Swank-Tacular
I promise I’ll stop writing about Pastor Swank soon, but he’s already written SEVEN columns today, and they’re all really funny.
Column #1– “PEACE MUSLIMS MUST SLAY MAD MUSLIMS: IRAQ”:
Those in New Iraq who are peace-loving Iraqis must slay the Muslim killers international.
It’s kinda strange to ask peace-lovers to go on a killing spree, don’t you think?
What has postponed that mode has been the need to train Iraqi soldiers in defending their own liberties come upon.
Having the Iraqis come on their liberties is probably not the most effective way to fight a war.
Up until now, it was the US-led Coalition that had to weigh in on the Muslim zealots intent on slaughtering both non-Muslims and Muslims in the name of Allah. After all, according to zealot Muslims, Muslims who stand in the way must be laid low while zealots kill off the infidel non-Muslims.
But watch out for the zealot infidel non-Muslim killers global! They’re the worst of all!
Column #2– “HOW CAN CLINTON PRAISE SEX THIS-R-THAT?”:
The former US President who will long be known for his lust unbridled now gives praise to a nation that has cut through its HIV surge.
May I sincerely ask why the globe needs feedback on this sex matter from one of the most immoral leaders the planet has ever had to stomach?
And even though Clinton was the most immoral leader ever, the world still liked him better than Bush. Funy how that works.
Who would know, considering the complicated psyche dealt with? On the other hand, it’s not so complicated when considering that the Clinton psyche is triggered by libido maximum.
Therefore, I had to wince when reading today about former US president William Clinton giving applause to India’s curb on HIV / AIDs increase.
Because we all know how often AIDS is spread through oral sex!
Column #3– “BUSH IS RIGHT RE STEM CELL”:
US President George W. Bush is absolutely on target regarding stem cell research. Further, he’s totally consistent in his ethic and logic – no destruction of human life.
Indeed:
We are all embryos. It’s just that those of us who are debating the topic have a few more years on us than the human embryos in plastic dishes. But humans are we all. Embryos at one chronology or another we all are.
I’m gonna take it a step further- we’re all a bunch of sperm, wiggling and swimming through life hoping to do a democracy plant in a freedom egg. Or something like that.
Yet there are other ways to confront the illnesses without stem cell research as desired by the political liberals. And it is to those areas creative minds must set their intentions. Why does not the liberal press delve more deeply into the alternative routes?
Precisely. Has anyone considered the benefits of leaches lately?
Column #4– “WHY MORE U.S. $ TO PALESTINIAN AUTHORITY??”:
Let them have their peace meetings with one another to decide to delouse their bombs. That doesn’t add up to financial distress in need of healing. That can be accomplished without counting any US dollars wafted across the waters to benefit PA killers international.
No, I don’t know how to “delouse” a bomb either. Let’s just move on…
Column #5– “CHINESE PROSTITUTES FLOOD MALAYSIA. USA?”:
Lax immigration means anything goes. America has been dealt a lax immigration mode for too long a time. Therefore, we are reaping communicable diseases spread due to that mode. As for prostitution misuse of immigration laxity, time will tell.
I think he’s saying that you shouldn’t sleep with a prostitute after downing a bunch of laxatives. And as much as I hate to admit it, that’s some pretty good advice.
Column #6– “DEMS, BOLTON AND FILIBUSTER WAR IN THE SENATE”:
Well, as far as this one American citizen is concerned, the Republicans had better quit fooling around and put aside their fancy verbiage and their so-called conciliatory attitudes toward the Dems to get on with the major issues facing their body.
In other words, the Republicans should stop making deals with Democrats and start bathing and brushing their teeth. Once again, that’s not a bad idea- no one wants a smelly Senate.
And finally, Column #7– “FRIST TO DEMS: BEHAVE OR IT’S ‘NUCLEAR’!!”:
Now all America needs to be apprised of is that what Frist set forth is kept tidily in place.
That may be the most incomprehensible sentence Pastor Swank has ever written. And as his regular readers know, that’s saying a lot.
The slightest move to misuse the filibuster should yield a totally bonded Republican Senate majority against one of the worst “traditions” in Congress ? the filibuster. It’s a waste of time, money and energy. It’s an embarrassment in dialogue to the Senate.
