Batshit Crazy — Now With Less Bat, More Shit

Jack Cashill, a Wingnut Daily columnist best known for his sublimely ludicrous conspiracy theories — you know, Bill Clinton shot Ron Brown and missiles shot down TWA 800 — has honed homed zeroed in on another theory that is certain to get some of the dimmer wingnuts in the wingnut-o-sphere — we’re looking at you, Bob Owens — more hopped up than a bowl full of meth-dusted Cheetos. According to Cashill, Bill Ayers isn’t just Barack Obama’s best friend forever, occasional fuck buddy, role model, personal chef, close business associate, financial adviser, and party planner, he also was the ghost writer for Obama’s first book Dreams from My Father.
Let’s look at what caused Cashill to reach this astonishing conclusion:
Dreams melds two styles: one, a long-winded accounting of conversations and events, polished just well enough to pass muster; the second, a fierce, succinct and tightly coiled analysis of the events that have been related.
[Ayers’s] Fugitive Days is fierce, succinct and tightly coiled throughout.
Well, Q.fucking.E.D. Other “evidence”: Ayers and Obama grew up in white households, read a few of the same books, gave their children scary Negro names, and were community organizers. And, most telling of all, both used the word “audacity” in their books.
Lacking digitized, full text versions of Dreams or Bill Ayers’ Fugitive Days, I have been reduced to close readings and yellow highlighters.
That much said, a textual comparison of the two books and the additional circumstantial evidence of time, place, means, and motive make Ayers a highly likely candidate for Obama’s ghostwriter.
But since he did the textual comparison with, you know, low-tech yellow highlighters it is impossible for him to share the results of his side-by-side comparison. We’ll just have to take Cashill’s word for it.
Just so you’ll know, I was raised by a white family, spent my teenage years jerking off, and wrote a story using both the words “wad” and “whacking.” By Cashill’s logic, this is definitive proof that I’m the real author of Portnoy’s Complaint, which was also written by a white male who jerked off a lot when he was a teenager and which also uses the words “wad” and “whacking.” Philip Roth owes me everything.
The kerning! look at the kerning!
Holy crap, call the kerners! We must gather evidence of this nefarious conspiracy!!1!
*shakes fist* Damn you, Sockpuppet!!!
Wait, Clif, does that mean you only jerked off during your teenage years? Damn, you’re good.
perhaps i should have phrased that, “you jerked off only during your teenage years”–but you probably got it.
No, OTB, I just jerked off a lot more during my teenage years. 🙂
…which was also written by a white male who jerked off a lot when he was a teenager and which also uses the words “wad” and “whacking.”
Still inconclusive – did you ever fuxx0r your family’s dinner?
Dreams melds two styles: one, a long-winded accounting of conversations and events, polished just well enough to pass muster; the second, a fierce, succinct and tightly coiled analysis of the events that have been related.
[Ayers’s] Fugitive Days is fierce, succinct and tightly coiled throughout.
Well, that only leaves the long-winded, rambling part. You know who wrote in that manner? THE UNABOMBER.
>No, OTB, I just jerked off a lot more during my teenage years. 🙂
Good man!
Please, “homed in on,” not “honed in on.” Like a homing pigeon or a homing beacon. “Hone” is to sharpen. Sorry, it’s my new linguistic pet peeve, and it’s spreading like the plague.
Does he suggest a motive? Why would someone writing a book about his parents ask some random guy he just met to write it for him?
Kerners are GO!
Eh? What’s that you say? Whattaya mean we don’t even need to go to the kerning anymore? We can just say whatever we want and justify it with less reason than does Jonah Loadpants his
fecestheses?Woohoo! More time for Cheetohs and wanking!
Isn’t it far more likely that both books were ghostwritten by the same secretive conspirator, leaving clues throughout? I sense great potential for a Dan Brown novel … and then the geniuses behind An American Carol can make a movie from the book!
Jesus. His evidence, in toto, is “Obama is black, and Ayers wanted to be black, QE mothafuckin’ D!” He’s got that, plus some appeals to authority and a lot of twisted history lessons about how eeeebil Ayers is. That’s it.
