Just like AM talk radio — but in stereo!

A few days ago, we ran across Cody and Chad Janicek, the wingnut Doublemint twins behind the college-bound, career-prep start-up venture, JanicekOnline (The Conservative Corner) — a right-wing punditry vehicle apparently set up by their parents in much the same spirit as one’s own dad, a former car designer, totally helped one cheat like a murderous, screaming cheating-banshee in a massively ruined-for-all-the-other-kids Pinewood Derby, one year in Cub Scouts.

And of course that’s bad — and a belated ‘sorry’ to kids like Doug F., whose crappy, honorable-mention car was definitely built by himself alone, and not in a professional model shop by union labor, after which one merely stuck the wheels on and glued some trim together.

But this is America, Doug F. And Cub Scouts taught us some American lessons — such as, for instance, that flagrant system-gaming by adults, backed up if necessary by a wide-eyed ‘who, me?’ face on the part of their minor children can, in the end, put one in the position of having once (ha-you, Doug!) been at the very pinnacle, the very thin-aired apex, of one’s Cub Scout pack.

But then, you also learn other things, as life unfolds and widens into adult panorama. Oh yes one tends to.

Los Janiceks: Check out their promotional videos and super-extensive CafePress merch selection. These boys are up and rolling, and on their way!

cody.jpg
Cody is the one who looks like Father Mulcahey from M*A*S*H. He’s a little bit country.

chad.jpg
Chad is the wild one, the heartbreaker. He’s a little bit rock ‘n’ roll.

[Update: The PR contact (!?) for JanicekOnline tells us that Cody and Chad are actually ‘grown men’ who find it quite amusing to be mistaken for teenagers.

This is welcome news in a way, because picking on high-school students is lower than even S,N! usually sinks (Amber Pawlik is at least in college). It would be nothing to brag about among decent people, if any ever came here.

And yet, our puzzlement is vast. What’s this article in the September 24th, 2004 edition of Leander High School’s newspaper, ‘The Roar?’

We hope to get to the bottom of this in an upcoming blue-ribbon special report.]

A minute ago we started to feel all bad and petty for picking on a family that seems to be trying to make it as best they can, trying to launch their sons into a profession that they’re clearly interested in.

But then we picked up on Cody’s column, “The Fight to Erase God in America, Part II,” where we left off, and wooh, forget it.

Because while we’re burning vital neurochemicals in wondering if we’re wrong and over-harsh, and thinking that we don’t have a right to criticize people (because we’re such lib-lib-liberals), Cody comes thundering through straddling a pair of bison, spraying suppressing fire from a bison-mounted .50-caliber. Will we never learn!

With the legalization of abortion, the miraculous gift of pregnancy was now seen as a choice. Not a choice to be made before participating in sexual intercourse, but after.

‘Participating in sexual intercourse?’ There used to be a word for that. But back to Cody:

No longer was the idea of the Biblical teaching of abstinence needed. Now, a woman could simply abort the child and skip the consequences of her (and his) reckless behavior. The need for God has, in their mind, slightly diminished. Since then, over 40 million “choices” have been made. Though it was not an overt action to remove God, it did aid the effort.

Baby. Sweet darlin’. Let me just freshen that drink and turn the stereo ON, and get us a soun’track for our…personal pleasure.

>clickzoot!clickActivists today, however, seem to be tired of working inconspicuously.

Nope, no more of those demure outfits and whispered slogans over the garden fence like in the ’70s. Austin must be a crazy place these days, with all these naked, green-painted liberals jumping around on pogo sticks, screaming to abort God, et cetera.

It used to be that the biggest spectacle in town was Billy Gibbons from ZZ Top roaring around the university district in that famous hot-rod car from the videos. Billy used to give out a bunch of magic hot-rod keys — if I remember the videos correctly — to dorky but decent guys whose lives were totally changed by the bevy of bouncing, blonde tube-top chicas who magically appeared and…

But hold on a moment here. Wouldn’t it solve a number of problems at once if Cody and Chad were to…?

In November of 2004, a Californian schoolteacher was barred from distributing copies of the Declaration of Independence because it mentioned a Creator.

Nope, these guys don’t deserve the magic hot-rod key. Fat luck, guys — and you know what else?
Sadly, No!

 

Comments: 17

 
 
 

“With the legalization of abortion, the miraculous gift of pregnancy was now seen as a choice.”

