The Young Republicans Bachelor Auction!

Over at The Rant, Krystle Russin opines that young conservatives are just as kewl as their liberal counterparts:

Above: The Rant’s depiction of a hip young Republican. Apparently, you have to have really big man-hands, just like Ann Coulter.

If you are like many Americans, you expect a young liberal to be charming, good looking, well dressed, intelligent, and charismatic. He or she will know about the latest entertainment and political news, be involved in many things, and have a long list of friends. A young conservative will be antisocial, frumpy, humorless, and sheltered from the real world.

That’s pretty accurate, but she forgot to include “home-schooled by religious fundamentalists,” “sexist,” and “virgin.”
But wait! According to Krystle, those old stereotypes are things of the past:

Sure, there are some teens that wish to make a public abstinence vow and only listen to Christian music. But those young people are only part of what conservatives are. Real life conservative teens will not only fit the liberal image, they will have the personal beliefs to back up their attitudes. They will watch MTV, listen to popular music, share a sense of humor, and have a trendy look but also know the names of their state legislators and disagree with someone’s stance on gun control. They will march for their anti-abortion views in Washington and head out to a club later in the week.

Where they’ll presumably hook up with a girl, knock her up, and make her get an abortion.
To help Krystle prove that young Republicans are hip and sexy, I’ve recruited three of the hottest young conservative columnists from Alan Keyes’ Renew America for a Sadly, No! Young Republican Bachelor Auction!
Without further ado, let’s meet our contestants!

Bachelor #1 is “a political columnist from the mountains of North Carolina. He is quickly gaining recognition as one of the most popular and influential voices of his generation.” Ladies, I give you Mr. Judson Cox!

Bachelor #2 is “is a conservative activist and columnist from Puyallup, Washington. As an Eagle Scout, he is the founder and president of the Scout Honor Coalition, a grassroots network of Americans dedicated to preventing and countering politically correct attacks on the Scouts.” Ladies, meet Hans Zeiger!

And finally, Bachelor #3 is “is an analyst and commentator on political correctness. His best-known work was an expose on Marxism and radical feminism.” Ladies, hold onto your panties, ’cause here’s Carey Roberts!