People like this must have a great deal of difficulty going about their daily lives. For instance, when they brush their teeth, they worry that liberal agents have replaced their toothpaste with nanobots that could brainwash them. Every time they leave the house, they have to check every corner of the sky to make sure that no black helicopters are around.
I’m not sure anymore that there’s any hushed, widespread conspiracy to insane for them to contemplate. I’m kind of afraid of what’s going to happen to them–or more accurately, what they’ll feel driven to do about it–when Obama is elected.
Yo yo yo I know you not dissin my homiez we be grillin we be grillin hatas everywhere we go
I stopped at this:
Ugh. This is stupid, petty, and flagrantly dishonest on so many levels, not the least of which being that the article exists. Obama forgot the name of the magazine he saw thirty years ago. Oh noes.
Philip Roth owes me everything.
Then you owe me for The Plot Against America, asshole.
I don’t think this will go anywhere with the kerners until he provides some scans.
Yo yo it’s all proof Obizzle be extremizzle all up on yo greeeeeeeeyull
PeeJ, got your phone message at the Little Little Rock office. Geez, you could have left a callback number or something, dude! These pathetic entreaties in the S,N realm are getting tiresome, so let’s try something new:
SadlyNoCamera@gmail.com
Please, “homed in on,” not “honed in on.” Like a homing pigeon or a homing beacon. “Hone” is to sharpen. Sorry, it’s my new linguistic pet peeve, and it’s spreading like the plague.
I tried to resist my sub-editing urge, but seeing as someone’s thrown down the pedantry gauntlet…
The post says that Cashill’s theory will get the wingnuts ‘more hopped up than a bowl full of meth-dusted Cheetos’, but a bowl full of meth-dusted Cheetos can’t get hopped up or boogie down or feel or do much of anything. The correct but rather snooty-sounding phrasing would be ‘…more hopped up than would a bowl full of meth-dusted Cheetos’.
Now that’s pedantry, muthafukkaz.
Y’all ever read early “Bloom County”, the stuff before Opus and Bill The Cat took over the strip’s attention and the kids were the feature? Well, the then-lead character, Milo, was a reporter for the local newspaper and constantly toturing some incredibly corrupt senator who’s name I’ve forgotten. Anyhow, during one of the many post-Watergate “-gates” – might’ve been when Gary Hart dared the press to come catch his dumbass doing exactly what he’d been accused of, the dumbass – the group of press folk hounding said senator were pictured barking like a pack of hounds after a raccoon. Being an ex-member of the press, I’ve always found that an apt portrayal.
Also, I’m starting to believe wingnut bloggers and pundits get blast faxes from the RNC to report whatever dumbshit whichever jackass tells ’em to report, i.e. the Ayers nothing. I always thought it was either black humor or borderline paranoia from my fellow DFH’s ’cause most of the GOP is too fucking stupid to be this organized. Still, their churning out dumbass stuff, so who knows.
So, to tie all this together, rightwing bloggers are starting to remind me of my old man’s deer dogs, which were dumb enough to chase anything that crossed their path, making the old man spend all day getting them out of the river bottom after they’d chased a mangy old coyote into it. And every morning, the trees in the front yard just shock the shit out of ’em, so they gotta bark at that. I’ve seen Bob Owens picture, he does look like a running walker.
Hey, I’ve got a conspiracy theory for ya, dontcha know: Sarah Palin actually is George W. in a skirt. Has anyone ever seen them in the same room?
Wow. They’re living on some mighty thin gruel lately.
At least they’ll be ready for life after the markets get done collapsing.
Finally, a little credit!
I seriously considered laying down some heavy pendantry, but decided it would be too much of a millstone around my neck.
I just highlighted my computer screen with orange highlighter, symbolizing the smearing of cheetoh’s in the annual dance o’ teh wingnut.
…the second, a fierce, succinct and tightly coiled analysis of the events that have been related.
[Ayers’s] Fugitive Days is fierce, succinct and tightly coiled throughout.
