Dial ‘M’ For Mastur
Posted on November 20th, 2008 by Gavin M.
Shorter Michael M. Bates*
Above: Is it me, or does “Goldwater supporter”
always seem like some weird swinger euphemism?
- Allow me, among other things, to make the Jeffersons “we’re movin’ on up” reference that you’ve been dreading.
‘Shorter’ concept created by Daniel Davies and perfected by Elton Beard. We are aware of all Internet traditions.™
* “Winner, 2007 Illinois Press Association Award for Original Column.” (Cf.)
Ah, but the servant waits while the Michael Bates.
Er, or something….
Allow me, among other things, to make the Jeffersons “we’re movin’ on up” reference that you’ve been dreading.
Good times.
The cold contempt his parents must have held for their infant to give him an “M” name with the ‘Bates’ surname.
Chilling.
Good times.
What’s Happening?!
B. Hussein Obama involved in shady real estate deals? We must appoint an independent prosecutor at once! One problem though: propaganda outlets such as NRO, the Weekly Standard, and the WSJ Op-ed pages should avoid any racially tinged plays on “Whitewater,” as “Blackwater Scandal” treads over a part of history they’d rather see airbrushed.
Why you eatie my comment???
Also shorter:
Obama is a shiftless Negro who will turn the White House into a tenement.
Why, I do declare, the conditions those poor people live in have just recently become very important to me. I don’t know how that Obama fella can look himself in the mirror.
Why whatever do you mean, my outfit was made by slave labor? How could I possibly know such a thing?
The cold contempt his parents must have held for their infant to give him an “M” name with the ‘Bates’ surname.
My contempt for him is about equal.
Once Bates printed out a copy of his column, he couldn’t help but loudly chuckle over his comparison of Obama to “The Jeffersons.”
“Michael? Michael?” his wife chirped, her voice screechy, yet concerned.
“Stifle it, dingbat,” replied Bates. “Can’t ya see I’m sittin’ on the terlet?”
The more they froth and foam the more I enjoy the spectacle . President blackity black Barack Hussein Obama you bitches . Suck on it for next eight years .
That wasn’t just stupid,
it was vile.
Seriously, I really do hope the negroes start killing y’all. You really do deserve it.
I ‘m screaming mad when reichtards gloat at the misfortune of some black person . But here Batsey is simply pouring forth his impotent rage . The nig*er is going to the white house and there is nothing that Master Bates and his ilk can do . I can taste the schadenfreude .
The right-wing negro-monitors will be making Jeffersons references for generations. It will, to them, never stop being funny – in a vaguely dystopian political-correctness-gone-mad kind of way – when a black person does something special and then acts as if they’re entitled to be proud of it like a real human being.
Kind of the way we treat dogs pretending to talk, only they treat dogs with more dignity.
Shorter Michael M. Bates II:
Shorter Michael M. Bates III:
Shorter Michael M. Bates IV:
Renew America? I’ve been trying to cancel my subscription for a long time now.
There’s another great article on that site, entitled The Great Islamophobia Fake-out. I offer this marvellous quote as an example:
Ain’t that marvellous? Someone’s advertising for a researcher into hatey stuff, and he turns that into “It’s all the fault of them damned Ay-rabs!”. Precious piece, this Moshe chap. Apparently, he’s a member of Americans For a Safe Israel. Who’da thunk it?
Of course, this is just me being all JIhadist-ey and extremist. Obviously.
The single biggest plus to come out of this is that it will no longer be particularly politically expedient for groups like AIPAC or the ADL to spend time and resources wooing the hard right. In the next couple of years, people like Bates and the Podhoretzeses and Pipeseses will suddenly feel very lonely.
I get the feeling ‘self-hating Jew’ is going to be big in the Obama administration. It’s always meant ‘insufficiently vigilant about criminal darkies’, and that being obvious again is gonna weird a lot of people out. God willing, we’ll be able to follow Israel on seeing the Palestinian problem as pressing and necessarily solved equitably if peace is to endure.
God willing, we’ll be able to follow Israel on seeing the Palestinian problem as pressing and necessarily solved equitably if peace is to endure.
