Leave it to Alan Keyes
Remember a coupla days ago when I asked you guys to analyze a ludicrous creationist cartoon that blamed teaching evolution for homosexuality, inflation and hard rock music?
Not to be outdone, Alan Keyes (who is now completely bald and looks like a disciple of the Maharishi) has decided that abortion and gay marriage are all the fault of… legalized contraception!
Above: Alan “The Swami” Keyes.
In an interview that was broadcast April 26 on the Global Catholic Network (EWTN), Alan Keyes said that abortion and same-sex marriage are natural extensions of society’s widespread acceptance of contraception.
Yeah, birth control sounds innocent, but studies have shown that women are five times more likely to sodomize their fetus when they’re on the pill.
By divorcing marital relations from the possibility of having children, Keyes said, society has spawned an ethic that not only sanctions abortion (because producing children is deemed undesirable and irrelevant to sexual relations), but supports same-sex marriage–which centers in sexual activity without the possibility of procreation.
So by Alan’s standards, people should not have sex unless they’re trying to conceive. And according to his Townhall biography, Alan has three kids, which means he’s only had sex three times.
Explains quite a bit, doesn’t it?
The more that sexual activity has become deliberately separated from procreation, Keyes observed, “Homosexuals will step forward and say, ‘Well, if marriage is just about pleasure and personal fulfillment and the relationship of the persons involved, we can do that.'”
Same premise, same logic.
Y’hear that, guys? Every time you have sex with your wife while she’s on the pill, you’re committing vaginal sodomy!!
Keyes noted that the real cause of such absurdity is that God’s plan for marriage–which, according to scripture, centers in procreation–has been too-often removed from the sexual relationship.
Take the divine purpose from the relationship, he said, and you end up with a rationale that favors same-sex marriage:
“Once we start to turn our backs on the real meaning of sexual relations, we gut the real meaning of marriage. As a result, the institution is destroyed in its very concept, because we have turned our back on God’s plan.”
Yeah, real Christians should completely repress their sexual desire, only have sex with their spouses three times, and be persistently frustrated and/or insane. Oh, and they should end up looking like this:
Keyes noted that it is the possibility of “that third being, the child, that represents the authority and will of God for the relationship.”
So couples who are unable to conceive children don’t have God’s blessing in their lives and should probably book their train tickets to Hell right now.
Y’know, as crazy as John Bolton is, I don’t think he’ll ever top Alan Keyes as “the wingnuttiest U.N. ambassador of all-time.”
The more that sexual activity has become deliberately separated from procreationYou’d better not fuck your wife after menopause, either. That’s vaginal sodomy too.
To be fair to Alan, it’s possible his wife didn’t conceive every time they had sex. So it’s entirely possible he’s done the deed as often as a dozen times!
To be more than fair to Alan, the Wingnut argument regarding the infertile and post-menopausal married is that as long as they are not using contraceptives, they are giving God a chance to allow them a child. Which seems stupid on several levels, not the least of which is that if a god can get a post-menopausal lifetime-barren woman with a husband who is paralyzed below the neck and had a low sperm count before this, (or a *virgin*, for that matter) a condom or pill shouldn’t be an issue.
To be fair but mean to Alan, he was also arguing last year that gay couples should not be allowed children because kids made from sperm or ova from the same donor might meet and get married, and my heavens, that’s *incest*! And then, you know, the floods, and the flames, and the aliens, and the screaming and the heyheyhey. Which I think means he’s in favor of abortion instead of adoption, because we get the same problem there, and it’d be a lot more likely, since it’s a lot more common.
Love the new look, Alan- gives you a real “Shaft” appearance.
That Keyes is one baaad mother- shut yo’ mouth!
Poor Alan, he’s clearly confused. The Bible never said that marriage was about children. That was St. Augustine of Hippo. So hard to keep your judgemental assholes straight.
Does anyone else hear “Every Sperm is Sacred” when reading these things?
That Keyes is one baaad mother- shut yo’ mouth!
“He’s a complicated man,
And no one understands him but Kaye Grogan-
Alan Keyes!”
God sure screwed up when he made sex so much fun. Alan’s just doing his best to make everyone hates it properly like he does.
“Alan’s just doing his best to make [sure] everyone hates it properly like he does.”
I think sex WITH him would just about do the trick.
aii. Ok. ewww!
I am still stuck on why Brad thinks Alan’s baldness makes him look like a maharishi disciple.
And the thing is, he’s perfectly summed up the wingnut position on sex. They really don’t want anyone having it unless they are going to have kids.
And since he’s widely regarded as batshit insane, I can’t think of a better person to be associated with the anti-sex movement.
“The one time I tried it (with a woman, not a mule- which doesn’t count), it produced a sodomite. Since I’m the most righteous guy on the face of the Earth, what does that tell you?”
“That God’s trying to prove a point?”
Nice try, hippie- no, the truth is that sex is evil, and we must immidietly begin a program that allows humans to procreate by holding hands- a mildly less sinful way of going about things
“And the thing is, he’s perfectly summed up the wingnut position on sex. They really don’t want anyone having it unless they are going to have kids.”
I disagree. Wingnuts don’t want anyone having sex at all, ever, but since sex is the only way to create future wingnuts, it has to be tolerated.
But only under very limited, pre-approved circumstances….
Fortunately for us all, Keyes was never the U.S. ambassador to the U.N., though he once was ambassador to the Social and Economic Council of the U.N.
Alan has three kids, which means he’s only had sex three times.
Explains quite a bit, doesn’t it?
Well, it explains those weird-ass bug eyes, anyway. Something’s obviously backing up, if y’knowwhatImean.
Alan Keyes believes that when a society allows birth control, its sexual morality goes down the tubes because the purpose of sex changes in the eyes of that society. Ask yourself this: do you think that there is little or no difference between a society that permits and a society that prohibits birth control? Think that when birth control is introduced, it results in fewer unplanned pregnancies? It’s not that simple, and history is not on your side.
Alan Keyes believes that when a society allows birth control, its sexual morality goes down the tubes because the purpose of sex changes in the eyes of that society.
That is because he is koo koo bananas.