I hate to break it to you Danny boy, but the people who are actual radical Islamic terrorists aren’t sitting at home answering telephone surveys.

They’re in the caves of northern Pakistan…oh, wait.

Pulling numbers out of one’s ass…

Whenever I do that, I pretend I’m the emperor in History of the World and wave it around yelling “Wash this!”

You liberals will eat your words soon enough I assure you. Once McCain is elected President you’ll go back to singing kumbaya, smoking pot and whining about reactionary “racist” middle America. Don’t worry, you’ll still be collecting your welfare checks, for a while anyway until McCain has enough votes in Congress to back up his fiscal conservatism.

Blarg. English major peeps, that ‘an’ before expert is superfluous and incorrect, right? The way I have it doesn’t feel right to me, but I guess I’ll leave it for now.

This statistics thing is so very complicated – but this I can say with absolute certainty. The probability that Daniel Pipes is a fucking bigoted moron is 100%, plus or minus zero percent, all twenty fricking times out of twenty.

‘Sfunny. I clicked on the link to Daniel Pipes’s page, and at the margin were those ads one always sees–the little generic-looking ones. Anyway, one such ad was for Muslim funeral services.

Picture yourself a bereaved Muslim: your beloved Auntie Fatima has cashed it in, and you’re looking for someone to perform the necessary services. Are you really going to be looking on Daniel Pipes’s website for that–or any other–reason?

I think Daniel Pipes is right in that a significant minority of muslims support Islamic terrorism. While it is impossible to know the exact percentage, what is possible is to establish that the number is large enough that racial profiling may become necessary in order to prevent future terrorist attacks on American soil. With numbers this large that’s not racism, its called common sense, something that seems to be lacking among liberals since the end of world war two.

Well, “in which I am expert” would be more mellifluous. But Pipes’s prose sounds like a hacksaw grating on bone under the best of circumstances, so, no big.

English major peeps, that ‘an’ before expert is superfluous and incorrect, right?

It would sound righter if you replaced “of” with “at” but you can leave “an” there. You would take it out if you wanted to use expert as an adjective but that would sound toolish.

Thx to you both. I’m gonna go with yours, LGL, cuz it sounds better to my inner ear.

While it is impossible to know the exact number of violent Islamic radicals there are, it is possible to know that racial profiling is unconstitutional.

“Loneoak said,”

“it is possible to know that racial profiling is unconstitutional.”

You obviously haven’t read the Bill of Rights. Racial profiling is no where mentioned.

part joo part not joo
what on earth’s a boy too doo
these joos are such foo (ls)

Dammit. Rhyming haiku is hard.

OK, that was weird. I’ve seen the style before where a writer switches from using the pronoun “he” to “she” in every other paragraph, but I’ve never seen an author switch from referring to himself in the first person to the second person in alternate paragraphs. Julius H. Caesar, what editor let him get away with that?

I love the “Inexplicably varying results” bullet point. Apparently, if you ask different questions you get different answers. Who knew? It is a mystery.

You obviously haven’t read the Bill of Rights. Racial profiling is no where mentioned.

It’s the American Way!

OK, that was weird. I’ve seen the style before where a writer switches from using the pronoun “he” to “she” in every other paragraph, but I’ve never seen an author switch from referring to himself in the first person to the second person in alternate paragraphs.

Perhaps Mr. Pipes is a trinity, like the Father/Son/Holy Ghost.

Or perhaps he’s like Norman talking to “Mother.”

You obviously haven’t read the Bill of Rights. Racial profiling is no where mentioned.

sounds like someone’s getting an ‘A’ in his Con Law class!!!!

“Pulling numbers out of one’s ass is a very exact science at which I am an expert.”

Hmmm…let’s parse!

“Very” is superfluous here. The promise of exact science eliminates the need for the superlative.

“is an exact science at which I am an expert.” Yikes. Grammatical train wreck.

The clause needs more lyrical flow and of an active voice

Fer instance “Pulling numbers out of my ass is an exact science of my expertise.”