Alec, I’m not sure that the Palestinians can wait that long. And I’m not sure that the Obama administratiion will greatly help, given that Emanuel has the seat-at-the-right-hand-of-GodPrez position.
Sodbuckets. Bugger you with a fish fork, WordPress! I needed a strikethrough there, and you stole it from my trembling hands!
I have tried to send a message to Teh Preview Function, promising that we will treat it more respectfully in the future, but apparently it has taken out a restraining order on the entire S,N! commentariat.
I also want to say that “Sodbuckets” is entering my vocabulary of expletives, along with ‘Buggerybollocks’ and ‘fucksocks’.
Despite movin’ on up to the White House, Barry isn’t terminating his relationship with slums
It’s inconceivable! Why won’t he scorn “those people”? Then he could be a nice negro like that nice Mr. Sowell.
“Like many a Democrat, Tony found that he could do very well for himself by doing “good.” “
Because the only motivation anyone could have to “do good” would be to screw someone else. Especially the poor, they deserve it.
For WordPress so loved Chief Editor Korir, that he gave him back his blog.
The Stern Critic who sicced Antisemitism may be interested in Wikipedia’s (alternatively spelled anti-semitism or anti-Semitism; also rarely known as judeophobia)
As always it is such a delight to gaze through uncomprehendingly at a home of exuberant irrational hatred . Is there an editorial policy punishing sequential thought expressed by the volume of various quaint and curious maestros of forgotten lore ?
If this is the case Bravo !
Confession will clean the soul and confuse your enemies
I may have overstated a smidgen with the term “exuberant”
Mother always said , “If you have nothing pleasant to say , say nothing” . This delivered before some other crushing observation usually prepared in the kitchens of sisterly angst . She of monstrously powerful insight , rear vision and no less than humongous power
HALP! WordPress is oppressing me!!
Washington could be seen as ‘the East Side’ I suppose…..come on, they’re so confused they’re going to fling out any schlock that enters their wee little brains.
Allow me, among other things, to make the Jeffersons “we’re movin’ on up” reference that you’ve been dreading.
Good times.
The next eight years will be DY-NO-MITE!
(Well, someone had to do it.)
I think the next couple years will be more full of references to seventies sitcoms featuring African-Americans than any of us will anticipate.
It’s a good thing that conservatives have continued their fine tradition of investigating the troubling personal and business connections of our political leaders, just like they committed themselves to exposing the odd machinations of the Bush family with such powers as the Carlyle Group and the bin Laden family.
I instinctively applaud the great wisdom of Select – O – Vision
This way we can all live in a perfect Micheal Crichtonverse
Where trite formula’s trump that stoopit gravity everytime
Whaa ?
Of this Guard , whence you speak of
the odd machinations of the Bush family with such powers as the Carlyle Group and the bin Laden family
Well, jyeeezous Christ, Cid, the only reason anyone called for investigations of those links was the fact that we were all suffering crazy BDS and watching/listening to lying anti-American crap like “Farenheit 911” and “Democracy Now!” and screaming on Democratic Underground about Chimpy McHitlerburton. Now that the fine mature individuals who gave us the carefully researched non-partisan Whitewater, Paula Jones and Monica Lewinsky investigations have some breathing room from our insane baseless rantings, they’ll be able to do their reasoned mature investigative work looking into these questionable personal matters.
I.E. it’s only a matter of time before someone starts shooting pumpkins in his back yard again.
“Like many a Democrat, Tony found that he could do very well for himself by doing “good.” “
I heard Admiral Poindexter say “doing well by doing good” was his fucking life goal, for Christ’s sake, nor would I be surprised if it was the goal of every conservative involved in any sort of “charitable” work. And frankly, “doing well” seems to takes precedence.
Also, “sodbuckets” is a tsunami of pure win.
Holy sh*t. I guess I just got banned from “Pandagon” ’cause I suggested the AM was quite vain in obsessing on their topic of “NiceGuys”, which is something about men who whine too much about how when they’re nice to women but women don’t give sex in return. Jeez. Now I feel like an idiot for having contacted the John Edwards campaign to let her keep her job with them; what a bunch of self-involved jerks. F*** ’em.
