I’ll stop writing about the Swanksta when he stops giving me ripe material. But until then, here’s a round-up of Pastor Joseph Grant Swank’s writings for the past week:

First, Pastor Swank takes issue with Bill Clinton’s belief that Pope John Paul II will have a mixed legacy (i.e., his fight against Communism was good, but ignoring widespread pedophilia in the priesthood was bad):

HOW DARE CLINTON SLAM POPE’S LEGACY
J. Grant Swank, Jr.

Clinton’s legacy? The Thong!

Clinton’s legacy? Backslidden Southern Baptist!

Clinton’s legacy? Religious hypocrite!

Clinton’s legacy? Sleaze in the Oval Office!

Clinton’s legacy? Baby killer supporter!

Clinton’s legacy? Homosexual lifestyle endorser!

Clinton’s legacy? Doublespeak to the max!

I dunno, I think that’s a pretty cool legacy. In fact, I’d like my gravestone to read:

“Brad R.: Religious hypocrite, homosexual lifestyle endorser. The Thong!”

Anyway, Pastor Swank bitches about Clinton being a murderer and a rapist for about five pages before he plays his “You’re going to Hell!” trump card:

Clinton has much in the way of soul repair prior to his appearance before the One who proclaimed Himself the Way, the Truth, the Life. When Clinton faces the great white light of Truth Christ, may he have confessed his tawdry earthly witness, repented of his evil ways, and clung humbly to the forgiving, bloody cloak of Savior Christ.

Though Jesus better watch out- I hear Clinton likes to feign penance while moving in for a cheap feel.

Next, Pastor Swank tells us about an inmate he used to see at a prison he worked at who would play with children visiting their incarcerated parents:

In one corner of the visitors’ room was an inmate wearing a T-shirt. On it were large letters reading SESAME STREET.

I said to the fellow I was visiting: “How quaint. Is that man paid something for overseeing the children in that corner over there?”

The corner was filled with castoff toys. No doubt they had been contributed to the prison just as persons contribute toys to the Salvation Army. So a play area was made for them and the large, hulky male taking charge.

And as we all know, nothing turns Pastor Swank on more than being taken charge by large, hulky males.

How pleasant. Just like daddy on the outside going to playground with offspring for an afternoon on swings and see-saw.

Well, not exactly, but we could use our imagines. And in prison using one’s imagine goes on a lot on a variety of themes.

And since Pastor Swank’s imagine is always running wild with demons and hulky men, he knows what he’s talking about.

The next time I visited the murderer, I could not help but note that the SESAME STREET T-shirt and hulk were missing.

OK, that’s the greatest sentence in the history of the English language right there. I should quit my writing career right now, because I’ll never be good enough to write anything as good as, “The next time I visited the murderer, I could not help but note that the SESAME STREET T-shirt and hulk were missing.”

Pastor Swank also has advice for the newly wedded Royal Couple. I’m not gonna excerpt the column here, but the title is priceless: “SWALLOW HARD AND FORGIVE: CHARLES AND CAMILLA.”

Finally, Pastor Swank tells us about his anxiety over the Pope’s successor:

Evangelicals frankly don?t know what to do with the recent death of Pope John Paul II. They are having the theological shakes and one can’t blame them.

After all, the large percentage of evangelicals are attuned to biblical prophecy. They at least know the broad outlines. Many know the fine lines.

Therefore, they are particularly aware of Revelation 13 in which symbolically there is pictured the false prophet. He rules with an antiChrist. The former is a demon possessed religious leader. The latter is the demon possessed political leader. Their charisma encircles the entire globe ? all peoples, languages and tribes, to use the language of Scripture.

So if Pastor Swank is to be believed, evangelical Christians are scared to death that the Vatican might elect a demon-possessed Cardinal as the next pope.

Really, I don’t know why right-wing evangelicals don’t get more respect from the mainstream press. It’s probably because reporters are all demon-possessed too…

Therefore, these evangelicals hold the prophetic time line to the present moment mainly. They say this: The Pope was a man who was on our evangelical side on moral issues. He held to biblical doctrinal basics just as evangelicals do.

Therefore, we have to stick together in these confusing times with any semblance of the righteous remnant. Consequently, we will laud the Pope for what he means to us evangelicals according to the aforementioned.

However, these same evangelicals, attuned to prophecy, hold in balance the future. They are not sure if the next Pope will in fact be the false prophet; maybe he will turn against his own believing community and play the part of the devil’s man. If so, we are all in for big trouble.

So if the New Pope takes Bill Clinton’s advice and changes church doctrine to allow priests to marry, he’s likely working for Satan, because taking action to attract more non-child-molesting men to the priesthood is clearly against God’s will.

You guys taking notes on this?