Another Classic Newsmax Ad

Newsmax must be really desperate for revenue if they’re accepting ads like this:


I mean, miracle breathing scams and ancient Chinese love-making secrets are one thing, but come on, the Mark of the Beast? How stupid do they think their readers are?

Well, if this website is any indication, they think their readers are appallingly stupid. Seriously, Newsmax readers shouldn’t be allowed to brush their teeth unless they use special brushes designed with extra-soft protective padding to prevent them from accidentally gouging out their eyes. I mean, just look at this:

Veronica Lueken, the seer of Bayside, is a wife and mother of five children. She lived on Long Island, New York. The story of her heavenly visitations goes back to the year 1968 when St. Theresa began appearing to her and dictating sacred poem-messages. St. Theresa prepared Veronica for the first heavenly visitation of Our Lady in 1970. Before this Veronica had not received any manifestations from Heaven.

So this woman from Long Island claims that the Virgin Mary has visited her several times and has told her prophecies about the end of the world. Reasonable people will ask at this point, “Is she out of her goddamn mind?” I’m not a trained psychiatrist, so I’m not qualified to make such a diagnosis, but I think this picture of Veronica should tell you everything you need to know:


As you can see, she’s dressed like Linus in the Peanuts’ Christmas special:


While this doesn’t make her insane per se, I think it’s a pretty good indicator that she’s not not insane.

OK, let’s continue:

This web site is the greatest source of end times prophecy. The Bayside Prophecies will give you great wisdom and comfort in a troubled world.

I don’t find much comfort in the world ending, personally.

With these prophecies you will discover how to prepare your family and loved ones for these last days.

With duct tape and plastic wrap?

You will be free from the anxiety and worry of the things to come.

Yes, you can take comfort that terrorists are about to nuke your house!

I decided to peak at some of these comforting prophecies to relieve my anxiety and worry. Here are some of the highlights:

“Through Mexico to U. S. with missiles: Red invasion from Nicaragua”

“AIDS – plague from God – “I shall not allow a cure'”

“A killer comet hovers – At least a billion people will perish”

“Children being taught to kill! Parents prime targets”

Gee, I feel better already!

But here’s my personal favorite prophecy, called “Russia has a powerful Particle Beam Death Ray Gun Weapon”:

The Soviet scientific attention to Tesla’s a last living assistant has even more ominous implications when one realizes that the U.S.S.R. is using nuclear fusion energy research in the creation of their horrible new PARTICLE BEAM DEATH RAY WEAPON.

Is it coincidence that the Particle Beam Death Ray Weapon has the initials “PBR” in it? I think not. Obviously, the Ruskies are planning to poison us with Pabst Blue Ribbon!

Above: The Swill of the Beast.

General George Keegan, retired Air Force Chief of Intelligence, has devoted great energy to warning the American people about the immense danger of the Soviet particle beam weapon. Keegan’s warnings met strong objections from the Rockefeller-CFR political flunkies who control the Pentagon.

I’d never heard of General Keegan before, but he had some pretty crazy followers, including Lyndon LaRouche:

During mid-1977, Keegan met with associates of mine from the Fusion Energy Foundation (FEF). He outlined his study, and identified the difficulties he had had with colleagues and opponents such as Graham. He asked FEF to provide him an assessment of some of the crucial evidence which Graham et al. had ridiculed.

So after the Pentagon laughed at Keegan’s “death ray” theory, he decided to take his research to more, shall we say, open-minded people: namely, Lyndon LaRouche’s cult.

Anyway, you can read Veronica’s report on the Mark of the Beast here if you feel like giving yourself a migrane. But far more entertaining is Veronica’s list of Satanic “Secret Societies” which were dictated to her by Jesus:

“Much of your money from the world’s capitals arrives in New York. These moneys are being gathered to start another war. There is a group in your nation called the Illuminati. They are made up of the major money holders, and for money they have sold their souls and the souls of thousands.” – Jesus, October 1, 1988

I dunno when Jesus became a paranoid anti-Semite, but his 2,000 year absence from Earth hasn’t done a lot of good for his mental state.


Comments: 10


How stupid do they think their readers are? How high is “up”? How deep is a bottomless pit??


With these prophecies you will discover how to prepare your family and loved ones for these last days.

First, partition your family and loved ones into several large baking pans. Marinate for 12 hours in “Jesus-Christ” brand-name “THESE PEOPLE ARE FUCKING NUTBALLS” sauce. Bake at 350F until golden brown and flakey on the outside, or until Armageddon.


Sometime when I’m very drunk I can see myself calling my parents and asking how long we’d have to go without a rapture before they’d entertain the idea that it’s make believe.

Very very drunk.


It occured to me last night that, strictly speaking, every weapon is a particle weapon. In the case of a 19th-century siege cannon, for example, the particle is an iron ball weighing fifty pounds.



So, has the Soiviet Union’s complete collapse affected their death ray plans?


Damn, I may have already been compromised. I love PBR!!!


If you like PBR, you may have more serious problems than being Satan’s meat puppet.

They call me MISTER Georgie!

I don’t think it makes it any less funny (or these proclamations from Jeebus any less believable to the terminally stupid), but I found reading Veronica’s bio that she died back in 1995 at the age of 72. I thoroughly recommend listening to the archived realaudio versions of her prophecies for the full effect of her Crazy-Old-Lady-From-Long-Island-You-Punks-Keep-Off-My-Lawn-Or-I’ll-Call-The-Cops style dialect…


“So, has the Soiviet Union’s complete collapse affected their death ray plans?”

HAH! So you believe the so-called “Soviet Union” has collapsed! Now who’s being naive? Such a model tyranny could never fall. Obviously, news of their “collapse” was actually a cover story for their sucessful world domination – One-World-Government is upon us!

Well, that was fun.


(comments are closed)