Helter Skelter, With Your Host, Marie Jon’
The coming Race War under an Obama presidency is scaring Our Lady of the Blessed Apostrophe, so much so that Marie Jon’ feels the need to regurgitate every wingnut smear against the man in a single column.
‘The specter of an Obama administration is foreboding,’ she begins, to which we can only add that its zombie will also prove to be foreshadow. After a few potshots at Fannie and Freddie, Bill Ayers and noted commie-capitalist George Soros, plus a lengthy cut-and-past job from some crank, Marie Jon’ really gets down to business — her condensed history of America:
The average age of the world’s greatest civilizations from the beginning of history has been about 200 years. During those 200 years, those nations always progressed through the following sequence:
1. From bondage to spiritual faith
2. From spiritual faith to great courage
3. From courage to liberty
4. From liberty to abundance
5. From abundance to complacency
6. From complacency to apathy
7. From apathy to dependence;*It has been suggested that this is where the USA currently finds itself
8. From dependence back into bondage
So much to work with here … and like the Chinese before us, our 200 years are almost up! In common with a syndicated horoscope, what’s great about this explanation of civilization is that you can assign whatever meaning you want to it. I’d like to think that for Marie Jon’, ‘bondage’ can only mean bondage to Britain. ‘Great courage’ is necessarily the Revolutionary War, with ‘liberty’ its fruit, while ‘abundance’ is obviously the 1950s. That means ‘complacency’ begins on Day Two of Woodstock at approximately 11:23am, with ‘apathy’ following hard in discos throughout the 1970s, back to a brief ‘abundance’ interlude sprinkled with a healthy pinch of ‘liberty’ and one giant scoop each of ‘great courage’ and ‘spiritual faith’ under Reagan, on into the ‘dependence’ era of today and soon to be overtaken by ‘bondage’ once again, under Barack Obama.
It makes sense to me, anyway. At some point, Marie Jon’ and I will have to address the problem of the ‘liberty’ period including the institutionalized enslavement, segregation and extermination of minorities, and somehow reconcile that with our claim that ‘bondage’ returns when one of said minorities is elected to our highest office … but really, that’s just a few tweaks and twiddles on the knobs of our Grand Unifying Socio-Economic Theory and shouldn’t be too difficult.
I for one am intensely forboded. It’s enough to bing my har.
My God! It’s full of GOO!
“For every complex problem, there is a solution that is simple, neat, and wrong.” — H. L. Mencken
Marie, sweet Marie . . . slowly back away from the computer before you hurt yourself.
Who ties her shoes for her? Does she live on a diet of oatmeal and pudding, or is she allowed some solid food as long as she’s being carefully supervised? Truly staggering, the depth and breadth of her awesome stupidity.
Also, since No. 7 is happening right now, that means we’ve already beaten the 200-year civilization limit and WE WIN!!!!1!
So stop trying to run up the greatness score on the other civilizations with Sarah Palin, Marie Jon’!
Sure, you laugh now, but some of us had to survive those times, man.
Marie Jon’ seems to have forgotten about the all-important stage 9: From Mussolini to the Politics of Meaning.
Some kind person should advise Marie Jon’ that Oswald Spengler — originator of this whole genre of rise-and-fall-of-civilisations literature — was noted for his collection of pornography.
After 200 years you can choose to play on, but no further score will be recorded and you can’t win by fulfilling any of the victory conditions.
Wait a minute — didn’t she lose the apostrophe? Now it’s back? Maybe it’s like a cold sore, just popping up from time to time.
Shorter Marie Jon: I’m sweating profusely, ummmm, because taking an axe to history is such hard work! What do you mean, “stench of ignorance and fear?”
She doesn’t mention the very recent “impactful”* era of unparalleled stupidity and incompetence. She’s made a striking contribution, too!
*word M’arie’ J’on’ would use
Marie Jon’ discovers Oswald Spengler and/or Arnold Toynbee.
No good can come of this.
I think Marie has discovered Pearl Buck, which is equally fail inducing.