(Yeah, so he’s technically not a “young” bachelor, but he’s still pretty feisty at heart. And Christ, he hasn’t been with a woman since World War I (and she turned out to be a spy for the Kaiser, so it’s not something he’s particularly proud of). Just cut him some slack, OK?)
Here’s how it works: a mystery bachelorette (well actually, it’ll be me pretending to be a young single woman… just use your imagination, folks) will ask each bachelor for information she thinks is important to know about a potential mate. At the end of the program, the audience (i.e., the readers of Sadly, No! will vote on which bachelor is most deserving of her love! OK, let’s get started!
Bachelorette: Bachelor #1, what matters most in a relationship?
Judson Cox: “Shared values are essential to forming long-term relationships, but it is difficult to identify people who share your values in a social setting. Politics just aren’t sexy (unless you are Ann Coulter)…”
Bachelorette: Eew, that’s nasty. Let’s talk about something else. You’ve said in the past that you couldn’t date someone who didn’t share your political beliefs. Care to elaborate?
Judson Cox: “For conservatives, the situation is very different. We have to worry that our children may be aborted without our knowledge or consent! Our liberal partners may give our hard earned money to communists, encourage our children to have premarital sex, use drugs, drop out of school, follow pagan religions or become homosexual!”
Bachelorette: … Ohhh-kaaaaaay… Uhm, Bachelor #2. I’m a fun gal and I like to have a good time. Wanna take me dancing some time?
Hans Zieger: “The contemporary lexicon of dirty dancing includes such terms as freaking, slamming, moshing, spanking, humping, bumping, undressing, grinding, and so on. Dancing fascinates cultural anthropologists because it seems that dancing is an almost universal expression of love without actually lovemaking. But for American high school and college students in 2004, dancing has become nothing short of group sex.”
Bachelorette: Whoa, whoa, I’m not that kind of girl! If you think you and your Renew America buddies can just pass me around like a doobie, you’re crazy!
Since the first two bachelors have totally grossed me out, maybe #3 will be better. Bachelor #3, tell me a bit about yourself.
Carey Roberts: “If you want to understand the Culture War, you need to appreciate the ideology, methods, and goals of radical feminism. And to understand feminism, you must understand Marxist philosophy and the history of the Soviet Union.”
Bachelorette: OK, forget it, I’m going back to Bachelor #1. #1, who are your personal heroes, and why?
Judson Cox: “Regardless of their faults, the political heroes of the past were men… Politicians would be wise to note the popularity of Donald Rumsfeld, and Governor-elect Arnold Schwarzenegger, two purely masculine figures. They should remember Col. Oliver North’s popularity when he stood strong in the face of a liberal witch hunt. They should also remember President Bush’s surge in approval when he reacted in a masterful and manly manner to the terrorist attacks.”
Bachelorette: Sounds pretty gay to me. Bachelor #1, are you gay?
Judson Cox: “Homosexuality is unnatural. Genetic traits are passed on hereditarily. All that we are is a result of our ancestors. Sex is primarily a biological function designed for procreation. Homosexuality would have to be passed on by recessive genes, like forms of blindness, dwarfism and retardation.”
Bachelorette: I’ll take that as a “no.” OK, Bachelor #2- what’s your philosophy in life?
Hans Zeiger: “Life is not worth living when we forget that we are dying.”
Bachelorette: Well, that’s depressing. Maybe I should word it another way. Bachelor #2- what is the biggest problem facing America today?
Hans Zeiger: “The greatest plague of our time is a drastic spiritual impotence that we might say requires a heavy dose of spiritual Viagra.”
Bachelorette: So much more than I needed to know. I’ll try the old guy again. Bachelor #3- when you arrive at my house, I come to the door in a sexy red dress. Does that… entice you?
Carey Roberts: “Just look at the way women are parading around these days. The examples I’m about to describe are not what I read about, saw on TV, or heard third-hand from the neighborhood gossip. These are incidents I have personally observed during the past several months. At the office, well-educated women don the sheerest brassieres and tight-fitting sweaters. Do they really need to prove to their co-workers that they don’t suffer from inverted nipples?”
Bachelorette: OK, so you’re kinda old fashioned- but maybe you’re a romantic at heart. Bachelor #3- what is your ideal Valentine’s Day date?
Carey Roberts: “When I was a kid, Valentine’s Day meant eating those small, heart-shaped candies, and hoping to get a card from one of the cute girls in class ? in that order of priority, I will admit. But now, our college campuses have come up with a radically different vioew of Valentine’s Day: the Vagina Monologues. This play, which celebrates lesbianism and pedophilia, claims to liberate women by the vulgar repetition of the V-word more than a hundred times.”
Bachelorette: You seem kinda… bitter, Bachelor #3. Are you bitter about anything in particular?
Carey Roberts: “In recent years, the battle of the sexes has escalated into a full-fledged gender war. This conflict is playing out in the boardroom, the courtroom, and the bedroom.”
Bachelorette: Yeesh, #3, you don’t like women all that much, do you? Do you hate all women? What about Helen Keller? You can’t say anything bad about her, can you?
Carey Roberts: “Helen Keller, well-known suffragette and advocate for the blind, became an outspoken member of the Socialist Party in 1909. She later joined the ultra-radical Industrial Workers of the World. Keller’s 45-page FBI file can be viewed here.”
Bachelorette: This is the most depressing bachelor auction I’ve ever seen. Bachelor #1, can you say something, anything to restore my faith in men?
Judson Cox: “In spite of all of our faults, flaws and country ways, rednecks have a strength of character that is a sign of integrity.”
Bachelorette: *sigh* I guess not.
OK, folks, now it’s your turn! Which of these fine young conservatives is most deserving of our bachelorette’s love? Post your votes in the comments below!


Comments: 29


I pick Alan Keyes’ daughter.


*applauds Brad*


Hey! I’m about as liberal as they come, and I’m homeschooling my two boys, 6 and 9. They are also liberal (we all went to Dean rallies together), and the 9-year-old knows almost all the public officials who represent him at both the state and federal levels.


Sorry, didn’t mean to paint with too broad a brush. But since nearly *every* pundit at Renew America was “home-schooled,” I’d always had a somewhat unfavorable impression of it…


OK, was changed to “homeschooled by religious fundamentalists.” Better? πŸ™‚


Hey! What about Yosef?! (the hottest young conservative on the internets!)


Hmm, I’m gonna have to pick #2, Hans Ziegler because:
1. He’s not wearing plaid in his picture.
2. He’s an eagle scout, which means he can still be kewl enough to not take a vow of abstinence and yet still wear white at his wedding.
3. He has the best porn name.

