This Calls for a Field Trip
While I’m normally loathe to give creationists any money, I’ve decided to organize a field trip to visit the Creation Museum when it opens. Here’s why:
If dinosaurs could talk…
by Michael Matthews, Creation Museum scriptwriter
If only dinosaurs could speak.
Yes, if only- then they could cast off the chains of specio-centric oppression!
We all know how mammal-supremacist movies like Jurassic Park perpetuate the stereotype of dinosaurs as lumbering, unthinking monsters who spend their time attacking children and/or Jeff Goldblum. But did you know that the very name “dinosaur” is Ancient Greek for “terrible lizard?” No wonder dinosaurs feel they can’t get a fair shake in this day and age- we’ve been calling them “terrible” for years! Just because they have brains the size of walnuts doesn’t mean they don’t have feelings, you insensitive mammal assholes!
OK, sorry, I got carried away there. Let’s get back to Michael’s article:
Combining the “magic” of modern technology and the truth of God’s Word, AiG’s Creation Museum has discovered the secret to bringing dinosaurs “back to life.” A sauropod, a T. rex, a dinosaur raptor, a triceratops- these are just a few of the dinosaurs that you’ll meet in the completed museum.
Their “sworn testimony” will astound the world.
Looks like “somebody’s” been getting lessons in quotation mark “use” from Kaye “Grogan.”
The truth-telling begins in the lobby, where guests come face to face with a pair of young T. rex dinosaurs, living alongside Adam’s children.
Animated young T. rexes in the lobby: “Of course we lived at the same time as humans! God made dinosaurs on the same day as Adam. And later we drank from the same waters as Adam’s children.”
OK, this is why I have to go to the Creation Museum- they’re going to have talking dinosaurs that quote the Bible. It’s so surreal that it sounds like a scene from a Twin Peaks episode- you can just imagine Coop and the Log Lady grilling the dinosaurs for clues about Laura Palmer’s killer, only to be rebuffed with obscure Bible passages.
In the next room, guests will discover more truths. This time, they hear from a fossilized dinosaur raptor, still half-buried in a dig site.
Dinosaur raptor fossil in a dig site: “I lived about 4,500 years ago. How do I know? Well, fossils don’t come with birth certificates, but we can read an eyewitness account from someone who was there- the Creator Himself. In God’s Word, the History Book of the Universe, we read about a global Flood that buried all the living things on Earth.”
Does anybody remember dinosaurs ever appearing in the Bible? You’d think that a book filled with snakes, whales, lions and bears would have at least one mention of giant fucking lizards capable of swallowing entire villages.
In the next room, guests learn how the “facts” get distorted by museums and school textbooks.
And there’s no better way to challenge the scientific community’s accuracy than with English-speaking dinosaurs.
Next, the museum’s guests see how Adam named various animal kinds in such a short time.
Of all the kooky young-earth creationist claims, the idea that Adam personally named every animal on the Earth just might be the funniest.
My question is, what did Adam name the dinosaurs? I doubt he called them “Tyrannosaur” or “Triceratops,” unless God gave him foreknowledge of Ancient Greek.
Adam’s friends, from left to right: Horn-Face, Spikey Back, and Steve.
Most people think that T. rex has always been a meat eater. At the Creation Museum, guests will learn the truth about his original diet.
An adult T. rex let loose in Corruption Valley: “Look, don’t blame God for my ferocious appetite. God originally made us to eat plants (Gen. 1:30), but Adam’s sin brought a curse upon the whole world.”
Wait a minute. This makes no sense (or rather, it makes even less sense than usual).
Earlier, Michael told us about a T-Rex happily drinking water with Adam’s children. As all good Bible scholars know, Adam and Eve didn’t have their first children until after they ate the forbidden fruit and put a curse on the world. So how could Adam’s kids safely hang around a Tyrannosaur without getting eaten? Even using the Creation Museum’s own shitty logic, this doesn’t add up.
Christians need to be able to defend their faith in front of a doubting generation. The museum will show how, if you accept the Bible’s history, every “mystery” about the origin of the universe and the Earth- including dinosaurs- makes sense.
Yes, it all makes perfect sense- 6,500 years ago, an all-powerful entity named “God” created the world in six days, taking a rest on the seventh day (and please, don’t ask why an all-powerful entity would need a day off- it just happened, OK?). The world He created was a perfect utopia that was ruined when a talking snake convinced two people to eat a piece of fruit, and that’s how Tyrannosaurs became carnivorous.
Up yours, science!