I hear Mr. Cashill has a fierce, succinct and tightly coiled sphincter.
Does he suggest a motive? Why would someone writing a book about his parents ask some random guy he just met to write it for him?
It’s common knowledge in the conservative community that William Ayers recruited Barack Hussien when he was 8 years old. In addition to being used to deliver bombs to the homes of American Patriots in The Heartland, the young boy was also converted to a life-long homosexulist by the all-pedophile Liberal class and he spread this deviancy throughout the many madrasses he attended during his religious indoctrination. As a member of a ring of Muslin call-boys, Barack Hussien was able to infiltrate the Defense Department, where he entrapped, blackmailed and eventually assassinated Texas Senator John Tower, all on Ayers orders. This was only one of a long string of murders Ayers directed the boy to commit, all in an attempt to bring down our Democracy in order to replace it with a Stalinist-Muslamo hybrid state of repressive religious influence and strange food.
Ayers continues to control him. In the early 1970’s, the radical bomber put together a devious plan to take out Lyndon LaRouche’s printer, Ken Kronberg. The genius of the plan was the length of time it would take to execute, which would in turn, leave Ayers off of the list of suspects. He finally concluded his devious machinations on Aprill 11, 2007 by having Barack Hussien run Kronberg over with his own Toyota Corolla, making it appear to be a suicide. Curiously, all records of this event have been lost and the FBI has refused to make any statement on it.
Barack Hussien is the ultimate ….ummm…….what was the name of that Frank Sinatra movie where the guy gets brainwashed and then he gets elected? The Stepford Wives? Well, he’s the ultimate Stepford Wife, ready to go insane as soon as the layer cake is frosted, speaking metaphorically. You LIE-brals need to get your heads out of the sand and recognize that John McPalin is the only thing standing between us and a life of eating chick peas and pita bread for the rest of our lives, wearing a turban the whole time under the threat of the Muslin clothing police.
Robert M.
Brilliant! Like Teddy Roosevelt wrangling men into his Rough Riders at the Menger Hotel bar in San Antonio, I hereby call for all sane people everywhere to bombard those dickwads with announcements of plots against them.
Robert is right, there’s nothing too bizarre they won’t believe. So lets feed their pfears – big time. They’ll start bursting blood vessels from the fear and anger. We can literally make their heads explode!
Who’s with me?
[Yes, it’s absolutely nothing like TR’s manning up the Rough Riders. But I *have* been to the Menger Hotel bar. Piss off]
Ayers and Obama both use words!!!!
Collusion!!!!
Collusion, I say!!!!
Sarah Palin actually is George W. in a skirt.
Jon Stewart called her “She-Bush” last night.
seeing as someone’s thrown down the pedantry gauntlet…
Heh heh heh.
BRAAAAPPP wrong. The intent was to portray the wingnuts as hopped up, as they would be after consuming a bowl of meth-dusted Cheetohs, only more so. You’ve got the bowl of meth dusted Cheetohs being hopped up. So the correct formulation is, “..more hopped up than a bowl full of meth-dusted Cheetohs would make them.
Now that’s pedantry, muthafukkaz.
Ahem.
Ghost Writers in the Sky
touché
also, ouch.
Of ocurse, one could do better: “more hopped up than they would be after consuming..”
I do dislike some things that dangle.
Having read the fierce, succinct and tightly coiled writing of “The Call of Cthulhu”, I am now in a position to definitively announce that Obama’s book was, in fact, ghost written by H. P. Lovecraft.
Minor quibble: I believe the proper form is “Q.E. fucking D,”, not “Q. fucking E.D.” as you have it.
The mnemonic is, “Fucking before E (or H), except after Q (or Jesus).”
There’s also some follow-up shit that has something to do with Ay!, neighbor, weigh, preigh, leigh, seigh and feigh, but I can never remember that right because I’m consistently befuddled by phrases that rhyme.
So the correct formulation is, “..more hopped up than a bowl full of meth-dusted Cheetohs would make them.
