It’s Tuesday, and that means it’s time yet another Jim Rutz column. For those of you who don’t know, Rutz is the author of Megashift, a book about God’s plan to raise people from the dead to form a holy army of Christian Zombies (I should mention at this point that it’s supposed to be non-fiction).

Today, Rutz writes that a “new version” of Christianity is giving people the power to perform miracles, including bringing their relatives back from the grave. He says that these new powers represent a new, decentralized church where people worship Jesus in their own way, without any crusty old preachers telling them what to do. He also says we should “turn on, tune in, and worship Jesus,” and warns us not to trust any prophets over 40.

After that, things get really wingnutty, as Rutz expounds on the history of Western Civilization:

The West then floundered desperately through a series of mindsets: Enlightenment philosophy, French-style revolution, Lockean limited government, Fabian socialism, and now a market-managing political bureaucracy from Roosevelt and Keynes (which has just suffered a whopping setback). Last week’s rejection of a United States of Europe by independent-minded voters in Holland and France dovetails with the Bush effort to bring freedom and independence to the Middle East. And both events are subsets of a wider phenomenon: the transfer of power from the top of the pyramid to the bottom. Democracy is not the Kingdom of God, but in a free atmosphere, people more often choose to follow Him.

So all those philosophers, scientists and economists, from Voltaire to Locke to Keynes, were godless atheists who were wrong about everything. The only true philosophers are Jesus Christ and his heir apparent, the pro-death penalty, pro-war George W. Bush.

This change is broader than government. In industry, the guys on the shop floor now just punch a computer to get the information that once had to be parsed out by middle management (R.I.P.). In the media, 8 million bloggers ? and websites like WorldNetDaily ? are starting to supplant the giant TV networks and newspapers.

Y’know, I like blogs. I really do. The best blogs provide intelligent commentary from people who would otherwise never have their voices heard. They’re basically interactive op-ed columns that are updated daily instead of twice a week.

But they have their limits. When my friends say to me, “Brad, Sadly, No! is my only source for news,” I wanna smack them. Similarly, when I think about The New York Times being replaced by a website that promotes books about demonic half-breed giants building the Egyptian pyramids in tribute to Satan, my spine goes into such a deep freeze that I have to hire perverted gnomes to thaw it out with miniature dildo flame-throwers.

In education, homeschools have broken the National Education Association monopoly. In entertainment, G-rated films have mushroomed.

It seems strange that G-rated movies are part of God’s divine plan. I mean, if you made a movie of the Old Testament, it’d warrant a sextuple-X rating. Leviticus alone features animal sacrifices, people being stoned to death for blasphemy, and instructions for cleaning jizz off your clothes.

But perhaps the most foundational changes are happening in the church, the traditional guardian of society’s key values. If you’ve always been a Sunday-go-to-meetin’ kind of Christian, you now have an exciting alternative. Without changing one iota of your beliefs, you can upgrade yourself from a pew potato to a world-changing pioneer.

And just like in scientology, I’m sure every new “power” costs you a shitload of money.

Joseph Farah, in his brilliant May 25 column and his book, “Taking America Back,” states that turn-back-the-clock conservatives cannot win the battle for America because their strategy is purely defensive. He says we need a radically positive vision.

Bingo. And here are the two main ways that vision is going to win. One, we’re going to overwhelm the secular liberals by sheer numbers (see my first column), thus enabling us to pass a sweeping series of truly progressive reforms based on a radical vision like Mr. Farah’s.

Above: Mr. Farah’s radical vision.

And two, we’re going to cooperate with God in re-creating the church, turning the people from a professionally led audience into proactive disciples who get their directions straight from the Spirit. (We can’t change diehard spectators, but we can change many believers and bring in a billion more in the next 11 to 12 years.) […]

Why are people leaving their warm, comfortable pews for this new adventure in faith?

Because they’re on crack?

What do they gain?

Crack, obviously.

Could this be something you should be involved with?

Well, I only make around $30,000 a year and don’t have the spare income to pay for these new Jesus Powers (a.k.a., drugs), so I’m gonna say, “Sadly, No!”

See you next Tuesday.

Will do.

While we’re waiting breathlessly for Jim’s next piece, let’s take a look at the latest column from his idol, the “radical visionary” Joseph Farah:

Above: The Prophet Farah, complete with sagely giant mustache.

The president & the porn star

June 7, 2005

I want you to imagine the squeals of outrage we would have heard if, back in the 1990s, President Clinton spoke to a Democratic congressional fund-raising dinner attended by a porn star and a pornographer.

But the “family values” Republicans are mute about just such an event scheduled for next week ? involving not Clinton, but President Bush.