Maybe I’ll open the Complete and Utter Bullshit Museum one day, where children are taught that giraffes are really kitty cats that swallowed magic beans. Oh, and babies are from cabbage patches (we’ll have animatronic babies who sing a song about their vegetable “roots!” get it? Roots?). And we’ll have a special room devoted to the theory that pants are a plot by the communists and light bulbs are actually sentient beings.
That would make just about as much sense.
I’ve learned all the words to “O Canada”, and am working on my accent. Soon I will walk among them, indistinguishable.
Canadians: We come not to strip you of your resources, nor to ask where your igloos are, but merely to avoid the sheer embarrassment of being associated with morons like this.
Thank you very much for remaining largely sane.
fossils don’t come with birth certificates
That has to be the worst attempt at humour/cleverness I’ve heard for a long time and I’ve been reading a lot of bullshit. I think he needs to be sentenced to death by lions just for that one.
I do think it’s funny how now, instead of acting like dinosaurs didn’t exist since they’re not in the Bible, they’re trying to play like, “Oh, they were here all along!”
Ok,now that I’m done laughing,I can go outside and scream,long and loud.
I hope this little venture closes from lack of interest.
Adam’s friends, from left to right: Horn-Face, Spikey Back, and Steve.
Is that the same Steve as Adam’s ex-boyfriend? Awkward…
Is that the same Steve as Adam’s ex-boyfriend? Awkward…
Hey, where do you think Neal Horsey got his ideas from?
The intelligent designer was eminently lazy.
He thought to himself, “hmmm, I need a predator for Central America.” Instead of creating a brand new creature from scratch, he just basically makes a medium size cat and gives him dark fur. “good enough” he says. Lazy.
God apparently really liked the hoof, because he gave them to a ton of totally unrelated animals. Hawaii? Too lazy to put any animals there. Had nothing to do with the fact that land animals can’t swim hundreds of miles.
Or did the Hawaiian animals get wiped out by the flood? Aha!
So then how do Christers explain how Noah returned all the animals to their proper homes after the flood waters receded. Did the platypus just dutifully waddle back to Australia? Did the African elephant just bid the Indian elephant adieu and go their separate ways? Polar Bears? Did Noah make sure not to mix up the thousands of species of snakes so as to put the correct ones in the right climates? Buffalo politely wandered across the Atlantic Ocean leaving not a bit of evidence behind them?
I for one am hoping this museum is never torn down. It will be a living monument to stupidity. I am sure moderate Christians hate this thing more than we do. What an utter embarrassment. Dinosaurs!?!
That was very “funny.” These “people” are “nuts.” “God” and the “Bible” are “bullshit.”
Maybe I’ll open the Complete and Utter Bullshit Museum one dayWhat — churches aren’t good enough for you?
Fun fact: after your field trip to the Creation Museum, you can head about 20 miles down the road along the Ohio River and visit the best named park in the world, Big Bone Lick State Park. Yes, it’s real, they have a website:
http://parks.ky.gov/stateparks/bb/
This park contains hundreds of bones from mastodons and other prehistoric mammals. The irony of its close proximity to the Creation Museum will no doubt be lost on the museum’s patrons, since they all think the mastodons died last Tuesday anyway.
I’m totally down for the trip. Can I bring the matches and gasoline?
Also, who knew Adam was so fluent in Latin!
“fossils don’t come with birth certificates”
And they didn’t have no passports, neither! Damn lizards invaded America without so much as a ‘how d’ye do’! I hates illegal immigrants the most when they’s huge and prehistoric!
the best named park in the world, Big Bone Lick State ParkNot sure if that beats or ties Wisconsin’s Bong State Recreation Area. I suppose it depends what you’re in the mood for.I know a woman who is bright, educated, well-read … but she’s a Krazy Kristian, so she’s convinced herself that science supports creationism (or ID or whatever they’re calling it these days). I just smile and nod politely when she recommends books about “fascinating new scientific evidence.”My point? Even she wouldn’t fall for this load of horseshit.A field trip sounds like fun, though. I call shotgun!
There’s a museum of “Patriotism”in Marietta,GA,could you swing by there and maybe suggest the two museum directors perhaps combine their efforts?It would be the insane melding of two overlapping ideologies the Zealous Zombie brigade would ADORE.
Slough: Actually, all the animals lived in the same place prior to the flood (I think). Afterwards, they apparently started travelling. I’d imagine the marsupials had a hell of a time reaching Australia, what with the oceans and all. And the panda bears presumably carried big bundles of bamboo on their backs, bacause that’s all they eat and it’s nowhere to be found outside of East Asia.
