The Rant’s Plan to Win the War on Terror
Because I’m a patriotic guy, I’ve decided to help President Bush reinvigorate flagging public support for the war in Iraq, and the war on terror in general. I contacted some of the greatest military minds of our time, including Norman Schwarzkopf, Anthony Zinni and Wesley Clark, and asked them for their thoughts on the best way to combat terrorism… but unfortunately, none of them replied, so I had to make do with the columnists at The Rant.
Our first esteemed strategist is Scott Gray, who gives the president advice on fixing our detention facility at Guantanamo Bay:
While the strongest interrogation techniques should be used on terrorists, they should never be tortured or killed without some semblance of due process.
Brilliant! And since our only standard for prisoner treatment is that they shouldn’t be tortured without “some semblance of due process,” we should turn Camp X-Ray into one big reality show: Tortured by America! Just think: every week, Gitmo detainees put on a talent and variety show that includes singing, dancing, and a swimsuit competition. After the prisoners have strutted their stuff, the American public votes on which ones go free… and which ones get beaten and sodomized with glow sticks! I’ve already thought of a catchy slogan: “Unlike Survivor, our contestants are glad to be voted off this island!”
Our next legendary military planner is The Rant’s head honcho, Frank Salvato. Frank also has some thoughts on Camp X-Ray:
The reason given by people like Jimmy Carter, Joe Bidden and Teddy “we’ll cross that bridge when we come to it” Kennedy for the scuttling of Camp X-Ray is this: It tarnishes our image in the Arab world. They believe that the existence of a detention center for those caught shooting at our soldiers on the field of battle, where no incidents of torture, abuse or mistreatment of any kind have ever been recorded, incites those in the cool, calm and rational thinking Arab street to embrace a dim view of America. Well, pardon me for not being able to care less about how uninformed totalitarians wielding saifs and AK-47s view the United States.
Frank’s right- we shouldn’t give a shit what Muslims think of us, especially since thousands of our troops are stationed in two of their countries.
The people being held at Camp X-Ray are very bad people. They were caught shooting at members of the most powerful and potent fighting force on the face of the planet, a fighting force that originates from the most generous and humanitarian nation in the history of said planet.
Yes, if only we could convince the enemy not to shoot at our troops, we’d have won this war years ago. George S. Patton, eat your heart out!
And finally, here’s Edward Daley, whose advice to the president is “stay the course”:
The only reason we’re still in Iraq is because there’s a whole lot of terrorists left to kill there. I don’t know if the Bush administration planned it this way, or if we just got lucky, but our presence in that country has drawn into the fray thousands of the very scumbags our fine fighting men and women were just itching to frag all along.
Yes, I’m sure our troops would be thrilled to hear they’re being used as bait to draw out terrorists.
Well, Mr. President, that’s The Rant’s plan to win the war on terror: torture prisoners with due process, convince the enemy to not shoot at our troops, and keep our soldiers stuck in Iraq indefinitely so terrorists will be tempted to blow them up. No need to thank me, Mr. President- as a patriotic American, it was the least I could do. (No, seriously, it was.)
Well, pardon me for not being able to care less about how uninformed totalitarians wielding saifs and AK-47s view the United States.
Um, right. I thought these were the same people who attacked us because they hated our freedom (I know these aren’t the same people, but the wingnuts don’t).
Oh, and also: Three fine specimens of American manhood, there. Cough.
Why isn’t that fine patriot in uniform? And why doesn’t he have contact info so I can ask him directly?
Merl, try this:
gray@therant.us
Yes, Mr. Daley, it sure was “lucky” that American soldiers have a chance to kill people. It’s a fuckin’ bonanza. That part about how they also have chance to get killed, that’s not so lucky.
By the way, how is it the case that these clodhoppers are always so convinced that everyone at Guantanamo is A Hardcore Terrorist Who Shot At The Troops? Haven’t a bunch of people who were originally held there been released?
Brad, you always let them off too easy! From our pal Edward Daley:
And Roosevelt also approved the atomic bombing of two Japanese cities — so Republicans have the right to nuke anyone they feel like, and nobody can say anything or else No Fair!
The Pee Wee Herman period of American diplomacy.
On breathing air and eating food — Osama Bin Laden (mass murderer). Liberals must now stop breathing air and eating food.