The only reason I divided history into Gold, Silver and Iron ages is that I didn’t know about the trans-uranic elements.
I’d agree with all of that, if Marie Jon existed. That column is written by American Spectator interns. Come on. Stuff like ” …from apathy to dependence…” is right out of the intern seminar, probably directly form the Quinn Hillyer guest lecture writing guest op/ed pieces for Newhouse papers.
8. From dependence back into bondage
Mary Jon’s valid concerns underscore the vital importance of a properly used “safety word”.
I would think Marie would be happy about this state of affairs. If we are headed back into bondage, there is only one more step til spiritual faith, and isn’t that her whole raison d’etre?
I agree, I don’t think she’s real either. I think they just found that pic from a frame they bought at Wall-Mart. But I love that Che Obama graphic she has. Can I get that on a T-shirt? And check out Johnny D. Symon, wow.
I mean… come. on.
Marie Jon sure is religious looking….
The fact is that every civilisation goes through only four stages on its trajectory from genesis to oblivion. It is more than coincidence that these stages can be matched one-to-one with the stages of individuation in Jungian psychology, and the stages of the alchemical opus. They are:
(1) Friendly
(2) Maudlin
(3) Aggressive
(4) Comatose.
And here I thought that America went from barbarism right to decadence without the usual intervention of civilization in between.
I want my joke back.
Anchorage Daily News Endorses Obama!
http://mudflats.wordpress.com/2008/10/25/anchorage-daily-news-endorses-obama/
I agree, I don’t think she’s real either. I think they just found that pic from a frame they bought at Wall-Mart.
MJ”s just another a 500 lb cheeto eating Internet loon with a B carved backwards on one cheek and a self-inflicted black eye?
That “200 years, 8 steps” bit is (no surprise) a fairly common cut and paste in right-wing forwards. It’s usually attributed to “Alexander Tyler, a Scottish history professor at the University of Edinburgh” and prefaced with a suspiciously anachronistic and badly written introduction blaming the fall of democracies on welfare.
This thankgiving let us remember those faithless pilgrims, building a new land, clad only in their arseless leather chaps.
It’s in my brain now!
This would imply she’s attended to check on this and been disappointed. Fk that’s creepy.
Thank you Ms. J’o’n’. Now go stand with the other shrieking, gibbering idiots while we review your entry to the OMG THE END IS NIGH!! essay contest.
poop
From bondage to spiritual faith
Goodness knows, there have been times when I’ve seen God after a good pony-boying…
Off topic, but why would I start letting that bother me now,
Every. Fucking. Time.
Every fucking time a new whingenut screed hits the fax lines, and the tardosphere gets their knickers all knackered, it turns out that it’s not really what the Democrat is doing, but the Republican. Like, exactly. How do these conversations go?
“Hey Bob, we need to put out this week’s talking points. Got any ideas?”
“Well, what sort of criminal behavior have we been engaging in that somebody might actually notice soon?”
“Jeez, Bob, kinda tough to narrow that one down. How about all those illegal campaign donations? You know, over the limit, no names, all that sort of thing. I think some guy from Reuters was poking around that.”
“Great. Let’s put it out that Obama is totally funded by, um, I don’t know, terrorists? Yeah. Terrorists. Anyone can donate and nobody checks.”
“We’d better contribute a bunch of times with questionable names and put them in the fax.”
“And tighten up the McCain site.”
“Yup. That’ll work. Big help, Bob”
“No problem, Larry. Let’s do lunch on Wednesday.”
Gahhhhh!
where’s her fucking picture?
isn’t that the point of ANY Marie’ Jon’ pos’t?
it’s not that i need it. i wouldn’t even look at it, much.
It is my theory that civilizations typically progress through these stages:
=1. Early.
=2. Not as early
Of course, there have been many exceptions.
Needs more string theory.
This trajectory may also be observed Friday nights at the place my co-workers and I gather for beers.
