Ah Yes… If Only…

Michelle Malkin writes:

White House press secretary Scott McClellan got grilled yesterday afternoon on Rove/Plame-mania and came under intense pressure from the MSM hounds […] I actually have no problem with McClellan getting justifiably barked at during his daily briefings (if only we had more Les Kinsolvings to press the White House from the right, especially on illegal immigration).

Ah yes, if only! For those of you who don’t know, Kinsolving is WorldNetDaily’s White House correspondent, and he’s officially taken Jeff Gannon’s job as the press gaggle’s court jester. Let’s check out his greatest hits:


WND: Senator Chuck Hagel is quoted by U.S. News & World Report as saying, “Things aren’t getting better; they’re getting worse. The White House is completely disconnected from reality. The reality is we’re losing in Iraq.” And my first question: Would you deny that Al-Jazeera loves such statements by Republican senators and Senator Durbin?

Because nothing emboldens our enemies more than exercising our Constitutionally-protected right to criticize our incompetent Commander-in-Chief.


WND: Since the president is scheduled to attend a Republican fund-raiser on June the 14th, which will also be attended by California gubernatorial candidate and porn star Mary Carey, what guarantee does the White House have that she will do nothing pornographic at this event? What will be done if she does?

I think I’ve said this before, but I’m pretty sure they arrest people for doing pornographic things in public…


WND: There are news reports this morning that parents and children who were guests of the president when they visited Congress wore stickers with the wording, “I was an embryo.” And my question is, since all of us were once embryos and all of us were once part sperm and egg, is the president also opposed to contraception, which stops this union and kills both sperm and egg?

“Scott, I have a follow-up. Since billions of sperm are killed every time a man ejaculates, shouldn’t we be raising more awareness about the plight of these miniature tadpole Americans?”


WND: Scott, in Maryland, Catholic U.S. Sen. Barbara Mikulski supports the semi-infanticide of partial-birth abortion. And Sister Jeannine Gramick, whom Cardinal Ratzinger personally ordered to stop promoting sodomy acceptance, has called his election as pope devastating. And my question: Does the president believe this new pontiff will never excommunicate either Mikulski or Gramick?

Why Kinsolving thinks evangelical protestant George W. Bush would be an expert on the Vatican’s policy for excommunicating Democrats is beyond me. For once, Scott McLellan has every justification for referring a reporter to another source:

McCLELLAN: You know, Les, you might want to direct some of these questions to the Vatican.

Uhm, no shit.


WND: What is the president’s reaction to the record number of vandalisms of Christian Christmas displays across the country and the widespread removal of Christianity from college and store holiday displays?

“As a follow-up, how does he feel about recent report in the Washington Times that four out of five Democrats nationwide abort their children and feed the leftover biological goo to their pet dogs?”


WND: At the president’s news conference, when the Washington Times informed him of the story that AP later had to retract about Arafat’s death, the president said, quote, “God bless his soul.” And my question: Did the president mean to say, “God cleanse his soul”? Or is the president a universalist in believing that everybody goes to Heaven?

“Scott, the President isn’t one of those pansy-ass Christians who thinks people from other religions can go to Heaven, is he? I mean, doesn’t he think Albert Einstein is in hell? What about Gandhi? C’mon, the president surely believes Gandhi’s burning in hell, right?”

Also, I just love this:

Each week, WorldNetDaily White House correspondent Les Kinsolving asks the tough questions almost no one else will ask.

Gee, I wonder why.


Comments: 33


Wow, Les is a shoo-in for the next Uncut Golden Stiffy award!


Len: “Scott, sometimes when I go number two, I can see stuff that I just ate, and it still looks the same, like corn or the occasional peanut. Does the president have a comment?”


The thing is, Gannon, the king of thieves, asked questions that made the administration look good.

These questions, besides being idiotic, seem to have the effect of criticising the President for not being Christian enough.

Seriously, how could you answer any of these questions?


“Scott, sometimes when I go number two, I can see stuff that I just ate, and it still looks the same, like corn or the occasional peanut. Does the president have a comment?”



Len: “Scott, I just do not get fafblog. Do you think giblets is dangerous to the US goals in Iraq? He seems quite unstable.”


