Your Genes Make You Attractive, But Only God Can Make You a Beauty Queen
I’m a pretty big football fan, but I literally cringe whenever some wide receiver gives God credit for having him score a winning touchdown. Let’s be honest- if God won’t intervene to stop, say, a tsunami from killing hundreds of thousands of people, He’s not going to intervene in a freaking football game. And as much as I’d like to think God is a Patriots fan (and that Tom Brady is His second begotten son), I’m just not buyin’ it- The Big Guy really does have more important things to do, like sending the Virign Mary to appear in cheese sandwiches.
But as ridiculous as some NFL stars are, none of them can compete with Ms. Jennifer Hilde, a young Christian woman who tells Brio Magazine (a.k.a., Focus on the Family’s answer to Seventeen) that God has intervened to help her win beauty pageants. Make sure you’ve got a pack of aspirin and a tall glass of water nearby, because this one’s a doozy:
When I was 7 years old, I told my parents that someday I would be on “Wheel of Fortune.” Fourteen years later, the Wheelmobile came to Northwestern University in Evanston, Ill., to hold an audition. My childhood aspiration became reality when they selected me to be a contestant for the College Week edition. When the big day arrived, my prayer was to glorify God through the experience.
“Dear Lord, please let me glorify thee with every vowel I purchase. And Lord, please grant me the strength not to stare at Vanna White’s cleavage. Amen.”
I studied hard, solved the puzzles and in the end, won $22,800 and was named Contestant of the Week! I saved some of my winnings, put some toward college and gave some away. But I still had a good chunk leftover.
My parents suggested using the money on something I wouldn’t typically do because of financial reasons. I don’t know why I thought of entering a pageant. The Miss Twin Cities pageant was only two months away, but I signed up.
So God’s plan for Jennifer involves having her win Wheel of Fortune and using the extra money to enter beauty pageants. It’s funny, because there are millions of people all over the world who have to pray every night for things like food and clothing. I guess they should have set their sights higher and asked God to make them game show contestants. In fact, I’m gonna ask God for help the next time I want a new plasma TV.
Before competing, I had to write my platform statement about a social cause or issue to campaign for throughout my year of service. Despite the political and sometimes liberal side of pageants, the Miss America system gives women an awesome opportunity to be public about their beliefs, which was my reason for entering.
Because we all know how much people who watch beauty pageants pay attention to the speeches.
My first platform was “Empowering Youth through Faith-Based Values” to talk with students about knowing what they believe and living their faith on a daily basis. But I was misunderstood with that platform. People asked me, “Jennifer, what about Muslims? Should they live their faith-based values?” After I’d thought and prayed about it, I changed my platform to character education.
Yeah, God obviously doesn’t want Muslims to live by their faith-based values.
Soon the day of my first pageant arrived. I was scared to death! During the talent portion, I literally stopped playing my violin on stage because I was so nervous. But by God’s grace, I won!
So Jennifer completely screwed up the talent portion of the show, but was still crowned “Ms. Twin Cities.” This means one of two things:
1.) God intervened to give Jennifer the crown, despite the fact that other girls were more deserving.
2.) Jennifer’s only serious competition for the crown was PZ Myers (though to be fair, I hear Professor Myers looks quite ravishing after a bikini wax).
No one could believe it. I was competing against 20 other girls in the largest local pageant in the state.
At the Miss Minnesota competition months later, I expected to win. After all, it was a miracle I won Miss Twin Cities. I thought, Why else would God have me win Miss Twin Cities if He wouldn’t take me further?
Because He wanted to punish you for using prayer to make such a stupid request?
So I practiced my violin, worked out and stayed on a strict diet. But I only finished in the top five. Looking back, I believed my motivations were pure, but later the Lord convicted me for not giving Him the glory. If I hadn’t been faithful with the smaller title He?d given me, why should I get the title of Miss Minnesota? I had to repent, ask for forgiveness and change my attitude about pageants.
Y’know, most people repent and ask God for forgiveness when they’ve actually done something wrong (cheating on their spouse, lying about their neighbors, coveting oxen, etc.). Jennifer, on the other hand, asks God to forgive her because she didn’t win a goddamn beauty pageant.
I feel really, really sorry for God if these are the kinds of people He has to deal with on a regular basis. How does He put up with it? Does He force some of the lower-level saints in Heaven to listen to Jennifer’s concerns? Do you think that when Jennifer calls, He has her leave a voicemail?
After my first experience at Miss Minnesota, I was disillusioned, and I decided to not compete again. But God wasn’t done using me. I still had the title of Miss Twin Cities, so I sent an e-mail to the Minnesota Department of Education asking if any schools would like me to speak about character. Much to my surprise, I received three e-mails from schools inviting me to speak to their students. Talk about a tangible answer to prayer!
