Since SZ had an update on Debbie Schlussel today (hopefully no relation to my friend Edmund), I thought Sadly, No! should join the fun by updating y’all on our favorite Debbie, Ms. Debbie Daniel!

We’ve always known that Debbie’s cuckoo for Cocoa Puffs, but she’s been extra, extra zany lately, like she’s been simultaneously trying to steal Fred’s Fruity Pebbles while hiding boxes of Trix from wily teens. With that in mind, let’s take a look at her latest column, “Maybe we should have surrendered at Ground Zero?”

Yes, even in the midst of death and destruction, we should have had more sense than to think we could go after terrorists and win a victory. How could we have been so stupid? We should have dropped to our knees, right there on the streets of New York, in towns all over America, and asked forgiveness for all the horrible things we’ve done to people everywhere in the world. Isn’t that what we’ve been made to feel?

*cue orchestra* *enter Aretha Franklin*
“You make me feel,
You make me feel,
Yooooou make me feeeeeel,
Like appeasin’ bin Laden…”

We should have felt the guilt of being a super power and we should not have even considered bringing justice to a group of people that wanted to kill us. And oh yes, we should have impeached George Bush right on the spot. It was his fault that we didn’t wave the white flags of surrender. If we had only used our minds, not listened to his lies, we would have “given up” and everything would be fine. Oh, the time, effort and pain we would have saved ourselves.

Well, I still woulda gone into Afghanistan, since the Taliban were actually funding al-Qaeda training camps. But yeah, I woulda stayed outta Iraq since, you know, Saddam had nothing to do with 9-11.

Yep! That’s right. Hands in the air . . . white handkerchiefs waving amidst all the debris. It would have been easier to “give it up” to strangers who invaded our country, took over our planes and used them against us than to witness our own fellow Americans essentially inflicting destruction on one another ? our infighting has almost destroyed what our nation has built for the past 229 years.

Yes, remember when those militant secularists crashed airplanes into the Focus on the Family compound?

But seriously, if any Civil War vets were still alive, they’d tell Debbie that any infighting going on today is tiddly-winks compared to, say, Gettysburg.

If, in fact, the situation were reversed, we would have all been marched off to detention camps where they would no doubt have allowed the “White Christians” to have prayers broadcast five times a day; they would have passed out Bibles with gloves on, and handed them to us with both hands in a very respectful manner . . . just as the Koran is being issued everyday at Guantanamo Bay.

Debbie, playing Sadly, No! isn’t much fun if you make it so easy…

Why, this would have been glorious. Instead of being denounced by our own fellow Americans as fanatical and extreme ? not wanting us to pray or bring our Bibles to school; not to mention God; to keep Him out of any public venue ? we would have had it made in those detainee camps. We would have indeed had that direct line to heaven that Hillary accuses us of having.

We wouldn’t have had to listen to Howard Dean tell us how much he hates us, and as he asserts that many of us have never made an honest living in our lives, we could just go ahead and lounge around reading our Bibles all day and eating our honey-glazed chicken and rice pilaf.

And getting sodomized with glowsticks all night…

With Hillary believing we (Republicans, who as Dean declares are mostly “White Christians”) have no shame about what we’re doing and that we’ve never been acquainted with the truth . . . why shucks, treatment from al-Qaeda would be a welcome respite from her non-stop bashing of half the people in America.

Yes, because being called nasty names is much worse than being beheaded.

As Hillary states: “Some of us (Republicans) honestly believe we are motivated by the truth; believe we are motivated by a higher calling, and believe we are motivated by a direct line to the heavens.”

Oh, just think, Hill and Deano would no longer be able to speak against our religious freedom because religious rights will certainly be a must for detainees ? they’re demanding it for themselves, so it makes sense they would demand it for us, too.

I’d love Osama to tell Howie Dean to “hush up” since they insist on “quiet” during their prayer time ? they would want that for us.

Uhm, Debbie, are you saying you’d rather live under Osama bin Laden than live in the same country as Howard Dean?

