The First Thing I’d Do If Edward Daley Were President? Flee
At Gavin’s request, I’ve decided to pay more attention to Renew America’s Edward Daley. I’m already regretting it.
Today, Edward makes a “Top 10 List” of the things he’d do if he were president. Since I’m writing a presidential platform of my own, I was hoping Edward’s piece would give me some fresh ideas (so far, my agenda consists of having sex in the Oval Office and forcing the State Department to bake me pies).
Unfortunately, this was all I got:
10 things I’d do if I were the Commander-In-Chief
Edward Daley
If I became the President of the United States tomorrow, the first thing I’d do is hold a press conference, and condemn the actions of the Republican “moderates” who sold out their constituents during the recent filibuster fight in the Senate. I’d call them cowards for not supporting those outstanding judicial nominees who’ve been constantly denigrated by liberals over the past two years, and leave no doubt in anyone’s mind that I was NOT concerned with my party, but with the moral and ethical foundation upon which conservatism is built.
I.e., passing pork-barrel spending bills to please lobbyists, running up record deficits, and using federal tax dollars to push religious dogma.
The second thing I’d do is denounce the Supreme Court as an increasingly fascistic entity, which has, time and again, overstepped its authority as a co-equal branch of the U.S government, and then quote Justice Scalia’s various reproaches of that body’s more contemptible decisions in defense of my position.
I’m sure Scalia would be happy to learn that he’s a member of a fascistic entity (no really, he would).
The third thing I’d do is call upon all Americans to bring pressure to bear on their representatives in Congress, to create a law which bans all terrorist suspects from using civilian courts to challenge the decisions of the Executive branch of government with respect to their internment.
Just a wee bit unconstitutional, but OK.
The fourth thing I’d do is demand that Congress immediately devote the majority of its time, during the next full sessions of the Senate and the House, to extensive debate on the issues of reducing healthcare costs to all American citizens, and the reformation of our failing Social Security system.
“And if they don’t, I’ll send them to internment camps!”
The fifth thing I’d do is declare the government of Mexico a hostile regime, and break off all economic ties with it until Vicente Fox agrees to put his troops on the U.S./Mexican border, and stop the flow of illegal immigration into this country from his. In the meantime, I would place National Guard units on both the southern and northern borders for an indefinite period of time.
Bah! Screw that! Let’s go Manifest Destiny on their sorry asses take over the whole country- if they wanna send their immigrants to invade us, we’ll respond in kind. The first thing we’ll do is burn every Corona factory to the ground (OK, so that’s actually not a bad idea).
The sixth thing I’d do is launch a full-scale investigation into the activities of the ACLU, and do everything in my power to see that the communist sympathizers who run it are, at the very least, exposed for the terrorist-supporting parasites that they’ve become.
Nothing like abusing executive power to launch bogus investigations against your political enemies! (Though it’s still not as creative as Nixon’s plan to burglarize the Brookings Institute.)
The seventh thing I’d do is declare Ground Zero in Manhattan a federal landmark, and propose that a memorial in the form of two functional office towers of at least 120 stories each be erected on that site within the next 5 years.
See, I was hoping he’d suggest making Ground Zero the site of a Muslim internment camp, but I guess only Michelle Malkin is that evil.
The eighth thing I’d do is submit to Congress a formal declaration of war against the nation of Iran, for harboring Al-Qaeda operatives, and openly supporting the terrorist insurgency in Iraq.
Yeah, we don’t even have to finish the job in Iraq. Like Rummy said, “But over time, there’s no doubt but that Iraq is going to have to finance its reconstruction itself, and it’s going to take a long time.” We broke it, you bought it, Islamo-bitches! (Incidentally, I wonder how will Edward find enough troops to guard the Mexican border, invade Iran, and occupy Iraq at the same time. I don’t know the answer, but I’m pretty sure it doesn’t involve enlisting members of the Young Republicans.)
The ninth thing I’d do is address the United Nations Security Council, and give that body an ultimatum, to either unanimously support America’s war against terrorists, and the nations which support them, or consider itself a non-entity in the eyes of the United States.
Ehn, just send John Bolton- it’ll save you time.
The tenth thing I’d do is announce that from here on out, all American soldiers will be required to dip their ammunition in pork blood, whenever possible, before engaging the enemy in Iraq, Afghanistan, or any future theater of battle, guaranteeing that all terrorists will be damned to hell (at least in their minds) if they should succumb to American bullet wounds.
And if an Iraqi child gets accidentally hit with pork-covered shrapnel, they’ll go to hell too. But hey, they deserve it for not being white.
