Darr, he blows!

Our smooth-pated Pericles of the retail-management profession, Justin Darr, has manned his jaunty pen again, creating what you’d have to call a piece of intentional fiction — as opposed to the usual, accidental kind for which we love him so well.


An evil plan is brewing at the mosque — and that’s ‘Plan’ with a capital ‘P,’ and that rhymes with ‘T,’ and that stands for…Terror.

?Hi, I?d like to report four men carrying a four foot long heavy box with a blinking red light on it into the back of the local mosque.?

?Hmm. What makes you think this is a threat??

Because the Imam is going to be super-pissed when he hears the beats from that turntable setup. Even in the decadent West, crunkin’ in the mosque is strictly harem.

No, really. Because the blinking light is red? Those four-foot-long heavy boxes that explode harmlessly in a shower of candy and lotto tickets have a green light on them, so you can tell the difference.

No, seriously. They’ve stolen the Tardis, and Dr. Who is chasing the Daleks on a bicycle. Okay, fine: A four-foot-long heavy box with a red, blinking light on it — that’s a bomb. And the littler ones look like black bowling balls with fuses sticking out of them, and go, ‘Sssss…’ Bombs.

?Well, when they dropped the box they all ran away screaming and hid behind a concrete wall, then one of them yelled, ?No! it must be buried in the school playground first!?

They knew they’d gotten something wrong: Bomb not go in mosque; bomb go in playground. Then the big, fat terrorist smacked the little, skinny terrorist with his hat, saying, “Oop! Is another fine mess you have got us into!” Clearly, around the globe, these mad Abduls are all running around stepping on garden rakes and falling off ladders into wheelbarrows full of cow poop, spraying each other with seltzer bottles and slipping on banana peels. Are you scared by this scenario? I’m shaking like granite in a zephyr, man.

?So, you are saying that just because these men are Muslims, they must be planning a terrorist attack on a school. Well, you are nothing but a big fascist.

A big fascist is you, and nothing but!

You see, the thing about this dialogue is that it sounds like actual people talking. Not like your David Mamet stuff.

If we send an officer, we might aggravate these poor people?s stress at having dropped their obviously very important box with a blinking red light before they could bury it at the school. Sorry, sir, but we are far more intelligent, moral, and compassionate than you.?

“But these are the same men who just last week showed up at my neighbor?s house and asked if he had an extra radiation/biohazard suit because theirs got torn on a centrifuge in their basement. And, when he said ?No?, one of them ran up, stabbed his dog and yelled ?You?re next, infidel.??

Ok, a blinking red light means a nuclear bomb. So they’re brilliant enough to build first a centrifuge, then a nuclear bomb in their basement — with the regulation blinking red light and everything — but dumb enough to…wait just a second here: buried in the school playground? Isn’t the entire point of a nuclear bomb that it can blow up stuff larger than a playground?

These guys are like the Worser Meinhof — they’re the Abu Dhampling Gang. I can barely balance this pencil on my nose, I’m trembling so badly.

?Yes, we made the mistake of investigating that report, and the men in question said the dog was suicidal out of guilt over America?s occupation of Iraq. They tried to help, but there was nothing they could do. And their radiation/biohazard suits are used for nothing but protecting themselves from the ravages the Bush Administration has inflicted on the environment.?

This is starting to seem contrived.

?Did you look in the basement??

?That?s confidential, sir. Anyhow, our sting operation at the Kiwanis Club has failed to yield any international terrorist suspects, so if we would investigate these men again that would make two investigations in a row of the same religious group, so we must find a two or three non-Muslim international terrorist suspects in town to investigate first to ensure that we are being inclusive in our criminal prosecutions before we go back. Maybe we can take a look at it in six months or so.? […]

Those lousy, lachrymose, loony-tuney liberals! Why, if we had a Republican in the Oval Office, this wanton disregard for America’s security would… Er, um, if Congress were controlled by the Republicans, this would never… Uh, mm, er, if Republicans controlled all three branches of government, then we…

If those loony-liberal dum-dum-Democrats hadn’t pushed for that goofy Department of Homeland Security and agitated for so-called ‘port security,’ while the Bush Administration systematically resisted and underfunded…um, er, ah…

Well anyway, if a bomb goes off blasting Manhattan to glass, we’ll be thinking about one of our favorite episodes of Classic Darr, the immortally-entitled column, A Funny Thing Happened To Me On The Way To My Destruction (in that circumstance, comedy would indeed be as tinder to spark), which informs us that it’s all (somehow) John Kerry’s fault.

