Just Shoot Me Now
My friend Kristin points us to this charming article:
Marcia Thompson Eldreth sees in the United States a Christian nation, inspired by Scripture and dedicated to propositions conveyed in biblical prophesy. She asks: Why not a U.S. national Christian flag?
Uh, probably because of the First Amendment. You know, the one that reads, “Congress shall make no law respecting an establishment of religion.”
“Our nation was based on Judeo-Christian principles,” Eldreth said. “Blessed is the country whose God is Lord.”
Hey, I’ve got an idea! Let’s compare Marcia’s Christian flag to the flag of another religious country, like, oh, I don’t know, Iran’s.
This is the Iranian flag. Since I don’t speak Arabic, let’s consult this article at Nation Master to learn what it means:
The shape in the center of the flag is a stylized representation of the word Allah in the shape of a tulip, a symbol of martyrdom. ALLAH AKBAR (God is Great in Arabic) is repeated in white script along the bottom edge of the green band along the top edge of the red band.
So just like Marcia, the Iranians think their country is blessed because they’ve chosen God as their Lord. Now let’s take a look at Marcia’s flag:
OK, we’ve got an American eagle sticking its talons into a bloody crucifix with the inscription, “And this gospel of the Kingdom shall be preached in all the world… and then shall the end come.” Now that’s the kind of cheery message that deserves my allegiance!
Also, note that the flag has 50 stars, just like the secularist American flag. According to Marcia, the stars represent “American Christians in each of the 50 states.” This is a vast improvement over the sodomy-enabling stars ‘n’ stripes, which purports to represent all Americans, even if they’re hell-bound.
But wait! The fun doesn’t stop there! Let’s learn how Marcia came up with the design for the Christian Flag:
A flag. A Christian flag. The notion struck Eldreth, not least because she has done quite a bit of painting and drawing over the years. She said she thought to herself: “Well, that’s got your name on it, Marcia.”
She has made 2,500 of the banners, but is not sure how many she has sold.
She figures on setting up a makeshift call center in the living room and kitchen, just as she did last Flag Day. What a day that was.
Phones were ringing steadily on six lines, Eldreth said, when a thunderstorm rolled in over the house.
“I turned on the prayer and worship music because it started to feel like a spiritual attack,” Eldreth said. She recalled stepping to the front door in time to see lightning strike a utility pole across the road: “I saw a ball of blue fire come off that telephone pole.”
The bolt knocked out the phones until the next morning. Eldreth understood it as a sign.
“I took it as spiritual warfare,” Eldreth said. “I grinned when the fire come off the pole.” She said she thought, “Thanks for the affirmation, Satan.”
Of course, this also might have been God’s way of saying, “Stop being such a Me-damned moron, woman!”
When thinking about her vision for a new flag, Eldreth said she knew about the international Christian flag that was created, as the story goes, in a Coney Island chapel in New York in 1897. That simple design is a white banner with a red cross on a dark blue canton in the upper left corner.
Nothing so generic would do in this case. Eldreth wanted a distinctly American flag. She consulted her Bible, and voices on high.
“I was having a conversation with the Lord, although I was here in my kitchen. I was saying, ‘This is your flag, Lord, what do you want on it?'”
“But when God said, ‘Strippers, lots of strippers,’ I decided not to consult Him anymore.”
The answer, she said, came when she saw in her head a picture of “an eagle carrying a cross.”
She did not complete the project until some weeks later, when she said she was inspired to pack her art supplies one Sunday morning and drive 300 miles to The Founders Inn. The hotel stands on the grounds of the Christian Broadcasting Network in Virginia Beach, Va., producer of The 700 Club.
The next morning, she said, she noticed that the inscription above the door on the CBN building quotes Matthew 24:14, a call for global evangelism: “And this gospel of the kingdom shall be preached in all the world for a witness unto all nations; and then shall the end come.”
Because there’s nothing that represents the American ideals of democracy and freedom better than apocalyptic evangelism.
Eldreth is untroubled by the notion of combining American and Christian symbols this way, as she quickly answers yes when asked whether the American purpose in the world is a specifically Christian project. Short of curbing freedom of religion, the U.S. government should not shy from declaring its service to scriptural ends, Eldreth said.
Yeah, but if America strictly followed Christian principles, we’d have to stop invading other countries and abolish the death penalty, and what fun would that be?
A few of those around the country who bought flags after seeing The 700 Club would seem to agree.
“I believe this country can only be great if God is behind us, and he is,” said Gary Folk, who displays his national Christian flag on a pole in front of his home in Cloverdale, Calif. “That’s why we are a superpower.”
“‘God gave us the best weapons systems in the world,’ Folk added. ‘And let me tell ya- there’s nothing that’d please God more than building a missile defense shield.'”
Bobby Ables, of Stephenville, Texas, displays his national Christian flag on a living room wall, next to the Stars and Stripes. He said, “I don’t get in politics too much,” but as he sees it, the flag suitably mixes God and country: “That’s what we are, a patriotic, Christian country.”
