The Greatest Kaye Grogan Column EVER
I was going to make fun of WorldNetDaily today, but that was before Kaye Grogan’s latest column grabbed my balls and permanently lodged them in my frontal lobe.
It’s got everything we’ve come to expect from Ms. Grogan: mangled grammar, clumsy metaphors, stylistic and thematic chaos, and total incomprehension of its subject matter. Seriously, folks, this one’s got it all. It’s so amazing that my hands are trembling for fear that I won’t be able to do it justice.
OK, deep breath…
Slavery in America very much alive. . .through taxation
Kaye Grogan
June 2, 2005If you thought slavery was a dead issue in the nation ? then loosen up, and I’ll tell you why we are all slaves, and will remain that way until the rapture.
Telling me that I’m a slave isn’t the best way to loosen me up, Kaye. Could you buy me a beer next time?
Just look at your paychecks (really look at them), and gulp at how much money you are giving your government to foolishly squander your hard-earned dollars away. I’m talking about blue-collar workers who really have to slave away for their little hourly minimum wages that are so archaic it’s ridiculous!
Don’t believe it when you hear the government ranting about how raising the minimum wages to a respectable amount would cripple the economy.
By “the government” she means “the Republican Party,” of course.
It’s you they want walking around on crutches ? instead, so they can control your lives to the point of no return.
Yes, they want to cripple you until you’re in a persistent vegetative state, after which they’ll order Judge Greer to pull out your feeding tube.
Let’s look at the price of milk. Almost five bucks for a gallon! Do you realize you are paying nearly one hour of minimum wages, so you and your children can get nourishing milk to drink? This says a lot when God created cows for us to have milk free.
OK, we’re only two paragraphs into the column, and it’s already a gazillion times funnier than any joke I can come up with. This does not bode well.
Of course, the government had to come up with a way to control and profit from free milk didn’t they?
Because if the government didn’t regulate the price of milk, private companies would give it away for free.
After all, it is their duty to see that nothing in life is free ? but trouble.
Kaye’s still bitter that rubber cement isn’t covered in the Medicare Prescription Drug Plan.
So, after long intense studies they claimed the milk had to be pasturized to purify the milk, and now milk has so many chemicals from cows being fed high-tech grain ? you are lucky if you survive after drinking a glass. How much trouble would boiling our own milk be?
Gah! This is literally impossible to mock! It’s just too ridiculous!
If anyone dares to make homemade “moonshine” in stills, way back in the boonies, if caught they will go to jail.
Aha! Now I see why Kaye’s hates the government- they’ve been cracking down on her moonshiner buddies:
Above: Kaye’s friends Joe Bob and Wanda Mae.
The only reason bootlegging is illegal: because the government doesn’t get their fair share in taxes when liquor is bottled in Mason jars and sold to secretive customers.
I.e., to Kaye Grogan and Jenna Bush.
I am surprised the lemonade sold by children at neighborhood lemonade stands, is not taxable or income from yard sales. But don’t make the mistake of ruling it out entirely sometime in the future.
The average American has around 39.6 percent deducted in annual local, federal, and state taxes from their income. Now if you add: property, car, food, groceries, toilet paper ? on and on to the never-ending taxes scheme, you’re paying taxes on everything but the air you breathe.
Taxes on food? Oh wait, I forgot that I live in one of those silly blue states, where such taxes are considered horribly regressive.
But don’t worry, I am sure since air is free ? that will be next.
Kaye will have to give Uncle Sam twenty-five cents every time she huffs glue.
God gave us seven natural wonders in the world to enjoy for free. So what happens? Try going to Natural Bridge in Virginia, as an example, and you will see. You will have to purchase tickets before you can see the bridge.
Yeah, and the government charges money to get into Yellowstone Park so they can “keep it maintained.” What a crock!
If you want to see your heritage in Williamsburg, Virginia (unless you just want to walk around), you will have to purchase tickets. This is just another way to rip you off ? to help keep states rolling in money ? as they claim they are hurting for funds for schools and road repairs.
And who needs money to repair roads, when we all know God can repair them for free?
It’s all just a “gimmick” period.
“The early twenty-first century saw the dawn of the Gimmick Period, the darkest era in American history…”
I really tried to find some positive things to point out about our government, but you know what they say about looking for a needle in a haystack or like trying to find hens’ teeth… it’s virtually impossible!
Just like trying to make sense of Kaye’s columns.
