An Assful of Secrets (episode iii)

A car door slammed, then another. The gravel road crunched with footsteps. My head felt like one of those giant balloons in the Macy’s Thanksgiving Day Parade, only filled with Ow! instead of helium.

Rubber cement could mean only one thing: Kaye Grogan. I had plans to visit Ms. Grogan later, but some rat must have squealed. The footsteps had nearly reached the back of the car.

“Duh, the boss is gonna like this one!” a thick voice said. “Do you think we’ll get a special reward?”

“Shut up, Mugsy!” said a smaller, nasal voice. “And get your hand out of your pants — that’s really disgusting.”

The trunk opened and two henchmen stood there, decked out in matching tiger-stripe velour suits with bouffy Bon Jovi hairdos that they were about twenty years too old to get away with, assuming anyone ever really does.

It was dark and a fat moon hung over the horizon — I’d been under for hours. I’d smuggled a pistol past the incompetent, minimum-wage private security at the airport, but the holster was empty. My flash-bang grenades, Taser, hat with a razor-sharp brim, CS gas canister, and tiny, radio-controlled drone aircraft were gone too. There was also no sign of my suitcase.

One henchman was shaped like a 7-foot bowling pin with its hand down its pants, while the other was what you’d call runty — except not to his face at the moment, because he was holding an automatic rifle. Behind them was a McMansion painted in leopard spots with an enormous, spotlit flag flying in the yard. Topiary jungle cats lined the front walk.

“Out of the car, bub!” said the runty, nasal one. “And that ain’t ‘just my opinion,’ see?”

A shriek came from the house. “Get in here, you jerks!” Grogan screamed. “I have some beautiful poetry to get out of my system!”

Suddenly I realized what was happening. The world spun, and I fell back into sweet, black unconsciousness.


Comments: 22


Oh no! Whatever will happen to our fearless hero? Is this the end for the formerly weapon-clad blogfoot?


Oh no, not Kaye’s poetry! That inhuman monster!!!


Great stuff, Gavin! Keep going! Amber and Kaye so far…I hope Swankenstein makes an appearance, too.


Oh, the suspense…what other dirty secrets will our hero encounter in Wingnuttia?

I’m on the edge of my seat, man. It’s like a damned monster truck rally!


This thing has more twists than Chubby Checker’s career. The only bad thing is that once this is over, I’m afraid I’ll never read again, for all other literature will seem lifeless and drab. Thanks, Gavin, for ruining reading for me.


tg, admit it. Gavin has already ruined reading for a lot of people.


Gavin, this is good so far, but it needs more anal rape.


Chandler with wingnuts. Nice. Brad is right, though. Could use more anal rape.


Gavin, this is good so far, but it needs more anal rape.This from the man who sullied my favorite childhood teasing song by substituting “A-S-S-R-A-P-E”. Yes, I chuckled at the time, but now I wear the tears of a clown when there’s no one around. You, sir, are a Sodomite (not to be confused with a Vegemite)!


I THOUGHT those Vogons in HG2G reminded me of somebody…..


only filled with Ow! instead of helium
“OW!(tm)” is a registered trademark for ConGlomCo’s artifical pain-derived helium substitute; note that the exclamation point is part of the trademark and must be present in any reference to OW!(tm).


Gavin, this is good so far, but it needs more anal rape.

Posted by Brad R. at June 16, 2005 05:19 PM

Of course there will be anal rape. Look at the title of this hard-boiled potboiler. The climax will involve Rummy, Gitmo and a tube of KY.

Good show, Gavin.


You, sir, are a Sodomite (not to be confused with a Vegemite)!

I’m actually not- I think asses are nasty.


(But that doesn’t take away from the fact that anal rape is pretty damn funny.)


“Vegemite”? Would that be a sodomite with a carrot?


I figured out how to work anal rape into the story- it’s gonna be a PULP FICTION-style scene involving Kaye as Zed and Yosef as “the gimp…”

suburban refugee

Vegemite is the stuff that’s real big in Australia. It’s like your mouth is being sodomized.


and Yosef as “the gimp…”

Hey! Those throwaway lines are supposed to be aimed at Retardo!


Anal rape is funny to a point.. the point being the vicinity of my ass.


Yes.. I agree ..8


(comments are closed)