Of course, I’m not so foolish as to believe that I’d actually get away with some of these things, without calls for my impeachment and God only knows what all, emanating throughout the corridors of power in D.C., as well as the entire international left-wing media complex. Still, at least for a while, Americans would know they had a president who wasn’t just going to sit on his backside and take crap from any foreign entity, or the hate-America left here at home.
Yes, Americans would know they had a commander-in-chief who was completely effing bonkers.
Sure, I’d be compared to Hitler and every other tyrant known to humankind, and people like Chucky Schumer would have a field day ripping me a knew one at every turn, but so what? Isn’t that what liberals have been doing to George W. Bush since the first day he took office? I say, if they’re going to whine incessantly about conservatives anyway, we may as well give them something substantial to complain about!
Or as Ann Coulter would say, “Liberals always complain that conservatives act like Nazis. So let’s do it: let’s act like Nazis.”
Maybe I wouldn’t last long as president, but at least no one would be able to say that I was more concerned with getting reelected than sticking up for the things I believe in. And there isn’t a true conservative out there wouldn’t enjoy watching lunatic leftists the world over finally lose their minds completely.
Uhm, I don’t think it’s the “leftists” who are the lunatics in this case, Ed…
Is that a photograph or a charcoial sketch? Guy looks a bit odd.
“extensive debate on the issues of reducing healthcare costs to all American citizens”
eh, that sounds a little socialist there Alfred. Whose side you on>
Is that a photograph or a charcoial sketch? Guy looks a bit odd.
Edward Daley *is* The Phantom of the Opera! Lurking unappreciated in the cobwebbed depths, he concocts plans for global domination — and unsuspecting ingenue chorus girls!
I have a conservative friend who forwards me wingnutty junk mail from time to time (we don’t ever discuss politics so she doesn’t know I don’t agree with her). I’m really tempted to forward this column to her and see what she says.
I originally thought he was a college student, but if you look at his bio, he’s actually in his 40s.
The sketched portrait seems to be at least 10 years old and considerably cleaned-up. God knows what Ed really looks like.
Brad, I think you accidentally used a photo of David Berkowitz.
This guy puts together an entire top ten and doesn’t even include one item persecuting homosexuals–uhhmm–defending the sanctity of marriage! Ahem.
What lousy, third-rate type of conservative is he, anyway?
Wonder if Daley would like to know the first thing I’d do if I were president? I’m sure he wouldn’t like it…for long.
How about it people? What would you do if you were president?
What lousy, third-rate type of conservative is he, anyway?
Yeah, I know. An entire soapbox without even one mention of enforcing sodomy laws.
What would you do if you were president?
Well, I’m stuck on sex in the Oval Office (or the Oral Office, as I’ll start calling it) and using Foggy Bottom as my own person bake shop. Oh, and invading Mexico to burn down Corona plants. Anyone else wanna take a stab at it?
Opie lives, although he’s got Michael Jackson’s cruel bleaching disease.
If I were elected President. the first thing I’d do would be to grow a beard.
Because a man with a beard (or a fat man, or a bald man) could never be elected President today — and yet, no power exists to stop a chief executive from growing a beard, or getting fat, et cetera. I would be the first bearded President since (I think) Harrison. And the pundits would chatter, chatter away, but I’d just laugh.
If I were president, the first thing I would do would be to have Brad R. arrested for 2 things: 1) burning down the Corona Bottling Plants (because if you want to drink but not get drunk, it’s the perfect beer.) and 2) Being from Boston and therefore making everyone who reads his stuff on here a deviant.
If I were president, the first thing I would do would be to have Brad R. arrested for 2 things: 1) burning down the Corona Bottling Plants (because if you want to drink but not get drunk, it’s the perfect beer.) and 2) Being from Boston and therefore making everyone who reads his stuff on here a deviant.
This implies that I’d be president first, meaning I’d arrest YOUR ass, Mr. Yosef, before you had the chance. (Either that or I’d give send you to Iraq.)
“. . . the entire international left-wing media complex.”
Yeah, those stupid Commies at Al-Jazeera . . .
Having read Gavin’s comment, I think that if I were president, the first thing I would do is have surgery to become a fat, bald, bearded man.
So Daley would place National Guard Units at the northern and southern borers. I take it he has no idea how long those borders are, or that there are actually two northern borders. Still, if it means getting out of Iraq, I’m sure some guard members will volunteer to hang out at the Top of The World Highway and wave at tourists.