I’m pretty sure than J’on’ D’ork’ means the whole sequence of US American civilization took place between 1979 and 2009. All that other stuff Before Reagan was sent by God to deliver us from Welfare is just not em-portent.
Marie Jon’s stages of civilization drivel has been circulating for about fifty or sixty years.
Why is there no ‘from demagoguery to bedwetting’ phase?
Marie Jon’:
Of course he isn’t – if he came out and apologized for the truths he wouldn’t be hiding them anymore. And why would he apologize for the truths themselves rather than for hiding the truths? Is Obama messing with our minds?
It’s all too weird. I’m going back to bed.
After looking over several conservative christian sites I have come up with this conclusion. christians hate and very, very scared of black people, especially if a black person is in charge.
It’s a good thing jesus was a blonde (or light brown) haired, blue-eyed god. After all, they wouldn’t hate him, would they?
That history is still being written, as we speak.
Goddammit, she makes a list of 8 elements of civilizations leading up to their collapse and she doesn’t include “moral decadence”? You’re a right-winger, for Christ’s sake, where the hell’s our “moral decadence”?
Doesn’t anybody have any respect for Caligula these days?
9. White people learn to sing and dance.
I know it’s old hat, but she really needs to explain what the deal is what that fucking apostrophe.
I think the election of Obama will be good for these people. I mean, they never were very comfortable being in charge; it’s pretty hard to argue about how oppressed you are when your oppressors don’t really have the power to oppress.
I am very interested to hear about Rome’s era of great spiritual faith.
Oh, and I have to agree with your stunning analysis: I’m sure nothing much happened between the Revolution and the 50’s, anyway.
I thought it was supposed to go:
1. Thesis
2. Antithesis
3. Synthesis
4. Parenthesis
5. Paralysis
rinse and repeat.
But perhaps that’s from finding too much entertainment in wackaloo conspiracy theories back in the misspent 70’s. Good times, good times.
BTW, Marie Jon’ makes an error. The correct list should read like this:
4. From liberty to abundance
5. From abundance, take Delancey Street to the I-65 exit
6. Take I-65 eight miles 8 miles to Exit 11a to Maple St. and Albion Circle
7. Turn right on Maple St.
8. From Maple to complacency
6. From complacency to apathy, etc.
I believe Jon’ confused “abundance” with “Albion,” which is a common mistake. Also, according to MapQuest, make sure to turn on Maple, not Albion, or you’ll wind up on moral decadence.
Oh, wait– there’s moral decadence. I knew it was around here somewhere.
Oops! The second step # 6 should of course read step # 9, unless you’re travelling faster than the speed of light, in which case the second step # 6 should actually read step # 1.
#
JF Sebastian said,
October 26, 2008 at 16:23
Oops! The second step # 6 should of course read step # 9, unless you’re travelling faster than the speed of light, in which case the second step # 6 should actually read step # 1.
I knew I shoulda bought one of them GPS thinghies.
What’s wrong with bondage? I usually have to pay for that sort of thing.
The “Stages of Civilization” meme resembles nothing so much as…
The Ten Stages of Human Drunkenness
1. Witty and Charming
2. Rich and Powerful
3. Benevolent
4. Clairvoyant
5. Fuck Dinner
6. Patriotic
7. Crank up the Enola Gay
8. Witty and Charming, Part II
9. Invisible
10. Bulletproof
(h/t, Dan Jenkins, Baja Oklahoma)
The problem is that the Romans’ decadent hot sweaty orgy phase happened at the same time they were kicking everyone’s ass and their holy Christian spiritual phase started not too long before the western empire collapsed. From a wingnut’s point of view, this kind of messes up the sequence, so they tend to shuffle the details around a bit.
Oh, this is an old, old, old line of thinking. It seems to have begun in the fourth or third century b.c. with Confucius, better known as Master Kong, when he argued (or rather declared seeing as you aren’t allowed to argue against Master Kong) that “the Mandate of Heaven is not Immutable,” meaning you can overthrow the ruler of All Under Heaven (Tien Shah) if said ruler is screwing up. How do you know the ruler is blowing it? Natural disasters and peasant rebellions. A mushrooming in the number and power of court eunuchs is also a reliable indicator. Building great walls could also be a preliminary sign. Later thinkers called this The Dynastic Cycle. It is hotly debated. Historians agree with each other about as often as Unseen University wizards. Or rather, Unseen University wizards agree with each other about as often as real life historians.
