Dam you stainless steel robots and your breeding habits!

Even we’re not quite sure what to say about “our” latest The Rant columnist, one Jane Jimenez:

Condoms have made front page news again this month.

Again? Is Jane’s daily paper The Chattanooga Daily Condom Press?

Once again, our discussion of condoms is boiled down to a statistical “failure rate” expressed as a measure of “strength and reliability.”

Too bad they opted not to rate flavors we guess. This year’s Durex Chocolate Passion vintage offers a rich, deep cherry colour. The nose has mint and capsicum which add a dash of variety to rich, sweet blackcurrant/dark berry fruits. The palate is ripe and sweet with concentrated black curranty fruit. Soft tannins and gentle acid round out a tasty and quite classy condom. Oh well, maybe next year.

In a well-lit laboratory, one by one, a laboratory tech unwraps each condom and follows a well-rehearsed, methodical, and uniform procedure to place the condom on sterile lab equipment and inflate it with air until it bursts. No STDs are present. No sperm, no emotions, no shadows, and no youthful inexperience will cloud the results.

While we said goodbye to the condom forever the day that we got engaged, we’ve never heard of condoms’ propensity to break being affected by STDs, emotions or shadows.

Using the context of controlled laboratory “perfection,” some educators want us to believe we can rest assured that condoms will save our children from the consequences of sex.

Jane has two children. And you know what that means:

MR. BLACKITT: What do you mean?
MRS. BLACKITT: Well, I mean, we’ve got two children, and we’ve had sexual intercourse twice.

Back to Jane:

If our children were stainless steel robots living in a germ-free laboratory, they might have a point.

Stainless steel robots do what now? Frankly, we don’t even know why the scientists make them. We have to add — Jane sounds like a bit of a germophobe too.

Condoms are not mechanical devices submitted to uniform stress. And when they fail, you don’t get to return the toaster for a refund.

Where is Jane buying her condoms?

Toasters don’t rejoice when they make perfect toast. And they don’t care if they explode and burn up. They are things.

It’s 1 am on a weekend night. Do you know where your toaster is?


Comments: 13


I have often wondered why condoms weren’t made of Lucite, that fine methyl methacrylate polymer made by the good people at DuPont. It’s impermeable, crystal clear, and, ah, rigid. In the WWII era, it was used in windshields, nose cones, and gunner turrets. So the logical extension of its many uses would be, of course, condoms. Sometimes the most obvious solutions are the most overlooked.


Ok, now I am sure that this person is not real, this is just a bunch of chimpanzees in a room with a bunch of keyboards… there is no other explanation for this stupidity. I don’t believe this woman can breath on her own, that is how stupid she is.


My god. When a member of the Gay Conspiracy recruits a certain number of heterosexuals (I can’t give you the exact number–I’d have to kill you), he or she earns a toaster oven. It all makes sense now!


The context for condoms, considering genital herpes?and each of the other 25 STDs, is not mentioned by Consumer Reports. It?s not their fault. Real life doesn?t happen in a lab under bright lights with reliable machines and technicians.

I think Jane’s real gripe is that the technicians from Consumer Reports didn’t measure condoms in seedy motel rooms, with syphilis-infected hookers wearing fishnet stockings,leather boots, and peek-a-boo bras. Or with hunky, sqaure-jawed members of the football team who will say they love you and ask you to prove your love, and then dump you when you tell them the results of your EPT test, and take up with that slutty redheaded cheerleader. Because sex should be shameful and squalid, damn it, and CR is taking all the full out of it!


Jane clearly has experience with product failure judging from the drugstore hair dye failure that she sports in her photograph with her column.

I just have one question for the wingnut anti-condom crowd like Jane. Since guns don’t always work either, will you agree to get rid of them too?


uh, I WAS going to say something, but now I’m just thinking about fishnet stockings and peek-a-boo bras…
one track, derailed again!


“Frankly, we don’t even know why the scientists make them.”

Best. SNL. Skit. Ever.


I think there is a porn movie to be made, with the thin plot premise that a group of “Consumer Information Magazine” staffers need hardy volunteers to do some major condom testing.


When a member of the Gay Conspiracy recruits a certain number of heterosexuals (I can’t give you the exact number–I’d have to kill you), he or she earns a toaster oven. It all makes sense now!That was the old arrangement. The new arrangement is pretty much the same, except now they get Williams-Sonoma gift certificates.


I don’t buy that “condoms break”, I think people lie after the fact.

Millions of HIV positive people have gotten married and have normal sex lives (with a condom of course) and none of them have ever managed to infect their partner.

So either if you know your ass is on the line (which you never know it’s not outside of perfect monogomy) the condom doesn’t break or condom breakage is something people say because they don’t want to admit they were barebacking and caught pregnant or diseased.


“Condoms fail to prevent pregnancy 13-15% percent of the time for real people outside of laboratories.”

Wow, I must have a lot of kids. Funny my fiancee not getting pregnant and us having all those kids we don’t know about. I should have stuck with my stainless steel robot, I guess.


Silly human. Real robots are made of titanium. Stainless steel is for wimps.


Consumer Reports tests automobile safety on test tracks. Real life automobiles aren’t used generally, on test tracks. That doesn’t mean their safety cannot be measured on them though. I’ve been a long time reader of Consumer Reports, and their attention to consumer safety (in everything from cars to common household appliances) is one of the most important things about what that publication does. They get at the facts.

But simple, dry, fact based assesments about risk and prevention is of course, exactly what the Right doesn’t want anyone to hear about anything regarding sex, not just condom use. I’m sure the chart in the CU article about the relative safety of different birth control methods, including abortion, made them equally furious. How dare anyone introduce facts into the discussion…

Consumer’s Reports is just one of those things that can only appeal to the Reality Based Community…


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