But, for my money, it doesn’t get better than Justin Darr.


Thanks. πŸ™‚
I have enough problems with people thinking I’m some kind of right-wing religious nut when I tell them we homeschool.


Contestant 2 wrote “Get Off My Honor: the War on the Boy Scouts” (to be published this year). Priceless!


She thinks watching MTV and listening to popular music makes someone “hip”??

And I’m not surprised this Judson Cox is afraid his date would “become homosexual”. I bet he’s caused a few girls to turn lesbian, at least until he was out of sight. Doesn’t his mommy run a “conservative” dating service? No wonder he’s still single.


Well, if she were actually capable of it (as in, real) I would fix her up with Judson Cox, just so she could give his money to commies and raise his children to be gay liberal pagan sluts.
Because, really, there aren’t enough of us.


Worst. Photoshop. Ever.

It’s like “Malcolm in the Middle of Republicanland.”


…ators and disagree with someone’s stance on gun control.

So, if my stance is against gun control, this boy disagrees…. just to be disagree with a liberal.

Sounds just like every other republican position.


against logic, against truth, and definitely against good sentence structure.


Puginov – thanks for the vote of confidence, but I’m actually too cool for these folks. I watch MTV2! As for Judson turning some girls he’s dated lesbian, I wouldn’t doubt it up in the area of the mountains he’s from. They either became lesbians or turned out to be his sister/mother.

Honestly, when I was in High School, nobody cared about politics or who their state legislators were. I find it hard to believe that the “Cool” kids do now.


My vote’s for Mister Roberts. The man has the least amount of time to sample some poontang.


None of the bachelors on offer are a patch on that paragon of youthful eligibility from the Renew America stable, manly Rudy Takala, the bestest Young Republikan there is:


Oh, and Yosef-
Sorry I didn’t include you in the “Hott Young Conservatives Bachelor Auction,” but I didn’t have a picture or anything. You don’t wanna sell the ladies and unknown quantity, y’know what I mean? I mean, they could show up to the first date and you could look like… well, like Judson Cox…

Mrs. Tarquin Biscuitbarrel

Goodness. I would say, pass all of these gentlemen by. They appear to be outraged that we ladies have distinctive body parts, such as vaginas and nipples.


That was pretty funny; nice job!
Now don’t go trashing the place while Seb is out…
It might be fun to reverse gender roles and replay this game, too. While I’m currently secure in my heterosexuality, it’d be interesting to see if wingnut ladies turned me gay.


Yum yum yum. Who’s a girl to choose? For straight up good times, you’d have to go with Carey Roberts because nothing gets the ladies hotter than a discussion about Marxism! Why, if I had a nickle for all the sexy activities that took place in school while discussing Karl Marx and his ilk . . .


Brad – that’s cool. But you could just let them know that I look like a cross between Brad Pitt and Robert Redford, and maybe they’d have some idea of what I look like.


Man, that was alot of work. You sure you’re liberal? Anyway, no native born American is named Hans. Throw the furriner out!


Screw the bachelorette, I want to hook up with Judson Cox! I think he’s dreamy. Seeing him in plaid, well, it makes me want to marry him, bear him 18 children and submit completely to his rugged masculinity. Although, if he’s talking about how sexy Ann “Man Hands” Coulter is, maybe he’s ruggedly masculine in that J.C. Christian kind of way.


Judson Cox appears to have blue eyes, which are a recessive gene, and therefore he should not be allowed to get married, procreate, or have equal rights.

So I’d say go with Carey, because maybe he’ll die soon and you can collect his insurance money.


Plus, he seems to be repulsed by vaginas and nipples, so you probably wouldn’t ever have to even touch him.


“At the office, well-educated women don the sheerest brassieres and tight-fitting sweaters.”

I now realize I am genetically incapable of thinking like a conservative. What exactly is wrong with this again?


Judson Cox is handsome but I suspect he’s going to look like Carey Roberts in about 20 years, so if he wants some man-on-man action, he’d better hurry. Oh, and promise not to talk–not a single word–before, during or after sex.


Well, maybe Carey Roberts has got a lot of money? I reckon he’d be good for a fur coat or two.


You people really have no time to do anything but sit around and make fun of people. If I had known about this place sooner I would have defended some of these men. Jud is right about homosexuality you know.


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