It seems to have begun in the fourth or third century b.c. with Confucius, better known as Master Kong…
Number One Super Guy.
Marie has crossed the line with that article and I no longer want to fuck her.
And yet I still fail to see anything wrong with this…
Revisionist Conservatorians have recently scientifically proven that all world civilizations go through the exact same stages, without variation. Mostly based on the predominant tool employed by said people.
1. Stone Age
2. String Age
3. Bronze Age
4. Iron Age
5. Papyrus Age
6. Cotton Age
7. What-were-we-thinking? Aluminum Age
8. Muslin Age
9. Muslim Age
10. Atomic Age
11. Polyester Age
12. Silicon Age
13. Silly-Putty Age
14. That Age Where Folk’s U’se Apostrophe’s All Wrong
15. Collapse
Frack, I forgot 14a. Cheetohnacht!
Has Cheetonacht happened yet? The Buckley departure from NR seems to have triggered something very like it.
The entire serious of “from bondage…into bondage” is a from quotation with dubious origins. Most likely, it was just some made up shit.
Please see:
http://www.lorencollins.net/tytler.html
Here’s one more:
http://www.snopes.com/politics/quotes/tyler.asp
This is the dawning of the Age of Aquarius, the age of Aquarius… OF AQUARIUS!
Woo, she’s just as much of a hotshot with history as she is with politics … the poor dear.
Choices like: not taping some of Palin’s primo fuckups live, & then having to buy them on a “2008 Palin Blooperz” DVD later … or just sneaking a boring old protest-sign into the RNC, instead of a big fat bag filled with stinkbombs … or not investing in a firm that manufactures heavy-duty dental compounds back when you read about that whole teeth-gnashing thing.
I know it’s wrong, but “Marie Jon'” and “bondage” still makes me spot my underpants.
Bondage? I’ll bet her safe word is “Biden”.
This is one of the best finds I have ever seen on your site. It has it all- in one easily digestible dose.
I have a suggestion for McCain and Palin- drop all of your campaign advertising and just print ten billion or so copies of this article, and airdrop them from A-4’s all over America. How could anyone vote for that evil Obama after reading this brilliant distillation of Republican thinking circa 2008!
I think this sewuence could be applied to the eight yesrs of the Bush administration.
Some kind person should advise Marie Jon’ that Oswald Spengler — originator of this whole genre of rise-and-fall-of-civilisations literature — was noted for his collection of pornography.
He clearly lived in an era of liberty and abundance. Thank god we’ve moved beyond those now.
I am very interested to hear about Rome’s era of great spiritual faith.
Actually, Augustus Caesar was a strict promoter of religious piety and traditional family values. This was during what Snorghagen’s calling “the decadent hot sweaty orgies phase.” He’s right, of course. Augie was basically a reactionary social conservative in a libertine society. In practice, this meant that for a time everyone had to pretend to be pure, or they were at risk of social and political ostracism.
Top-down moralism: A very useful tool for blackmail by the ruling junta, not too useful for actually engendering a just and moral society.
And yep, just as the Romans got all genuinely Christian and pious and such, they got wiped out by decadent, hot, sweaty, barbarians.
Haha, laughing at Orange Tom’s post. I bet her safe word is “Biden”
The enumerated points appeared on the opinion page of today’s Bozeman Daily Chronicle…verbatim. The wingnut writer, however, cited this as the work of some long dead philosopher (I can’t load the stupid web page. Friggin’ third rate newspaper). I don’t know what this portends, but it looks as if the wingnuts have charted out their new idealogy. Democracy can’t Work!
Hmmm…
http://www.lorencollins.net/tytler.html