I gotta admit, Joe’s right: if Mullah Dobson & Friends were consistent, they’d be making a big stink about this. This is why I like being a liberal: it’s perfectly consistent for me to not give a shit about Bush meeting with a porn star.

Last week, Carl Forti, communications director for the National Republican Congressional Committee, explained to WND that self-described pornographer Mark Kulkis and his date, porn star Mary Carey, will be attending the two-day event, “The 2005 President’s Dinner and Salute to Freedom,” next Monday and Tuesday because their money is just as good as anyone else’s.

“They’ve paid their money,” he said. “No matter what they do, the money is going to go to help elect Republicans to the House.”

So the Republican Party is accepting money from unethical people. Shocking.

For $5,000, Cary and Kulkis will be in the same room as the president one day and presidential confidant Karl Rove another.

I dunno, that sounds pretty damn appropriate.

And the pair make no secret about why they want to be there ? to buy influence with top political leaders, the Republican Party and credibility for themselves and their “profession.”

Hey, better them than the tobacco companies.

Carey is something of a publicity-monger, having run for California governor against Arnold Schwarzenegger on a platform of making lap dances tax deductible, recruiting porn stars as “ambassadors of good will and putting webcams in every room of the governor’s mansion.”

In other words, California really, really should have elected Ms. Carey governor.

“I’m especially looking forward to meeting Karl Rove,” she said. “Smart men like him are so sexy. I know that he’s against gay marriage, but I think I can convince him that a little girl-on-girl action now and then isn’t so bad.”

I’m not tasteless enough to wonder if she’ll recruit Mary Cheney for the cause. Well, actually I am, but don’t tell my mom.

Last month, she was arrested with four others at a new strip club in Tacoma, Wash., for getting too close to customers and touching themselves in a sexual manner.

Let me get this straight: they were arrested for getting too close to customers in a strip club? This reminds me of that old George Carlin joke: “Here’s something you’ll never hear a man say: ‘Stop sucking my dick before I call the police.'”

Kulkis, meanwhile, also serves as honorary chairman of the NRCC’s Business Advisery Council, apparently advising the GOP on behalf of the porn industry.

“I’m honored to be invited to this event,” he says. “Republicans bill themselves as the pro-business party. Well, you won’t find a group of people more pro-business than pornographers. We contributed over $10 billion to the national economy last year.”

I’m too lazy to fact-check this, but he’s probably right. If you banned porno, the entire American economy would collapse.

Is there anyone Republicans won’t take money from?

Nope.

Would they take money directly from the mob, which backs most porn?

Hey, how do you think Bernie Kerik got a job in the first place?

Would they take money from white slave traders?

You mean they don’t already?

Would they take money from kiddie-porn producers? What would be their price for access and influence in the White House and Republican Congress ? or have they already paid it?

Yes, Joe. Politicians are whores. You have the naivet? of a four-year-old.

When asked by WND’s White House correspondent Les Kinsolving about the attendance of this pair at the Republican event, White House spokesman Scott McClellan played dumb, claiming he had not yet looked that far ahead on the president’s schedule.

Joe, I’ve watched Scott McClellan long enough to know that he ain’t playing.

Incidentally, WND’s White House correspondent is really, really funny. Here’s a transcript of him asking McClellan about Bush’s visit with the porn star:

WND: Since the president is scheduled to attend a Republican fund-raiser on June the 14th, which will also be attended by California gubernatorial candidate and porn star Mary Carey, what guarantee does the White House have that she will do nothing pornographic at this event? What will be done if she does?

Uhm, they’d probably arrest her for doing something pornographic in public, Les. That’s kinda how those things work. (But to be fair, they might also send her to Tom DeLay’s hot-tub, although I don’t think that’s the answer Les was looking for.)

OK, back to Mr. Farah:

Maybe you don’t think this is an important issue. I do. I think presidents are defined by the kind of people with whom they meet.

So if Bush meets with Chinese President Hu Jintao, that means he’s a commie.

Clinton got away with murder as president, but he probably would not knowingly have met publicly with pornographers. Instead, if I know Clinton, he would have accepted the money and arranged a quiet, private meeting with the porn star.

Plus, he would have fucked the porn star.

He was politically astute enough to know his political opponents would take him to task.

But who is going to take Bush to task?

Why am I the only one who seems to care?

Because you’re lame and have no life?

Where are all those “family-values” allies of Bush now?

They’re probably screwing porn stars.

Why isn’t anyone else speaking up?

Mark my words: If Bush and the Republicans go through with this meeting, it will come back to bite them. Their hypocrisy is about to be demonstrated to the entire world.

It wouldn’t be the first time.