Or “I am an expert in the exacting science of pulling numbers out of my ass.”

Never fear unusual sentence structure and ALWAYS use active voice More often than not it grabs the reader’s attention and resonates with them.

This has been an instruction in style and grammar from a graduate of the oldest English Language department in the country. Lafayette. Lafayette College. Look it up. Named after the second most important man in American history behind his adopted father, George Washington.

Maroon RFC in de hizzy.

You obviously haven’t read the Bill of Rights. Racial profiling is no where mentioned.

Not only are some citizens more equal than others, some also get more “equal protection under the law”.

Punctuation errors solely the fault of WordPress.

Also the omission of the word “more” in the sentence “The clause needs more lyrical flow and MORE of an active voice.”

WordPress regrets the error.

Also the anti-French.

But com-symp, I have to be faithful to the wingnut’s style, too. Your examples don’t seem pompous enough to me.

First, though, an explanation of what I meant by Muslims who “support militant Islam”:

Hummmmm… I sense some weaseling coming up, Pipes then goes on to define Islamists as as those who: seek a totalistic, worldwide application of the Shari‘a. those who deemed the 9/11 attacks completely justified, largely justified and somewhat justified. Those who vote for Islamist parties in Turkey and Palestine. Those who support suicide bombing, those who are pro Osama bin Laden and finally those who favor hadd criminal punishments.

Given these complications, it is not surprising that estimates vary considerably.

Heh.. indeedly doodly.

These ambiguous and contradictory percentages lead to no clear, specific count of Islamists.

That would the the reasonable conclusion to draw. Which is why Daniel is gonna blow it off. Therefore….

Out of a quantitative mish-mash, I suggested just three days after 9/11 that some 10-15 percent of Muslims are determined Islamists.

Win!!!

If Daniel Pipes’ estimate is true, than 150 million muslims need to be killed.

If Daniel Pipes’ estimate is true, than 150 million muslims need to be killed.

Well, ya better get to it, then, if you feel it’s neccessary for the survival of both the country and the white race. You’re not gonna kill any Islamonazicommiehomoliberalfacists sittin’ on your fat ass, suckin’ down Ding Dongs and Mellow Yellow, now are you?

If Daniel Pipes’ estimate is true, than 150 million muslims need to be killed.
If that doesn’t stop crazy people from being swept up in irrational hatred of the United States, I don’t know what can.

Picture yourself a bereaved Muslim: your beloved Auntie Fatima has cashed it in, and you’re looking for someone to perform the necessary services. Are you really going to be looking on Daniel Pipes’s website for that–or any other–reason?

Of course not.

Then again, it’s a well-placed ad. Mind you eliminationism: how many of his commenters do want there to be more Muslim funerals?

“I have to be faithful to the wingnut’s style, too. Your examples don’t seem pompous enough to me.”

Howzabout this: “The irresistible force of the pulling of purely hypothetical numbers directly from my sphincter demolishes the immovable object of your colossal ignorance of said numbers.”

Pantloadassrocketjon’attilamoranatlasruppertlowryandalltherestofthefuckersian, right?

That’s fuckin beautiful! You should be writing these things.

One lightning rod for criticism concerns my on-screen statement that “10 to 15 percent of Muslims worldwide support militant Islam.”

Not bad. How’s the rate for Christians?

“That’s fuckin beautiful! You should be writing these things.”

Praise from Caesar.

You obviously haven’t read the Bill of Rights. Racial profiling is no where mentioned.

Which must be why the Bush administration is currently desperate to keep a bunch of Chinese Muslims in jail. I mean, can you imagine the profiling hassles when we’ve got to look at every Arab, Persian, Indonesian, Bosnian (white) and Chinese person that wants to cross our border or get on an airplane? Think of the confusion!

more than all the fascists and communists who ever lived.

A billion and a half Chinese might have some small argument with that.

At least he’s only wrong by a factor of 100.

