My recent obsession with trashing creationists has sadly left our friends at Renew America feeling neglected- I don’t think I’ve made fun of them for an entire week (well, I made fun of Sharon Hughes, but that was for being a creationist, so it doesn’t count).

Damn shame too, ’cause they’ve really been on fire lately. Let’s start with our old friend Barbara Stock and her column “The Power of Islam”:

The power of Islam

Barbara J. Stock
May 7, 2005

People may wonder why I write so often about the War with Islam.

Because you’re lame and you have no life?

There is no “War on Terror.”

Oh. Then I’d better call President Bush and let him know his entire legacy doesn’t exist.

Our war is with the violent ideology of Islam and those that follow that doctrine and there are millions of such followers.

Try a billion, Babs. And if you want to go to war with ALL of them, I suggest you enlist yourself, your kids, your grandkids, and your grandkids’ unborn children right now.

On one hand, we have moderate Muslims denying that Muslims kill and behead innocent people. When they are forced to admit the truth, the argument switches to, “They are not following true Islam.” The problem is this: The terrorists are following true Islam because Islam is founded on fear and violence.

While Christian history is filled with happy, sunshiny things like Crusades and Inquisitions.

Do all Muslims believe in the true teachings of Islam? No, but they believe they do.

Well. That makes sense.

There are many Muslims who truly believe that Islam is a peaceful religion whose followers would never harm a fly. These Muslims probably wouldn’t harm a fly until they are exposed to Muslims who do follow true Islam.

At which point they’ll declare an “insectifada” and launch RPG rounds into local beehives and ant colonies.

Perhaps an example would be appropriate. A perfectly normal British Muslim man went to Saudi Arabia to make his required pilgrimage, called the Hajj. This normal father of a teenaged daughter returned to London a full-fledged Muslim. Just that brief encounter with Arab Muslims turned this man into a killer.

So the minute he picked up Islam Cooties, he was just raring to go on a fly-swatting jihad.

While in Saudi Arabia, this man was convinced by the true Arab Muslims that his daughter was no longer “pure.” He was ordered to kill her to restore his “honor.” So, this man returned to London and slit his daughter’s throat in front of his other children. The two younger children ran screaming from the house covered with their sister’s blood. Their father was convinced their sister was no longer a virgin. The autopsy proved him wrong.

But if the autopsy hadn’t proved him wrong, it would have presumably been OK.

A young, innocent girl is dead. Her younger siblings are forever traumatized and their father is now in prison for life. An entire family was destroyed because of a few fateful days the father spent with Arab Muslims. That is the power of true Islam.

If all Muslims really supported slitting the throats of their children, they would have wiped themselves out years ago. But then again, Muslims are funded by Satan and have the power to bring people back from the dead, so I guess anything’s possible.

Next up, here’s Robert Meyer with an impassioned defense of Tom DeLay:

In the past, the conservative leader of the Senate, Trent Lott, was given the ouster for statements patronizing the late senator Strom Thurmond, at his centennial birthday party. If lauding the career of an old man, can somehow be interpreted as endorsing racism, or at least giving an imprimatur to the decades old segregationist platform upon which Thurmond once ran, then one has to question the seriousness of the current accusations against Tom DeLay.

Hm, well seeing that Thurmond based his entire campaign on segregation, and Trent Lott said that “we wouldn’t have had all these other problems (i.e., black people)” were Thurmond elected President, I think we can infer that he was endorsing racism. And using Robert’s example, we can also infer that Tom DeLay is guilty as hell, and that Robert is a moron.

And because I don’t want to give up trashing creationists completely, here’s Doug Hagin and his column “Evolution or creation?”

There is a raging debate in our schools, which has been going steady for decades now, and I must say it is a debate I cannot understand at all.

You gotta admire a guy who writes an entire column opinining about something he doesn’t understand. If that ain’t intellectual bravery, I dunno what is.

The debate surrounds what our children should be taught concerning the origins of human beings and other animal life. Which should be taught, evolution or creation? It seems, on the surface a fairly simple question.

Since no one alive today was actually around when the earth and life came to be, surely no one of us knows for sure what exactly happened. So why not teach all the various theories if they have scientific evidence to support them?

OK, let’s say I go over to Doug’s house and take a crap in his mouth while he’s sleeping. When Doug wakes up, he’s outraged to find his face encrusted with my poo. He calls the police and has them search his house for clues. They find some of my hair in Doug’s kitchen and my fingerprints in Doug’s living room.

But uh-oh! No one was there to see me enter the house, and Doug wasn’t awake while I was doing my business. So guess what? I go free!

While this may sound juvenile (OK, so it is juvenile… really, really juvenile) it’s a perfect metaphor for what creationists have been doing to the public for years- crapping in our mouths and hoping we don’t notice the smell.