There’s nothing like being lectured about “embarrassing dialogue” by the man who wrote this:
All this new protection for the murderer excellent. All this coverage given to the uncovering of one of the most demonic wretches breathing. Yes.Then there has to be something desperately wrong with this picture. And it’s not the one with a guy in his short. It’s the media making hay out the guy in his shorts.
And that’s all the Pastor Swank I can take for today. I’ll be back a little later to write about Matt Furey’s latest scam.
We are all embryos.
“embryos shall oversome”
and put aside their fancy verbiage
this from a man who couldn’t form a coherent thought because he uses words he clearly does not understand
” It’s the media making hay out the guy in his shorts.”
I give you exhibit (a)
I’m disappointed on the occasions when Pastor Swank doesn’t put the adjective after the noun (which seems to be a suspiciously French thing to do).
Yes, when Pastor Swank assembles a sentence coherent without grammar incomprehensible, a disappointment most grievous it truly is.
It’s like a fundamentalist James Joyce. And amazingly, he’s even more incomprehensible.
Delouse the bomb for the embryonic computer robot frankenstein sex god or the Islamic fanatic will spend the radio pizza me want ice cream WAAAAAH!!!
P.S. — now, according to Swank, we’re supposed to be FOR a civil war in Iraq?
The whole adjective-after the noun thing isn’t something you’d expect from a native English speaker. huh.
we’re supposed to be FOR a civil war in Iraq?
Yes- we need the peace-loving Iraqis to fight a war.
May I sincerely ask why the globe needs feedback on this sex matter from one of the most immoral leaders the planet has ever had to stomach?
Does that include Hitler, Stalin, Pol Pot, Attila the Hun, Torquemada, etc.?
Hmmmmmmmm . . . so the pastor believes that a blowjob from a chubby intern half your age is, at best, the moral equivalent of starving and murdering 50 million (estimated) of your own countrymen . . .
Yeah, I can see it.
Hmmmmmmmm . . . so the pastor believes that a blowjob from a chubby intern half your age is, at best, the moral equivalent of starving and murdering 50 million (estimated) of your own countrymen . . .
Spencer, think of it like this- we are all embryos in later stages of development. Going further, we are all sperm in later stages of development. Ergo, when Bill jizzed on Monica’s dress, he slaughtered BILLIONS of his fellow humans with one quick stroke (pun intended).
“Muslims who stand in the way must be laid low …” —
I’m not sure you can get laid low if you’re standing. Perhaps the good Pastor needs to check out the Kama Sutra.
Has anyone tried writing Swank poetry yet?
Doesn’t Pastor Swank sound like a low-rent Yoda?
But humans are we all
Maybe we’ve misjudged the good Reverend. Perhaps he’s a Jedi Knight in training. Ever think of that?
I promise I’ll stop writing about Pastor Swank soon
Why on earth would you do a thing like that?
Perhaps he’s a Jedi Knight in training. Ever think of that?
You’ve clearly not been paying attention 🙂
Grammar Police, Pastor! Step away from the keyboard and nobody gets hurt!
I swear the man sounds like a conversation between Joyce, Proust, and Yoda. After an all-night peyote/beer bong binge. Translated from the original arachaic Bantu by way of Kyrgyz.
Are there no proofreaders or editors at the good pastor’s organization?
It’s like the written version of nerve gas. No matter what you do, just looking at that shit will fuck your brain up.
Now pass that bong over.
You’re being too kind, Chris. Swank sounds like he’s taking dictation from all the voices in his head at the same time, instead of one-by-one.
Are we sure Pastor Swank really exists? Personally, I think he’s a Turing machine – one that’s on the fritz, of course.
Spencer, it “makes sense” when you realize that doing bad things in wartime is moral to Pastor Swank. It’s the sex-related stuff that’s immoral.
The Iraq civil war idea — it’s Swank’s way of saying that he wants the Iraqis to kill each other off.
Your assumptions are correct, given that often not my attention span was as previously.
Pastor Swank is one of those Christians who will just be so surprised when he arrives in that special circle of Hell dedicated to the angry bigots.
On last night’s “Drawn Together,” they were talking to God and he says “I love the gays! They are adorable! The way they call ‘gel’ ‘product!?’ Priceless!”
Clinton, the most immoral leader in history?
I bet Hitler, Caligula, and Stalin are breathing a sigh of relief. Clinton has surpassed them all! What about good ol’ Henry VIII? Is cheating on your wife now worse than creating an entirely new church mainly so you can divorce them?
I like it. Clinton: the new Nero. Diddling while Waco burned.