Moses had the burning bush… Jacob was visited by an angel… and Jennifer had people reply to her e-mails. God’s Divine Messages have certainly gotten a lot less theatrical over the last 2,000 years.
Through that confirmation, I decided to compete in another local pageant, Miss South Central. I won again! But when I reached the Miss Minnesota pageant, I finished as first runner-up. It was hard to lose again, and I thought my parents were going to say, “You’re done. You did a great job, Jennifer, but financially, we can’t afford it.” But my parents and entire family told me I should enter a third time.
Because you know what they say: “If at first you don’t succeed, keep bugging God until He lets you win just to shut you up.”
Because I didn’t win the Miss Minnesota title, that summer I went to Zambia, Africa, for a missions trip. While there, I sensed the Lord asking me, “Jennifer, would you rather be spending your money preparing for Miss America or for AIDS orphans in Africa?” I don’t know why this wasn’t clear in the first place, but there’s no comparison to spending $5,000 on AIDS orphans versus preparing for Miss America. It’s incredible to me that when I was focused on the Lord, He changed my heart and my desires to His heart and His plan.
Yes, it took a Divine Revelation for Jennifer to realize that God would rather she spend her time helping AIDS orphans than winning the Ms. Minnesota competition. But unfortunately, this change of heart didn’t last long, as Jennifer was right back in the pageant game after returning from Africa:
With the nudge from my family and a desire to share my faith, I entered a third local pageant in February. I won the Miss Coon Rapids 2005 title and will compete for Miss Minnesota a third time in June. When the big day arrives, my prayer will be the same when I was a contestant on Wheel of Fortune ? to glorify God. I’m sure He’ll use this pageant to teach me another great lesson. This time I’m ready.
I hope God teaches Jennifer that He doesn’t care if she wins Wheel of Fortune or the Miss Minnesota contest, but I’m not too optimistic.
I’ve asked God to forgive me for not winning the lottery.
And if you go to missminnesota.org, you see that she lost again. Somebody, quick!! Email her and ask her what God was teaching her this time!
And if you go to missminnesota.org, you see that she lost again. Somebody, quick!! Email her and ask her what God was teaching her this time!
That He’s just not that into her?
God is using me as one of His billions of desk monkeys in the US workforce. I hope he will forgive me for all my other career choices’ not having worked out. It must be because my motives were not pure; i.e., I wished to earn money to buy food and shelter rather than for the glorification of His Name alone. If I’ll do my job worshipfully 24/7 from now on, maybe He’ll let me keep my health insurance and reward me with a raise when He’s mostly distracted by someone else’s petty problems. Praise!
If I’ll do my job worshipfully 24/7 from now on, maybe He’ll let me keep my health insurance and reward me with a raise when He’s mostly distracted by someone else’s petty problems. Praise!
Lucy, you’re still thinking small- you gotta go right for that plasma TV! 😉
Sadly, No!, the asprin didn’t work. A whiskey on the rocks might do the trick, however.
“sometimes liberal side of pageants”
What?! Do these pageants forced abortions and the mining of Uranium on Pluto?
I’ve asked God to forgive me for not winning the lottery.
I used to pray to God all the time to win the lottery; week after week I’d pray my heart out. Finally, after months, he spoke to me: “Meet me halfway, tg, and buy a FUCKING TICKET!”
So is she saying she’s not attractive enough to win a beauty pageant unless God intervenes with the judges?
But God wasn’t done using me.
“No, he moved into my apartment, ate all my food, made long-distance calls on my phone, and refused to get a job to pitch in with the rent. Then one day, he emptied my bank account and disappeared.”
Oh, Brad, if He would see fit to let me skip ahead of people like the child prostitutes in Bangkok (who probably aren’t Christian anyway!) praying for deliverance to whatever gods they worship in the sadly mistaken belief that they’re talking to the REAL God so I can get that plasma TV, that would be so NEAT! Screw those kids!* Oopsy . . . to the Glory of His Name, of course.
*pun not intended
After that suggestion about how she won Miss Twin Cities, isn’t there another obvious explanation about how she lost Miss Minnesota? Maybe I didn’t compete in the first, but did in the second. Neener neener.
I saved some of my winnings, put some toward college and gave some away. But I still had a good chunk leftover.
Oh, the charity is heart-rending.
Little Miss Christian decided God would rather she join a beauty contest than put a couple bucks in the kettle at Christmas. Ohhhhhhh….never mind. I forgot – charity begins at home.
“Miss Coon Rapids 2005”
God does indeed have a sense of humor.
It’s fun to justify your vanity with God!
Despite the political and sometimes liberal side of pageants, the Miss America system gives women an awesome opportunity to be public about their beliefs, which was my reason for entering.
Okay, that doesn’t make any sense…. Unless she’s trying to say in code, “Contestants aren’t allowed to proselytize at pageants,” which by some wingnut standards is a liberal stance *eye roll*
Tom Brady apparently has been given the nickname “Mr. GOP” by Willie McGinest.