Nuh-uh. “Meth-dusted” is an amalgimated participle, followed by “Cheetos” a subjective noun-clause and both are preceeded by “hopped up” which is a tansitional lucent verbiage. Grammernerically, they cancel each other out. The proper form (according to the OED) would be “…more meth-dusted than a hopped up bowl of Cheetos could make them”.
Fixed!
Well, the then-lead character, Milo, was a reporter for the local newspaper and constantly toturing some incredibly corrupt senator who’s name I’ve forgotten.
That would be Senator Bedfellow. I can’t believe you didn’t know that.
Rugged in Montana is correct. Now let this be the end to it before you all completely destroy what was once a rather nice bit of imagery.
Bill the Cat is my hero because he so closely resembles what I look like when I crawl out of bed first thing in the afternoon.
“Ack!” and “Thbbbt!” indeed.
That would be Senator Bedfellow. I can’t believe you didn’t know that.
Me neither. I blame copious marijuana use. I do, however, remember the cartoon in question. Sen. Bedfellow’s aids were caught exchanging candy bars for long hugs, and when the Sen. was cleared of all charges, the gentlecoondogs of the press found his Sears catelogue full of pictures of women in underwear. Thus, “Girdlegate”. Bark bark bark.
And I’m with PeeJ in encouraging Scanners-like exploding wingnut heads Attention all right wingers: if Obama wins, anyone who refers sneeringly to hip-hop as “rap ‘music'” will be forced to memorize It Takes A Nation Of Millions To Hold Us Black and perform interpretive dances to it. Also, no more tater tots unless you’re willing to be friends with a gay person. Finally, all Christian preachers will have to end their sermons with “Of course, I might be wrong, Allah be merciful.”
There. No someone go tell Ace Of Spades to get on the ball with this big news.
Robert is right, there’s nothing too bizarre they won’t believe. So lets feed their pfears – big time. They’ll start bursting blood vessels from the fear and anger. We can literally make their heads explode!
I subscribe to a daily e-mail alert detailing all the ways that we liberals are using secret mind-control techniques in newspaper advertisements to induce Jack Cashill to fantasize about having sex with a she-male version of his own mother.
They both exhibit frequent use of “the ” and “and.”
I’m given to understand that LIE-brals are working in league with the anti-Mohammed to stop The Rapture! Cut it out, my neighbor Larry says I can have his Harley when he gets Rapted (Rapt? Raptured? Rapturated? Dunno, but you know EXACTLY what I’m talking about, so just stop messing around and let Larry get air-borne).
But I *have* been to the Menger Hotel bar
me too….cool.
…before Opus and Bill The Cat took over the strip’s attention and the kids were the feature?
Oh yes … the Eighties needed that comic. Pity Opus came along and Cousin-Olivered it up.
Please, “homed in on,” not “honed in on.”
I get a kick out of mangled clichés, personally. It’s the main reason I still read FDL.
johnbinpt said,
October 7, 2008 at 21:19
Please, “homed in on,” not “honed in on.” Like a homing pigeon or a homing beacon. “Hone” is to sharpen. Sorry, it’s my new linguistic pet peeve, and it’s spreading like the plague.
My turn to be the pedant … but the phrase honed in on is used correctly here, and even that dictionary-thingy agrees with me.
Phrasal Verb(s):
hone in
1. To move or advance toward a target or goal: The missiles honed in on the military installation.
2. To direct one’s attention; focus: The lawyer honed in on the gist of the plaintiff’s testimony.
Jack Cashill:
Myles na gCopaleen:
My in-depth textual analysis leads me ineluctably to the conclusion that Jack Cashill’s output is being ghost-written by a dead piss-head Dubliner.
“They talked into the night about children, welfare, schools, crime, rent, gangs, the problems and the life of a neighborhood,” Ayers tells us of the poor black folks he tried to organize. Dreams is filled with such encounters.
Well, that concludes it. Black folks don’t really have any interest in children, schools, crime or living in a good neighbourhood. Neither Obama nor Ayers write that black folks are only interested in dealing drugs, becoming single mothers and collecting welfare cheques and therefore they are THE SAME MAN.
