If Wishes Were Mooses, Then K-Lo Could Ride
Things have gotten ugly over at America’s Shittiest Website™ since Kathleen Parker said that Sarah Palin was too stupid to be VP and ought to return to Mooseburgerstan to care for her brood. When Kathleen Parker, best known for a column criticizing Obama for not being a “full-blooded American,” ferchrissakes, calls someone else stupid, well, attention must be paid.
This has put K-Lo, who has sworn an oath of fealty to anyone who wants rape victims to bear their rapists’ children, in something of a pickle. So she has a novel solution:
I absolutely refuse to watch another Sarah Palin interview. It’s not because I don’t like the lady and don’t want to hear what she has to say. In fact, it’s exactly the opposite. It’s because I want to hear what she’s about and what she believes in and that’s why I won’t listen anymore.
And, you know, if folks refuse to look in a full-length mirror, they can imagine that they “really” look like Paris Hilton or Brad Pitt too.
Because you see, the Palin in the interviews isn’t the “real” Palin either, but just a shell of herself after having been locked in a room, deprived of mooseburgers, waterboarded by the McCain staff, and forced to memorize really stupid shit like the name of the President of Iran and the correct way to say Vladimir Putin’s name:
I see a woman who looks like she’s stayed up all night studying and is trying to remember the jurisprudential chronology of privacy vis-a-vis reproduction, the war on terror, and public figures (add 12 more things, described in the most complicated way possible, to the list to be more accurate).* She looks like a woman who’s been cramming talking points and great Matt Scully lines and Mark Salter-McCain war stories and Steve Schmidt marching orders into her head since that first plane ride from Alaska.
And if you can just let her talk about the stuff she really knows, like moose recipes and why they gave Levi a Camaro rather than a Mustang as Bristol’s dowry, then she’s unbeatable:
When she’s firing at full force, she comes off as authentic, self-possessed, and ready for a fight. If that is Sarah Palin, that’s the Sarah Palin who should be talking to everyone she can. That’s the Sarah Palin who should call up Rush Limbaugh. That’s the Sarah Palin who should go on The View.
Which, of course, makes perfect sense if Palin were running for hockey coach or game warden.
*Kathryn J. Lopez is the editor of National Review Online
I don;’t see what all the fuss is. Sarah is a pretty smart cookie and I’m sure she’ll learn all she needs to know in the few hours she has before McCain kicks off and she gets to be president.
K-Lo messed up her pirate costume.
i’m not going to breathe anymore precisely because i *want* to live.
breathtaking.
palin, if i’m reading this correctly*, should stick to speeches originally written for somebody else.
*somehow, “reading this correctly” means setting myself on fire and eating ice cream.
I’m going to stop reading any books for which I want to know the ending, and stop asking questions for which I really want the answers.
Somewhere out there is a living person who has fuck-all to do with their image of the saviour. It’s the Rastafarian Review. Good luck finding a spliff to share at barbershop quartet recitals.
Do these people need another copy of the job description? Cuz I think they are confusing what she’s running for with administrative assistant.
Can they get that emo kid to do a ‘Leave Sarah Alone!’ video?
Ultimately, this is the most compelling reason NOT to vote for McCain.
He made a rash, impulsive decision, Palin as Running Mate, dusted off his pants and moved on. As the fallout from that decision threatens everything he wants, he can’t be bothered to even TRY to figure out how to fix it. He just pushes the rest of his chips into the pot.
As president, when Hugo Chavez refers to him as “Antiguo pedo cara“, he’ll spin around in fury and issue the order to launch 150 Sea Launched Cruise Missiles on Caracas. Then he’ll dust off his pants and move on.
Ladies and gentlemen, this is NOT somebody we want to have that kind of power…
mikey
why they gave Levi a Camaro rather than a Mustang as Bristol’s dowry
Rock on, Clif.
Ultimately, this is the most compelling reason NOT to vote for McCain.
this and everything else about the campaign. Can you imagine if the leadership of our nation conducted our government during a crisis the way McCain has conducted his campaign just this week?
It’s unbelievable how easily wingnuts are fooled. Sarah Palin read a speech at the convention that was full of nasty, condescending attacks, and wingnut nation fell in love. They don’t love so much Sarah because she’s a mom or she’s “just like them,” they love the Sarah that’s a mean-spirited, spiteful bitch to her enemies. The “pitbull with lipstick.” All it takes is a little false bravado and a few put-downs to get the “libs” all pissed off, and the wingnuts are totally satisfied.