I’m just sayin’.
Tom Brady apparently has been given the nickname “Mr. GOP” by Willie McGinest.
*Sigh*, I know, ditto Curt Schilling. But Christ, they’re professional athletes. Not all of them can be as brilliant as Bill Lee or Bill Bradley…
Oh Lord, won’t you buy me
a color TV
“Dialing for Dollars” is trying to find me..
I think what Voltaire said about wars also holds for beauty pagents:
God is always on the side of the ones with the biggest, er, battalions.
So, if Jennifer thanks Jesus that she won Wheel of Fortune, would she also blame him if she had lost?
“Umm, Jesus is telling me to pick an x, Pat.”
“Sorry, Jennifer. No x’s.”
“Oh, crap! Stupid Jesus! Why did you tell me to pick x? What the hell did you think the answer was – Lxdy MxcBxth? Man, you’re such a schmuck!”
“Oh, crap! Stupid Jesus! Why did you tell me to pick x? What the hell did you think the answer was – Lxdy MxcBxth? Man, you’re such a schmuck!”
Have I mentioned how funny you guys are? 😀
I wonder if the Lord has instructed her yet how to use the Holy Vaseline to increase her chances of winning?
You know, I bet God wants Jennifer to be one a big-haired reportette on Fox News. Either that, or to feed starving orphans in India. Which ever one she can use to give Him the most glory.
HE:
That reminds me of a comedian Jeff Somebody(it ain’t Foxworth, trust me on this) who used to ask why athletes only praise God if they win, and don’t involve him in their losses:
“Yes, we were in the gameuntil Jesus made me fumble.”
I think his name is Jeff Stillson, Dark Avenger.
Oh, correction: it’s Jeff Stilson (one “l”). He was a contributing writer for “The Daily Show”.
The Onion had a similiar story with basketball players complain that God was causing them to throw bricks all night. “I just don’t understand why Jesus made Brent miss that layup.”
Of course, as a Chicagoan, I know all about God hating sports teams. Rrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr
I think the message from God is obvious. Nude photos honey, not only will you win, (make sure the judges don’t know about it until afterwards), but you’ll be disgraced, stripped of your title, and be given a recording contract and a part in a movie. I think God knows where the real publicity is.
I’d like to see God talk himself out of this one.
One problem with miracles is that once you alter a natural sequence of events, there is no telling what the ultimate consequences will be. Say that you start fooling with plate tectonics. Yes, you could cope with “unintended consequences” with a sequence of follow-up miracles, but it would soon become rather tedious.
Perhaps the safest miracles to make are those without any lasting consequences. Here came the chance for Miss Hilde (note of the lesser Saint on the “supplication receipt form”: “clearly an idiot, but isn’t she cute?”). However, follow-up miracles are much less fun to make, as Miss Hilde have learned.
Damn, ‘uisy! You funny!
Oh come on, don’t be so hard on the poor girl. She gave five grand to AIDS orphans in Zambia, which is more than I’ve managed to do this week. Besides, she is “Miss South Central”, which sounds pretty fucking streetcool. If I met someone and she said she was “Miss South Central”, I would certainly buy her booze in the expectation she would put out.
While I agree that God doesn’t generally take an interest in sports, He does like to intervene when Boston teams play Philly. From “Havelicek stole the ball!” to uncounted torments from Bird and McHale, now the Super Bowl. Our only shining moment of glory against Boston was the 1974 Stanley Cup, and that required using Satan’s Earth-spawned hell-children to accomplish. I think God still resents that.
If any of you actually knew this girl you would shut your mouths. Jennifer Hilde is one of the most geniune and accomplished twenty four year olds to walk this earth. Yes, you can mock her idealistic views all you want, but the government of Minnesota took her seriously when she spent months lobbying for the passing of a character education bill, which by the way has now passed. She used the “fame” she acquired to help other people, not herself and, being an honestly good person, credits all of this to God. Now that really doesn’t sound all that bad to me.
I’m not sure what to say here. I’m neither arogant nor naive enough to believe that those who have made the above comments will listen to what I have to say. But I’ll say it just the same. Jennifer is the most amazing women I have ever known. That’s not something I’d expect you to see in the article that has been so well refereneced. And I understand why you might react so strongly against the view that God might be so intimately involved even in the mundane things of life (including paegents). But it’s just an article. I just think it’s sad that you’re taking cheap shots at the character of a person you don’t even know. Jennifer is a caring, intelligent, beautiful person. I wish you all could meet her.
It seems to me that whoever did this report has a lot of time on his hands! To go off and make fun of someone who believes in what she believes in!! At least she has some integrity and at least she believes in something!!
Good job buddy!! Who else can you make fun of!! Oh wait…. a lot because you have no life!!