He makes me feel Weezie.
as “Blackwater Scandal” treads over a part of history they’d rather see airbrushed.
Yea! That Doobie Brothers song was for the shit!
President blackity black Barack Hussein Obama you bitches
That’s President Black Obama to you, sir!
I think the next couple years will be more full of references to seventies sitcoms featuring African-Americans than any of us will anticipate.
I just pray that every Obama speech remains scintillating discourse and totally unboring, or someone will raise “Spearchucker Jones”…
To be far more fair to the racist right than they deserve, I thought ‘The Fresh Prince of Bill Ayers’ was pretty funny. It’d be even funnier if it bore any relation to reality, but as a pun it’s not bad.
Maybe we should just call him President Hussein X to p*** them off.
I think just calling him ‘President’ pretty much maxes out their pissed-off envelope all on its own.
Parallel universe theory is thus proven undeniably true.
Otherwise, it would not be possible to see a far right douchebag find sudden concern for poor black people living in substandard housing. We’re going to see a lot of far right douchebags cross over from the parallel universe over the next four years, all of them suddenly brimming with concern for those whom previously they wouldn’t have pissed on if they were on fire, and all of them righteously indignant that the Democrats aren’t doing enough to help them.
Maybe we should just call him President Hussein X to p*** them off.
Would it do any good as that’s already basically what they’re saying? Still, I’m game.
“Can’t you see that man is a NI–…?”
“Can’t you see that man is a NI–…?”
“What’d he say?”
“I think he said the President is near!”
Maybe we should just call him President Hussein X to p*** them off.
Would it do any good as that’s already basically what they’re saying? Still, I’m game
————————————————————————-
No , they are leaving out the President part . President Hussein X and First Lady Michelle X ; how do you like that M. Bates . And remember , due to all powers The Idiot from Texas grabbed for himself with your support this blacky can have you frogmarched to gitmo to have you waterboarded which , I’ve been told continuously by people like you , is not that bad . Enjoy the next eight years .
I kinda wish Obama hailed from Baltimore. Then at least the pop culture racism could include references to ‘The Wire.’
Master Bates seems to be a big douchebag concern troll.
It is funny to see repigs suddenly all concerned about “slums”. Did this guy just crawl out of 1972?
As usual, the repugs are filled with hatred for Obama. They hate anything that suggests compassion, progress, or cute little kittens.
Whacha talkin’ ’bout Willis!
El Cid, AM’s quest to rid the world of Nice Guys(tm) was the main reason I stopped reading Pandagon. I didn’t disagree with here that whiny ass titty babies pretending to be a girl’s friend just so he could get some are insufferable but does it really need to be pointed out 24/7? Kind of reminds of the old Keyboard Kommandos comix with the washington elite all at the ball when one proclaims “it’s torture!” And then they all laugh at how blissfully unselfaware they are.
This all just makes me so happy. The Des Moines Register had a picture of some Rethug babes gazing at the election results coming in and one of them is crying. Mmmmmmmm .. . … makes me so happy! Tears. Delicious tears. No matter what the future holds, what disappointments may await down the road, we’ll always have this wonderful post-election period.
Ordinarily, I would feel bad about enjoying other people’s pain this much, but so far I don’t feel a trace of guilt. I read something like ol’ Mastur Bates’s dreck and joy blossoms in my heart like the red, red rose.
Speaking of the Wire — Is it just me, or is M. Bates getting Obama confused with Avon Barksdale?
Ladies and gentlemen, uh, we’ve just lost the White House, but what we’ve seen speaks for itself. The White House has apparently been taken over — ‘conquered’ if you will — by a master race of, uh, n**g*rs. It’s difficult to tell from this vantage point whether they will consume the captive white men or merely enslave them. One thing is for certain: there is no stopping them; the n**g*ers will soon be here. And I for one welcome our new melanin-tastic overlords. I’d like to remind them that as a trusted TV personality, I can be helpful in rounding up others to toil in their Harold’s Chicken Shacks….
Eh. Different strokes….
