Al-Qaeda For McCain? Inconceivable!

An endorsement for John McCain from an al-Qaeda website surely couldn’t be good for the Arizona senator’s campaign, right? You’d like to think that, wouldn’t you, libtards! In fact, the al-Hesbah website owner’s endorsement of McCain proves that al-Qaeda clearly wants Barack Obama to win, as McCain advisor James Woolsey explains:

This individual knows that the endorsement of people like him is a kiss of death, figuratively and literally. So it seems to me it’s pretty clear that, by making this statement, that he wants — it would be a good thing for McCain to be president, he’s clearly trying to damage John McCain, not speaking from his heart.

Truly, McCain and Co. have dizzying intellects, as this true re-enactment of the McCain-Obama showdown over terrorist endorsements makes clear:

All right — where is the Al-Qaeda endorsement? The battle of wits has begun. It ends when you decide and the people vote, and we find out who is right and who is dead.

But it’s so simple. All I have to do is divine from what I know of Al-Qaeda. Are they the sort of terrorists who would give a poison endorsement to their own preferred candidate, or their enemy’s?

[He studies THE MAN, BARACK now.]

Now, a clever terrorist would give the endorsement to his own candidate, because he would know that only a great fool would reach for what he was given. I’m not a great fool, so I can clearly not choose the endorsement in front of you. But al-Qaeda must have known I was not a great fool; they would have counted on it, so I can clearly not choose the endorsement in front of me.

THE MAN, BARACK [with a trace of nervousness]
You’ve made your decision then?

Not remotely. Because endorsements come from Australia, as everyone knows. And Australia is entirely peopled with criminals. And criminals are used to having people not trust them, as you are not trusted by me. So I can clearly not choose the endorsement in front of you.

Truly, you have a dizzying intellect.

Wait till I get going! Where was I?


Yes — Australia, and you must have suspected I would have known the endorsement’s origin, so I can clearly not choose the endorsement in front of me.

THE MAN, BARACK [very nervous]
You’re just stalling now.

MCCAINZINI [cackling]
You’d like to think that, wouldn’t you?

[stares at THE MAN, BARACK]

You’ve beaten my Plumber, which means you’re exceptionally un-retarded. So, al-Qaeda could have given the poison endorsement to your candidacy, trusting on your lack of retardation to save you. So I can clearly not choose the endorsement in front of you. But you’ve also bested my Alaskan, which means you must have studied past the third grade. And in studying, you must have learned that man is mortal, so al-Qaeda would have put the poison endorsement as far from your candidacy as possible, so I can clearly not choose the endorsement in front of me.

[As MCCAINZINI’s pleasure has been growing throughout, THE MAN, BARACK’s has been fast disappearing.]

You’re trying to trick me into giving away something — it won’t work —

MCCAINZINI [triumphant]
It has worked — you’ve given everything away — I know where the endorsement is!

THE MAN, BARACK [with fool’s courage]
Then make your choice.

I will. And I choose —

[And suddenly he stops, points at something behind THE MAN, BARACK.]

What in the world can that be?


[THE MAN, BARACK, turning around, looking.]

What? Where? I don’t see anything.


[MCCAINZINI, busily switching the endorsements while THE MAN, BARACK has his head turned.]

Oh, well, I-I could have sworn I saw something. No matter.

[THE MAN, BARACK turns to face him again. MCCAINZINI starts to laugh.]

What’s so funny?

I’ll tell you in a minute. First, let’s read — me from my endorsement, and you from yours.

[He picks up his endorsement. THE MAN, BARACK picks up the one in front of him. As they both start to read, MCCAINZINI hesitates a moment. Then, allowing THE MAN, BARACK to go first, he reads his endorsement.]

You guessed wrong.

MCCAINZINI [roaring with laughter]
You only think I guessed wrong —

[laughing louder now]

— that’s what’s so funny! I switched endorsements when your back was turned. You fool!


[THE MAN, BARACK has nothing he can say. He just sits there.]


[MCCAINZINI, watching him.]

You fell victim to one of the classic blunders. The most famous is, ‘Never get involved in a land war in Iraq.’ But only slightly less well known is this: ‘Never go in against a Republican when power is on the line!’

[He laughs and roars and cackles and whoops and is in all ways quite cheery until his campaign falls over dead.]