Well, birth control pills were man’s first big middle finger to God, so I guess we should ban them too.

 
 

If you really want a glimpse into the wingnut world these kids inhabit, forget Rush, Hannity, and Scarborough. See if you can find Mark Crutcher and his Life Dynamics show in your area. He shows up on my local community access cable station. You’ll learn such truths as:

A government study of RU-486 resulted in the death of 13 out of the 15 women in the study. The other two have permanent heart damage. Of course the government suppressed the results.
Planned Parenthood intentionally hands out defective condoms in order to increase the number of abortions.
All forms of birth control are actually abortions.
Planned Parenthood routinely kills theirs patients, but then bundles them out the back door and into the trunk of a waiting car. The bodies are then driven out into the countryside to be buried.

I kid you not, this is the world these people live in. It makes Jerry Fletcher look sane.

 
 

Now that’s high quality family entertainment!
What’s next, Ann Coulter Living?

 
 

in much the same spirit as one’s own dad, a former car designer, totally helped one cheat like a murderous, screaming cheating-banshee in a massively ruined-for-all-the-other-kids Pinewood Derby, one year in Cub Scouts.

You know what? Fuck you, and fuck anyone who was ever that kid.

 
 

Doug, it was years ago, man. We were both nine years old.

 
 

this is the first time i’ve seen a guy write about a girlfriend’s abortion….i would like to see more blogging about that. i rarely hear a male perspective on it.

thanks for sharing it.

 
 

Rarely hear a guy writing about it? All guys do is write about it…and try to boss our ovaries around. Like they know what to do with them. Shit, they wont even go in the store to get us a tampon.

 
 

Austin must be a crazy place these days, with all these naked, green-painted liberals jumping around on pogo sticks, screaming to abort God, et cetera.

I see you’ve met Norbizness.

 
 

Now, a woman could simply abort the child and skip the consequences of her (and his) reckless behavior.

Ah, yes. The old “sex has consequences” thing. Getting them into that young these days. Can’t have those nasty girls actually enjoying themselves, can we? No, we need to have them pregnant so we know who they are and where to focus our shaming.

 
 

I don’t know if it was a guilty conscience or clumsy writing (both usually absent from Sadly, No!), but I had trouble figuring out who was the Pinewood Derby offender. Speaking as the dad of a kid who is determined to build his entry ALL BY HIMSELF (with predictable consequences), whoever got his racer outsourced was LOW LOW LOW. I suggest the offender construct and display a mis-shapen birdfeeder as penance. And also post some tips for a winning car, so the rest of us can catch a break.

 
 

I would *totally* do the cute one.

 
 

That cheater was me.

Honestly though, people seem genuinely upset over that story. It’s true, but I took some liberties in making myself seem like more of a low-down sneaky little bastard than I was.

The car was a ringer, never meant to be competitive in the actual races. It won ‘most original design’ (I did design it) while the cars built by the mechanical engineers’ dads took the racing trophies.

Under the innocent surface of the Pinewood Derby was a vast, seething network of hypercompetitive cheating dads — and don’t tell me it’s any different today. Besides which, if I wanted to make myself look good, why would I be posting here?

 
 

perhaps the pr consultant’s definition of manhood is ‘old enough to kill for the country, but not old enough to drink.’

not that these dear boys have any such belmishes on their tender souls.
other than that ‘judge not, lest ye be judged’ thing.

 
 

I’m with Alan. I’ll save Cody and Chad the heartbreak of having to get their girlfriends an abortion by doing them *both*. But only if they are who they claim to be in those pictures, not an internet dating thing where they’re really 47 and look like Tom DeLay.

 
 

It’s ironic. The Cub Scouts are supposed be a way to postpone exposure to pedophiles and cheating, but the exact opposite is true. But it does prepare our kids for life in the real world, where the people who run things profess one set of values but practice the exact opposite. For yiour sincere and public contrition, I hereby absolve you of your Pinewood Derby sins.

 
 

I can’t come up with a joke. Fuck these sanctimonious little shits.

 
 

scott: Oh. My. Sweet. Lordy-gordy. That is the craziest shit I’ve ever read.
Alan & Jim: They’re both kinda cute. Sandwich-worthy, even.(I’m relieved to find out they’re not underage.) Unfortunately, extreme stupidity is not a turn-on for me, so I think I’d pass.

 
 

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