You spend years slaving away paying Social Security taxes ? only to find out the SS fund will be “useless” to you, because you’re paying for all those “baby boomers” to draw their Social Security checks, and there won’t be any left when you reach retirement age.
Well, if you listen to President Bush, sure.
Have you guys noticed that most of Kaye’s grievances against “the government” are really grievances against the Republican Party and/or private industry?
Okay, what has happened to all the funds put into the SS fund by the largest population of citizens ? years ago? If the money had not been tampered with by the government, the money would be there for those retiring now, and the money would be there for those paying in now to draw when they reach retirement age.
If only the government had taken Kaye’s advice and used payroll taxes to purchase magic beans…
There is talk again of “raising” the retirement age to around 70 or 75. Can’t you just visualize elderly people putting in eight or more hours a day working at hard labor ? when it’s a real effort for most to just get up out of bed without falling?
Hey, it’s Grover Norquist’s wet dream, not mine! Talk to him!
You should see what is really behind raising the retirement age: most will be retired until the second coming in cemeteries ? by the age of 75.
The Second Coming’s gonna happen when I’m 75? Sweet! Now I can fuck around for the next fifty years and repent at the last minute! Thanks, Kaye!
I will have to give President Bush credit for trying to get the bulk of Social Security funds out of the hands of the government, and letting people invest a portion of the money in private investment accounts. But as long as the government can get their “greedy” hands on the money to use wherever ? you are not going to get your hands on the money.
Yes, you’d be better off giving all your retirement money to those cherubic investors on Wall Street.
You might as well be pitching the SS money into a lake of fire or flushing it down the commode ? for all the good it’s going to do all of you hard-working men and women.
Let’s face it… we (all) are actually slaves for the government ? who squander away our money on programs and foreign countries, which in turn, does very little to benefit most of us over the long-haul.
You mean like the war in Iraq?
And that’s just my opinion!
I know. And it frightens me.
Telling me that I’m a slave isn’t the best way to loosen me up, Kaye. Could you buy me a beer next time?
Noo, she moons loosen up! Can’t yoo understoond Oonglish?
Just a point about Natural Bridge in Virginia. Having gone to school a few miles away at Washington & Lee, I had the ability to visit Natural Bridge and pay the $5 or so dollars to get into see what really is an amazing piece of nature. What I didn’t expect was that Randall Terry and the creation Krewe seemed to have poisoned those who ran the bridge, because during a rather tacky and involved laser light show I learned that natural bridge was created by god, as were dinosaurs, meerkats and Deputy Dog.
I’m flabbergasted. How in the world can someone begin an essay ranting about boiling their own free god-given milk and then segue that into a rant about privatizing social security? I suspect you’re right about the huffing.
I have a few thoughts to add:
So, after long intense studies they claimed the milk had to be pasturized to purify the milk
And as every right thinking christian knows, the germ theroy of disease is just another anti-creationism plot by those heathen darwinist liberals.
The only reason bootlegging is illegal: because the government doesn’t get their fair share in taxes when liquor is bottled in Mason jars and sold to secretive customers.
Again, as every god-fearing southerner knows, regulating alcohol distillation is just another plot by those latte drinking northern liberals, and has nothing to do with the risks involved in drinking ‘shine made by amatuers back up in the holler, and those darn liberals just buy more lattes with the taxes anyway.
You might as well be pitching the SS money into a lake of fire or flushing it down the commode…
…after all, it worked on those korans.
And thankfully, god also created rubber cement. Unfortunately, he also created the dumbasses who write while huffing.
God’s an asshole that way.
That whole “lockbox” thing isn’t looking so much like a punchline anymore, is it, darlin’.
It’s like buyer’s remorse, only without the self-awareness that comes with sentience. Baffling, really.
Ms. Grogan opines:
“Don’t believe it when you hear the government ranting about how raising the minimum wages to a respectable amount would cripple the economy. It’s you they want walking around on crutches ? instead, so they can control your lives to the point of no return.”
So Ms. Grogan is a Progressive who recognizes the need to raise the minimum wage?
I have been educated by this column you have thoughtfully linked to Sadly, No! I had no idea that Williamsburg was one of the seven natural wonders. I didn’t realize until now that it costs nothing to keep the buildings in repair or to costume people and get them to demonstrate crafts all day.
From her site:
Kaye has many published poems . . .
Think about that, but not unless you have your sponsor’s number handy.
Sorry. Haven’t found any poetry.
a Kaye Grogan photo
profile
The American Way
Who could forget the sight of Ole Glory being flown but stubbornly resisting the removal of his snags and begging to know “Vhy do yew hate da snags?”