He’s not really even trying, is he?

How’s the rate for Christians?

Well, that depends how and what you want to measure. If you make it through the entirety of my tortured “logic” without dying of boredom or defenestrating yourself, you might even get to the part where I totally make shit up.

Shorter Pipes,

“I’m just going to sit here and muddy the waters some more. That’s what the cool kids are calling it when you do #1 & #2 in your pants at the same time. Mmmmmmph!“

If Daniel Pipes’ estimate is true, than 150 million muslims need to be killed.

But, dear sir, had you taken into account the incontrovertible fact, backed by decades of observation and testing, that Daniel Pipes has, in every single instance in which he has made his point of view known, been 100%, fucking WRONG?

First, though, an explanation of what I meant by Muslims who “support militant Islam”: these are Islamists, individuals who seek a totalistic, worldwide application of Islamic law, the Shari‘a. In particular, they seek to build an Islamic state in Turkey, replace Israel with an Islamic state and the U.S. constitution with the Koran.

Myself, I want a totalistic, worldwide application of the Church of the Sub-Genius. In particular, I seek to build a magical flying unicorn landing strip in Turkey, replace Israel with Lollapalooza, and the US constitution with Finnigan’s Wake.

Both of these fantasies have about an equal chance of occurring in reality-based reality. Hail Bob™!

(BTW, the word “totalistic” doesn’t appear in my Webster’s Unabridged. “Totalitarian” is correct usage, or simply “total”. How is it these wankers can be emplyed as professional writers?)

ACORN SUCKS: You obviously haven’t read the Bill of Rights. Racial profiling is no where mentioned.

It’s part of that “equal protection under the law” thingee, Mr. Sucks. Or can I call you “Acorn”?

Look it up.

And “nowhere” is one word, BTW.

Wingnut trolls are getting pathetic these days. It’s like they’re not even really trying anymore.

I like how they start hooga-boogaing about Islam being universalist whenever they want to try and menace people about the Scary Mooslems. The fact that small-c catholicism is a major feature of a large number of religions (including, in at least some historical periods, Judaism) is completely irrelevant; Islam is uniquely dangerous because oh noes, teh Mooslams!!!

What I love most about Pipes is that he’s the son of Richard “The CIA Is Dramatically Underestimating The USSR’s Capacity To Build Invisible Bombers Out Of Cardboard” Pipes, so there’s two generations of fear-mongering right-wing tools masquerading as historians and scholars. Like Daniel, every specific claim Richard Pipes ever made was wrong – he has actually managed to make incorrect claims from nothing but evidence, and he’s basically made history and scholarship in the United States appreciably worse. Pipes fils, of course, doesn’t have a universally-reviled USSR to get away with militantly poor scholarship about – so he’s the head of a national network designed to force any perspective on the Muslim world besides “monolithic evil empire which must be destroyed” out of the mainstream.

Pipes is a bad person, a worthless scholar, and a fucking traitor. Like father, like son; just as Daniel Pipes’s worthless scaremongering wasted resources and brought the United States needlessly to the brink of nuclear war, his son obviously feels it’s more important that he be taken seriously as a Serious Intellectual than that Americans be able to travel unmolested and raise children without fear of international terrorism.

Of course, this is neglecting the chief unifying factor of the Pipes dynasty: they’re political whores. They will lie for the sake of the Party in a way that even the runners-up in ideological prissiness – the Tory historiography of the USSR and third world – would find disgusting. If it is useful for the Republicans for Trig Walker Pipes to pretend Buddhism is an international front for militant pedophiles, he’ll be rewriting the Islamophobe mythos for the Buddha in a heartbeat. “Hoaxter and huxter” is giving them too good; the place nature intended them is a cheap bordello, and God willing that is where they will ultimately be relegated, no more useful to anyone than German invasion pulp.

“just as Daniel Pipes” = “just as Richard Pipes”. Fucking whitey names.