I meant LES
damn comments


LES: “Could the president comment on the new Harry Potter book? I know it isn’t out yet, but certainly the Great Reader in chief has already read it? Perhaps it has already been shelved by our First librarian on the White House bookshelf? Does Harry finally, you know, get some?”


Les: D’jever notice those airline peanuts? What’s up with those, anyway? Aiee! Bugs on me! Does the President think the Devil is aluminum, and is aluminum the metal of the past or the future — and by that I mean the revealed future of St. John. Over to you, Scott…


Les: “Scott, last night I was watching television, and I saw an ad that told me that I should ‘get back in the game’ by purchasing drugs to make my penis hard. Does the President feel Americans that take such drugs are mocking God’s will that they be impotent? And if not, would the President ever think about using said drugs to ‘get back in the game’ when he gets to be Bob Dole’s age?


Les: “Scott, has the President ever had an itchy spot on his back that he just couldn’t reach? And if so, could he give me advice on how to scratch it?”


You guys are making my rolly polly stomach jiggle with little schoolgirl laughter.

Les: “Scott, I have a date tonight. I wanted to know if the president had a comment on whether the “backrub” approach was too forward. Also, I wanted to see a film, the choices are “The Notebook” and “The Notebook” Or should we just read “Left Behind” to one another? Kickin’ it back, Scottie Mac!”

I simply cannot wait for Michelle Malkin to make an appearance on “Monday Goldberg Theatre” our sources say “maybe next week!” and “probably not next week, but the week after!”


Les: “Scott, I consider my erect penis- engorged with blood- to be the equivalent of a blood-swollen tick, desperate to do the devil’s work by biting an unsuspecting victim. Should I burn it off like a tick, or pluck it out? The Surgeon general remains silent on this issue. Please comment.”


Les: “Scott, it has recently been revealed to me by the Frankstein Mobster Mind Control Computers that the Nephilim have been eating all my Grape Nuts cereal and leaving leprechaun eggs in the box as a substitute. How long does the President plan to allow Hollywood liberals to feast on the still-warm brains of aborted womb-babies? Does the new Pope plan to excommunicate L. Ron Hubbard? Why am I here? My stomach itches.”


LES: “Scott, it’s well known that the liberal media in this fine nation of ours, a nation where the sun never sets on freedom, are all traitors and should be, in a truly christian system, stoned to death under mosiac law. Has the president, in fact, ordered lunch yet today?

And as a follow-up, since can fellate myself, do you think that might finally get me an admimistration job? Can you put in a good word with karl?”


Are you kidding? WORLD NET DAILY has their own White House correspondent?And here I thought my opinion of the Bush Administration couldn’t possibly sink any lower.


Les: “Scott, a friend of mine slept with a hooker last month, and now he feels a burning sensation every time he urinates. Does the President have any idea what might be causing this?”


Scott, if you had an infinite number of woodchucks, and an infinite amount of wood, and these woodchuck could indeed chuck wood, do you think they’d eventually create a wooden replica of the Taj Mahal?


Yeah, a “friend” slept with a hooker! Les, on that note “I have a friend that constantly masturbates to monkey porn, is there help for him/her?”


Les: “Scott, is the President into gladiator movies? ‘Cause I just rented a whole stash, and if he’d be interested in coming over to my place…”


Les: “Scott, I was at the mall recently and the Lord directed me to go into Hot Topic, where I was bedeviled by black-lip-glossed vixens that excited me so much that I rubbed my manhood on a Napoleon Dynamite throw pillow. Does this make me gay? Also, does the President have my car keys?”


Scott: ” I can’t take it any more!!!!!!!!! At least Gannon was the mack in the sack! WHAT THE HELL ARE YOU TALKING ABOUT??”


Hehehe, either it’s very late and I need to get some sleep, or this thread is teh funny.

Les was pure gold in today’s gaggle, as well, interrupting the continuous barrage of questions about Rove to get an answer to this vital issue:

Q Does the President believe that it is outrageous for a Los Angeles advertising man to be conducting a campaign to persuade the town selectmen of Weare, New Hampshire, to approve the building of a hotel on the land where Justice Souter’s house is located? Or does he regard this as an historic irony resulting from Souter’s vote in the case of Kelo versus the City of New London

MR. McCLELLAN: I haven’t seen anything on it. Jim, go ahead.