I expect some hack to compare Michelle Obama to Tootie
I expect some hack to compare Michelle Obama to Tootie
Well, now that Mr. Bates has opened Pandora’s box, I’m sure they’re at least thinking it.
[loud beeps]
BLOCKQUOTE ERROR! BLOCKQUOTE ERROR!
[more beeps]
henry lewis, it is safe to say that Preview is no longer our friend.
Barack Obama-as-Urkel has already been used, right?
By right, I mean by some wingnut somewhere.
What I don’t understand is that the Preview was entirely client-side Javascript. So it was certainly putting no load on the server, although I imagine it’s possible that the WordPress plugin that provided it might’ve been causing trouble.
henry lewis, it is safe to say that Preview is no longer our friend.
Do you think Preview was in the McCain camp all along?
does “Goldwater supporter”
always seem like some weird swinger euphemism?
Yes. It means batshit crazy militaristic, genocidal, cryptofascist (see Cheney, Dickhead). Hope that clears it up.
I have it on good authority that the next seven Michael M. Bates columns will explore comparisons between Obama and (in order) Jackée, Nell Carter in “Gimme a Break”, Rudy Huxtable, Sinbad, Bensen, Flip Wilson in drag as “Geraldine,” and Aunt Esther from Sanford and Son. Please check your local listings.
Oops, that should of course read “Benson.” Which was a spin-off from “Soup” (uh, I mean “Soap.”)
Do you think Preview was in the McCain camp all along?
Yes, I believe it was; however, if Preview would come back to us, we’d still allow it to keep its old position, because it used to at least pretend to be one of us. Perhaps we’d take away a minor position of power as a “punishment,” but still, we need Preview to caucus with us because . . . erm.
Preview is Holy Joe!
This seems like a poor choice of targets – sure, this man’s racial contempt is both freewheeling and pathetic, but at least he brought some facts to the dance. Other than attempting to reanimate the Kenyan brother nonsense, Bates pointed out an unsavory connection that P-E Obama may bring to D.C. The ‘shorter’ concept is stretched mighty thin with this piece.
I think the next couple years will be more full of references to seventies sitcoms featuring African-Americans than any of us will anticipate.
I bet Fox News reporters will start greeting the President in press conferences with “Hey HEY hey, Raj! What’s happenin’!”
I bet Fox News reporters will start greeting the President in press conferences with “Hey HEY hey, Raj! What’s happenin’!”
Oh, God, I hope so. That would be so sweeeeet.
Then Obama would reply: “Hi there”, just like Freddie “Boom Boom” Washington.
does “Goldwater supporter” always seem like some weird swinger euphemism?
Oh, now, Barry Goldwater is the guy who said back in the Eighties that it was “the duty of every good Christian to kick Jerry Fallwell in the ass”.
He may have been bad, but compared to the neocons and manly Armageddonists? He was a frickin’ Boy Scout.
Then Obama would reply: “Hi there”, just like Freddie “Boom Boom” Washington.
He would, too.
All these 70’s pop culture references are giving me a terrible headache. I HATED the 70’s, along with the stupid television shows it contained. And we only had three channels, and ALL OF THEM had stupid sitcoms.
I shall now resort to calling anyone I disagree with “Meathead” and then go flush the toliet so everyone can hear it.
Hey, front page of Wikipedia this bright morn:
Anita Bryant’s participation in Save Our Children, a coalition working to overturn gay rights ordinances in Miami and other cities in 1977 and 1978, destroyed her career
What. A. Shame.
Do you think Preview was in the McCain camp all along?
Didn’t you see it standing behind Lieberman in Minneapolis?
We have captured your Preview and are holding it for ransom. To get your preview back you must send 2 million dollars to
Pirates
Mogadishu
Somalia, Africa
Anita Bryant! Ahh, those were the days. I made a fair bit of beer money in 1977-78 selling “A day without civil rights is like a day without sunshine” t-shirts. They were a hot item on campus for a while.
You younguns can research the reference.
> Mogadishu, Somalia, Africa
Is that in the north part of the African country or the region known as “South Africa”?
So…Obama knows somebody who knows somebody who worked for somebody who owned substandard housing.
