Actual White House press gaggle questions from Les Kinsolving
Les Kinsolving, talk radio host and White House reporter
‘Actual’ in the sense that one of them is real. Can you spot the real one? [Additional reporting by Pinko Punko, John Cleland, Ice Weasel, Bistroist, Yosef, Jeff Perado, teh l4m3, and the SadNo staff.]
LES: Scott, it’s well known that the liberal media in this fine nation of ours, a nation where the sun never sets on freedom, are all traitors and should be, in a truly Christian system, stoned to death under Mosiac law. Has the President, in fact, ordered lunch yet today?
And as a follow-up, since I can fellate myself, do you think that might finally get me an administration job? Can you put in a good word with Karl?
LES: Scott, sometimes when I go number two, I can see stuff that I just ate, and it still looks the same, like corn or the occasional peanut. Does the president have a comment?
LES: Scott, White House officials have frequently scoffed at the efficacy of the U.N. and its ability to function. Does this mean, Scott, that the President intends to disregard the dire threat to America posed by the Bible-burning, gun-snatching heathens in blue helmets who every night fly over my house in black helicopters?
LES: Scott, it has recently been revealed to me by the Frankstein Monster Mind Control Computers that the Nephilim have been eating all my Grape Nuts cereal and leaving leprechaun eggs in the box as a substitute. How long does the President plan to allow Hollywood liberals to feast on the still-warm brains of aborted womb-babies? Does the new Pope plan to excommunicate L. Ron Hubbard? Why am I here? My stomach itches.
LES: Scott, is carpet a car, or a pet? Squeal! Chased by biting pumpkins! Wah. Sorry, Scott. Scott, does the President think a tax on tacks will make Hungary hungry? And if so, does your chewing gum lose its flavor on the bedpost overnight? I have extra gum — just saying. Back atcha, Scott.
LES: Scott, I just do not get Fafblog. Do you think Giblets is dangerous to the US goals in Iraq? He seems quite unstable.
LES: Could the President comment on the new Harry Potter book? I know it isn’t out yet, but certainly the Great Reader in chief has already read it? Perhaps it has already been shelved by our First Librarian on the White House bookshelf? Does Harry finally, you know, get some?
LES: Didj’ever notice those airline peanuts? What’s up with those, anyway? Aiee! Bugs on me! Does the President think the Devil is aluminum, and is aluminum the metal of the past or the future — and by that I mean the revealed future of St. John. Over to you, Scott…
LES: Scott, last night I was watching television, and I saw an ad that told me that I should ‘get back in the game’ by purchasing drugs to make my penis hard. Does the President feel Americans that take such drugs are mocking God’s will that they be impotent? And if not, would the President ever think about using said drugs to ‘get back in the game’ when he gets to be Bob Dole’s age?
LES: Scott, has the President ever had an itchy spot on his back that he just couldn’t reach? And if so, could he give me advice on how to scratch it?
LES: Scott, I have a date tonight. I wanted to know if the president had a comment on whether the “backrub” approach was too forward. Also, I wanted to see a film, the choices are “The Notebook” and “The Notebook” Or should we just read “Left Behind” to one another? Kickin’ it back, Scottie Mac!
LES: Scott, a friend of mine slept with a hooker last month, and now he feels a burning sensation every time he urinates. Does the President have any idea what might be causing this?
LES: Scott, I was at the mall recently and the Lord directed me to go into Hot Topic, where I was bedeviled by black-lip-glossed vixens that excited me so much that I rubbed my manhood on a Napoleon Dynamite throw pillow. Does this make me gay? Also, does the President have my car keys?
LES: Scott, if you had an infinite number of woodchucks, and an infinite amount of wood, and these woodchuck could indeed chuck wood, do you think they’d eventually create a wooden replica of the Taj Mahal?
LES: Scott, is the President into gladiator movies? ‘Cause I just rented a whole stash, and if he’d be interested in coming over to my place…
SCOTT: I can’t take it any more! At least Gannon was the mack in the sack! WHAT THE HELL ARE YOU TALKING ABOUT??
