Memorial Day always makes me feel patriotic, as Americans everywhere honor the brave men and women who have sacrificed their lives defending our freedoms, including my all-time favorite freedom: the freedom of speech.

The beauty of free speech is that everyone has it, whether they deserve it or not. Indeed, the best thing about America is that you can get up on a podium and say whatever retarded thing you want and not get jailed for it. See Exhibit A:

Above: Senator Man-on-Dog Sex.

While many Americans take this for granted, we should remember that even free countries like Canada have foolishly passed “hate speech laws” to curb racist, sexist and homophobic rhetoric.

We (well OK, I) here at Sadly, No! think this is a travesty- if we outlawed hate speech, what would we have to make fun of? And do we really want to live in a world without Pastor Swank?

There’s an old saying that goes: “I don’t agree with what you say, but I defend to the death your right to say it.”

This is a pretty good rule to live by, but I have my own variation of it: “I think you’re a moron, but I defend to the death your right to be an asshole so I can have a laugh at your expense.”

For in America, there are two ways we deal with someone who spouts hateful rhetoric:

1.) Call ’em a fucktard (my preferred method)
2.) Elect ’em Senator (Mississippi’s preferred method)

With that in mind, here are some examples of uniquely American free speech, courtesy of Alan Keyes’ Renew America. Let’s start with our old friend Justin Darr:

A few years back, I was watching my son play little league baseball. This is not the little league you and I might remember where a few of the older kids would pitch to you with the coach standing behind them, but our new liberalized “T-Ball” little league where the kids get to stand up at the plate and cut away at a stationary ball ad infinitum until they hit it and get to run to base. On this day the unthinkable happened. A boy hit the ball, and a player actually caught it, turned and made a strong throw to first base, and to all the parents’ shock and joy, the first baseman caught the ball long before the batter reached the bag. Now, back in the days when conservative Neanderthals ruled the Earth, this would have been called an “out.” But not so today in America’s “enlightened” youth athletic programs. No, this was called a “nothing.” The boy was returned to the plate so he could have another chance to bat and achieve the “proper” outcome of him getting to run the bases like everyone else. It is not like they keep score or anything, so who cares?

Well, I played Little League in the late ’80s/early ’90s (which was the apex of political correctness), and we kept score in every single game.

This means either:

a.) Justin’s making shit up (very likely- remember his story about hippie friends who made him eat hemp ice cream?).

-OR-

b.) Justin’s son plays in the Junior Special Olympics League (again, a distinct possibility).

Now, let’s go visit Doug Hagin, who says the best way to defend freedom is by giving the government a pass when it tortures people:

So obviously, this has been a bad time for public relations for the Bush administration and for the military. Of course, most of the bad press has been based on false retracted news stories, the testimony of terrorists, overreaction from left-wing groups that always enjoy bashing America, and the rantings of North Korean Communists.

I had no idea that Andrew Sullivan was an America-bashing lefitst (or a North Korea Communist, for that matter), but I guess you learn something new every day.

Overall, the various charges leveled at American forces have fallen well short of believability. The facts are very clear. The examples of abuse, atrocities, and torture which have been given as proof of how evil America is have fallen far, far short of doing anything of the sort. The behavior of our troops, and the treatment of prisoners we hold, is not anywhere near justifying the criticisms cast upon them.

The real problem here is the extreme double standard these groups and the mainstream American media use to judge America’s military. There is no doubt American troops ought to be held to a higher standard of conduct than terrorists are. That is not the issue though. America is consistently held to an impossible standard rather than a higher standard.

So not killing the people we detain is an impossible standard.

America’s armed forces are doing battle with evil people who think nothing of attacking and killing innocent people. These are people who do not honor the Geneva Convention or any sort of civilized code of conduct. Yet, our military is supposed to deal with them and stay within a strict observation of the Geneva Convention.

Since we’re supposed to be better than the terrorists, I think this goes without saying.

Thus, where the various critics of America turn a blind eye to terrorists beheading civilians, or bombing innocent civilians, they scream “atrocities” when our troops use some tough interrogation techniques on the terrorists we capture.

These miscreants compare the torture Saddam used on Iraqis with our troops taking humiliating photos of prisoners.

OK, that’s all I can stomach from Mr. Hagin today (plus, I’d rather not focus on the worst elements of the military on Memorial Day), so let’s move on to “this husband and wife team” of Peter and Helen Evans, who think parents should neglect their children in order to stop them from becoming criminals:

In our last article entitled “Why Can’t We Reform our Criminals,” we talked about the upsurge of recidivism since the therapeutic mentality took over the task of transitioning criminals back into society. According to this group, it’s parents who didn’t attend every single soccer game, parents who didn’t tolerate their children’s individuality and let them be themselves, or in other words: parents who didn’t grant the kids’ every wish who are to blame.

So if you attend your kids’ soccer games and discourage them from being conformist drones, you’re spoiling them rotten, and they’ll be in jail before they’re nine years old.

And finally, what report on crappy free speech would be complete without Kaye Grogan?

Yes, I know that Senator John McCain is a Republican, and he helped to formulate the so-called neutral ground pact with the Democrats, but I see John McCain as a middle-of-the-road Democrat, who seizes every opportunity to get into the limelight posing as a Republican.

And there’s no better way to seize the limelight than by forging neutral ground pacts.

Remember red states refuse to elect Democrats, so what other alternative is there, but to be an undercover Democrat stealing the Republicans’ thunder?

Hey Vespa, isn’t Ken “James Dobson is the Anti-Christ” Salazar a Democrat? And didn’t he get elected in a “red state?” Do I have to spell out “S-a-d-l-y, N-o” for you, Kaye?

Wait a minute! …did I say stealing the Republicans’ thunder? What thunder?

I was wondering that myself. Maybe you’ve been huffing too much of this again:

The definition of a filibuster: prolonged speaking which obstructs progress in a legislative assembly. Going one step further: the definition of obstructionist: be in the way of, block, prevent or hinder.

The definition of “illiterate”: “Unable to read and write; having little or no formal education; marked by inferiority to an expected standard of familiarity with language and literature; violating prescribed standards of speech or writing.”

Before anyone dares to “uncork” the champagne bottles claiming victory ? you are going to have to face your constituents. In other words, you’ve got a lot of explaining to do. I am positive if the roles were reversed, and the Democrats held the majority in all three branches of government, Mount Rushmore would dissolve before they would have caved-in to Republicans with the same sugar-coated deal.

OK, there’s nothing I can say to make that any funnier, so I’ma call it quits for today. Have a good Memorial Day!