I can resize a photo or two if you still need it done. Presuming you can nab my e-mail address from my postings, mail the photo to me as well as any instructions (what you want cropped out, the size/resolution you want the finished photo, etc.) Should take like 5 minutes, tops.


Thanks! I think I can get the address via Movable Type…


I don’t want to impune the qualifications of the first three candidates. However, at least two of their credentials need more scrutiny:
We have invaded a Muslim country, we’ve killed or are going to kill their leaders, and if we could get out of our armored Humvees without getting offed, I’m sure we’ve plenty of elite Air Force Academy grads ready to get out there and deliver the Christian message of God’s love. Thus #3’s cred., gone.
I believe that Iraq is once again leading the way on kidney sales, along with other organs. Fantasy becomes reality and #2;s cred. spirals down to defeat.
#1 has legs, why would God send dolphins instead of angels? Why would he let the little tyke be shipped back to godless Cuba? Mysteries here that demand true wingnut form to explain. The Pegster rules, at least for now.


I can’t remember the title of it, but there was a column by Jennifer Graham which related a story of seeing an African-American family in Applebees, and her husband wanting to “high-five” the father for actually being there, seeing as how most black men walk out on their wives and kids.


Half? Bosh. That’s 99 44-100ths percent of l’oeuvre Giles.


Brilliant. I only read the Thomas Sowell piece until I got to:

I happen to know a lady who was born with three kidneys

At that stage I realised that it was not going to be a sensible article…


The article by Ben Stein in which he says the Watergate investigation caused the US to lose the Vietnam War and caused the genocide in Cambodia:



I think my favorite column is the one where John Gibson said that Iraq was actually behind the Oklahoma City bombings. Yes, dumber columns exist (and columnists with poorer grammar), but the fact that someone with his own TV show could be so mind-numbingly rediculous makes it stand out to me.


C’mon, you can’t forget the greatest of all wingnut articles! And the story of the relatively no-name writer who made it big with her first at bat. That’s right, Annie Jacobson and “Terror in the Skies”. I think that should be number one. I mean, think about it, it had everything you need to be wingnutty – a superiority complex of the author, fear of brown people, her ability not to realize that it was her actions that made them not be nice to her, rebukes by government officials saying that there was no problem (except that they were worried about her), and making something huge for everyone in the nation that should have been nothing. It’s the best ever.


Also, let’s not forget Novak’s Plame column, since it might be the first piece of wingnuttery that’s technically illegal.


Do WND columnists count? If so, one of my favorites is Vox Day’s “Beating Down A Woman” column. He spends most of the column talking about how he beat up a lot of women during martial arts training, and enjoyed it. Then at the last paragraph, he tacks on a Jessica Lynch reference. LINK


i vote for pastor swank.

(also, how did you leave michele malkin off this list)


Kiche- Michelle deserves to be on there, but I couldn’t think of one *specific* column that was particularly abominable (v.s. most of her columns, which are merely generally abominable).


You’ve got to include the now infamous column by ol’ randy Andy Sullivan where he made the comment that fighting in Iraq was preventing terrorist attacks in New York and London. That deserves some kind of special prize for tragic wrongness.

I would also like to nominate the column by Larry Elder where he accused his neighbor’s cat of being a communist. Some casual googling did not turn it up, but for anybody who feels like doing some legwork (this was sometime late 2003 to early 2004), it’s truly a beaut.

In Peggy Noonan’s case, there are so so many classic ones, but let us not forget the one about how George W. B*sh is like a fireman, putting out the fires of terrorism with his manly hose, while liberals stand around and want to talk about the fire’s feelings. That woman’s gonna need her own wing in the wingnut HOF (speaking of which, you’ll have to think about how to build a building that has two right wings.)

Finally, I’m nominating Dennis Prager’s classic series of columns about the tragic dangers of 13 year old girls in short skirts.


How could I have forgotten this classic in the WSJ:

I had the most astonishing thought last Thursday. After a long day of hauling the kids to playdates and ballet, I turned on the news. And there was the president, landing on the deck of the USS Abraham Lincoln, stepping out of a fighter jet in that amazing uniform, looking–how to put it?–really hot. Also presidential, of course. Not to mention credible as commander in chief. But mostly “hot,” as in virile, sexy and powerful.