As for the dinosaurs? Presumably, they trekked across the land bridge, reaching the American land mass in time for the last Ice Age, where they were promptly hunted to extinction by the caveman that Creationists told us didn’t exist until it became useful for them to exist.
Ho. Ly. Shit.
Literally.
The bible does mention a giant creature called “behemoth.” A giant creature. One. I guess that’s good enough evidence for them.
“Dinosaur raptor fossil in a dig site: “I lived about 4,500 years ago. How do I know? Well, fossils don’t come with birth certificates, but we can read an eyewitness account from someone who was there- the Creator Himself. In God’s Word, the History Book of the Universe, we read about a global Flood that buried all the living things on Earth.””
What??! So the fact that God sent a Flood to bury all living things on Earth means that Dinosaurs existed then.
And I’m not convinced that these people should believe in “Ancient Greeks” either. But that might depend on how old they actually think the Earth is.
Adam’s sin changed the T. Rex from a cuddly plant eater to a ferocious meat eater…that is really really funny. I wonder what effect fellatio had on the rest of the pack.
I think in this case–in this case only–the wingnut quotation marks make sense, if you sit back and squint. He has to scare-quote “magic,” ’cause he doesn’t really mean MAGIC, which he knows is the Work Of Satan and leads to things like witchcraft, and Harry Potter-reading, and, um, other evils. Same with “back to life” (only GOD can pull off a resurrection, not an animatronics geek) and “sworn testimony” (I imagine the denizens of darkest Jesustan are uncomfortable with such potential blasphemy).
In fact, I think what appears to us and other English speakers as quotation-mark hyperilliteracy might be a wingnut self-preservation technique: it’s very, very easy to accidentally write something that is apostasy and/or anti-Party counterrevolutionary thought; but by sprinkling quotation marks throughout, you will be able to defend yourself (“I of course was not speaking of magic as Satan’s minions practice, but only as a clumsy metaphor for, um, talking dinosaurs”) when you are called to the Party auto-da-fe.
A field trip is a great idea! I’ll pack sandwiches and Pastor Swank can bring his grandma’s cookies (and that weed he stole from the church) and Kaye Grogan can bring her poetry to read to us on the way… it’ll be great fun.
I have always wanted to know just how Noah fit the dinosaurs on his ark.
seattle slough: I always wondered what happened to all the fish during the flood. How did the salt-water fish survive when the saline ocean water got dilluted by all the rain? And how did the fresh water fish survive when the salty oceans flooded into their lakes and streams?
A field trip is a great idea! I’ll pack sandwiches and Pastor Swank can bring his grandma’s cookies (and that weed he stole from the church) and Kaye Grogan can bring her poetry to read to us on the way… it’ll be great fun.
Dude. Duuu-huuuu-huuuude. That is a fucking righteous idea. Let’s not forget to bring Debbie Daniel along too. It’ll be a modern version of the ELECTRIC KOOL-AID ACID TEST.
Shouldn’t the dinosaurs be able to sing? Just having them quote obscure, grossly misinterpreted Bible passages is lazy. Why not go full out with the bullshit, and have them wear little top hats and sing about how asking logical questions is wrong?
You know what I would like to see happen?
Picture this: Ken Ham names a man to play the part of Noah, and finds 7 other people to take part in a grand experiment. Build a new ark (to the exact specifications found in the bible — they do have a scale model at the museum). Then place animals on the ark — to the specifications found in the bible. Sarfati suggests there were 16,000 pairs of animals.
Then set the thing afloat on the Atlantic for one year, with no interaction or communication to the outside world.
My guess is that after that year is over, Ham would have 8 dead humans and 16,000 dead animals to clean up, if the ark didn’t sink to the bottom of the ocean first.
Wow, jeff-parado, I was going to post the exact same thing you wrote, almost to the word! But you forgot two important things: It has be constructed from the same materials an ark built in Noah’s time was built, and it has to be done by somebody with no experience building a ship, and only the most rudimentary knowledge of biology (if any).
Thanks, Bill S.
I have actually worked out a whole essay on how to do this, I mainly just hit the highlights in my last post. However, if you read the nonsense of Sarfati and Woodmorappe, they use a lot of “modern” technology in their view of the “primitive” ark. I would be willing to grant them some license in design and construction as long as they maintain the basic design, that most importantly being a single small window providing all the ventilation for the entire menagerie of 16,000+8 animals. I would insist on tar and untreated wood, along with pre-iron-age spikes though.
However, for the sake of our precious biosphere, I would not want them to include endangered species. I would insist on alternative species that are common enough as to not be called endangered, but have similar properties (bulk, dietary needs, environmental needs, etc.)
