Kickin’ Off the Weekend With Pastor Swank

To start off your weekend with a bang, here’s a round-up of Pastor Swank’s recent columns.

Column #1: “‘GOD CURSE THE MUJAHEDEEN!’- THE CRY NEEDED MORE AND MORE FROM MUSLIMS THEMSELVES”

As suicide-bent crazy Muslims set themselves aglow while annihilating innocent bystanders, an angry Muslim woman cried outside a Kindi hospital.

“She was OK for a Muslim. Sure, she was suicide-bent and crazy, but at least she didn’t set herself aglow.”

Slapping her head repeatedly, as if wanting to slap around the Muslim numbskulls who kill themselves and others, she let the world hear her.

She screeched: “May God curse the majahedeen and their leader!”

Now there is one reasonable woman.

Yes, there’s no one more reasonable than a grief-stricken woman who’s screeching and slapping her head.

Does it take a relative being blown to bits or a neighborhood extinguished to squeeze out the logical wail that the so-called “holy warriors” (majahedeen) and their murdering mentors are the present-tense prime global criminals?

Or as Michael Jackson might’ve said back in the day:

“So, Swanky, are you OK?
Are you OK, Swanky?
You’ve been hit by
You’ve been hit by… a present-tense prime global criminal!”

Back to Pastor Swank:

Of course, the Islamic deity is Allah who is in fact Satan. That’s why the Muslims cry out that America is the Great Satan, that is, in order to sidetrack the real focus on their deity to the Judeo-Christian American heritage. The same occurred in Jesus’ ministry. The religious fakes called Him Beelzebub. So what’s new?

Say, didn’t Pastor Swank’s own congregation accuse him of being Satan? I guess it happens to the best of us…

It’s just plain brainlessness mushroomed to realize that not only is this suicide fad expanding but that the devotees of this religion ? actually a killing cult, not a world religion ? do not pipe a peep in protest.

I have no idea what the fuck this sentence means, but I think he’s saying that he was kidnapped by Manson’s killing cult in the ’60s and was forced to take a bunch of mushrooms that eventually rendered him brainless. Explains a lot, if you ask me.

Then I watched the recent edition of Big Brother on American TV last evening. There is one young, good-looking male in the show who is Muslim. And how do the producers portray him? They have him as the moral base to that locked-in community.

Yeah, they could have at least made him look crazy and suicide-bent.

He related on last night’s show that according to his religion he will rise each morning at 5 o’clock to say prayers to Allah. With that, it showed him leaving his sleeping room for a small space where he spread his prayer mat. Then he bowed to pray. Then he returned to his resting place. Such a peaceful religion. Such a calm, mild devotee of that peaceful religion.

And so the public relations for Muslim Nice Guy continues on the USA Big Brother, no doubt prompted by the sweetness-and-light Council on American-Islamic Relations (CAIR). It made me so incensed to think that one of our own TV programs would picture an Islamic disciple as part of the civilized community.

Because there are only two kinds of Muslims out there:

1.) The crazy-bent suiciders who set themselves aglow.

2.) Angry grieving women who screech while slapping numbskull present-tense prime global criminals.

This, in the very week we continue to be bloodied in staccato fashion by Muslim murderers thither and yon.

Zounds, verily ’tis so! But yea, mericully the Muslim murders global strucketh soley thither and yon, and not hither!

Column #2: “DON’T TRUST MCCAIN. NOT NICE FELLA.”

As certain moderates and liberals stroke Senator John McCain, Republican of Arizona, the truly conservative continue to be exceptionally wary of the man.

Well, since he likes stroking so many people, you can see why.

After all, a Republican who can sit right alongside Hillary Clinton and say to the media that she would make a good President for the USA is a Republican who is not to be sliced evenly.

That wacky McCain- he even stroked Hillary! “He strokes it to the left, he strokes it to the right, Pastor Swank is feelin’ jealous ’cause McCain just stroked his wife… HE BE STROKIN’!”

Furthermore, it just appears every time McCain is lauded on Meet the Press or any other news talk-out, he’s glowing to the maximum when groomed for the next Oval Office superintendent.

Hey, you’d be glowing too if you got to stroke it as much as McCain, Pastor Swank. “He strokes on CNN, he strokes on Meet the Press, he’ll book himself on “This Week” and stroke Stephan-opou-los… HE BE STROKIN’!”

Anyhow, the latest give-away on McCain for being other than a true-blue upright Republican is his appearing in an R-rated Hollywood movie. Not only that, he considers is okay. In fact, he considers it a part of the nation’s legitimate laughter genre.

Yeah, the only legitimate laughter genres in my book are the inadvertent comedy stylings of Pastor Joseph Grant Swank, Jr.

And yet this is the same McCain who warned Congress of the country going to hell in a raunchy handbasket? Yes it is.

So now we are back to a two-mouthed McCain which is exactly what RINOs are. So it doesn’t take a PhD to conclude once again that the Republican sane would be totally out of orbit even to think of nominating McCain for the highest office in the land.

It’s pretty sad to think that Pastor Swank represents the sane wing of the Republican Party, but when you consider that Rick Santorum is the #3 guy in the Senate, it’s probably true.

According to the latest Matt Drudge Report, McCain is very much into the movie, The Wedding Crashers. In that take, the cup runneth over – with boobs, sex and strings of foul language.

Boobs and sex and foul language strings, oh my!

The film is awash in all that a family should never see, let alone a moral individual take in as pleasure.

Because no moral person can ever take pleasure in boobs.

This is the kind of stink that McCain pointed to when lecturing Congress on getting more strict against the immoral slime slithering across America. Now he’s seated right in the middle of the slime ? and chuckling all the while.