Have you guys noticed that most of Kaye’s grievances against “the government” are really grievances against the Republican Party and/or private industry?/i>
I know, right? What the hell?
And hasn’t she gotten the memo? Republicans are supposed to be IN FAVOR of government interference in our lives now.
I’m surprised none of you picked up on this:
“God gave us seven natural wonders in the world to enjoy for free.”
The “Seven Wonders of the World” were all man-made, and six of them no longer exist.
Damn government, making natural attractions like Colonial Williamsburg and Disneyland cost money to attend!
“But don’t worry, I am sure since air is free ? that will be next.”
how could you miss the spaceballs joke. are you slipping?
Perri-Air?
Why is that woman wearing the upholstery off a pimp’s couch? And happened to her ‘hair’?
She used to be Huggy Bear’s social worker.
next question.
I’m surprised none of you picked up on this:
“God gave us seven natural wonders in the world to enjoy for free.”
The “Seven Wonders of the World” were all man-made, and six of them no longer exist.
Posted by: art at June 3, 2005 04:17 AM
Sorry, art. This is one thing Kate actually got right. You’re thinking of the Seven Wonders of the Ancient World, as listed by Herdotus. There are also the Seven Wonders of the Natural World and several lists of the Wonders of the Modern World. Guess what–the Natural Bridge in Virginia isn’t on the list.
OT: Wow, I knew there were other “D. Sidhe”s hanging around, but I’ve never actually run into one. Unless of course, this is just one of the voices in my head, demanding that its own opinion be heard.
That’d be a helluva disclaimer: “My opinions may not even be my own, and I may post later with others that aren’t mine either.”
From one D. Sidhe to another, howdy. 🙂
There are also the Seven Wonders of the Natural World
As listed by one website. Doesn’t really compete with Herodotus, does it, now? Kaye Grogan might qualify as a Wonder of the Natural World, given that she manages to write without possessing any cognitive ability.
Williamsburg is PRIVATELY owned and run. According to their website “The Colonial Williamsburg Foundation is a private, not-for-profit educational institution that receives no regular state or federal funding.”
Looking at her photographer profile (link posted above) she’s not a bad photographer, very cliched, but not bad. I can see a future for her in the second-rate greeting card business.
“grabbed my balls and permanently lodged them in my frontal lobe”
That may be the best thing I’ve ever read in my life.
A question: If it wasn’t for government interference, would the moonshiners give their product away for free? I think you would still have to pay for it.
Holy shit, there are 2 D. Sidhe’s? That’s even worse than the Great Ted Fiasco of 2004.
Just wait until she finds out about the debt slavery caused by the “bankruptcy reform” bill. I’m sure she’ll still find a way to blame it on the liberal government greedheads and not on the Republican party who shovelled the bill through on behalf of their friends in the credity industry. How, she will do that, I don’t know, but hey, she managed to figure that pasteurizing milk is a government plot to poison you. Keep the tin foil girdle on, sweetie!
I’m convinced that Kaye is really just an elaborate practical joke. I mean who is this stupid and yet still able to write (in the loosest sense of being able to put words down in something that vaguely resembles English)?
Williamsburg isn’t even public you stupid cow! It’s run by the Williamsburg Foundation, endowed by…wait for it…JD Rockefeller. And do we now live in a centrally planned economy where the government sets milk prices? And where in God’s name is she paying $5 for a gallon of milk. I live in the third largest urban area in the country and we pay less than $3. STUPID STUPID STUPID!!!!!
As Johnny might have said… “I did not know that!”
This says a lot when God created cows for us to have milk free.
’cause, y’know, cows are public property, just like trees!
Damn that Louis Pasteur! Hey Kaye, instead of wallowing in D.C. bullshit yards, go out to the country and drink some “raw milk”. Then go to the nearsest Wal-Mart for a 12 pack of unflushable TP. But I warn you, since there’re no instructions on the package, you’ll need one of your conservative buddies to give you a hand(or a couple of fingers), so I guess you’ll find out who your friends really are.
P.S. Do us a favor, don’t waste your hard(ly) earned money or time cooking pork or chicken, either.
Brad: You are right. This is certainly the best Kaye Grogan column ever. I imagine she got really high on OC’s with Rush Limbaugh and just published a transcript of their conversations.
Two points: 1.) Kaye is free to own her own cow, milk it herself, boil it, and drink it all for free.
2.) I don’t like paying for gas. Especially since God “killed” the dinosaurs off … so that we could have gas – for free. Therefore, I blame Dennis Kucinich.