But in the long run, pandering to the evangelicals via Palin was suicide. She doesn’t have the goods to back up any of the nasty words that were in her convention speech, and is now getting her comeuppance.
Jesus Christ, they’ve simply given up pretending that she’s in any way qualified, and are now just cheering her on like the kids at the Special Olympics, where normal rules of judgement are withheld and mere effort is everything.
As Stephen Colbert says, reality has a liberal bias. Shut out reality and it’s all ok!
If wishes were K-Lo then mooses* could ride.
*It’s “moose,” but that’s not quite as funny.
jeez, if everyone would just stop expecting sarah to know stuff, she’d be fine!
i wonder if k-lo is projecting…
This part of the Couric interview is actually the part that makes me think she’s going to rocket back and forth in the veep debate. The first question on the role of the US in the world, Palin is obviously anxious and unsure. The second question, about why she didn’t get a passport, she takes a potshot at those snooty elitists who go to Yurp, and her body language, voice, the fluidity of her language – she’s back in her comfort zone.
What people are going to see Thursday night is somebody who is sneering and energetically dismissive of anybody who isn’t like herself, but who has a complete meltdown when she has to step outside that comfort zone. Booyah!
In order to stop Islamic extremists, those terrorists who are hell bent on destroying America and American troops are providing in his proclamation that he would allow terrorists to be a multi-faceted solution that has shown his foresight, his pragmatism, and his leadership abilities. And that is the day that I have seen is that we would allow a second Holocaust, for one. Israel has to exercise all options in order to, Charlie, get to a Cold War.
Clif, is K-Lo blindfolded by the headdress from Obama’s Somali garb? I know I’ve seen that cloth before.
Every time I read K-Lo, I feel myself getting a little dumber. Here’s a clever little nugget:
“Even the Left knows the attraction or they wouldn’t be going so insane over her. ”
… In other news, K-lo’s ex-boyfriend changed his answering machine to include: “If this is Kathryn J. Lopez, please stop calling me, you ignorant sow”… The NRO’s editorial board interprets this as a clear indication that he is playing hard-to-get.
“*somehow, “reading this correctly” means setting myself on fire and eating ice cream.”
Yum! Baked Alaska!
I have some sympathy for K-Lo on this one. I sure as fuck can’t stand to watch another Palin interview.
Ya, Gwen, I can answer that one. But first, do you mind if I touch your hair?
it’s a bizarre argument.
she doesn’t need to know anything to be qualified to be vp.
how does a person make a decision about something which they do not have a basis to understand in the first place?
isn’t one of the arguments around the current “economic failure” that people signed up for mortgages they didn’t understand?
if you are not just thin on facts but have no working knowledge of issues AT ALL, the question of who your advisors will be gains in importance. who will be rendering advice to a mccain/palin administration? when mccain drops dead on january 23rd, who will be rendering advice to a palin administration?
hold onto your hats, folks. this is going to be a nasty ride.
Michael Gerson, Bush’s one time favorite speechwriter, now occasional columnist for Newsweek, wrote a piece in the latest issue comparing Palin to William Jennings Bryan. You know…because they’re both non-elitist populists, and they both are against teaching the theory of evolution…or something.
when mccain drops dead on january 23rd, who will be rendering advice to a palin administration?
I think you’d have to go with “someone more knowledgeable” as a start.
I stand 100% behind The Palinator.
… In other news, K-lo’s ex-boyfriend changed his answering machine to include: “If this is Kathryn J. Lopez, please stop calling me, you ignorant sow”… The NRO’s editorial board interprets this as a clear indication that he is playing hard-to-get.
Silly person on the internet, that could never happen. K-Lo doesn’t have any boyfriends, ex- or otherwise. Unless you count Jesus, every girl’s dream guy in the dorm rooms at Catholic University and Our Lady of Perpetual Suffering High School.
Palin For President: Because we want someone shooting at us from helicopters.
Palin For President: Because we want someone shooting at us from helicopters.
White helicopters!
Palin For President: Because we want someone shooting at us from helicopters.
Speaking from experience, you do not want this.
I think the ultimate answer is that wingnuts have never figured out what an “editor” actually does.
Maybe they should just send Sargeant Shultz to the debate in Palin’s place. “I know nussing. Nussing!”
Alternatively, she could put on the uniform herself, along with a funny little moustache and a fake German accent.
It’s worth trying, anyway.
I stand 100% behind The Palinator.
When liberal sexism, like Putin, rears its head over American airspace, IT DOES IT IN ALASKA!
