All the News That’s Fit to Wank

I sent this article to my local papers, but for some reason they wouldn’t publish it. At any rate, I decided to share it with Sadly, No! readers:

Newsweek Retraction Sparks Riots in Cyberspace

Billions of Sperm Slain at Climax of On-Line Circle-Jerk; Witnesses Describe Chaos as “A Tornado of Moutain Dew Bottles and Cheetos Bags.”

CYBERSPACE, May 16- Newsweek’s retraction of a story about Qu’ran desecration by U.S. military interrogators at Guantanamo Bay sparked anti-media Internet riots on Monday night, as keyboards all over America were clogged with Doritos crumbs and semen deposits.


Above: Chaotic scenes from the aftermath of Monday’s Cyberspace Riots.

The trouble began on Monday afternoon, when Charles Johnson, a radical cleric known for issuing anti-MSM fataawa at his popular weblog Little Green Footballs, reported Newsweek’s retraction.

Over the next few hours, Johnson’s disciples began chanting “Newsweek Lied, People Died!” and vowed revenge on the mainstream media, whom they said had “blood on their hands.”

“They meant to incite hatred against the US,” thundered commenter Ferny, echoing the 101st Fighting Keyboarders’ widely-held belief that the mainstream press hates America, freedom, and puppies.

“For Newsweek as well as most of the MSM, the ‘real’ enemy is still the US Military. their (sic) thinking has never progressed beyond Vietnam. That is why they will believe anything that is negative about the military, no matter the source or the evidence,” said commenter Dr. Sannity.

Another commenter, Han_Solo, went even further, arguing that the government should prosecute the media for treason.

“The press is totally out of control. They will say anything regardless of who might get killed or hurt or the damage it does to the country, national security or foreign policy. SOMEONE needs to teach the US press that…. ‘YES’ freedom of speech is dear and important to us, but someone needs to teach the country what the meaning of the word ‘TREASON’ is, because they obviously don’t teach it in school anymore and especially not in journalism schools,” wrote _Solo.

Other posters gave the Blogosphere’s circle-jerk credit for Newsweek’s retraction.

“The fear of the blogosphere not letting up sure expedited this one,” wrote commenter Freaky Boy.

New York Times reporter Adam Nagourney agreed with Freaky Boy’s sentiments.

“My biggest fear as a reporter at the Times is that some loser living in his parents’ basement will call me a traitor,” said a frightened Ad Nags.

The rioting also took its toll on Little Green Footballers’ parents.

“Ever since the Newsweek story broke, Iron Fist has holed himself in our basement with twelve bags of Tostitos and five bottles of root beer,” said the mother of LGF regular Iron Fist. “He hasn’t bathed since Sunday and he refuses to change out of his LGF paraphernalia. The neighbors are starting to complain about the stench.”

“You should see all the Cheetos (Iron Fist) has wolfed down in the last five hours,” added Mr. Fist’s father. “The editors of Newsweek have processed orange cheese stains on their hands!”

Many liberal bloggers watched in horror as the riots spread all the way from LGF to Free Republic to the Belmont Club.

“The circle jerk is over, and Newsweek will eat the soggy biscuit,” wrote The Editors of the Poor Man weblog.

But Brad R., staff writer for the third-rate weblog Sadly, No!, said he found the hysteria of the 101st Fighting Keyboarders amusing.

“You gotta remember- these people would be standing outside movie theatres dressed like Jawas and Storm Troopers right now if they didn’t have the War on Terror,” R. said of the Keyboarders. “It’s just a shame that they can vote.”

Above: The 101st Fighting Keyboarders in more innocent times


Comments: 8


So the “Farce” is with us!

Hysterical Woman

Those can’t be real quotes. They’re too well written.


“Brad R. – The lone voice of reason in a turbulent Blogosphere…”


I could have sworn the Han_Solo one is real.

Oh, well. Sith happens…


Hmm. Looks more like a celebration of Warblogger Appreciation Month to me…

— Badtux the Snarky Penguin


jeu football reseau , jeu enfant 5 ans gratuit..


it is very good. I like.


LOL 1337 LOL


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