…even that dictionary-thingy agrees with me.
OK, then.
I get a kick out of what I believe to be mangled clichés. Plus the truly mangled ones.
I’m easily amused.
Pity Opus came along and Cousin-Olivered it up.
Sad but true. Berke Breathed must have had a hellacious dating life. Still, “Pear Pimples for Hairy Fishnuts!” is one of the funniest things ever.
“Pear Pimples for Hairy Fishnuts!” is one of the funniest things ever.
Oh yes. Opus was fun in the early days, and I must be fair. Even when he was overdone he was much more fun than Cousin Oliver.
Strengthens my point, etc.
Loneoak, I’ve been spreading that She-Bush rumor ever since Palin said “nook-yoo-lar.”
But now we know hy they’re really keeping her (and him) away from the press. That exquisite mangling of the English language a giveaway deadly is.
Since you brought up the “Bill Clinton shot Ron Brown” conspiracy theory, I must mention that thisis my favorite conspiracy theory evah.
Someone smuggled a gun onto the plane, shot Ron Brown, and then crashed the plane to get rid of all the witnesses (including a really stooopid assassin, apparently). but if they crashed the plane to get rid of the witnesses, WHAT WAS THE POINT OF SHOOTING HIM?! People can only die once – except for Gandy Baugh.
All bow down and worship Sunn O))), bitches!
http://www.swanfungus.com/friends/113/15.mp3
I thought you were going to say he said Ayers was Obama’s father.
And if you think the fact Ayers is Caucasian would stop the nonsense you haven’t been paying attention.
I recently made a comment on another blog wherein I said “..sir, today’s topic is nun-beating.” and was aghast when nobody caught the Opurt reference….
“Olive-Loaf Vigilante” Pummels Street Mimes!
I for one fully support penguin lust.
Good Lord, man, I can’t support that.
Face the camera, please.
Hmmmm . . . . if those wingnuts will buy this crap-on-a-stick, perhaps I should try to get them interested in purchasing some of these slightly-used (but good as new!) derivative financial instruments that I suddenly seem to have an overstock of.
You know, sometimes I wonder if I would have discovered the cure for herpes or something if my brain wasn’t filled with comic strip punch lines, Monty Python skits, and rock music trivia…
Hey, look, Pete Townshend arrested for kiddie porn!
Let’s keep our regionalistic emotionalisms under our big, ugly hats, shall we?
Ahem:
“But nothing, pervert terrorism is the worst kind.”
“Perv- Oo! Why! You!”
“Stay in view please.”
From the Svelte Bouyant Waterfowl series.
Kind of scary when you consider that 30 years later we’ve got an Admin. that treats porn and terrorism as equally horrible threats.
(What do you mean, “Get a life, Arky!”?)
“But nothing, pervert terrorism is the worst kind.”
“Perv- Oo! Why! You!”
“Stay in view please.”
Of course, I bow to your superior remembrance, Arky-chthulhuluhluhulhulllulu…. ummm, arky.
My only excuse is that I’ve been drinkin. Root Boozles.
Guns don’t kill people. People kill guns.
Pedantry Amateurs, the hour of reckoning has come. First, which dictionary emitted that ridiculous “hone in” example? As Texans say, you can put your boots in the oven but that don’t make ’em biscuits.
The OED will have none of it. “Hone” can mean to delay or hesitate (but not since 1570 A.D.), or to grumble or moan, or to sharpen. That’s it. Discussion over.
Now, as to the non-sentient bowl of meth-dusted Cheetos: Kiki is correct, by which I mean grammatically correct. Peej is also correct (there’s more than one way to skin a phrase, depending on what you actually mean), except that he disses Kiki. Rugged in Montana (BTW, does anyone realize that his/her acronym is RIM?) is also correct, but fails by dissing Peej. Therefore, the winner is Kiki.
And I have a fucking English degree, which is much harder [to obtain] than a normal one.
For “hone in on” as a corruption of “home in on”, Language Log trumps HumboldtBlue.
Stag Tunnel Palin said:
And I have a fucking English degree, which is much harder to obtain than a normal one.