Hey – J-Lo’s peeking!
Fuck this noise, I’m out of here.
Also speaking from experience, it’s much better to be the one DOING the shooting from the helicopter…
mikey
In the same vein, perhaps KLo can stop typing, because nothing will be more annoying that KLo typing about what she’s not listening to in the interests of making her idol more ideal.
It’s bad enough reading what she imagines she’s hearing.
Someone needs to ask Michelle Malkin if she is still Sarah Palin.
Wow, it’s the perfect circle jerk of ignorance. Palin doesn’t have to know anything to potentially be president, K-Lo doesn’t have to know anything about Palin to know that she’s 100% awesome and would make a great president. The American people don’t need to know anything except that their leaders are just as ignorant as they are. Don’t worry … trust your masters … go to sleep….
She doesn’t have the goods to back up any of the nasty words that were in her convention speech, and is now getting her comeuppance.
I will never get my comeuppance! Do you hear me? NOOOOOOOOOOOO COMEUPPAAAAAAAAAAAAANCE!!!!
Every time I think about that “Putin rearing his head over Alaska” line, I picture him looming over Sarah as a Macy’s Thanksgiving Day parade balloon.
Don’t worry … trust your masters … go to sleep….
Reminds me of this song:
Pet
Michael Gerson, Bush’s one time favorite speechwriter, now occasional columnist for Newsweek, wrote a piece in the latest issue comparing Palin to William Jennings Bryan.
Time to quote some HL Mencken.
“Bryan was a vulgar and common man, a cad undiluted. He was ignorant, bigoted, self-seeking, blatant and dishonest. His career brought him into contact with the first men of his time; he preferred the company of rustic ignoramuses. It was hard to believe, watching him at Dayton, that he had traveled, that he had been received in civilized societies, that he had been a high officer of state. He seemed only a poor clod like those around him, deluded by a childish theology, full of an almost pathological hatred of all learning, all human dignity, all beauty, all fine and noble things. He was a peasant come home to the dung-pile. Imagine a gentleman, and you have imagined everything that he was not.
The job before democracy is to get rid of such canaille. If it fails, they will devour it.”
fywp
Putin rears his head.
Brandi: Hey…at least, Bryan wrote his own speeches.
Isn’t she, basically, arguing that Charles Manson is a really great guy, except for when he’s breaking into homes and murdering people.
…add 12 more things, described in the most complicated way possible…
i.e., without finger puppets.
James Wolcott’s got a piece up about the KLo post.
http://www.vanityfair.com/online/wolcott/
I don’t think it’s fair that K-Lo gets to be stoned when she writes her columns but she doesn’t give free pot to anyone who has to read them.
“who will be rendering advice to a mccain/palin administration?”
Judging from what I’ve seen so far it’ll be that African witch-chaser who preached at her church a few times and commanded God to get her to the governorship, Henry Kissinger and her husband Todd.
BTW I saw some highlights of the Couric interview, it was truly painful, like needles under my fingernails, I couldn’t get to the end of the clip soon enough.
I’ll tell you this: she’s not even that good on cramming, she sounded like a re-mix version of every wingnut talking point ever invented. Tying in tax cuts, low taxes, no regulation, the condition of public schools and not even in coherent sentences.
I just have to remember that she had every opportunity to say, “Thanks guys, that’s really flattering, but no, I don’t think I’m ready for that.” But she didn’t.
Me wins the thread.
Every time I think about that “Putin rearing his head over Alaska” line, I picture him looming over Sarah as a Macy’s Thanksgiving Day parade balloon.
Me too, only the balloon is just his head and not the whole Pootie-Poot.
…they’ve simply given up pretending that she’s in any way qualified, and are now just cheering her on like the kids at the Special Olympics…
Which makes us Sadly commenters something like these guys.
Uh, right. That’s knowing about three court cases that every law student is taught in Con Law and it doesn’t require an all-nighter to talk about intelligently.
The job before democracy is to get rid of such canaille. If it fails, they will devour it.
Not possible. Next option? Maybe education? That’s why I think their first move is always to decimate education. Universal education for all along with heath care. You’d have to wait for a generation though.