Y’know, if the Founding Fathers had intended America to be a “Christian country,” don’t you think they would have, you know, mentioned Jesus or Christianity somewhere in the Constitution or the Declaration of Independence? Just asking.
Eldreth would have her customers fly the national Christian flag alongside or below the Star and Stripes, suggesting a foundation of the country, not a substitute for the traditional symbol. For all the blessings Americans have received, she said, “It’s time for America to bless God.”
Boooooooo! That’s no fun! Fuck that lesbian Betsy Ross and her carpet-munching vagina flag!!
Y’know, I’m glad Marcia designed a Christian flag, but there’s still something missing- a pledge of allegiance!
Call me crazy, but I think Sadly, No! readers are just the people to help her out. Your mission, should you choose to accept it, is to write a proper pledge for Marcia’s flag. Your pledge should probably include references to sodomy and/or killing womb babies, but pretty much anything goes.
UPDATE: Andrew A. Gill has set a very high bar for the rest of you:
I pledge allegiance to the Christian flag
of the United States of America
And to the Republicans, with whom Jesus stands
One state, under Jesus
With liberty and justice for straights.
Amen.
Incidentally, if someone could find Marcia’s contact information, I’ll send her all the best pledge entries…
Brad, you need help. So here it comes:
Yeah, but if America strictly followed Christian principles, we’d have to stop invading other countries and abolish the death penalty, and what fun would that be?
No, you see, that’s the beauty of Evangelicalism–it’s post-Catholic, post-Reformation, and post-Enlightenment! You make it up as you go!
Y’know, if the Founding Fathers had intended America to be a “Christian country,” don’t you think they would have, you know, mentioned Jesus or Christianity somewhere in the Constitution or the Declaration of Independence?
The standard response is that it does mention a Creator.
write a proper pledge for Marcia’s flag.
Here’s one to the international Christian Flag:
“I pledge allegiance to the Christian Flag and to the Savior for whose kingdom it stands. One brotherhood, uniting all mankind, in service and love.”
I would like the undead corpses of the founding fathers to show up at Ms. Eldreth’s house with 50 copies of the Treaty of Tripoli, and force her to read Article 11 from each copy before crumpling it up and shoving it in her ignorant nutjob piehole.
Pledge to Marcia’s flag:
I pledge allegiance to the Christian flag
of the United States of America
And to the Republicans, with whom Jesus stands
One state, under Jesus
With liberty and justice for straights.
Amen.
I tried “pledge fealty” but it was too much of a giveaway.
Also, “under Jesus” may be changed to “Under the non-trinitarian Jesus” in order to curry favor with the oneness pentecostal whackos.
Andrew has set a very high standard for the rest of you to live up to.
I pledge allegiance, to the fag, er, um, Manly Jesus Flag, of the United Satans, er, States of Amurca. And to Jerry Falwell, George Bush, and Randall Terry, and Eric Rudolph. One abortion clinic, blown up under God, with liberty and justice for all Christians, except for those who commit sodomy.
I’m really not any good at this.
One abortion clinic, blown up under God, with liberty and justice for all Christians, except for those who commit sodomy.
LOL. That’s pretty goddamn funny.
I pledge abhorrence,
To the fags…
Well, before we write a new pledge, we must first rename this country… The Christian States of America.
Now, here’s the brand new CSA Pledge of Allegiance:
I pledge Allegiance to the Christian States of America, and to the Jesus for which it stands.
This Jesus stands for Guns, lotsa guns.
These guns should be used to shoot sodomites (and sodomettes).
Shooting brown people is good too.
This Jesus stands for the Ten Commandments in every public area, including all classrooms.
This Jesus hates evolution. All scientists who accept evolution as fact are to be second-class citizens with no rights.
This Jesus hates women. Women should be barefoot and pregnant, and forced to recite Lisa Welchel platitudes all day.
This Jesus bestows the right to vote upon all (male) blastocyst-Americans (and assumes they all vote Republican).
This Jesus smiles broadly upon the Christian Coalition, Focus on the Family, FRC, AFA, etc., but disdains the Pope.
Oh, and something about love and neighbor, but it isn’t all that important.
One nation, free of pagans, with liberty (whatever the hell that is), and justice (at the tip of Jesus’ sword) for all (who are white and fundamentalist Christians).
Why is that center emblem magenta, maroon, ice blue, and tan? Did Marcia Thompson Eldreth design the uniforms for the Arizona Diamondbacks? Speaking of which, the American Jeebus flag reminds me of the major league baseball logo for interleague play.
I’d just like to say that the center of that Christian flag would make a fine and colorful coaster for alcoholic drinks…
Pledge-ku
I pledge my heart to the US of A
Where for all from zygote to grave
We defend your rights
With a culture of life
Unless you are Jewish, Muslim, or gay
Hemlock-
That’s very very funny (but it’s a limerick ;-))
I pledge obeisance to the flag
Of the Republican States of America
And to The Party, for which it stands:
White Christians, under George,
Hating atheists and homos
A lot!
Brad: maybe “Pledger-ick”, then?