After years of budget cut backs and inane politically correct policies, the American intelligence services have been rendered too impotent to provide any reliable information about America?s threats from abroad. The only thing that is certain is, thanks to the cowardice of the Spanish, Islamists are going to try to stage a terrorist attack in the United States in an attempt to put John Kerry into the White House. Regardless of whatever rhetoric the Kerry Campaign may try to spin, the fact remains that our enemies see a Kerry Presidency as their best, if not only chance for victory in the War on Terror.

Because we’re so much safer now, is the thing, Justin, right? Wait, you’ve got something on your shirt. No, really. [Whap!] It’s amazing; no matter how many times you fool him, he always falls for it again. Wait, hold on: you’ve got something on your shirt. No, for real this time. [Yoink!] Hey look, you’ve got… [Fap!]


Comments: 19


Hey, the Darr man was just voted off the island over at Wo’C, show that poor, beaten empty shell of a former wingnut star a little respect!



He is on the way to destruction! He has no chance to…oh, fuck it.


It burns. It burns like idiocy!


So there are guys carrying bomb-like objects to Mosques where people can see them talking to each other in loud broken English. Is that what he’s trying to say because I don’t quite understand.


You may think it sounds dumb, but you should have seen how moved the people were at the cosmetics counter at Sears!


“well, i’m pissed. and haven’t gotten a hard on since 9/11 without seeing muslims in agony, so I’m gonna burn them out, better sent the F.D.”

“have you tried viagra”

“you need a partner for that, I dont want to go blind, do you think I’m insane or something, geez.”

“Very well sir, F.D. will be dispatched. Godspeed”


I hate it when Vladimir Putin’s whore-child tries his hand at exciting fan-fiction starring himself.


Boy, that straw man sure burns good when you use a little Sterno! No, not as lighter fluid, as a beverage.


I love the conservatroid logic- since Arabs are responsible for some bombings, we must assume they will bomb anything any chance they get, thereby reaffirming my position as top of the racial food chain, and anyone who calls me a racist is clearly a politically-correct wussy who doesn’t understand the threat at hand! Yess!

Gah. What is so astonishing is that these people breed.


Yeah, the constant conflation of ‘Muslims’ and ‘terrorists’ is infuriating. It sounds creepily like the rhetoric used against Jews in the ’30s — not just in Europe, but in America.


Exactly why were they making a stop at the mosque with the bomb? And does the blinking light mean it’s already armed, because that seems stupid. If he’s going to write this crap, he could at least try for a coherent plot.


Oy. That’s all I gotta say.


Yes, we should let people who don’t understand the difference between “Muslim” and “Arab” dictate our government policy.

That video deposition of Bush’s FBI counterterrorism chief admitting he didn’t know basic facts about bin Laden and could not explain the difference between Shia and Sunni sects of Islam… that was chilling.


and you know, with no disrespect meant to those amongst us who may or may not qualify for this as well but what the hell is it about wingnut sites? They all look the same. Absolutely no sense of design. No aesthetic considerations. Just a dreadful cobbled up collection of every blinking GIF image, animated banner, advertising for every snake-oil-crackpot product imaginable, as well as some truly horrifyingly bad writing.

Just take ten non-pro lefty sites and ten random non-pro wingnut sites, you’ll see what I mean.

It’s weird. It’s as though the wingnuts all their sites done by the same person.

Add to that not one of these shiftless assholes pays for a domain, they’re all tripod, AOL, whatever free service they can squat on. Doesn’t sound all that capitalist to me.


oh sorry, the above rant should be credited to me.


These guys are like the Worser Meinhof — they’re the Abu Dhampling Gang.
LOL! I’ll just clean my monitor now.


Classic. Forget about that genocide place — this is the answer to “What’s a Darr For?”


The Fabulous Sharon Needles: “Hi, I?d like to report a guy carrying a capped-off lead pipe with a fuse on it into this storefront church.”

Backwoods Good-Ole-Boy Cop: “Hmm. What makes you think this is a threat?”

TFSN: “Well, when they dropped the pipe they all ran away screaming and hid behind a concrete wall, then one of them yelled, ‘No! it must be planted at the gay bar first!”

BGOBC: “So, you are saying that just because these men are Christians, they must be planning a terrorist attack on a sodomite hang-out. Well, you are nothing but a big faggot.”


As satire, this isn’t even “sledgehammer-on-the-watermelon”. It’s “sledgehammer MISSES watermelon, bounces back, smacks Justin in the face, and knocks his head up his ass.”


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