Well, Seb’s probably gonna be back Monday, so this is likely my last entry here at Sadly, No! *sniff* (And if Seb’s still away, he’s gonna need to find someone else, ‘cuz I start class again Monday and won’t have the extra time. “You spent your Spring Break BLOGGING?!” you ask. Well, unlike the REST of you East Coast Eliterists, I have to work full-time when not in class. Maybe if y’all learned the values of hard work you’d become “the most influential voice of your generation” (and get all the chicks) just like Judson Cox.)

Thanks to everyone for their support, even the person who left this comment:

Yoshida looks like a byproduct of a hot, sweaty, grunting quickie filled with screaming dirty words and exchanges of bodily fluids (including semen) between Kate O’Bierne, Tom DeLay, Dennis Hastert and Orin Hatch. He frequently refers to all four as “papa”.

At any rate, come check out my NEW place, The Superhappyfun Blog!!! I’m still working on the layout, so forgive its current shoddy appearance.

Now, onto today’s business. After reading yesterday’s post on Adam Yoshida, my friend Trish dropped me a line to say that Adam’s involved in an on-line government simulation game, and that Adam, for reasons only Satan knows, has been elected president.


Above: As you can see, Virtual President Yoshida is up to his old tricks and yelling at foreigners. He’s also trying to get Congress to let him run for (gulp) a third term.


Curious to see how the hell Yoshida got elected, I decided to comb through the American Government Simulation’s archives for some of his political advertisements. As you’d expect, they’re real dandies.

Take this one, dealing with space exploration:

CUT TO: Adam Teiichi Yoshida walking in the warm sunlight on the National Mall.

YOSHIDA: When Thomas Jefferson concluded the Louisiana Purchase, some people mocked him: America would never, in a thousand years, be able to use all of the land he’d bought, they said. When Secretary of State James Seward bought Alaska from Russia he was mocked too. Alaska was worthless, critics said, they called it “Seward’s Folly.”

“And when Adam Yoshida bought all those bottles of Absorb-Shun and Spur-M, everyone laughed. But now he feels HUGE and is GUSHING LIKE A HYDRANT!”

The destiny of man, and of America, lies amongst the stars. Surely you all must know that. Even if we do not settle in space then our children will, or our children’s children. We will go to space: it’s up to us to decide just what sort of space our descendents venture in to.

“I’m Adam Yoshida, and I’m asking you to help me deport the handicapped to Uranus.”

We, by the right of first occupation, are the rightful owners of the Moon. This is a tremendous resource which will be of infinite benefit to our nation in the long-term. If I am elected President my first act will be to withdraw the United States from the Outer Space Treaty of 1967 and declare the Moon to be the sovereign territory of the United States of America.

I think what Adam’s trying to say with this ad is that we should drill for oil on the moon, even though it’s impossible for oil to exist there because it’s never sustained any plant or animal life. But screw that! People said Seward was a fool for buying Alaska, and dammit, Adam wants to drill for oil on the moon. And if the moon has no oil? We’ll nuke the S.O.B.- it’s not like moon affects the tides or anything.

Now check out this one about immigration policy:

CUT TO: Close up we see a Mexican running side by side with another “Mexican” who is wearing a face mask. The second “Mexican” takes off his mask to reveal that he looks a lot like Osama Bin Laden. He hands the first Mexican a bundle of cash.

“Bin Laden” (In Arabic, With English Subtitles): Here’s your rewards.

Mexican (In Spanish, With English Subtitles): Hey, thanks man.

“Bin Laden” (In Arabic, With English Subtitles): Peace be upon you, Brother. There is no God but God and Mohammed is his messenger.

You may wonder how the Mexicans and the Islamofascists formed such a close alliance without even knowing each others’ language. This might have something to do with Adam’s theory that, in addition to looking alike, all dark-skinned foreigners communicate through secret decoder rings handed out by Satan.

CUT TO: Congressman Adam Teiichi Yoshida walking along the Capitol Grounds with a crowd of a half-dozen extremely attractive high school-aged girls.

“Adam Yoshida: Defending your freedom, boinking your underage daughter.”

YOSHIDA: When we lose control over our borders, we don’t know who or what’s coming into our country. Drugs, terrorists, rapists, murderers, illegal weapons: if thousands can cross our border each day without being stopped and searched then anything can…

(A nuclear explosion destroys the Capitol in the background, consuming the girls in flames. Yoshida keeps walking).

“This’ll show all those square parents slapped me with restaining orders- I’ll have their daughters blown up in this ad!!”

YOSHIDA (CON’T): Even a nuclear bomb.

(The flames suddenly retreat)

YOSHIDA (CON’T): The only thing can stop it is the election of a man to the White House who will defend our borders and deport the illegal aliens who have already invaded our country. None of my opponents will do that.

None of your opponents hit on teenage girls either, but that doesn’t make it a good idea.

And finally, here’s my personal favorite, on civil liberties:

(audio clip) FBI Agent 1: STOP THAT GUY
FBI Agent 2: Wait, we haven’t read him his Miranda rights.
FBI Agent 1: BUT HE’S GETTING AWAY
FBI Agent 2: You have the right to remain silent. You have…

*KABOOM*

Adam Yoshida: This is what happens when political correctness and civil rights get in the way of protecting American citizens.

I’m not sure how taking thirty seconds to read someone their Miranda rights would result in an explosion. And since cops don’t normally read people their rights until after they’ve been apprehended anyway, I’m really baffled.

Anyway, it’s been fun blogging other ’round these here parts. Have a good weekend, and God bless us, everyone (well, maybe not Adam…).