Furthermore, would it be too much to hope for if we could convince Ham to be the new Noah himself, along with Sarfati and the other blowhards at Answers In Genesis to play the roles of the sons and wives?
(As for their knowledge of biology — I think they have proven beyond any shadow of a doubt that they have no knowledge of biology whatsoever)
No actual mention of dinosaurs in the Bible, but it does mention dragons, giants, cockatrices, satyrs, a talking donkey, a talking snake (forgive my ignorance on this, but-do snakes even have vocal chords?) and unicorns. It even says that God has the strength of a unicorn. There’s no way I can argue with THAT.
What did the animals eat after the flood? Surely all the plants were destroyed by the flood.
And what do two lions live on when there are only two antelopes, and two wildebeest (who both have to survive) in all of Africa? What do two anteaters eat when there are only two ants? Two flies for two frogs? What did the (at least) 4600 pairs of unique mammals eat while on the Ark? To say nothing of the thousands and thousands of pairs of lizards (both great and small apparently), spiders, insects, and birds.
I am seriously starting to suspect that this whole Noah’s Ark thing is a bunch of nonsense.
In the next room, guests learn how the “facts” get distorted by museums and school textbooks.
GodDAMNit. All this time I’ve been foolishly slaving away trying to gather “evidence” to rebut incoherent arguments, and all I had to do was put the word “facts” in scare quotes. What a fool I’ve been! All the time I’ve wasted!
But I learn quickly! I’ve already improved on this technique – “Facts, shmacts!” Woohoo!
My guess is that after that year is over, Ham would have 8 dead humans and 16,000 dead animals to clean up, if the ark didn’t sink to the bottom of the ocean first.
Actually, I think you’d have some very full live animals and a helluva lot of bones. Assuming there’s some freshwater somewhere on the Love Ark.
Anyway, in my museum, which will be called the “Menckeneum”, I’ll have an animatronic fundie greet the kids at the door. “Hi, I’m Rusty! I believe that my imaginary friend runs my life from the sky!”
My mother told me never to talk to strange dinosaurs. To this day when I see a dinosaur coming I walk the other way.
*rolls eyes*
England welcomes intelligent Americans.
You know why there are no dinosaurs now? The Jews killed them, that’s why.
And what do two lions live on when there are only two antelopes, and two wildebeest (who both have to survive) in all of Africa? What do two anteaters eat when there are only two ants? Two flies for two frogs? What did the (at least) 4600 pairs of unique mammals eat while on the Ark? To say nothing of the thousands and thousands of pairs of lizards (both great and small apparently), spiders, insects, and birds.
I recall reading on some creationist website that God put all the bigass predators into some sort of wacky suspended animation during the trip so as to prevent them from eating their shipmates. Of course, if you’re going to say “god made it happen by magic” when the plausibility of your mythology is questioned, I kinda have to wonder why you’re bothering to try to muster a patina of scientific plausibility in the first place.
The ark was 225 feet long, 45 feet high, and 75 feet wide. Noah didn’t need to bring full-grown dinosaurs on the ark, he only needed to bring babies. He didn’t need to bring every SPECIES, only every KIND{like dog}.There is such thing as micro-evolution. Panda bears eat eucalyptus because they adapted to their environment.
Everyone need to understand that the Dinosaurs where here before man was created. We have to understand that the bible itself dont speak on these animals but we know they have had to exist due to the bones that are found. God created the earth in 7 days. Please remember a day for GOD is a thousand years for us. Understanding that we know that the world must have been created in 7 thousand years. I do believe they were created then for GODS purpose. Not everything man is going to know, so peoiple need to have faith. For example would parents tell there child the specifics on the night he or she was concieved. How the father would insert his penis into his mother…… i dont think so, it is not for the child to klnow all that info. same here the dinosaurs were here god knows why, end of story
thank u all and i hope this clears it up
Try calling the Cretin Palace itself. Earlier today, I had an enlightening chat with a woman who works there. She really believes this stuff and thinks the rapture is coming in a few months. When I asked her about those perky distant star systems who’s light takes a million years to get here to us on earth, she said that all objects outside our solar system were an illusion created by god as a finishing touch to creation. Alrighttttyy then. A bit Truman Show, but not as acid inspired as bible quoting dinosaurs. My month long success at quitting smoking is about to end. I am going to buy cigarrettes immediately. It’s just too much. I’ve been thinking about going back to Australia for a while and this whole thing helped me finalize my decision. So long America – thanks for the laughs and cash.
i need info about australian dinosaur raptor i cant find anything