We are thankful that, under Reagan, we won the Cold War, but economic sanctions, diplomatic pressure, again, counting on our allies to keep our eyes on Russia, under the leadership of Ahmadinejad, nuclear weapons in the hands of Ahmadinejad, not that he would use them, but that he would meet with these countries, building new relationships, working with existing allies, but forging new, also, in order to, Charlie, get to a point here seven years later, on the side of the leadership there. I was able to represent those things that John McCain has been the Washington elite. In order to stop Islamic extremists, those terrorists who would seek to destroy America and our allies, pressuring, also, helping us to remind Russia that it’s in their country and their allies, including us, all of our best interests to fight for our country, for democracy, for our country, for democracy, for our world to be in NATO. What I think if you go back and forth, we do.
Poor, poor K-Lo. Just reading some of her most recent droppings over at The Korner. Sad.
Yeah, all those lies, the fake persona…authentic, baby!
Pointless. Obama/Biden love this country too.
The fuck does this even mean?
Wow, I’ve never heard this piece of advice ever. This surely makes Sarah Palin cut out for Queen of Stupidtown.
Wowzers!
You’re a dope, K-Lo.
Klo’s just worried that if someone thinks Palin’s not qualified to be VP, someone might notice KLo’s not qualified to be an editor.
This job is already taken.
Pardon me. I have to write my next National Review column.
Hey, K.Lo has merely promised to avoid watching interviews as a way of prevent evidence entering her mind if it clashes with her already-formed opinion. I am willing to go further — I’ll eschew all exposure to media completely, keeping my mind and opinions at least twice as untainted by empirical evidence. This way my political analysis will be even more valuable and valid than hers.
i cn hz Nashnal Revyo edit job plz?
So K-Lo is basically saying that she liked the totally ignorant Palin better then than barely learned Palin.
She liked Palin the total asshole far better than the Palin that has to be nice to people because it’s the civil and polite thing to do in any society.
Why do Conservatives want people to be rude assholes to everyone? I simply can’t understand that. As a Liberal, one of my basic values is being kind and polite to everyone (at least until they tell me they want me and my family dead, like Fox News and Rush says almost every day).
The last 38 years have proven definitively that Conservatism has completely and utterly failed as a philosophy and way of governance. Unless the whole point of Conservatism was to totally destroy America in every way (which, of course, it was).
seriously, could anyone explain why NRO continues to employ a political columnist after this announcement that her technique for gathering facts consists of sticking her fingers in her ears and going Nyah Nyah Can’t Hear You?
…facts? We don’ need no stinkin’ facts!!
..nor us neither. NU-UH!
K-Lo’s the Corner’s token religious nut. She was hired to fool the fundies into believing that the “intellectual” smart set are devout and respect Teh Heartland, even though she grew up in Chelsea. Hiring an Hispanic woman makes them look diverse. HIring K-Lo means they’ll have someone who will mindlessly repeat everything they tell her to say.
Doubleplusgood, Citizeness!
Just remember: we are at war with Eastasia. We have ALWAYS been at war with Eastasia.
Unperson Parker is plusungood & was never a faithful servant of the Regime. Her many crimes included plotting against the Regime for many years, secretly selling our top-secret war-plans to agents of Eastasia. She even attempted to subvert production quotas with a conspiracy to sabotage the recent Aid Package to our Corporate Benefactors!
The Regime knows what is best for all Citizens!
BIG BROTHER LOVES YOU!
I’ve said it once on this board, and by damn it I’ll say it again– I’ve rolled K-Lo’s sentences in flour and still can’t find a meaningful spot.
the correct way to say Vladimir Putin’s name
What Sarah Palin really said in the Couric interview was “when Poutine rears his head”… after all, she can see Canada from her house!
Y’know, I defended her once when y’all were ripping into her for what I thought was a relatively minor grammatical/mechanical snafu (one of many, I’ll admit), but ye gods — the source of your animosity toward K-Lo has suddenly become crystal-clear. I don’t want to know what Sarah Palin actually says or does; I just want to savor the image of the perfect Bronze Age Tribalist Self-Reliant Small-Town Go-Getter Hot Hockey Mom that I have in my mind. La la la, not listening.
The woman really is a child, isn’t she? No, wait: that’s unfair. After all, unlike her, many children are capable of recognizing that Wishful Thinking is a fallacy long before they’re even old enough to drive. Of course, they don’t have the advantage of being coddled by a wingnut welfare system that rewards people for childish thinking. Damn reality and its liberal bias.
the correct way to say Vladimir Putin’s name
What Sarah Palin really said in the Couric interview was “when Poutine rears his head”… after all, she can see Canada from her house!
Poutine and mooseburgers on every table; $32,471.58 of debt for every American!
And if you call now, we’ll throw in a hockey stick autographed by Patrick Roy.
I love that name.