Stop stalking Marcia’s flag!!!!!
Whoops, sorry. I think I was the victim of a possession by SondraK for a minute there.
The Nazi flag was a twisted Cross.
This was on that joke site with Lambuel and the “ban Landover Baptist” site. Honestly! this guy named “Diamond Jack Holgroth” was trying to make this:
the American flag and gave this explanation:
“The current Flag of the United States of America (for the benefit of non-Americans and poorly educated Public School graduates). While beautiful, an ignorant foreigner might mistakenly suspect we were Astrologists or some sort of Stripe Fetishists instead of proper Christians.”
But my current favorite parody is Bibleman.
oops. HTML problems.
Here is the flag.
and this is Bibleman.
Pandagon’s got some funny comments on this.
…Dude, I’m pretty sure Bibleman is serious.
I pledge complete and total submission to Jesus Christ, and hereby trade my brain for a gun, which I can use to make everybody else submit too.
Alternately, we could all just scream “Kiss me, Son of God”. Same thing.
Speaking of Pandagon, Jesse’s right, there’s no way that eagle could carry that cross. Why don’t we just put a swallow carrying a coconut on the flag and be done with it.
I’m just thinking how great that flag would look ON FIRE!
I’m just thinking how great that flag would look ON FIRE!
Wow! What a coincidence–I was thinking how great that flag would look on acid.
Incidentally, I was also thinking that I would be less opposed to an anti-desecration amendment if it prohibited real desecration, like flying the flag backwards or at night without a light, or soiling it or washing it, or making clothes or towels out of it, or making bumper stickers out of it or flying it in your pickup bed…
Basically, everything here.
You hung that flag with the stars to the west! You’ll hang for that, traitor!
Doesn’t she know there’s already a Christian flag? There’s even a pledge to it, too! (I used to have to say it back in the day as I was part of a Christian organization; and at the beginning of all their meetings, we had to say both the pledge to the US flag and the Christian one.)
The Christian flag is predominantly white, but in the corner–instead of fifty white stripes on a navy blue background–there’s a red cross on a royal blue background. The pledge I had to say goes like this:
I pledge allegiance to the Christian flag; and to the Saviour for whose kingdom it stands–one Saviour, crucified, risen, and coming again, with life and liberty to all who believe.
shelly–
in TFA, she mentioned that she knew the international Christian flag, but she wanted a national one, too.
Interleague Play that was just priceless.
Here’s my offering- in the propering naming (CSA) of the nation and in a language proper for these people.
Sieg Heil!
Ich verspreche Untertanentreue zur Markierungsfahne, von den Christlichen Zust?nden von Amerika
Und zu Jesus, f?r den sie steht
Eine Nation, unter GOTT, zum reinterate: Unter GOTT!, ein vassal zu Jesus
Mit ewiger Verbeugung und Verschrottung f?r alle!
Um, Iranians are Persians, not Arabs, they speak Farsi. I’m a nit picking son of a bitch, I know. Keep strong my American friends, don’t turn into the world’s largest, nuclear armed, world dominating theocratic-superpower. That’d really suck for people like me who just want to visit San Franciso.
Shit, nevermind a pledge competition, what you need is a “design a flag which doesn’t totally suck” competition. That has to be the ugliest excuse for a flag I’ve ever seen.
Unfortunately for the fundies, you can probably count the number of right-wing graphic designers in North America on one hand. And it shows.
All right. I’ve said this before, but that “America needs to bless God” crap is REALLY getting on my nerves.
It’s on a bumper sticker that’s spreading all over NW Arkansas — probably all over the Bible Belt, for all I know.
Don’t these idiots recognize blasphemy when it comes out of their ignorant mouths?
Here’s a hint, you ignorant wankers: “Praise God, from whom all blessings flow…”
Read your own damn text, just one time, will you PLEASE.
?Why don’t we just put a swallow carrying a coconut on the flag and be done with it.? An African swallow? No way! We don’t want no stinkin’ n*ggers!
I pledge allegiance to the flag,
of the United Konservative Kristian Kountry of America,
And to the Conservative Christian Revolution,
for which it stands,
One Party, known as the Republicans,
Fighting Against the Secular Liberal Homosexual Feminist Baby Killing Agenda.
Amen.
Bit o’ silliness
I pledge allegiance to the flag
Of the United Stores of Krispy Kreme
And to the confections for which they stand
One doughnut, with a hole
With sprinkles and filling for all.
Vestal Vespra,
I clicked on the Bibleman link. “Horrified” is an understatement.
Reminds me of Chris Rock in South Carolina, trying to suggest an alternative to the confederate “stars and bars,” perhaps replacing with the “stars of the WB.”
Why do you hate Dumbfuckistan?
The answer, she said, came when she saw in her head a picture of “an eagle carrying a cross.”
‘Cos, you know, as Jesus Himself said:
“Blessed are the warmongers who proclaim a raptor as their symbol, for in My Name they shall bomb the hell out of little brown people.
He he- Glen: I’m just waiting for “Bibleman on Ice.”