Nachos con carne de Pawlik
NACHOS
All you do is get ground beef, and put ranch seasoning mix and taco seasoning mix on top of it before browning it. That – putting those seasonings on top – is the secret.
Shouldn’t you mix it in?
Well, whatever: A woman must have her secrets, but putting taco seasoning mix in ground beef to make it taste ‘Mexican’ is not one of your Mata Hari, Garbo-type deals. What are people supposed to think? “Eeyagh! This is made of Mexicans!” “No, no — it’s just ‘Mexican flavoring!’ See?” [Holds up packet of Old El Paso taco-flavoring mix.] [Guest looks puzzled but relieved.]
The ranch dressing mix is just ambient; it goes in her breakfast cereal and in the Metamucil she takes at night to help purge the impacted saturated fats from her colon.
Brown the meat, then put it on top of some nacho chips. Put Sargento’s Mexican cheese (at all grocery stores, make sure to get this cheese too) over top of it. Put it in the microwave for 30 seconds. You can add to it whatever you want.
Like cream cheese.
Some people put a layer of salsa on it and just eat it like that. I chop up green peppers, red peppers and red onions and put them on top
To make it healthy! This salsa magically appears mid-recipe — it comes from a bottle labeled, ‘Heinz Ketchup with Onions.’
as well as sour cream.
Nix on the cream cheese then — that base is covered. Well, maybe a little cream cheese.
WARNING: You will never be able to order nachos at a restaurant or bar ever again,
Well that might be true, because if word gets out to the Mexican kitchen staff that you’ve been making this, they’ll make you up a plate of ‘snotchos,’ if you know what I’m saying.
as they simply won’t measure up to the ones you can make at home.
In terms of fat, preservatives, and MSG. Plus, you can’t be assured that the nachos you get in a restaurant will contain powdered ranch dressing.
Huh? No frijoles? Nachos just aren’t nachos sans refritos. And what’s with ground beef? Soak a chunk of rump roast (or a combo of rump and pork shoulder) in a couple of bottles of beer, a chopped up serrano, a couple of garlic cloves, a bunch of cumin, and some oregano in a caste iron pot. After a couple of hours add some chopped up onions bring it to a boil and simmer for a couple of hours. Then PULL the meat apart. Ground meat my lily white anglo fanny.
The is a vein comedy gold. Has anyone checked out Amb?re Brillat-Savarin’s recipe for Chicken Cheesy Hashbrowns? With the mayo, the Velveeta, the honey mustard BBQ sauce? Not to mention a wine recommendation: cabernet sauvignon. Or kabernette sovig-non, most likely.
No wonder Seb has such a huge problem with loose bowels and flatulence.
Has anyone checked out Amb?re Brillat-Savarin’s recipe for Chicken Cheesy Hashbrowns? With the mayo, the Velveeta, the honey mustard BBQ sauce?
(Spoiler alert!)
You should have protested “Don’t get ahead of me!”
You know, upon further reflection, maybe this is a collossal joke on Amber’s part. You’ll notice Amber recommends “to cut off all fat” in her Cheesy-Chicken-Velveeva’palooza. Isn’t that the subtlest wit you’ve ever come across?
Just reading about it makes my arteries harden. It’s just a matter of time before a gang of ninja chefs kills this woman with spatulas and egg beaters.
I hate to steal a line from Peggy Noonan, “But oh the implications. Literally: the horror.”
I feel that this particular bit of text (if by text, I mean the result of an impacted colon exploding violently onto a piece of paper) is much more applicable here talking about these alleged ‘nachos’ than in her article.
I should seriously be trading recipes with Amber. I have this *fabulous* Spam-and-Velveeta Quiche…
You should have protested “Don’t get ahead of me!”
You know, upon further reflection, maybe this is a collossal joke on Amber’s part. You’ll notice Amber recommends “to cut off all fat” in her Cheesy-Chicken-Velveeva’palooza. Isn’t that the subtlest wit you’ve ever come across?
Shhh! Serious; I was totally holding that one in reserve.
I might have to skip this dish and go directly to the…you know, dessert item. Heh heh. Heh heh heh heh heh.
This makes *me* sick in my soul. Being from Texas, this is at least as heretical as, say, deriding Famous Ray’s Original in favor of some kind of horrendous Midwestern (but not Chicagoan!) concoction.
If you want to make your food “taste Mexican,” perhaps you should, oh, PREPARE IT AUTHENTICALLY. (This actually rules out nachos. But I do recommend huitlacoche.)
I might have to skip this dish and go directly to the…you know, dessert item. Heh heh. Heh heh heh heh heh.
Heh heh. Ok, I’ll shut up now.
I note, at the bottom of that page, a dessert recipe which begins, “Forgive me, but I don’t have exact measurements for this recipe”. The only specific measure she gives is for the quantity of cream cheese — I’m sure now that that’s pathological. My point is: I’m beginning to suspect that this person doesn’t actually cook, or know how to cook. You may have already reached this conclusion.
I note also that Ms. Pawlik is an Objectivist. This ties into a behavior we’ve seen elsewhere in the conservative community, that is, the notion that sufficient willpower and clarity of purpose is a substitute for authority, ability, and talent. We see it in Bill Frist’s diagnosis from afar of Terri Sciavo, we see it in Ayn Rand’s protagonists, we see it in Hitler’s assertion of willpower against Soviet tanks — and we see it here.