I’m English.
I think I can say with some certainty that fucking the English is not really very difficult at all.
And I have a fucking English degree, which is much harder [to obtain] than a normal one.
Here, a fruitful direction for our discussion, at least until the debate and the drinking games begin.
Honey don’t play that.
And I have a fucking English degree
Oh, DO you. Do you REALLY. I’ll call your “English degree” BA and raise you an MS in Journalism and an almost-but-never-ever-to-be-completed PhD in Communication. And as I said earlier, insufferable grammarianism destroys otherwise perfectly delightful imagery.
Wait…
Matt, you had me at hello. Cutter John fo’ life, yo. And the old school Steve Dallas. Buicks, broads, and Buckley!
Nowz I gotz to go get all Jonah Golberg on some of da asses all up in heah ….
I’M RIGHT I’M RIGHT I’M RIGHT I’M RIGHT I’M RIGHT I’M RIGHT I’M RIGHT I’M RIGHT I’M RIGHT I’M RIGHT I’M RIGHT I’M RIGHT ,…… thhhbbbttttt ….. brraaapppp …. snorgle brudgle comflibulacious!
This guy is either:
An English lit teacher working at a rural community college, you know like Grabar.
or
A professional writer of credit default swaps.
I like Opus. I heard on NPR that Breathed’s quitting it though. Too bad.
Uh, I hate to make myself out to be a conspiracy-addled friend of the wingnut, but you might want to have another look at that Flight 800 story. As I recall, even Newsday didn’t buy the official story. Too many witnesses — literally dozens — saw something that wasn’t a 747 blowing up due to an inexplicable occurrence that had never happened before and hasn’t happened since. Just sayin’ that sometimes a conspiracy is actually a conspiracy.
Cashill does eventually make a stab a solidifying his evidence — namely, the mutual affinity for nautical references: “As a writer, especially in the pre-Google era of ‘Dreams,’ I would never have used an image as specific as ‘ballast’ unless I knew exactly what I was talking about. Ayers knew. Obama did not.”
By contrast, Cashill offers: “Not everyone writes this way. For instance, my book ‘Sucker Punch,’ which is no small part a memoir about race, is silent on the subject of the sea.”
Well, that settles it, then.
No no no. By using every 2nd word starting letter on the 3rd page and every 3rd word starting letter on the 4th page and so on, you can prove that Francis Bacon wrote both books.
The old ham.
Philip Roth owes me everything money.
And Clif owes me money 15 percent (n €, f u plz. thx.)
goddam
tags that work differently in Preview vs. SubmitWordPressPhilip Roth owes me everything.
Be careful what you wish for.
BRAAAAPPP wrong. The intent was to portray the wingnuts as hopped up, as they would be after consuming a bowl of meth-dusted Cheetohs, only more so. You’ve got the bowl of meth dusted Cheetohs being hopped up. So the correct formulation is, “..more hopped up than a bowl full of meth-dusted Cheetohs would make them.
Uh, BRAAAP on your BRAAAP. I haven’t ‘got’ the bowl of Cheetohs (actually, Cheetos) as being hopped up, I’m saying that the author, in his original phrasing, has done so. Your ‘correct formulation’ is simply another way of saying what I suggested, but with a few more words. Ahem indeed.
As if anyone is still reading this thread.
Therefore, the winner is Kiki.
You’re goddamn right I am, and thanks for saying so. Except there ain’t no cap K on my name (this ‘style choice’ was originally made for ease of name-changing when jumping on my brother’s machine to play Quake back in the day).
Anyhoo, as a sub-editor I spend day after wretched day cleaning up the mess made by people with English and journalism (mainly journalism) degrees. So fuck all y’all!
[…] comes) so I’m surprised to find you doing it. Cashill has written a very thorough analysis. (Not.) If you’re content to have that be your reaction to it, so be it. … I expected to get […]
[…] comes) so I’m surprised to find you doing it. Cashill has written a very thorough analysis. (Not.) If you’re content to have that be your reaction to it, so be it. … I expected to get […]