Well… boobs are pretty humorous…

The upshot of the movie is what producers wanted to break up the summer’s boredom. They concluded that the theaters were bogged down with decent fare and so rushed to insert a rousing naughty bit.

Look, Pastor Swank, I think you’re a nice guy, but I don’t care to hear about where you insert your rousing naughty bit, OK?

So much for the decent folk within the Republican Party ever trusting a totally politically opportunistic presidential wannabe who in the meantime thoroughly tickles to every stroke provided him by either party, even those in Hollywood.

“He strokes it in the Senate, he strokes it on the tube, he even goes to Hollywood and strokes a bunch of boobs… HE BE STROKIN’!”

Column #3: “COME ON, MORAL BLACKS. BACK A MORAL BUSH”

I am white.

No shit!

“My white wife and I adopted a black child when he was 2 l/2 months old.”

“And when he got sick, we took him to a yellow physician. It was like a freakin’ rainbow at the Swank household!”

I have pastored in an all-black North Carolina church. My wife and I were active in the civil rights movement of the l960s.

So it’s with no bias that I state what I state: It’s time for the moral blacks to back a moral US President George W. Bush.

So because Pastor Swank doesn’t hate black people, they should support George W. Bush. Makes sense to me.

This business of Bush being not in favor of blacks is a myth as large as the one endorsing slavery in early America.

Uuhh… is he saying slavery was a myth? That’s not gonna win you many converts, Pastor Swank…

Now whether black or white, if a person is against killing womb babies, that individual would back Mr. Bush. If a person is for keeping America from turning into a totally secularized state ? with religion put on the back burner ready to fall off the stove ? then that citizen is pro-Mr. Bush.

And if a person is barely literate and writes bizarre columns about John McCain stroking boobs- that person is definitely pro-Mr. Bush.

So it comes down to morality versus immorality ? black or white skin shouldn?t count. Yet a number of blacks keep trumpeting praises for the immoral party ? the Dem conclave. And yet many of those same blacks attend churches that still sing heartily “What a Friend We Have in Jesus.”

Black friends: that gospel hymn does not link up with the Dem party line. That hymn only equates with the Bush administration ? plain and simple.

I was kinda skeptical of this claim, so I decided to read the lyrics for myself, and sure enough, Pastor Swank was right:

What a friend we have in Dubya,
Who sends our children off to war!
Gives the privledged lots of tax breaks,
Thank God he stole those votes from Gore!
Oh, what peace we often forfeit,
Through such needless pain we squirm,
It seems that we’ve been made to suffer,
For giving Bush a second term!

So, people, the choice is yours: support Bush, or have Jesus hate you.

 

Comments: 13

 
 
 

When I be strokin’, I always leave my woman sassified. I can tell when my woman is sassified because when she’s sassified, she starts hollerin my name: “Pastor Swanky, Pastor Swanky, Pastor Swanky…”

 
 

Brad, you’re awesome.

Pastor Swank, you’re crazy. And also? You just pointed out that the religious leaders in Jesus’ day said he was Satan. Shouldn’t that mean that you should be realllly careful saying that some being that claims to be the deity is actually the devil??

 
 

And if a person is barely literate and writes bizarre columns about John McCain stroking boobs- that person is definitely pro-Mr. Bush.

*wiping coffee from monitor*

Oh, Swanky, Swanky Swanky. What the fuck kind of pills are you popping and can I have some?

 
 

When I be strokin’, I always leave my woman sassified. I can tell when my woman is sassified because when she’s sassified, she starts hollerin my name: “Pastor Swanky, Pastor Swanky, Pastor Swanky…”

“Stroke it Pastor Swanky, but don’t stroke too fast, and if my stuff ain’t tight enough, you can stick it up my… WOO! I be strokin’!”

 
 

“Come on Moral Blacks, Back Amoral Bush”.

Heh.

 
 

This business of Bush being not in favor of blacks is a myth as large as the one endorsing slavery in early America.

Uuhh… is he saying slavery was a myth? That’s not gonna win you many converts, Pastor Swank…

I think he is speaking of a “myth” that “endors[ed] slavery in early America”. That is, there was a myth common in early America that justified slavery; I’m not sure which myth he is refering to however (myth of bibical justification, blacks as lesser/non humans, etc). But I may be wrong.

Of course, his description of The Wedding Crashers just made me want to see it more. I like nothing better than long, gooy strings of foul language.

 
 

Isn’t slavery approved of in the Bible? So shouldn’t Pastor Swank be in favor of it? Or is he a moral relativist?

“Raunchy handbasket.” HAHAHA

Also, if you say enough times that Islam (a major world religion, whose Allah is the same as the Christian God) is a Satanic cult, why, then it magically becomes true.

 
 

No kidding- McCain in The Wedding Crashers?
Fuckin’ A- I have got to see that.
(McCain + Boobs + Cursing = Sweet. He was actually pretty funny on SNL- granted, my standards for SNL has fallen dramatically over the years).

 
 

I think a truly moral man would use the word “breasts” rather than “boobs.”

 
 

Honey, I knew I had forgotten to mention *something* he said, but there was just so much to remember.

 
 

Does that standing by Hillary thing work if you substitute another politician for her? I mean, if I stood right by Wes Clark and said he’d make a fine president, does that mean I couldn’t be julienned?

 
 

…a totally politically opportunistic presidential wannabe who in the meantime thoroughly tickles to every stroke provided him by either party, even those in Hollywood.
The lyricism of Pastor Swank’s prose, the images that it evokes, the “Huh?” that is uttered with the reading and re-reading of every line are unequaled in literature today. (Thank God!)

And what’s with the “global” stuff? I’ve noticed he uses it in nearly every column. Should we send him a thesaurus?

 
 

It’s a pretty middling film. Not worth seeing just for McCain.

 
 

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