Fire up the impeachment proceedings immediately!
Good morning stoopid punk bitchiz!
Hello, NEWMAN.
So…Obama knows somebody who knows somebody who worked for somebody who owned substandard housing.
Umm, the ‘six degrees’ game you’re attempting to play doesn’t wash – the author claims that one of Obama’s soon-to-be top advisors played a large role in overseeing a condemnation-worthy slum, and that this person was given a false, glowing description on Obama’s website.
Also, 70’s telly might have sucked, but the cinema was stupendous.
As great as it is to pick on M.M. Bates, I’m actually quite happy with this article. Is it ignorant and racist? Sure – it’s on Renew! Pretty much Ground Zero for ignorance. i.e. on the left sidebar is a list of current columns, the one immediately preceding Bates’ is this thing by Cynthia Janak titled, I shit you not, Let us see what the experts say about Fluoride.
With that in mind, Bates’ column is a masterpiece of korrekt speelnigs and double-plusly grammar-ness.
Plus, it raises the issues of affordable housing and the poor state of inner-city residential developments. These are issues that most conservatives wouldn’t give a shit about if you paid them.
Let us see what the experts say about Fluoride.
They say it contaminates our precious bodily fluids, Mandrake.
Not that M. Bates would give a shit about them if they didn’t present a lovely opportunity to, um, tar Obama.
Umm, the ’six degrees’ game you’re attempting to play doesn’t wash
No kidding. I ain’t never seenthis before.
Not that M. Bates would give a shit about them if they didn’t present a lovely opportunity to, um, tar Obama.
Sure. Also true for the majority of Renew! readers. BUT, there’s possibly a handful who might give a shit. Possibly a handful of die-hard conservatives that’ll do some intense digging about this to get more ammunition on Blacky McBlacks-a-lot – who then discover that people living in slums is something they should care about.
But Bates? Yeah, he can eat a bag of dicks.
I just got an email from Chuck Norris bearing the subject line If Democracy Doesn’t Work, Try Anarchy
Yep, Chuckles, we learned a lot from you. Thanks.
note 1: the facts of those “assaults” are far from clear. They’re all “reportedly” and the like.
note 2: Try not to be an idiot, troofie – no one doubts that some violence was probably done but it was a few rogue individuals.
To get your preview back you must send 2 million dollars to
Pirates
Mogadishu
Somalia, Africa
Would a personal check from Chief Editor Korir be OK?
How horrifying that our nation’s elderly Christians are clearly under attack from those awful, awful homosexuals.
Man, I am sick of people (particularly washed-up karate also-rans) misusing the term “anarchy”.
My hand lets the curtain fall; And universal darkness buries all.
It’s how I roll.
Neocon “logic” is like a sports-car: it can turn on a dime.
Looking forward to the sudden spasm of angst from Wingnuttia over the plight of America’s downtrodden … you know, the exact same folks they were just telling to “pull themselves up by their own bootstraps” & despising for being a drain on the public purse, because their poverty was their own damn fault for being so shiftless – for, oh, about 20 years straight.
Come ON – your tingles of delight in their having lost an election is at least as evil as many of them were being when they’d make jokes about the torture of suspected terrorists at Abu Ghraib or Gitmo … or yell “Touchdown!” every time another big one went off in downtown Baghdad during Shock & Awe’s “Blow-‘Em-Up-Real-Good” live TeeVee spectacle … or joke about sending hippies “off to camp” at some secret Eastern European torture-cell … or sing “Bomb bomb bomb, bomb bomb Iran” along with McCain.
I’m simply disgusted at your schadenfreude!
Mine’s just peachy, though.
Preview gone MIA?
Has anyone looked in Cheney’s man-sized safe yet?
Mr. Bates does seem to have the aspect of someone who spends his evenings lurking around the preview booths in the back of adult video stores, doesn’t he?
the one immediately preceding Bates’ is this thing by Cynthia Janak titled, I shit you not, Let us see what the experts say about Fluoride.
Well? Jeezis, man, what do the experts say about Fluoride?
I’m not going over there. Not even for potentially life-saving information.