All we can do is hope the terrorists are using DOS 3.0

Things are looking up!

A new FBI computer program designed to help agents share information to ward off terrorist attacks may have to be scrapped, the agency has concluded, forcing a further delay in a four-year, half-billion-dollar overhaul of its antiquated computer system. […]

Requests for proposals for new software could be sought this spring, the officials said. The bureau is no longer saying when the project, originally scheduled for completion by the end of 2003, might be finished. […]

The prototype’s main feature allows users to prepare documents and forward them in a usable form.

Eventually, the FBI expects to have software with added features for managing records, evidence and other documents, along with the ability for users to collaborate on documents and share information online.

Gee, let’s hope that one day, if we live to be old enough, we can experience such a magical world.


Comments: 16


fascinating…as i understand it, is what those fellows are talking about some sort of…if i might coin a phrase…”portable data format”?

jolly good to have something like that around the office – this damned mimeograph machine is killing me!


I kept waiting for the punchline.
Got to be a joke, right?

Man, we are so …


You left off part of the article:

“The monkeys have been tinkering in the basement of Langley, working vociferously to overhaul the hamster-powered mainframe the FBI has been using for the past 100 years. Fortunately, the monkeys possess what biologists call ‘opposable thumbs’, which allows them to wield hammers and wrenches in order to subdue the unruly machine.

“Rumor has it that if 400 monkeys bang away for 400 years, they will produce the works of Shakespeare. So far the FBI’s crack team of monkey programmers have been only able to reproduce Dr. Seuss’ timeless classic Hop On Pop.


Don’t know nothin’ ’bout SQL.
Never learned any HTML.
Haven’t ever used FTP.
Never heard of any mail called “e”.
But I know it’s a solid bet,
If they’d just invent an internet,
What a wonderful world it would be…



It’s the same technology that powered the Seaview in the old Voyage to the Bottom of the Sea TV series.


I heard they identified Charles Babbage as a prospective vendor. They’ve heard great things about this splendid “engine” of his.


Na na na na na na-na-na, bi-na-ry
Na na na na na na, tcp / ip
Na na na na na na-na-na, overdue
Na na na na na na, over budget too


Does everybody at the FBI also wear an onion on his or her belt?


This “collaborate on documents and share information online” business smacks of witchcraft.


As if there weren’t enough internets already, now the FBI is trying to make one!


Didn’t the DoD *invent* TCP/IP?

And it sounds like all the features they need were available in Office 97. If they can’t do better than that, we’re in serious trouble.


I know MS Office is expensive, but would it have cost them 1/2 billion dollars??


Apparently under the Bush “No Major Corporation Left Behind” act government agencies are required to pay full retail price, buy the full software support license, use the 900 number for software support, and hire Halliburton to install the software on every machine purchased.


You know Wollcot is linking you now? And crediting you for the Sadly, No phrase.

Should have guessed, Wollcot linking a frenchman. Why does he hate America so?


You know that I can’t spell? But I can drink gin, so who the fuck cares?


Hey, but you can play some cool games on the Commodore 64 the head of the FBI gets!


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