Holy shit, what kind of fucked up, abusive martial arts dojo did Vox Day go to, anyway? Why are people getting hurt so much? Don’t they teach the noble arts of Blocking and Getting the Hell Out of the Way? Seriously, I have seem dojos like that and they are not places to learn how to fight or be tough. They are places for closet sadists to beat the shit out of each other. It’s depressing.

Anyway, I make a second vote for Annie Jacobson’s “Terror in the Skies”. It’s total classic wingnuttery — a stupid, inane, and self-centered piece of privledged whining that other pundits somehow reworked into a national panic.


Mr. or Ms. Fiend, here is your column: Christmas Encounter With a ‘Radical Socialist’ (You have to remember that most of these guys now talk about socialists, not commies.)

And while I don’t consider Doug Giles to be have any more gravitas than Doug Cherry (I mean, how much can it mean to be a TownHall columnist when they let Dr. Mike Adams write about a bad line in his performance evaluation for two weeks in a row), I still love Doug’s column about the delicious tree of freedom, and the one about crack night in the ferret hut.


Oh, and I hate how your comment system never remembers me — it makes me feel so … so unvalued!


How about David Brooks’ column about the myth of the Neocon and how Neocon is shorthand for jew. Maybe not quite on par in nuttiness with the Lord’s Dolphins, but bonus point for being even more mainstream?


s.z.- I figured out how to make it remember you. It’s pretty simple just be sure to click the “Remember me” button after you’ve included everything you’re going to write. If you type in your name, then email address, then click the button, and then type you comment, it won’t remember you. You have to do it only after you’ve done everything else.


Not to pick on Noonan (oh, hell…let’s), the one where she waxes rhapsodically about wanting to hump Ronald Reagan’s foot.


The Ben Stein classic in which he compared Bush voters to oppressed civil rights workers has always delighted me.
C’mon, the guy quotes the lyrics to We Shall Overcome. How much more wingnutty can you get?


While not overtly political, Debbie Schlussel’s anti-WNBA screed is one of the nuttiest, meanest things I’ve read from someone who has been on Fox.

John Gibson’s recent one about how it was too bad France didn’t get the Olympics so they could get blown up by terrorists was also exceptionally stupid and heartless.


My all-time favorite Jonah Goldberg column damns the ’60s by quoting then-Cardinal Ratzinger declaring that “the 1968 revolution and the terror created – in the name of Marxist ideas – a radical attack on human freedom and dignity, a deep threat to all that is human,” and then informing us that “The 1960s saw student uprisings not only in America but in France, Britain, Czechoslovakia, Poland, Germany, Senegal, Argentina, Indonesia and Mexico. Obviously, each had its own unique flavor, but there was also something in the global water in the 1960s. What it was, exactly, is still hotly debated today. But the violence of ’68ers surely had something to do with the comfort and guilt that comes from being the prosperous offspring of the World War II generation.”

That’s right, Jonah: the rebels in Czechoslovakia and Poland were out to spread the gospel of Marx, and the ones in Indonesia and Mexico were all spoiled little rich kids out on a joy ride.


Anonymous — thank you thank you thank you! It was as good as I remembered, oh baby.

Silly me, I had forgotten that St. Rhonald the Teflon had officially slain the dragon of communism. I will no longer accuse cats and ladies of ample girth of being communists, when they are in fact radical socialists…


A good Doug Giles column is The Wild Man. This is Pastor Doug’s bizarre retelling of the Garden of Eden story.


As yes, “The Wild Man”-y’know, picking the wingnuttiest thing by Dougie would be hard, but that’s an excellant choice. Not only does he get to indulge his usual macho/homoerotic fantasies, but he also proves that, for a preacher, he’s remarkably ignorant about what the Bible actually SAYS.


Yosef–an addendum to your instructions. Presumably, “cookies” need to be active for the comments page to remember your information. Mine, since I am astonishingly paranoid, are off, naturally enough. It’s not worth the petty convenience of not having to type in my info each time to allow the INTERNETS TO SPY ON MY EVERY LITTLE MOVE! Unless, of course, I want to read the New York Times.


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