I would make a grammar comment, but a) it’s almost redundant, like shouting “VOLCANO!” on the island of Krakatoa, and b) I think the grammar part of my brain just went all ‘splody.
Oh, and on the extremely slim chance that I ever own an adult superstore, I will definately call it “Sex This-R-That”.
It’s like a fundamentalist James Joyce. And amazingly, he’s even more incomprehensible.
That’s the funniest thing I’ve heard all week.
Vivek: There is some real Swank original poetry at http://www.chalcedon.edu/articles/0304/030425-2swank.php
Sadly, not funny nor creative nor grammar poor has his poems.
Muslim killers international
By J. Grant Swank, Jr.
Yes,
it?s got to come to this.
And it appears to have come to this.
Those in New Iraq
who are peace-loving
Iraqis
must slay the Muslim
killers
international.
What has postponed that mode
has been the need to train Iraqi soldiers
in defending
their own liberties come
upon.
Up until now,
it was the US-led Coalition
that had to weigh in
on the Muslim zealots intent
on slaughtering both
non-Muslims
and
Muslims
in the name of Allah.
After all,
according to zealot Muslims,
Muslims who stand in the way must
be laid low
while zealots kill off the infidel
non-Muslims.
That’s very, very good Dark Backward. Pastor Swank’s work almost makes sense when you give it meter 😉
I know frothing breeds frothing, but spellchecking wouldn’t hurt.
Those in New Iraq who are peace-loving Iraqis must slay the Muslim killers international.
Anyone who reads that sentence and doesn’t immediate convert wholeheartedly to liberalism has the brains of a wombat.
immediate convert
Apparently, I have the brains of a sub-wombatic organism.
the Muslim killers international.
the motherf*ckers starting up franchises
That’s fantastic — it’s like Yoda channeling the spirit of a Dr. Bronner’s Peppermint Soap label. All-one-life-one-God-one-embryo-okay!
1. “Those in New Iraq who are peace-loving Iraqis must slay the Muslim killers international.”
Sorry, Falwell was there first. “Kill them all in the name of Christ!”
2. “May I sincerely ask why the globe needs feedback on this sex matter from one of the most immoral leaders the planet has ever had to stomach?”
Ok, who swallowed?
3. “Yet there are other ways to confront the illnesses without stem cell research as desired by the political liberals…Why does not the liberal press delve more deeply into the alternative routes?
Yes, we need to put government research dollars into voodoo and astrology.
4. “WHY MORE U.S. $ TO PALESTINIAN AUTHORITY??”
Um, because we give Israel about 50 times as much and they are “pimpin’ up” China’s military for them?
5. “CHINESE PROSTITUTES FLOOD MALAYSIA. USA?”
Girls, get your fingers out of the dikes before you flood the whole world.
6. “Well, as far as this one American citizen is concerned, the Republicans had better quit fooling around and put aside their fancy verbiage and their so-called conciliatory attitudes toward the Dems to get on with the major issues facing their body.”
This is the sentence you write asking Republicans to cut their fancy verbage?
7. “The slightest move to misuse the filibuster should yield a totally bonded Republican Senate majority against one of the worst “traditions” in Congress ? the filibuster.”
Better use Super Glue!
g: “Are there no proofreaders or editors at the good pastor’s organization?”
No. The good pastor used to have a fabulous organization, but then the proofreaders and editors began spreading terrible rumors about him because the devil was running amok. Evil was all around, and the proofreaders and editors kicked poor Pastor Swank out of his own organization. But it all turned out ok in the end, because they all died.
Sorry about the excessive spacing. At least the italics worked right.
The whole adjective-after the noun thing isn’t something you’d expect from a native English speaker
My own theory is that he speaks some archaic form of Frisian, or he has a circuit gone awry like the people who have a stroke.
What for us ‘normals’ is the clatter of a Roman chariot at full speed down cobblestones, for his is the sweet whispering of the muse per his relationship with “Son O’God” , a delicious melody in his inner ear.
MUSLIM SCUM
SPREAD THE WORD
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=jjFh4wR2QcM
http://www.apostatesofislam.com/media/stoning.htm
http://littlegreenfootballs.com/weblog/?entry=29201_Wafa_Sultan_on_Al_Jazeera&only
http://mosquewatch.blogspot.com/2008/04/die-non-muslim-scum.html
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=q-yJp4EcZJA