Exciting Contest!!!

Now that S.Z.’s wrapped up her contest to name Mary Cheney’s memoir, I’ve decided that Sadly, No! needs an exciting contest of its own.

Your mission: pick up a copy of your city’s “alternative” weekly arts and entertainment newspaper and scour the personals section for the most depraved, bizarre (and funny) ad. To give you an idea what I’m talking about (and to set the bar really high), here’s my entry from a recent edition of The Boston Phoenix:

Fatass Seeks Spankpappy

Heavy Greek man 50 something, seeking older chubby chaser for ass paddling action while chip eating on bed of dirty underpants. Sailor suit a plus!

Now admittedly, that’s a tough one to beat. But I’m sure if you look hard enough, you’ll find something that at least comes close (and Seb lives in Germany, so he’ll probably find something that involves eating “die Scheisse,” if you know what I mean).

First prize will be Seb’s second penis which he’s desperately trying to keep away from Meghan Cox Gurdon.


Comments: 8


While not real and, therefore, not admissible in this contest, I recommend everyone see this related hilariousness from the sadly defunct Brunching Shuttlecocks. It is entirely work-safe and should get you in the right frame of mind for searching the personals. I especially love the penultimate item.


I cried the day I found out that the Brunching Shuttlecocks were discontinuing their site (and I know Lore still occassionally does ratings). I’ve never laughed as hard as I did when I first read the complete and utter moron’s guide to making a baloney sandwich.


Young 62 y.o. GWM, soft & hefty honey seeks rough rice daddy for candlelit dinners, Sunday brunch feedings, scat. N/S, N/D a +


Many years ago, there was a personal ad in my local free weekly with the headline, “Vomit on my Back.”

I have never forgotten it.


If only the penis eater was still out there. I don’t think there’s really anything that could top that in wierd sex games, but maybe one day someone in Germany will come up with something.


One of the ads in this week’s City Weekly (Salt Lake) opened with an all-caps I WANT YOUR TORSO.

Hysterical Woman

From the Baltimore CityPaper:
Fantasy: To be snatched away by 900 pound loner with a huge hiney fetish, my fate in his hands till the end.

Comic Book Guy is getting laid tonight.
BiM ISO four BiMs and five BiF to start a Bi swing group.

Awfully ambitous, isn’t he? Anyway, other than then that, most of them are gay guys wanting to give blowjobs to straight guys.


Hysterical Woman- OUTSTANDING finds, esp. the first one. I think you’ve got an inside track so far…


(comments are closed)