[THE MAN, BARACK, steps past the corpse, taking the blindfold and bindings off AMERICUP, who notices MCCAINZINI lying dead. THE MAN, BARACK pulls her to her feet.]

Who are you?

I am no one to be trifled with, that is all you ever need know.

[He starts to lead her off the mountain path into untraveled terrain.]

AMERICUP [a final glance back toward MCCAINZINI]
To think — all that time it was your endorsement that was poisoned.

They were both poisoned. I spent the last few years building up an immunity to Republican bullshit.


Comments: 22

Principal Blackman

What’s funny to me about this whole business is that when bin Laden dropped his October Surprise video in 2004, all the wingnuts were screaming, “bin Laden endorses Kerry! Kerry = terrorists’ candidate!” while all the intelligence analysts quickly determined that bin Laden was doing his best to do help Bush.

Now, all of a sudden, wingnuts have discovered that whole reverse-psychology thing. Except the situations aren’t the same (i.e. this wasn’t a tape intentionally made for public consumption like the 2004 thing was), and they’re about four years too late.


Everyone knows the “public” can’t remember four years back.


Well, dang. Blackman beat me to it. Curse you, minorities!


That may just be the funniest sadly no I have ever read. Awww man I am so torn. Part of me desperately wants this election to be over, and yet, with absurdities like this, another part wants it to go on for ever and ever …



There are many US security experts that remain unsurprised about Al Qaeda’s pick. Some have been expecting the terrorists to “vote” before the election by executing a high-profile attack, which would likely flip the polls in favor of McCain. It’s really pretty obvious (to those that are actually well-informed) why Al Qaeda would prefer the pro-war GOP (neocon) rule, because that party consistently plays into its hands by destabilizing the Middle East with its aggressive and ham-handed foreign policy. Al Qaeda is made up of Sunni Muslims who would be threatened by Obama’s strategy of negotiating with Shi’ites such as those who rule Iran. They would much rather see Israel (or the US Armed Forces) bomb that nation with McCain’s support.

According to Al Qaeda ideology, the four biggest “enemies of Islam” are Israel, America, Heretics, and the Shia. Abu Musab al-Zarqawi (former leader of Al-Qaeda in Iraq) called Shi’ites “the most evil of mankind . . . the lurking snake, the crafty and malicious scorpion, the spying enemy, and the penetrating venom”. It reminds me of the charges the Republicans have leveled against the Democrats latel


I wet one of the cats.


My keyboard runneth over.
Surely goodness and mercy require a Pepsi Syndrome warning on posts like this.

Have fun stormin’ da castle!


Not to worry HumboldtBlue. When Obama is sworn in the crazy will go into orbit. You ain’t seen nuttin’ yet.


best post of the year.

Turbine Yukon Palin

Sadly-snark + Princess Bride = WINZ ‘n’ GIGGLZ!


Hello. My name is Barack Montoya. You have fucked up. Now prepare for my presidency.


Woolsey’s theorem also simultaneously proves that Bill Ayers is objectively pro-McCain.


Fantastic. Exactly the scene I was thinking of in 2004 when the Republicans started shrieking about Osama wanting Kerry to win. I had a couple roommates who hadn’t seen Princess Bride, so I had to rent it so I could show them what I was talking about.


. . . the lurking snake, the crafty and malicious scorpion, the spying enemy, and the penetrating venom

Shi’a kung fu is strong.


That was brilliant.


Sarah: A book?
Katie: That’s right. When I was your age, television was called books. And this is a special book. It was the book my father used to read to me when I was sick, and I used to read it to your father. And today I’m gonna read it to you.
Sarah: Has it got any sports in it?
Katie: Are you kidding? Shooting, snowmobiling, torture, revenge, polar bears, wolves, chases, escapes, true love, miracles…
Sarah: Doesn’t sound too bad. I’ll try to stay awake.


Lovely … just lovely.

This will go down as the weirdest election campaign ever. Weirder than 1964, 1972 & 1992 put together. LSD-in-the-water-supply weird. MC-Escher-woodcut weird. Exotic-matter weird.

Can it get weirder?


Can it get wierder?

All we have is hope…


That endorsement…

I do not think it means what the Republicans think it means.


That was just full of epic win dipped in chocolate and covered in nuts.


Where are the ambitious YooToobers to make this scene a reality?


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