Q You didn’t see anything on it? You’d like to evade this one, wouldn’t you.

MR. McCLELLAN: No, I haven’t seen anything on it, Les. I like to see reports before I comment on it.

Or this one, from a few days ago.

Q Scott, since President William Howard Taft became Chief Justice after his presidency, you would not rule out the President nominating former law school professor Bill Clinton to the Supreme Court, would you? And if you wouldn’t, we can report that President Clinton is under consideration, can’t we?

MR. McCLELLAN: Well, that’s the first time I’ve heard that name suggested. I know there are a lot of names being suggested out there, and you know that I’m not going to get into speculating about any particular names.

Q One follow-up. Considering the widespread interest and the absolutely frantic Democrat reaction to Karl Rove’s excellent speech to conservatives last month, does the President hope that Karl will give a lot more speeches?

MR. McCLELLAN: He continues to give speeches. He was traveling this weekend talking about the importance of strengthening Social Security. And he has continued to go out and give speeches.

(both via Holden’s Obsession)


Les: Scott, is carpet a car, or a pet? Squeal! Chased by biting pumpkins! Wah. Sorry, Scott. Scott, does the President think a tax on tacks will make Hungary hungry? And if so, does your chewing gum lose its flavor on the bedpost overnight? I have extra gum — just saying. Back atcha, Scott.


The dangerous Gavin M. Causing shorts to be soiled* througout the land with his special brand of mockery and crockery.

*It is a scientific fact that upon hanging or extreme mirth, the commander brain cell gives the order to “Release the bowels!” Upon which the individual either dies, or achieves an equilibrium between his former mirth and his sadness with his current situation of having to change his shorts.

The Dark Avenger

Les says stuff that’s more like this(From WKRP in Cincinnati):

Les: Bailey, you’re his friend. What do you really know about Venus?
Bailey: You promise not to tell?
Les: I swear.
Bailey: Well, uh… you’re gonna think this is a little crazy at first, but uh… I think he’s black.
But, unfortunately, not like this:

You know, if it wasn’t for my sense of humor, I would swear I was losing my mind.

Some of us know the feeling, after reading some of the stuff from World Nut Daily.


Les: “The liberals are spreading vicious rumors that the President is a metrosexual. I happen to know that not only does the president only use Head n’ Shoulders on his hair, but he washes the rest of his body with it as well. Will the president be responding to this smear campaign by the liberals?”


Les: Scott, pull my finger. No, just kidding. Scott, what does the President think about the Soviets flooding our American water supply with toxic fluoride? And by Soviet, I mean Islamic or possibly North Korean, and will the President be hotsy-totsy tonight, or can you send me a note in private? Throwin’ it right back to the Scottster.


Les: “Scott, did you see the President today? Did he mention me? He isn’t answering questions from some new yuonger reporter is he? Why won’t he just return my phone calls?”


Y’all are gonna make me pee. Why does Gavin hate my pants?


Funniest. Comment. Thread. EVER.

Long may you snark, you bunch of America-haters.


I agree, Uncle Kvetch. Without a doubt, the funniest ever. I am here at work, a quiet place, and am going through amazing facial contortions to keep the laughter from spilling out. I bite my lips and shake silently.
Much love to all.


Les was Les long before Gannon. And, yes, he’s always been this crazy. God have mercy on those who actually live in his media market.

(And, also true, Bush *is* one of those awful universalists who think a “conscious Christianity” is not necessary for salvation. Like Billy Graham. Or Bonhoeffer.)


See how it works everyone? Yosef makes a comment and you immediately get this stuff:

Y’all are gonna make me pee. Why does Gavin hate my pants?

Posted by res publica at July 13, 2005 06:58 PM

Funniest. Comment. Thread. EVER.

Long may you snark, you bunch of America-haters.

Posted by Uncle Kvetch at July 13, 2005 07:44 PM

I agree, Uncle Kvetch. Without a doubt, the funniest ever. I am here at work, a quiet place, and am going through amazing facial contortions to keep the laughter from spilling out. I bite my lips and shake silently.

Much love to all.

Posted by Lucy at July 13, 2005 08:03 PM

I’ll be here all zee week


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