If we make our guards (with their squeaky boots) at Guantanamo walk on painted footprint paths during prayer time so as not to disturb the detainees, there’s no doubt in my mind they’d paint a path to a dark hole far away so Howie would surely be quiet during our prayer time.

And anyway, Mr. Dean wouldn’t want to associate with us . . . he doesn’t look like the rest of us . . . we all look the same, behave the same ? pretty much a “white Christian party.”

Of course, Dean’s a white Christian himself, but… oh, never mind.

My dear Americans, all facetiousness aside, we’re dying a much slower death for sure, but it’s a death nonetheless.

That’s kinda how life is. As Pink Floyd put it, “Shorter of breath, and one day closer to death.”

OK, let’s skip to the part where Debbie gets kooky beyond belief:

The American people elected George Bush twice to lead them, yet we still won’t let him take charge. Do you think Mr. Bush still listens to God? He’s accused of it daily, but if we truly believe he does, how can we argue with the decisions he makes?

Well, ya got me there! I was gonna come back with something about freedom of speech and separation of powers, but if God wants to build a missile defense shield and privatize social security, who am I to disagree?

Are we listening to God ? is He telling us something completely different? Or have we truly prayed about it? Have we prayed for our President?

Well, I prayed that he’d lose the election, but after that, no.

If we don’t lift George Bush up in prayer ? thus causing him to fail ? America loses!

We’ve reached the point where this column is simply impossible to ridicule.

Does anyone truly not believe the hand of God has been on George Bush since he took office? Who amongst you believes God abandoned George Bush to his own thinking?

I hope He didn’t, since bad shit tends to happen when George tries to think on his own.

And do we believe George Bush looked into the face of the Almighty and said, “Back off Big Guy, I’ve got it under control.”

I can honestly see Bush saying something like that. What’s more, I can see Debbie praising him for saying it.

Who in the name of God honestly believes that?

Uhm… Debbie Daniel?

Have you noticed George Bush doesn’t duck and cover when the stones are hurled at him? Most of us would buckle. His tenacious spirit has kept us safe (no buildings falling here).

Now that the enemy ? no, not Osama bin Laden ? but the enemy on the left has started throwing rocks at Christians, doesn’t it tell you loud and clear who they were really trying to denounce?

Does anyone see the picture now? We’ve not been crippled by terrorists ? we’ve been crippled by our own fellow Americans.

They can’t beat George down, but when they started in on us . . . we quivered. We don’t like being called “White Christians.”

I don’t see why not, since, you know, you are white Christians.

We don’t like being told we’ve never worked a hard day in our lives.

So, you might want to get ready for the next attack. Either “buck up” or get out the white handkerchiefs ? if we’re going to be accused of being “White Christians,” we need to live up to our name.

“And that means hurling rocks at sinful liberals!”

Well, that was a fun journey into one woman’s madness. And say, while we’re here, let’s check out Kaye Grogan’s latest piece, “Please God . . . rescue us from a one-world order inclusion”:

I shudder to think what the one-world order religion is going to be.

I do too, especially if Alan Keyes is in charge.

And to make it more precise ? I shudder to think what the consequences are going to be to those, who will adamantly refuse to denounce God. Yes, I’m talking about the God this nation was founded on! I bet you folks thought our government was just being accommodating, and perhaps they were at the time, when they foolishly agreed to tell all foreigners “to come on over!”

Hey, does “Grogan” sound like a Native American name to you guys? (And incidentally, since many of the immigrants coming to America right now are Latin American Catholics, I doubt they’re going to ban Christianity any time soon.)

Maybe it’s time to go back and do a little research on who came up with the brilliant . . . but not so brilliant long term decision, to allow people of other cultures to come over and challenge the American traditional values ? which would be grounds to be executed or thrown out of foreign countries ? if the roles were reversed. Many see this as the first step for forming a one-world order using America as the pasty.