She claimed lately that she was ‘in the military,’ always in those exact words. But if you look at her columns on Jessica Lynch or on ‘why women shouldn’t be in the military,’ there’s no hint of it. Also no details as to which branch, or when she might have found time to do it.
It seems to suggest the same Objectivist grandiosity you’re talking about. And yeah, I’m also seeing some weird stuff on the recipe page that makes it seem as though she hasn’t made some of these dishes….
Oh. My. God.
Have you guys read her treatise on Art?
http://www.amberpawlik.com/ArtWork.html
Unbelievable.
I am housesitting, with cats, and I just fed them their dinner, which includes canned food called “Kitty’s Stew”, which made me remember that when this brand first came out, it was called “Kitty Stew”, except then people were asking “Does this contain actual kitty meat?”, so they changed the label.
And that’s what “make it taste Mexican” made me think of.
I have an entire box of Weight Watcher recipe cards from the 1970s, and each recipe sounds Pawlikistic. Wanna buy ’em?
It’s like a museum of daddy-issues! The one with the drill sergeant and the three-year-old is especially…
Wait a minute – is she an objectivist just because of the erotic rape scenes in Rand’s books? Is that the key to everything? Only it doesn’t explain the cuisine….
One’s second thought is that Amber is going to check her site stats soon and see a giant mountain on the graph, then check referrers and see, sadlyno, sadlyno, sadlyno.
She should love us! We’re like the drill sergeant!
The one with the drill sergeant and the three-year-old is especially…
I believe the word you’re looking for is “hot.”
Hey, Amber: what about the Kraft miniature marshmallows? They add that full-bodied texture that Nacho lovers adore.
And hey, Amber, I’m proud of you for finally joining the military! What division are you in, and when do you ship out for Iraq? Could we please see some pictures of you in uniform?
I might have to skip this dish and go directly to the…you know, dessert item. Heh heh. Heh heh heh heh heh.
Ohmygawd. The dessert doesn’t involve… …mayo, does it?
I don’t see why not? Why shouldn’t it include Mayo? Amber’s no bigot.
Anyway, I love how she “blanches” the noodles for her “Stuffed Shells”. Hey, Amber…it’s called par-boiling.
… when this brand first came out, it was called “Kitty Stew”, except then people were asking “Does this contain actual kitty meat?”, so they changed the label.
And that’s what “make it taste Mexican” made me think of.
I thought of the line that will probably be etched on Christina Ricci’s gravestone:
“Are they made with real Girl Scouts?”
From Amber’s ‘art’ site:
She lets herself submit to him, but only because he has earned her submission. If he behaved the slightest bit different, she would withdraw that submission.
I have seriously heard almost this exact same statement from practitioners of S&M. Like, seriously. Sometimes I think chicks become anti-feminist when they’re too closeted to just admit they like being spanked and get ON with their lives.
This Pawlik woman’s recipes simply confirm my suspicion that Ayn Rand fans are insane.
“My taste-memory rebelled half way into the read-through; fuck, and they wonder why the heartland nation is so fucking disgustingly FAT!”
Speaking as a Wisconsinite who has lived all over the country… America’s obesity problem is hardly confined to one area. The disparities between the states pale in comparison to that between the U.S. and the rest of the world. Comparing the Midwest to the rest of the U.S. is like a hog calling a hippo fat.
Anyway, beyond the palatability of Amber’s concoction… how fucking lazy must you be to offer up a “recipe” made up of nearly all pre-packaged foods? This is like listing the ingredients for a PB&J sandwich.
Finally, an explanation! Why Johnny Republican can’t think anymore: All those transfats have clogged up their brains!
It’s just a matter of time. Heart attacks will follow and we’ll all inherit what they haven’t killed off.
Snotchos!
I’ve got to use that one the next time I hear a “Mexican” dish recipe with ranch dressing mix.
A kid in my 8th grade careers class actually invented “Snotchos” as his product. Though funny in itself, it was an inside joke of sorts too: the teacher of that class always picked his nose.
Hmm, Gavin, is your real name Phillip?
The recipe page is sooo bad it looks like a bad parody. No one could possibly be serious with that.
Most normal people realize that you mix the seasoning in post-browning (you strain the browned meat to drain the fat) as per the packaging, but hey I guess reading is hard.
Oh my god….this post and thread…I haven’t laughed so hard in weeks and weeks. The mental image of some wingnut frumpfrau gaily sprinkling powdered ranch mix on raw ground meat…I don’t know whether to laugh or projectile-vomit.
A person who could be proud of these… oh it’s just too fucking horrible.
This reminds me of my friend’s recipie for “crotchos”: cracker nachos.
Take some saltine crackers. Top with velevta. Microwave. Crotchos!
Of course, I think he stopped making those in about 8th grade.
Hmmm… that reminds me of a friend’s attempt at Passover-kosher nachos – melt Pepper Jack on matzoh in the microwave, serve with canned salsa.
As we had just split a bottle of sherry, it tasted quite good.
I imagine most of the food on that page being appealing when on a good drunk.