(Note: Conservatives, and especially religious fundamentalists, are exempt from comparison with Bin Laden.)
On existing — Osama Bin Laden (mass murderer). Liberals can only prove their patriotism by not existing.
Oh no! Liberals agree with the liberal John Kerry, from the liberal state of ‘Taxamahoochiecoochie!’ I’ll bet there are a lot of taxes there! (Google: not really.)
Liberals and John Kerry can’t both be right! Um, hey, wait a minute…
Brad, you always let them off too easy! From our pal Edward Daley
I know, I know, but I had too much of a headache to get into that after reading Frank and Scott 😉
God, we’ve got to follow this Daley guy’s stuff. He rides logical fallacies like a freestyle skateboarder — bouncing up on railings and doing flippy-tricks up and down curbs….
“… they should never be tortured or killed without some semblance of due process.”
Would a subpoena do the trick?
Scott Gray seriously looks like the kind of kid whose head would explode if he met Lindsay Lohan in person.
Poof!
VV, who did Scotty Gray meet to get his face all caved-in-looking in the first place? (Sorry, that was low.)
Where do they dig those people up? Scott Gray looks like a mid-season replacement for Corky. Salvato looks like Ron Jeremy auditioning for “the Godfather” at the community theatre And Daley is a ratlike like Gieger drawing.
Gavin, the Atomic Bomb decision was made by Truman, not FDR.
Gavin, the Atomic Bomb decision was made by Truman, not FDR.
True. My mistake.
Daley’s original point was that since FDR authorized internment camps, ‘liberals’ should support whatever happens at Gitmo and Abu Ghraib — or something like that.
I guess you could just be like, “Truman, successor to Franklin Roosevelt, approved the atomic bombing of Japan. Therefore liberals should approve of the US nuking Syria.”
It makes my brain hurt trying to follow the casuistries, honestly. I suspect sometimes that these raving wingtards are actually much smarter than we are, in a mental-acrobatic way.
Scott Gray looks like a mid-season replacement for Corky.
LOL.
Daley looks like a creepy six-year-old with eyes that are all pupil.
I look forward to responses from The Ranters on their once and future military experiences.
Gavin, I don’t even try to make sense out of the wingers. it’s like trying to stare at an escher print. You just go in circles.
>They were caught shooting at members of the most >powerful and potent fighting force on the face of >the planet
Actually, many of them were abducted off the street (at random or due to a grudge) and delivered to the Americans for a per-head cash bounty by Afghan warlords.
But hey, what’s due process or facts when such a mind as Frank Salvato’s has already convicted them all?
Also, am I the only person who heard Frank’s tiny member pop into hardness as he pounded out “most powerful and potent fighting force”?
Yes, we are invincible… that must be why we can’t use heli power or close air support because of $25 RPGs, a ride to the airport costs $5,000-10,000, and only a fool would leave the green zone.
Salvato looks like Ron Jeremy auditioning for “the Godfather” at the community theatre
No, apparently I was NOT the only one. I have to put down the computer, my stomach hurts from laughing.
I think daley looks like and even geekier Alfred E Newman.
“He rides logical fallacies like a freestyle skateboarder”
More like a freestyle walker.
The people being held at Camp X-Ray are very bad people. They were caught shooting at members of the most powerful and potent fighting force on the face of the planet
Those monsters! Acting like, say, we’d invaded their country, destabilized their government, installed a puppet government, killed a couple thousand of their citizens who were eating at restaurants or going to parties, slapped the wrists of those who killed said civilians, destroyed ancient monuments, wrote Al Qaeda’s propaganda for them, gotten some more civilians blown up, re-started heroin poppy trade and turned our backs on reconstruction ’cause our leaders here in the U.S. got distracted by another shiny new toy.
God knows why they’d shoot at American troops.
We sure as hell wouldn’t if the aforementioned happened to us, after all.
They were caught shooting at members of the most powerful and potent fighting force on the face of the planetThe guys at Gitmo were shooting at the Justice League? Holy handgrenade, batman! No wonder they are locked up and tortured! They deserve no less!
>they should never be tortured or killed without some semblance of due process.
Yeah, cuz, y’know actual due process is too much hard work.
Wuckfad.
More like a freestyle walker.
LOL that’s the lamest hobby EVER. (But I still bet Edward can’t afford the too-cool soap shoes.)