LES: Scott, since President William Howard Taft became Chief Justice after his presidency, you would not rule out the President nominating former law school professor Bill Clinton to the Supreme Court, would you? And if you wouldn’t, we can report that President Clinton is under consideration, can’t we?
LES: The liberals are spreading vicious rumors that the President is a metrosexual. I happen to know that not only does the president only use Head ‘n’ Shoulders on his hair, but he washes the rest of his body with it as well. Will the president be responding to this smear campaign by the liberals?
LES: Scott, pull my finger. No, just kidding. Scott, what does the President think about the Soviets flooding our American water supply with toxic fluoride? And by Soviet, I mean Islamic or possibly North Korean, and will the President be hotsy-totsy tonight, or can you send me a note in private? Throwin’ it right back to the Scottster.
LES: Scott, did you see the President today? Did he mention me? He isn’t answering questions from some new younger reporter, is he? Why won’t he just return my phone calls?
Umm…why are The Editor’s blantant acts of kitten agression going unanswered?
Somebody wipe my brains from my monitor. My exploded head is keeping me from seeing the post clearly. Curse you Les Kinsolving!
Not enough implied chastisement of the Bush WH. Better yet:
“Scott, White House officials have frequently scoffed at the efficacy of the U.N. and its ability to function. Does this mean, Scott, that the President intends to disregard the dire threat to America posed by the Bible-burning, gun-snatching heathens in blue helmets who every night fly over my house in black helicopters?”
Fixed; refresh the page.
Les: “Scott, if you get an erection when your dog licks your face, is that wrong? I mean, it’s something a friend of mine asked me the other day, and I was wondering what the President’s thoughts were.”
The real one is the one about Bill Clinton becoming a Justice, right? That’s just cruel, to put that idea in our heads.
The Clinton one is real, isn’t it.
Why are they hurting me by dangling the idea of Justice William Clinton in front of me? Bush could never possibly do something that cool.
“Why are they hurting me by dangling the idea of Justice William Clinton in front of me?”
It doesn’t really hurt when Clinton dangles in front of me…it just feels real, real good.
KIT-TENS!…KIT-TENS!…KIT-TENS!
LES: Scott, I have a large, angry-red pustuole one my left butt cheek. Despite repeated attempts to pop it, it has yet to yield. Indeed, I believe the problem is only spreading across to my right cheek- or God-forbid, my ‘taint.
Does the President plan on taking any action on the potential ‘taint situation, or will he let the evil continue to spread?
This is a tough one..
Scott: Les, the threat posed to your perineum by the freedom-hating pustuole is the result of the failed policies promoted by former Secretary of State Colon Powell. Next question…
Scott, I have a large, angry-red pustule on my left butt cheek.
There’s a series of books about that. Tim LaHaye and that other guy.
Aaaarghhhhh! Don’t get me started on LaHaye… You might not like me when I’m anrgy.
Les: Scott, Kaye Grogan dressed me in this flattering leopard print blouse by Armani, short zebra-striped miniskirt, and Prada crocodile-skin stiletto heels.
Does this make me look fat?
Les: Scott, the liberal media has been relentless in characterizing your silence as ‘stone-walling’. Wouldn’t it be more accurate to call it ‘tea-bagging’? And a couple follow-ups…What does Karl?s sac taste like and can I be next?
Les is a great find, and he’s way better then Gannondorf.
Link’s archenemy was just a shill, whereas Les is a batshit crazy wildcard. I mean, can you imagine Gannon saying anything like that quote about Clinton?
Les: Scott, does the White House have any comment regarding the FBI leak that a radical centrist planted the near-fatal pretzel?
And a follow-up, Scott: If that damn dog hadn’t barked who would be President today?
These are great! Good work, Gavin! Until now, my favorite Les Kinsolving question was the one about whether the President had a plan on how to deal with sodomite scoutmasters, but yours are better.
My money is on the woodchucks because it relates to the presidents cowardly refusal to push for a constitutional amendment mandating the ID be taught in schools.
I actually like Mr. Kinsolving because he asks the questions that really follow naturally from the wingnut worldview. He calls the WH to task for its occasional forays into sound policy.