“The UN will make America a pasty over my pale white corpse!”

While my husband was serving in the military as an Airman Police officer, he was told by his “superiors” that he was to respect the cultures of the foreign countries he would be assigned to. Now here is what I am getting at: before anyone can become a legal citizen of the United States there needs to be a “clause” in the oath or document stipulating that they will either denounce their own country, and become loyal to America ? or at the very least not infringe upon or expect the American culture to conform to their religious beliefs or the cultures of their country.

So it’s impossible to be a loyal American without first denouncing your old country. Call me crazy, but I don’t think Tony Blair will be happy after George Bush calls the Brits “a wanky bunch of mayonnaise-slurping pantywaists.”

This would tie the hands of groups fighting to ignore or totally abolish the rights ? especially the religious rights of Americans favoring the cultures of other countries above those in America.

I’ve read this sentence five times, and I still can’t make any goddamn sense of it.

The American Civil Liberties Union (ACLU) is encouraging through their undaunted drive, to force Americans to give up their religious rights to appease the religious rights of foreigners. The ACLU should change their organizational title to emphasize what they really stand for. How about: “Against Christians Living Under-God?”

Wouldn’t that spell “ACLUG?”

Let’s look at how one foreign country views their country’s loyalty. Did you know that the Filipino youth have to recite their native pledge every morning before starting class? Only in their pledge, they are ordered . . . yes, ordered to swear to obey and uphold the laws by being good citizens, and to love all Filipinos.

I dunno… that sounds pretty gay to me.

I must “commend” the leaders of the Philippines for trying to build “patriotism ” and instill allegiance to the country in their youth. Our allegiance practice here in America is on very “shaky” ground . . . to say the least. In fact, if the shaky ground could be registered on a Richter scale ? it would be equivalent beyond the “magnitude” of all prior earthquakes.

Boy, I would love to see how far groups similar to the ACLU would last in that country! I bet they would last about as long as an ice cube in Hell. Yeah, they would be melted away in about two seconds flat!

I love how Kaye thinks it’s good for governments to use nationalism to crush opposition from civil liberties organizations.

If the real truth is revealed, the “microscopic ” part of the truth (we’re talking about here) . . .

Gavin’s penis?

…probably centers around completely disarming the people, replacing their arms with invisible shackles, so they can be controlled robots to be programmed accordingly.

I dunno, Kaye, an army of Filipino Robots sounds pretty damn fearsome.

In other words, the one-world order is more than likely a conspiracy to weaken the power in America, and fulfill the combined scheme to take Americans hostage.

“And to fight it, we must construct Filipino Robots of our own!”

The weakening of the power in America part of my theory is coming to fruition. The economy is a perfect example. Take away or ban all charge cards, and the economy would hit rock bottom immediately.

Which is probably why no one wants to ban credit cards, Kaye.

If you study the botched up state of the United Nations due to corruption, there is no way anyone can argue convincingly . . . a one-world order is viable or a “league of nations” is good for the world. The United Nations cannot promote “unification” when the representatives from the participating countries wouldn’t know harmony and peace if it knocked the wind out of them.

I never knew peace and harmony could knock the wind out of anyone, but hey, that’s why Alan Keyes pays Kaye fourteen cents per column.

The majority in the U.N. only tolerate the participation of the United States, because we lead the way in “stupidity” for doling out stockpiles of money, every time a foreign country supposedly needs help.

Hey, we wouldn’t be leading the way in stupidity if Bush had lost the election. You got only yourself to blame for that one.

Yeah . . . I guess they do need help to build up their war arsenals. And if we’re going to be blown off of the map ? we might as well pay for the best weapons money can buy.

After all ? weapons of mass destruction (WMD’s) found so far, are cheap and outdated.

As the super power of the world . . . don’t we deserve the best of everything?

And that’s just my opinion!

And that’s all the wingnuttery I can stand for one week! Have a great weekend! (And try to get some sun- you don’t want to look patsy all Summer.)