I’m totally stuck on the pork blood thing. I read it and thought you’d go on to admit you made that part up… but NO! Even by wingnut standards, that’s a real doozy.
And Yosef, why would I WANT to drink and not get drunk??
Damn you, Brad, for reprinting this moron’s comments about declaring Mexico a hostile regime! Made me snort tea through my nose. Ouch.
If that’s what he thinks of Mexico, I can’t wait till he figures out what’s going on in Brazil. Or all those Green Party-electing Germans sending their tourists to molest our national landmarks with their digital cameras. They’re stealing America’s soul!
Having read Meri’s comment, the first thing I’d do on taking my oath of office as President would be to undergo a sex-change operation.
And boy would that give the pundits something to jaw about. But it would be worth it to be the first woman president of the United States.
…With a beard.
Oh, and wanted to add — if we *did* dip all of our ammo in pigs’ blood (and just how many pigs would get slaughtered?), then we would turn the entire Muslim world against us, and justifiably so. President Daley would, let’s say, have quite a few more memorials to build.
And the rest of the world would probably take the Muslim world’s side were we to do that, and I can’t say I would blame them.
Hey Brad, don’t forget the wild, drunken, bi-sexual orgy at Camp David…
And boy would that give the pundits something to jaw about. But it would be worth it to be the first woman president of the United States.
…With a beard.
Um…so you’d marry Tom Cruise?
Ed looks like the aliens from Galaxy Quest.
And I’m already a fat, bearded man. Gay, even. VOTE FOR ME!!
And the rest of the world would probably take the Muslim world’s side were we to do that, and I can’t say I would blame them.
Kristin, I’m not going after you, jus’ snarkin’ here, but if our soldiers had to spend so much time fiddling around dipping bullets in pig blood, it’d so impare them that insurgents could beat them to death with Ann Coulter books, slim volumes though they are.
Besides, I see a prime opportunity for a fat, government contract to manufacture these bullets pre-dipped(for a small additional fee, natch) Freedom Dipped? bullets!
…er, I meant Freedom-Dipped? bullets!
Just doesn’t look right without the dash, durn it.
And, yes, deep down I know that “impare” is spelled “impair”
At last, somebody who understands the threat from the Great White North! Someone who’ll protect us from Tourtieres of Mass Destruction!
Um, pork is unkosher for Jews too (at least the kosher Jews). But I guess he doesn’t care about that. Oh, and how are pork bullets going to help with the Mexicans?
Wow – I just – wow. I’m in shock. I especially like how he wants to go to war with Mexico, tell the United Nations that they don’t exist, AND simultaneously enrage what few Muslim allies we have left in the Middle East.
He wouldn’t have to worry about impeachment – one of his generals would put a bullet through his brain and make it look like a suicide.
Nony-
No shit. He’d be the American Caligula.
Holey cheeses, two new wars before breakfast? Somebody slip that man a fistful of quaaludes.
Maybe our troops should alternate pork bullets with silver bullets. Just in case a Muslim-werewolf alliance emerges.
Maybe our troops should alternate pork bullets with silver bullets. Just in case a Muslim-werewolf alliance emerges.
LOL.
Holy cow! “Edward Daley” (Or E Dwardi-Li as he is known on his home planet) is clearly an alien grey!
This explains why his political stance involves violating American law and using more troops then we could possibly muster; In his dimension, any who question the supreme hive-mind are lobotomised by psychic energy, and if they need more troops they just fire up the cloning vats.
He just hasn’t acclimated to earth politics, yet.
What a gyp-I can’t even post a ‘fuck you, asshole’ in the comments section at Ed Daly because he has no comments section. At least that Parlick lady-the one with the yucky pizza receipes has a comments section for constructive comments from the public.
“Tourtieres of Mass Destruction”?! That made me laugh so hard I got Diet Coke up my nose. As someone who insists on reading and drinking and laughing at the same time, I’ve learned that Diet Coke hurts more than tea but less than Chardonnay…
This Daley chap, let’s see, let’s see… Single, lives with his elderly father, owns rental properties. Can you imagine what it must be like to be one of his tenants??
Brad R:
I think he wants to be Americas’ Ivan the Terrible.
The fifth thing I’d do is declare the government of Mexico a hostile regime, and break off all economic ties with it until Vicente Fox agrees to put his troops on the U.S./Mexican border, and stop the flow of illegal immigration into this country from his. In the meantime, I would place National Guard units on both the southern and northern borders for an indefinite period of time.
Too late. Daley already got through. Deportation?
I though G. Gordon Liddy was going to blow up the Brookings Institution?