Wah! This is the very essence of wingnuttery! Each bizarre, rapid-fire claim gives you a Socratic lecture in the totality of human knowledge!
So Grogan can write something about God giving us cows for free, and you have to begin like, ‘Well, Sadly, No — cows require pastureland, among other things, and land hasn’t been free since… Hm. Barring European colonialism and its land charters, the Medieval custom was to allow for communal rights for the purpose of…’
And then after spinning through a dozen other gyres, you’re thinking, ‘But the Aurochs, the wild ancestor of domestic cattle, was a huge and aggressive beast, and quite dangerous — an animlal to hunt, not to use for milk! When were cattle domesticated? The Aurochs survived in the wild until the 1600s in Eastern Europe, but there’s evidence for domestication of cattle beginning in about…’
And then you’re like, ‘Ok, Pasteurization. Microbes were discovered when? Was it Leeuwenhoek with his “animalcules,” discovered via early microscope experiments?’
Oh, Kay! You’re o-kay with us!
“The only reason bootlegging is illegal: because the government doesn’t get their fair share in taxes when liquor is bottled in Mason jars and sold to secretive customers.”
That, and the fair chance of going blind from drinking untested batches of pure grain alchohol. But then nothing good ever came from government regulation. Let’s go ahead and remove the ingredients from food labels, stop sterilizing drinking water, work our children to death in factories, return to using leaded fuel, discriminate based on race and creed, dump raw sewage into our estuaries, subjugate our women, and close all public institutions.
Sounds like f’ing Paradise, doesn’t it?
I want my free cow!!!!
HE: this is Kucinich’s fault? Damn, will no one ever stop that madman’s nefarious schemes!!! 8-).
Oops, meant his “nefarious” “schemes”
“If only the government had taken Kaye’s advice and used payroll taxes to purchase magic beans…”
I thought she tried to sell them her coin collection?
Kaye just hates paying for anything, so she just shoplifts everything. She’s been drinking to much moonshine.
“The only reason bootlegging is illegal: because the government doesn’t get their fair share in taxes when liquor is bottled in Mason jars and sold to secretive customers.”
That, and the fair chance of going blind from drinking untested batches of pure grain alchohol.
That might explain her fashion sense.
Sweet Lordy-Gordy, the Groganater really managed to outdo herself. I sincerely hope this is some kind of elaborate put-on.
I visited Kay’s photo site once. Her “Little Charmer” looks like she has spent too long at The Overlook hotel. I suspect the 4 hours before that photo was taken were spent listening to Kaye recite her collected works.
A little methanol, a little lead from the soldier used to fix the radiator(I mean, still), and you’ve a Kay Grogan cocktail!
That might explain her fashion sense.
Hey, it was so nice in the ’70s, Kaye thought she’d get comfortable and stay awhile….
What can I add? The Colonial Billsburg thing being private… I used to live there, and damn sure it’s true. As for “the rest” well, Kaye, I can only, add, “let’s” do “beers” together babe!
stop sterilizing drinking water
Water is treated, but I’m pretty sure that none of the treatment is anything that could be called `sterilizing.’
There are also the Seven Wonders of the Natural World
If Naomi Watts’s nipples aren’t included on the list, it’s rubbish.
T-Shirt Design Concept:
Kaye’s “Tigers”
(picture of Kaye with tiger stripe blouse and white tigers in the background)
Kaye Grogan Fan Club
Wingnut, VA
White Print on Black Sweatshop Free T-shirt.
$15
I would do it myself but I’m competing with The Dude for the title of “Laziest, Worldwide”. And besides, Kaye could get pissed. I do not want that woman after me.
###
What in the?
Inspired by a few martinis, I see.
vazcui erdfcv http://tyghbnrvke.com/
This is pretty phucking kewl, actually. I have been very worried about Bruce Tinsley, I don’t think his current spouse is a soul-mate, and it’s telling in his increasingly futile bouts with the bottle.
Kaye Grogan is Mallard Fillmore in print. There is a purity there. We must have the Grogan/Tinsley Child, even if we have to use a surrogate mother.
Bruce Tinsley is still the best:
http://www.geocities.com/marion_delgado/mallard.jpg
But Kaye Grogan has greatness in her. I just want it to be Bruce Tinsley’s greatness in her.
{on edit:} That was a bad image, the original is here:
http://seattlepi.nwsource.com/fun/mallard.asp?date=20081026
Marion Delgado regrets the error.