Pipes’s prose sounds like a hacksaw grating on bone under the best of circumstances
Tell me more about these ideal circumstances.

That’s all well and good, but Pipes has clearly established the horrifying reality that 15% of 1 billion Muslims worldwide could number up to 150 million.

I would like to know why Pipes has adopted a hair-style that looks so much like a middle-aged Wolverine.

Pipes’s stupid stereotype-mongering aside, it’s worth paying attention to that most Muslims are from somewhere outside of the Middle East. Despite the best attempts to force it into narrative-fitting form, the broadly black-Arab conflict in north Africa is generally between Muslims rather than between two different sects (it would rather surprise the victims of the Janjaweed that they’re victims of their own religion, which has been more heavily responsible for agitation against and truth-dissemination about the Sudanese regime); and one of the bigger Clash of Civilizations messes is in India, in which the National Congress is pretty ambivalent about religion but the Hindutva movement has been actively bulldozing mosques and whipping up lynch mobs against the hated interlopers. There are almost as many Muslims in India as there are in the whole goddamn Middle East, and in terms of religious politics they’re functionally identical to any other large minority (catholics in America, protestants in Mexico, Christians in Japan, etc).

Of course, in spite of their stated concerns about religious fervor and interference with government, in spite of their ostensible concern for ‘moderates’ and ‘Westernizers’ in the Middle East, people like Pipes will nine times out of ten react to news of BJP-associated race riots and other contemptible viciousness by literally fascist ideologues with cheering and encouragement. Anything to stroke their petty bigotry and ratchet up the level of ethnic strife in our world.

I would like to know why Pipes has adopted a hair-style that looks so much like a middle-aged Wolverine.

Could it have something to do with having his picture taken with an actual middle-aged wolverine?

Just like The Count on Sesame Street: 1 Green dooky! 2, 2 Green dookies! Bahahaha! [Thunder rolls]

I would like to know why Pipes has adopted a hair-style that looks so much like a middle-aged Wolverine.

He fears the pelicans.

Myself, I want a totalistic, worldwide application of the Church of the Sub-Genius. In particular,

Damn straight. Voting rights only for Yetisyn. Pinks, Glorps, Yes-men, and Kens&Barbies all get relocated to Siberia. A man should have the absolute right to marry a prarie squid if they’re truly in love. And every other day a religious holiday!

Seriously, I’ve been working on a blog post myself about the whole Islam/Islamist thing, bascially to the effect that Pipes and his ilk claim that it’s just “Islamists” they oppose, but when you aplly a little pressure the crust breaks and you see it’s Islam itself they hate.

ACORN SUCKS:

Try this fun exercise out. Every time you want to type “Muslim,” type “Jew” instead. See how that suits you.

“Pipes is a bad person, a worthless scholar, and a fucking traitor.”

AND he looks like Jafar from Aladdin.

Photo Caption

Try as hard she might, Pammy Juggs could never quite get “flipping the bird” right

Dear Pammy: Kindly wipe off your chin post-fellatio before posing for pictures. Danny’s shockalicious hair is enough of a tipoff, as is his smug demeanor.

Why can no neocon ever muster a smile that’s anything other than that ghastly neocon rictus where the sentiment behind it seems to be 1/3 “I’m so much better than you,” 1/3 “Bow before me, peons,” and 1/3 “Everyone else can fuck off and die”? Even in situations where they have no goddam business looking like they’re thinking that, they look like they’re thinking it anyway. If — and I hesitate to contemplate such a thing — that actually is what they’re thinking, I’m going to have to render a diagnosis of memetic rabies. Do try not to get too close.

By the way, I was pointing out that Pipes was so full of shit he squeaks back when I still hated Bill Clinton. Ah, nostalgia!

’m going to have to render a diagnosis of memetic rabies

Memetic rabies and dorsalic tabes,
Necrotising fascitis, tied up with string…
These are a few of my favourite things…

I will not comment on the contents of this blog in case Daniel Pipes threatens to sue me again …!